Scott's Thoughts @greenguru3 - Tumblr Blog

tries to throw a stone into a lake but the lady of the lake catches it and throws it back at mach force killing me instantly

chaarmandeeer-deactivated201904

no reason for yall to hate raccoons theyre just tiny dogs in need of a loving n caring home

dogs dont have hands

thenotoriousscuttlecliff

queen-scribbles

matt-ruins-your-shit

All great suggestions

kryptonians

heatandapathy

This post gets better every time I see it

teenscoolest

hamtastrophe

it’s sometimes hard to believe rasputin was real. like there’s no non-fucked up part of rasputin’s existence

bigthecat

did he do something problematic i thought he was just russia’s greatest love machine

the-itchy-bitchy-spider

basic (true) story: fanatical russian monk who has almost never shaved or washed and smells like goats shows up at the russian capital with a creepy look on his beardy face and everyone just assumes he’s a prophet or a saint because he’s got a cult following that believes he can cure illnesses. his stans are sexually obsessed with him and he gets just a fuckton of russian pussy wherever he goes cause apparently he can cure his true believers of illness with god-given dick magic. russia’s queen has him come stay at the palace and sets him up in luxury because she thinks he can cure her son’s haemophilia with the power of russian goat jesus, and they (allegedly) become lovers, probably, ‘cause she craves that unwashed goat-scented dick like the rest of his cult which she now (allegedly) belongs to.

then the worst assassins in the history of assassinations try to assassinate him, because all of russia is slutshaming the queen he has too much power over the royal family and it’s helping revolutionaries turn people against the royals. so these idiots have him round for tea and cakes which are poisoned with cyanide, but he is magically unaffected by poison they get the dose wrong and he doesn’t die, and then he drinks three glasses of wine, which are also poisoned, and he doesn’t die, so they tell him to look at a crucifix and shoot him in the chest with a revolver when he isn’t looking, and he doesn’t die, but they think he’s dead so one of them dresses in his clothes and gets driven to his apartment to make it look like he’s gone home to hide the crime, and when they come back he gets up and attacks them, so they stab him in the side with a knife, and he doesn’t die, and then he frees himself and runs outside, so they shoot him a few times more, including in the forehead, and they wrap his body up and chuck him in the icy river, and he doesn’t go into the water, so his body is found on the ice the next day. and get this…. he died…. of hypothermia.

tyrannosaurus-rex

additionally, everyone who wasnt in the party of getting rid of rasputin was pretty bummed out when they found him and his miracle dick dead the next day and there was a pretty bangin funeral of which the royal family themselves attended. however after the tsar was overthrown a few month later they exhumed his body and burned it because the new leadership was very adamant about making sure there were no ties left to honor the old monarchy. however this dudes body had never been properly prepped for a cremation which meant that under the extreme heat his tendons and ligaments began to retract and shrink causing his dead body to move and twitch around as if still animate. according to some testimony his body actually sat up straight on the pyre, and at least one spectator fired a gun at the body and another may have allegedly died of shock.

w0wls

Rasputin was an old god from times before humans

mad-duck

He is like a cleric gone wild

godlessondheimite

“did rasputin do something problematic” i am going to die

catlezzer-deactivated20200616

why is this sentence written with such perfect comedic timing

powerfulwizard

Had a realization in a dream I just had that this isn’t real and I can just do whatever I want and so I started shrinking the face of this guy that was talking to me and then once it got real small I woke up sleep paralyzed

powerfulwizard

I was given godlike powers over the universe by realizing it’s all in my head and the first thing I did was use them to torment the nearest man

powerfulwizard

And the actual God woke me up and put me into a 5 minute timeout to lay frozen and think about what I’ve done

blubrrybowl

When you’re trying to act normal in front of a group of people you barely know and someone mentions one of your special interests

a-titty-ninja

theirisianprincess

DID HE MAKE IT??

imnotafraidofhospitals

he makes it

theirisianprincess

THANK FUCKING GOD

lacapitaine-deactivated20120131

terriamon

skajador

jon-arbuckle-murdered-lyman

Reminder that Jon Arbuckle murdered Lyman in cold blood as a means to obtain Odie for his own cruel purposes

genderflux-moved-deactivated201

Not saying he wouldnt do this but SOURCE?????

raeloganthesonic06fangirl

Oh, boy, this is a fun bit of trivia.

See this book? This was published in 1998. I got it when I was 8 from my school bus driver for being really helpful on the route map for her first day, so this book has been in my possession for 19+ years. It’s very battered, but all the pages are still there, taped together, because the binding glue didn’t react well to the environment I lived in at the time.

Page 32 has a special “Bonus” spot for Lyman, with “updated” (for 1998) profile art

Closer look at the page

JON, WHAT DID YOU DO?

raeloganthesonic06fangirl

Oh, and also, if you know your Garfield Lore, then Lyman was Jon’s roommate until 1983, then left for an unknown reason, leaving Odie behind. He did appear in a Logo Box for Garfield’s 10th Birthday strip in 1988, as a cameo, but for the most part, Lyman has been absent for so long, they have continually rewritten how exactly Jon obtained Odie, ranging from adopting him from the same shop as Garfield, to adopting Odie a couple years into owning Garfield.

Except for

The popular 90s Garfield flash game, “Garfield’s Spooky Scavenger Hunt”, in which you can find Lyman chained up in a basement as a hidden eastern egg. He begs Garfield to give him some muffins to eat, then disappears after you leave the room and come back.

Garfield Lore is pretty messed up when you dig around.