I guess it’s because there’s such a small audience here anymore that I post these things. All I can count on is a like or two, usually. Which is fine. It’s so hard for me to be able to express how I’m feeling in my every day life. I’m fearful of what will be said to me. That shouldn’t be an excuse, but it is.
I checked back through my texts tonight. Me and Mindy officially split for good on May 29 of this year. It’s been just shy of 5 months apart. It’s been amicable. I don’t hate her, she doesn’t hate me, nothing like that. She’s helped me when I needed it. When my apartment lease was up for renewal, she helped me sign for the new year. When I accidentally forgot my keys in my apartment, she dropped what she was doing to help out. When I wanted to sign a new phone contract, she helped out. I’d always ask for lunch or coffee or something afterwards. Always met with a no. “I’m too hungover” “I’m playing majiang”. Bummer, but I could never really argue. Maybe that’s where I fail.
Outside of those things, it’s been nigh impossible. Being here, I’m clinging on to anything I have. It’s isolating, even if you have a job. I want to hold on to and see whatever friends I do make. To whatever relationships I do form. I’m used to hearing no. I hear it all the time. At work, on job interviews, from my friends, from OLD, from automated services, internet strangers. You name it, they’ll (or it’ll) find a way to say no. Unless I shove money in their (its) face. This is the part where you think “Duh, Greg, she’s your ex, of course she’s gonna say no”. This is why I write this here.
Recently, I found a new place to go eat. That’s one of her ticks. If I’d suggest a place she’s been to already, she’s not interested. It usually has to be a new place. She agreed, but this place is usually only open for dinner. She told me dinner is hard for her, so I laid out all the options, she says weekends are a no go because she’s got a new boyfriend. This planning process was going on for over a week. No after no after no after reason why we can’t do it. I felt slimy when she told that to me tonight. I felt slimy, I felt dumb, I felt callous. This is where you think “I could have told you that she had a boyfriend”. Yea. Me too. But she never said it definitively. This is why I write this here.
I asked her how long they’ve been together. 3 months she said. 3 months. We split at the end of May. May 29th. If there wasn’t context to that span of time, it would be a non-factor for me. Good for her. She found somebody pretty quickly. But context matters. A lot. I don’t know what you’d think at this point. This is why I write this here.
In our relationship she was always worrying that I’d find someone better. She always told me that I wouldn’t have a problem finding someone else when she broke up with me for the XXXXth time. I always told her that she was a fluke. That girls are by and large just not interested enough in me to pursue anything. That if we actually broke up, I’d have a really hard time even making a new friend, let alone find a new relationship. I knew that she’d actually have no problem. She has everything she needs. She’s attractive, knows how to handle people, can speak the language, has a great network of people. That’s about all you could ever need. I........don’t have any of those things here. I’m slightly overweight, can’t seem to hold a conversation with anyone, can only speak a tiny bit of the language, and I definitely have a narrow network of people here.
All of this is to say that she took maybe 1-2 months to find someone new. She did exactly what she was “afraid” I would do. As in, she accused me of a thought crime I’d never commit, then actually went and committed it, and somehow at the end of it all, I feel horrible about it. I’m the one left feeling inadequate and alone.
I don’t know how to end this one. I think I suck right now, and I can’t wait until I think I don’t suck.
