[greenmountainmom]

Rollercoaster

I am so emotionally exhausted all the time that I don’t have energy to keep in touch with anyone most days. My life has been full of ups and downs, but I’m hanging in there. There are rough days but I think the good days are outnumbering the bad days. 

- We started couples counseling. I think it is going good, I really like the counsellor.

-I started individual therapy too! Feels good to have someone to talk to. Also, learned that I have anxiety and have been having panic attacks the last few years. Did you know that a panic attack doesn’t mean that you can’t breathe? I didn’t.  I also realized that there isn’t much I enjoy doing anymore, and am trying to get myself back to a place where I like doing things again or even leaving the house.

- I’m working really, really hard at focusing on self care and doing things that make me happy and feel rested. It’s hard to spend so much energy on myself, but it is helping my overall mood, which helps everyone else. 

- Things I’ve done for self care: spending about an hour a day learning to play my ukulele, yoga before bed, cooking a fancy dinner, spa night in, going for a walk. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it is making me feel so much calmer. Plus I have a girls day/night out planned with my sister and sister-in-law in a few weeks, a day trip to Montreal with college friends next week, and am starting going to bookclub again. I’ve isolated myself from people for too long, and I need to work on friendship relationships too. 

- School is over for the summer! Finals were last week. I studied and worked so hard, and I ended the semester with a 4.0 again! Remember a couple months ago when I was having trouble writing so I drunk wrote a paper that was worth 40% of my grade and turned it in without even editing it? Somehow I got an A- on it. Ha. I can’t believe I pulled off doing so well with school with everything else that has been going on. Thank goodness for understanding teachers that gave me a couple extensions. 

- Some days are HARD. Some days I am angry and sad about everything and there is nothing that will shake it. I’m working on letting myself feel emotions without feeling guilt for feeling things. I am such a mess.

- Anyway. It’s summer break for me! Kids are in school for 3ish more weeks, and I’ll pull Rooster from full time daycare then too (he’ll stay 2 days/week over the summer to hold his spot). I’m taking these weeks to recharge and catch up on everything. 

[greenmountainmom]

Solo

I’m eating cheese and crackers, kalamata olives, capers, and an orange for dinner.

I bought myself a nice bottle of rosé wine.

I just put on Love, Simon, which I haven’t seen yet.

It’s too quiet in the house with the kids gone, but it’s going to be a good night.

[greenmountainmom]

Therapy felt like a bust

All that build up...

They actually can’t refer me to anyone local. Told me at the end. Looks like I need to find someone that will take our insurance and just suck it up and find the money from somewhere to pay until the deductible is met. I can’t drive 2 hours away every week.

I feel like I am emotionally exhausted for no reason. She seemed more concerned about my husband’s issues, especially military connected stuff. I know I should have expected it because it was a military connected service, but still. I wanted her to ask more about me. They are supposed to provide spouse supports.

Even when I tried to volunteer information about how things make me feel, she just responded with “that’s hard.” I don’t know what therapists usually do, but I needed more than that.

Guess the search for help continues.

[greenmountainmom]

I am anxious about tomorrow

I’m going to my first therapy appointment. It’s an hour and a half away. It’s more of an intake type thing, through the VA or some military affiliated place. I’m not really sure, but I think I am going to talk to a counselor and they are going to set me up with someone local. Going through them is a pain, but I don’t have to worry about paying out of pocket since I haven’t met my deductible. 

I’m so nervous about it. I don’t even know what I’m going to say or how I’m going to start talking. My hands just started pouring sweat just typing this. I hope it goes good though, I really need someone to talk to.

I am potentially, maybe open to marriage counseling down the road too. After lots of individual therapy for both of us. I need this separation though. I need to figure out if he can really change, although I don’t know that I can trust him again even if he does. Life is so complicated. I wish it was as easy as just walking away and not loving someone anymore. For those of you that know the details, I probably just sound stupid and naive. 

The kids are also staying the night at their dad’s for the first time tomorrow night. What am I going to do with myself all evening? And the next morning? I’m on vacation from school, so I will have zero responsibilities. 

[greenmountainmom]

Small town rumor mill

Rumors about my husband and I splitting have reached Rooster’s birth family.

His grandmother reached out to me yesterday. She heard a lot of things, nitty gritty details I didn’t really want out. Sigh. She wanted to check if I am doing ok.

You guys, I was SO scared about telling their family. I adopted their baby. And apparently my home life is a mess, even though I was blindsided by it all. I didn’t want to tell them that I gave Rooster another broken home.

But she was so nice. Supportive. Talked about going through similar things, told me women are strong and I’d get through it, said she isn’t worried about Rooster, she knows we love him. Asked about the girls. Wants to go out just the two of us to talk.

The lack of judgement was completely unexpected. I’m still nervous about talking to Rooster’s mom about it, but I’m sure she already knows from grandma. I think she’s going to be pissed, but maybe she will surprise me too.

[greenmountainmom]

I got my paper submitted

It’s crap. But I’m trying not to care. At least it’s done and not piling up like everything else. I hate that I can’t just take a week or two off without having to make up all the work or getting a shitty grade.

Also, I had a couple drinks, and that combined with still not being able to eat (which sucks) means i have a buzz. Probably not super responsible of me, but I didn’t think it would affect me this much.

And of course, Rooster is waking up again now for the 4th time tonight, screaming “Daddy” over and over. Never mind, he fell back asleep on his own. But that kid breaks my heart missing his dad.

I really need a break from everything. I haven’t had more than a few minutes alone to process everything. Is it bad that I kind of can’t wait until my husband had his apartment set up next week and can take the kids overnight so I can just take a night with no responsibilities to wallow in my sadness? I just need some time alone.

[greenmountainmom]

Lost Skill

My ability to write a coherent sentence, let alone a paper. 

I need to be able to write. My brain won’t let me.

I almost skipped class yesterday because I couldn’t write the draft of a paper that was due. I didn’t want to show up without having done the homework. I made myself go anyway, and just owned that I didn’t do it. The teacher, who knows some of my personal crap because I missed a deadline last week, didn’t seem to care. My type A personality had a hard time showing up still because I feared all the judgement (we were doing peer editing, I just sat out). 

I have been working on a different paper, what should have been a simple 4 page paper, all day. I’m still not done. My writing is shit. it doesn’t make any sense. 

As someone who is usually a strong writer, this is hard. 

At this point I’m just trying to ramble to fill the last page. It’s due at midnight. I already got a week extension. I hate handing in work that is not very good. 

I’m feeling like a failure. If nothing else, I have always been good at school. I can’t be bad at this, too. 

[greenmountainmom]

Therapy

I finally found a therapist. Scheduled my first appointment today.

I feel like such a grown up for deciding to take care of myself. 

[moonlitstargazerforever]

In case anyone needs this today 😘

[greenmountainmom]

Life goes on

+ hired someone to plow the driveway

- the cows broke down the gate and I had to chase them all in 3 feet of snow for 2 hours and rig up a new gate

- Rooster spiked a fever last night and today 

+ caught up on the laundry, even folded it all and put it all away

- my mom googled all the things that can happen when you don’t eat and made me feel guilty for not eating

+ I made myself eat a handful or tortilla chips after not eating for three days, and they stayed down

- let the kids watch tv and play on tablets most of the day

+ made homemade chicken noodle soup for dinner

- ate a little bit of chicken soup, it came right back up.

+ got all the kids bathed

-+? Everything is so complicated. We are talking, he’s spending time with the kids. We are civil. I am sad. But we are never getting back together and I hate that I’m the one making that decision, even though I feel like the choice was taken from me. 

[greenmountainmom]

Things

I can’t bring myself to take off my wedding ring, even though all it symbolizes is lies and broken promises.

I’m never going to see my nieces and nephews again. That is hard to think about.

I’m still trying to figure out if anything in my marriage was ever real, if every minute was a lie or maybe some of it was the happiness I thought it was.

I’m so heartbroken. For myself, for the kids. They don’t deserve this. But I don’t derserve it either.

[greenmountainmom]

You guys

My college friends know I’m having a rough time. Also, my birthday was forgotten a few days ago at home and yesterday I may have cried about that to them lumped in with everything else.

They made a plan for before class tonight. Class was cancelled. One friend, who lives an hour and a half away, drove all the way to my house to bring me birthday cake. She baked me a cake late last night. And drove it to me when she couldn’t give it to me at class.

And these are people that I was worried were just friendly to me because they pity me, the old lady in the class.

Some people really are great. She made me cry, but the good kind.

My kids had already devoured a few. Plus she brought strawberries and whipped cream in case I didn’t like cake. ❤️

[greenmountainmom]

Anxieties and Separation

I always feel like people are just pretending to like me, even if there is zero evidence.

I’ve always been this way. I think everyone that spends time with me is just doing it out of pity. That I’m not good enough to have friends, why would anyone actually want to be friends with me? I feel insecure like this in other relationships too, like family, my parents, siblings. It’s something I really have to work against because it feels so real.

I was wrong about some people. I have friends at school. I feel weird even writing the word friends, it’s so foreign to claim people as friends, to admit that they might actually like me as a person and not just be tolerating my presence. They have stepped up.

But turns out I was right with one person, the one person who knew about my insecurity. They were good at pretending. And that hurts.

My husband and I are separating. It’s happening for real, this time. It hurts. But I think it is what has to happen.

[greenmountainmom]

Stress

Rooster woke up (and fell back asleep) at 4 this morning. I couldn’t fall back asleep because I am so stressed and can’t figure out how to make things work.

Long story short, my husband has to go away for a month. He wasn’t going to have to go, now he does.

This falls on my final 3 weeks of classes.

I have classes later than daycare is open 3 times a week. He usually does pick up.

I have no idea what I am going to do for childcare while he is gone. I need a sitter with a license that can pick up Rooster and come hang out with the kids at home until I get home. I don’t know anyone.

I can probably skip a couple evening classes the first week. But I can’t skip the second week, because it will be the final classes. And the third week is finals.

I hope I can get this figured out.

[youcouldtotallycookthis]

Pasta Fagioli

Pasta Fagioli is by far my favorite food on this earth, you know that moment in Ratatouille where the food critic is instantly transported back to his childhood with a single bite? That’s this food for me. For the record, it’s pronounced “fah-zool” OR “fah-jo-lee” but the most common way in America is the first way. I have no idea if it’s a regional thing but since it’s a peasant dish it’s pretty open to interpretation. Some families make it as a soup, others a pasta with sauce, some even make it with barley instead of pasta, but none of that matters as long as you keep it simple. Here’s my family’s version.

Ditalini pasta (yes, it has to be that specific shape)*

19oz can of dark red kidney beans*

6oz can of PLAIN tomato paste*

3-5 cloves of garlic (I like the tube shit for this because I don’t like biting into chunks of garlic)*

Fresh Italian Parsley (it may be called Curly Parsley but just sure as shit make sure it isn’t cilantro)*

Salt and olive oil

1) Put your big pot on to boil, filled ¾ the way with water, add in a palm full of salt (about two tablespoons), lid on.

2) Open the can of kidney beans and dump into a blender, do not drain and scrape the bottom of the can clean because the red beany sediment is important. Fill this can with hot water from the tap to the line closest to the top (so it is almost a full can of water) and add this water to the blender as well. 

3) Open the tomato paste and get a tablespoon (the utensil kind not the measuring kind) and scoop almost to the bottom and pull up so that you take out MOST of the paste in the can but not all. Add that to the blender and put the rest aside*. Add a tablespoon (the measuring kind) of salt to the blender and blend until smooth (or if you like it a little chunky that’s cool too)*.

4) Take out a medium sauce pot with a lid, put in about 2 tablespoons of olive oil, garlic, and with scissors snip off a good palm full of parsley leaves. Don’t overdo it on the parsley though, less is more. Put on medium heat and let it sizzle. Use a wooden spoon to get things moving and when your garlic has a golden color go ahead and dump in the contents of the blender. Give everything a good stir making sure to loosen everything from the bottom of the pan. Raise the heat until it bubbles, do not leave it unattended and do not let it boil you will burn the shit out of it and beans are unforgiving. Once you see a few bubbles immediately turn it to the lowest setting and stir well, then leave it with the lid cocked open a little. 

5) By now your pot of water should be boiling. Add your ditalini and set the timer for 10 minutes. You want this shit al dente. If you used some other brand then use the al dente time on the box. Stir to prevent sticking, do not add oil. Clean up while it’s boiling maybe?

6) When the pasta is done and tested, drain, do not rinse*, just return to the pan and dump all the sauce over it. Congrats, you’re done! This was super easy. Hopefully you didn’t offend my mother*.

Opinions and tips:

*I find Barilla to be the best of the dried pasta brands but you do you as long as it’s the ditalini shape.

*When buying canned beans buy Italian brands for Italian dishes as a general rule. 

*Contadina has the best tomato paste, only use shit like Hunts if there is literally no other option. 

*With tube garlic it’s hard to measure, just visualize the approximate size of a clove of garlic per blob…or go balls out like I do.

*Fresh parsley comes in big bunches or tiny plastic boxes in the produce section. If you choose to buy a bunch just shove it in a ziploc bag and stick it in the freezer after, you can still cut fresh parsley from the frozen hunk for recipes, just avoid stems and throw it out if it get’s freezer burnt. Don’t try to keep this in the fridge. 

*Put the leftover tomato paste in a little baggie and stick it in the freezer, it’s a great boost to a broth for a chicken soup.

*The more whole your beans are…the more farts you will have. Fair warning.

*Only rinse pasta if you’re making it cold for a pasta salad or something.

*She would only be offended if you put parmesan cheese on top, but even then I only imagine it would be a confused glare. If you used some shelf stable shit like Kraft she might full on haunt your ass though.

[greenmountainmom]

Trying this for dinner tonight!

[greenmountainmom]

This is SO DELICIOUS. Highly recommend. Thanks @bujnik !

[youcouldtotallycookthis]

Pasta Fagioli

Pasta Fagioli is by far my favorite food on this earth, you know that moment in Ratatouille where the food critic is instantly transported back to his childhood with a single bite? That’s this food for me. For the record, it’s pronounced “fah-zool” OR “fah-jo-lee” but the most common way in America is the first way. I have no idea if it’s a regional thing but since it’s a peasant dish it’s pretty open to interpretation. Some families make it as a soup, others a pasta with sauce, some even make it with barley instead of pasta, but none of that matters as long as you keep it simple. Here’s my family’s version.

Ditalini pasta (yes, it has to be that specific shape)*

19oz can of dark red kidney beans*

6oz can of PLAIN tomato paste*

3-5 cloves of garlic (I like the tube shit for this because I don’t like biting into chunks of garlic)*

Fresh Italian Parsley (it may be called Curly Parsley but just sure as shit make sure it isn’t cilantro)*

Salt and olive oil

1) Put your big pot on to boil, filled ¾ the way with water, add in a palm full of salt (about two tablespoons), lid on.

2) Open the can of kidney beans and dump into a blender, do not drain and scrape the bottom of the can clean because the red beany sediment is important. Fill this can with hot water from the tap to the line closest to the top (so it is almost a full can of water) and add this water to the blender as well. 

3) Open the tomato paste and get a tablespoon (the utensil kind not the measuring kind) and scoop almost to the bottom and pull up so that you take out MOST of the paste in the can but not all. Add that to the blender and put the rest aside*. Add a tablespoon (the measuring kind) of salt to the blender and blend until smooth (or if you like it a little chunky that’s cool too)*.

4) Take out a medium sauce pot with a lid, put in about 2 tablespoons of olive oil, garlic, and with scissors snip off a good palm full of parsley leaves. Don’t overdo it on the parsley though, less is more. Put on medium heat and let it sizzle. Use a wooden spoon to get things moving and when your garlic has a golden color go ahead and dump in the contents of the blender. Give everything a good stir making sure to loosen everything from the bottom of the pan. Raise the heat until it bubbles, do not leave it unattended and do not let it boil you will burn the shit out of it and beans are unforgiving. Once you see a few bubbles immediately turn it to the lowest setting and stir well, then leave it with the lid cocked open a little. 

5) By now your pot of water should be boiling. Add your ditalini and set the timer for 10 minutes. You want this shit al dente. If you used some other brand then use the al dente time on the box. Stir to prevent sticking, do not add oil. Clean up while it’s boiling maybe?

6) When the pasta is done and tested, drain, do not rinse*, just return to the pan and dump all the sauce over it. Congrats, you’re done! This was super easy. Hopefully you didn’t offend my mother*.

Opinions and tips:

*I find Barilla to be the best of the dried pasta brands but you do you as long as it’s the ditalini shape.

*When buying canned beans buy Italian brands for Italian dishes as a general rule. 

*Contadina has the best tomato paste, only use shit like Hunts if there is literally no other option. 

*With tube garlic it’s hard to measure, just visualize the approximate size of a clove of garlic per blob…or go balls out like I do.

*Fresh parsley comes in big bunches or tiny plastic boxes in the produce section. If you choose to buy a bunch just shove it in a ziploc bag and stick it in the freezer after, you can still cut fresh parsley from the frozen hunk for recipes, just avoid stems and throw it out if it get’s freezer burnt. Don’t try to keep this in the fridge. 

*Put the leftover tomato paste in a little baggie and stick it in the freezer, it’s a great boost to a broth for a chicken soup.

*The more whole your beans are…the more farts you will have. Fair warning.

*Only rinse pasta if you’re making it cold for a pasta salad or something.

*She would only be offended if you put parmesan cheese on top, but even then I only imagine it would be a confused glare. If you used some shelf stable shit like Kraft she might full on haunt your ass though.

[greenmountainmom]

Trying this for dinner tonight!

[greenmountainmom]

Random Stuff

Genetic testing for Rooster was approved by insurance. We will be getting the blood work done Monday and hopefully have results in a few weeks.

Also, we have an appointment with a child development clinic next week. I’m interested in hearing what they think.

I think the insurance payments for speech are being taken care of. The therapy office said they would resubmit everything and that we shouldn’t have to pay because they had pre-approvals. 

I’m still back and forth on whether I will send him to preschool in the fall or wait another year. There will be a meeting scheduled soon with some people that will tell me the options we have for him transitioning out of early intervention programs when he turns 3. It seems like there might still be options for services even if we don’t start him in school. 

Daycare is killing me. Our provider is great, but has taken a lot of days off recently and has quite a few scheduled in the next few months. Plus when we started she said it would be fine for my husband to pick him up after he gets out of work (5-10 minutes after her official closing time, he gets done work right as she closes) but now it seems like an issue. We only do it 1-2 days a week. I don’t know if this is enough for us to look for another daycare, but it’s annoying to try to scramble for the days off. 

My husband’s job seemed stable again, but now it looks like the company is sinking. He’s going to start job hunting. 

I applied for a real-ish job today. Substitute teaching. I can only do 1-2 days a week right now while I’m in school, but the extra money will be helpful. I haven’t worked in 13 years. 

My “job” at the writing center is cushy. I just get to sit and do homework unless some one comes in for help. I wish I had more than two hours a week there. Next semester I will have more hours at least. 

School is easier this semester than it was last semester because of the classes I am in, just more time consuming. 20 credits is a lot. I am away from home for very long days. Next semester is going to be so hard, and I am dreading it.