I am Neegan...and you should be too!
That’s right. I’m Neegan. I’m the sadistic big bad that just killed off two beloved (OK…only one beloved) characters on The Walking Dead. I took a bat to their heads and didn’t shed a tear when they breathed their last. I really didn’t. Their deaths were not only deserved, but they were long overdue.
And the thing is, you should be Neegan too. Don’t waste your tears on this band of adventurers who have wreaked havoc in the South for 5 years now. They’ve had too many chances and they should all be put to the club. Really.
Now, before you get too mad at me, let me say that I’ve played D&D since the late 70s. I’ve been the DM most of that time. It is a game, but a game that teaches basic group survival and tactics for the adventuring party to survive in a hostile world.
The Walking Dead is basically D&D in the post-modern era. You have to manage a group of adventurers, find weapons, find ways to survive, build a base camp, etc. If you don’t do things correctly, there is a good chance your character will die. And he should die. Dumb warrior charges into a hoard of orcs by himself, and he SHOULD die.
But the crew from The Walking Dead have been doing dumb stuff for years and they get away with it. Some weeks it seems like the writers are saying, “lets see how dumb we can make this character be this week.” They usually survive no matter how dumb they are, but occasionally they die.
But never all of them. And lets face it, they all should be dead, dead, dead by now. And we should applaud the writers for this.
Just stick a fork in them already.
Now, how can I say this? What makes this particular group of adventurers especially worthy of a TPK? Ahhh….let me count the ways.
1. Rule #1 of any adventuring crew: Never split the party.
Yet, on a weekly basis, we see one member of the party decide to go off on their own. Members that SHOULD know better. Rick has done it and he is supposed to be the leader. Carl, Daryl, Beth, the chick that Carl is hot on, Sasha….heck, has ANYONE in the cast not at some point decided not to do? Even characters who clearly have no business being out on their own decide to go out from some dumb reason. NEVER SPLIT THE PARTY.
2. But the crew is awfully big, right? So it doesn’t make sense to only have the full force go out all the time. Right? So set up a logical rotation for runs, for basic tactics, for anytime the front gate is opened. There should be a minimum of four people grouped together at a time. Each group trains as a unit. You have (had) an army guy in your group and a former law enforcement. Both should be schooled in basic (or advanced) small group tactics. Yet there is precious little evidence that any tactics are actually employed in raids. Get your battle tactics in place before going into dangerous situations!
3. Weapon/Armor selection
Most of the primaries are trained with guns, which is good. Many have knives. This is also good. Most also have machetes. 2 questions on this one….1st. Where did everyone get these machetes? Was Walmart overstocked? 2nd: have you ever actually tried to swing a machete? This is an awkward weapon at best and I would strongly suspect that it would have a tendency to get stuck in bone. Hunting knives make much more sense.
But my primary complaint here is the lack of armor. Every time they go out to take on Walkers, it is like they are getting ready to go to the beach. short sleeves, maybe jeans. And armor against these zombies would be so easy to use/make. Stop by a sporting goods store and get some catcher/football/hockey pads. Easy to move in and I doubt if all the sports gear has been raided by others. Can’t find that? How about some coat-hangers and turn it into a nice set of chain-mail armor? Ya, it is going to need repaired after every battle, but I’m guessing that walkers can’t bite through steel. None of that available? How about some duct-tape armor? Duct tape fixes everything. Building a durable suit of duct tape armor wouldn’t be too hard and will save your life.
Oh…and helmets. Put on a frickin’ helmet already. They can’t bite you in the face if they can’t get to your face.
4. KEEP YOUR CLERICS SAFE.
You are in zombie land. All sorts of bad stuff goes wrong all the time. Only a few people left have appropriate medical knowledge. Those people do NOT get to go wandering in zones that are not 100% safe. EVER.
Hershel was allowed to wander outside the walls of the prison. And then he gets killed. WTF was he doing out there in the first place? Rick decides to kill the doctor in the new sanctuary they found. Ya, he was a dick. Ya, he beat his family. But he was also a doctor. You are telling me that you couldn’t turn a basement into a jail? You couldn’t lock his ass up when he wasn’t doctoring or working in the fields? It was better to just kill him? Dumbass.
Then someone else in the town happens to have medical training. She saves Carl’s life. She isn’t great, but she has the training. And then you take her out on a run for supplies and she gets killed.
She ain’t a warrior. She ain’t a combatant. She can’t handle herself out in zombieland. Yet she is allowed to go out (or she would go out by herself).
You’ll stay here where it is safe because that is where you best help the party. If you die, others will die and you don’t have the right to put others in jeopardy.
But out she goes. And she dies.
5. HOW FRICKIN’ DUMB ARE YOU????
OK. In a game the DM reads you your situation.
DM: “You are surrounded by countless zombies. There are 8 people in your group, but only 3 combatants plus a mother, a teenager, a child, an infant, and an old woman who has been bitten and will turn soon. You are on the second floor of a house and have the stairways blocked so that the zombies can’t get to you. What do you do?”
Player: “Is there a place to hide?”
DM? There is a closet that locks from the inside.
Player: “What attracts the zombies?”
DM: “smell of anything alive, sound, possibly movement if it isn’t concealed somehow.
Player: I gut a couple of zombies and spread their innards all over us. That will hide us from them.
DM: ummm….you tried that a few years ago, remember? It worked for a few minutes and then you had to run for your lives. And that was with just you and one other guy; not a whole group of villagers.
Player: “naw, it’ll work this time.
DM: OK…you gunna leave one of your fighters with the villagers to protect them while you go get help, right? You should be able to make it to the armory.
Player: naw, we are all going.
DM: The small child is freaking out and the teenager has a panicked glint in his eyes.
Player: I use “intimidate” to get them moving. That’ll work.
DM: The infant is fussing and is picking up general panic from everyone in the group.
Player. I’ll put her under a sheet. That’ll keep the sound away from the zombies.
DM: Little boy points out that there is a closet that locks from the inside and maybe it would be a good place to hide.
Player: *smears zombie blood on little boy* “Get your act together or I’m tossin you down the stairs you little brat.”
DM: what are you doing with the old lady that is dying?
Player: I’ll let her babysit the infant while we get ready. then we’ll leave her behind to let her die.
Really…..seriously. How frickin’ dumb is this plan? On what universe would it have any chance of working? No leader this dumb should be allowed to live through a campaign. The DM should kill that character so someone else can step up and lead the party.
I could go on for days on all the stupid stuff this party does. In any D&D game, the DM should kill off these idiots. As dumb as I’ve seen some of the groups I’ve DMed for do things, The Walking Dead crew really takes the cake and in a game I’m running if they are still doing things this dumb after 5 years, then I’m Neegan.
This group doesn’t deserve to live. They’ve been given every opportunity and they are adamant in their refusal to learn anything.
Kill ‘em off and start anew.
It is the most humane thing to do at this point.
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