house of grey

[greynug]

I really am unstable without these meds, huh.?

[greynug]

Oh mother, I can feel, the soil falling over my head.

[greynug]

But it’s not.

I’m capable of more. And I haven’t done enough. For everyone and myself. I haven’t righted all of my wrongs. And I’m not happy with what I know. Having these thoughts while being sober feels like my first step towards being good.

[greynug]

Maybe today’s the day.

[greynug]

I want to open my heart and let it pour out.

And out. And out . And out. The waves that have been locked away, crashing endlessly, and storming over hopeful beaches. The gales that carry the pollen which would bear growth to ideas. The melodies of joy that have been playing backwards, could possibly be appreciated it.

To share my emotions again. To be vulnerable not only to you but myself. To actually love again. That day I fear is coming soon.

And I’m sorry for the day after.

[greynug]

[greynug]

[greynug]

[greynug]

07/14/2019

“Grip me by the hand ‘til you teach me to float”

Apologies to my family and friends, foremost.

Apologies for my absence. The missed calls, and the ignored ones. Apologies for the missed birthdays, anniversaries and graduations. Apologies for the neglect, the subtle hate and the lies.

I’m not who I once was, and I’d hate for you guys to remember me that way. I hope I can grow back into that person. I hope I can find my new home soon.

But for now, I’ll continue challenging my morals. Do you actually know the difference between good and bad?

[greynug]

[greynug]

[greynug]

[greynug]

01/13/2019

The urge to fuck you is real.

Had a pretty good time last night! Went to a house warming party for a co-worker/ future roommate. Hung out with a bunch of my old co-workers which was hella fun. Then woke up with a hangover this morning but nothing some breakfast couldn’t fix.

Next week I start rehab, so there’s that for me. It’s time I got the help I’ve always needed.

[greynug]

12/30/201&

“Relax. Don’t do it.”

What a fucking weekend.

Long story short.

Bandersnatch.

Bowling and dropping acid before I got dragged to this club.

Telling someone I fucking really care about that we weren’t going to fuck cause she was drunk. And I was fucked up.

Having to feel like shit because she got upset about that, even though I knew it was the right thing to do.

Distraught.

[greynug]

I know a few notes here and there.

[greynug]

11/10/2018

After figuring out that my cousin and I both have the same ugly ass laugh, I don’t feel so alone anymore.

[greynug]

11/06/2018

I’m going to go get lost these next couple of weeks.

I wish you were here.