i suddenly feel huge impostorism about not being bi enough. i've known i was ace since forever and realised i was bi+ while in the monog relationship i'm still in today, not by actually being romantically attracted to people but because i realised i could technically picture myself with a partner of any gender (i know the potential for attraction to more than one gender is a definition of bi). once i admitted that to myself i actually started feeling physical attraction to people, thinking i wasn't ace after all for a bit. everything fell apart when i learned about other kinds of attraction and realised the physical attraction wasn't sexual but sensual, more in a "i'd make out with this person" way than a hugging and cuddling way because the last 2 are romantic to me. that's also when i realised i'm on the aromantic spectrum because i only ever experienced romantic attraction to one person who ended up being my partner to this day. and now here's the thing. my bi attraction has become less defined kinda? it's less about kissing now and more just feeling drawn to someone based on appearance but it feels like more than what people describe as aesthetic attraction? the attraction i feel is also not really anything i feel an urge to act on, it's just there. idk maybe that's because i'm in a monog relationship so my brain shut itself off from that. when i feel that attraction it does feel decidedly queer/bi though idk. i'd also feel like a liar calling myself biromantic because despite the potential for attraction definition i've only ever felt romantic attraction once towards one gender. i feel like i'm not bi enough and like i'm just holding on to this identity even though it doesn't actually belong to me, like i'm just making it into more than it is because what if it's always been nothing more but aesthetic attraction, not actually me being bi, what if the queer feelings about this attraction are just me trying to convince myself i'm bi when i'm not.
Back in the day (like, pre-90s), the ace and aro spectra (not spectrum like many people think, because there’s more than one of them) were included under the bi umbrella. Both spectra are inherently queer and have been tied into queer community and culture for a long time.
I think part of your distress is not just about the confusion you’re going through, but the fear and anxiety of not knowing your place in the community. The truth is that these labels are for us to relate to ourselves! No word can encompass the entirety of any one individual’s experience, and while using these labels can give others a good approximation of our experience, the nuance is lost. That’s okay. It’s the immutability of the human condition; we are too complex to be told, we must be experienced.
And the other truth is that, no matter what words you use to describe your experience, you have a place in the community. The way you tell your story doesn’t change that.
The biggest journey in life is understanding ourselves and coming to know ourselves. Your search for a label that fits, as your knowledge of yourself grows, is a beautiful part of that journey. See if you can try to enjoy it.
