LOCKDOWN -PART 2-YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU.
Itâs been a few weeks since my last Blog, so I thought Iâd update you on what has been going on. Suffice it to say,not a lot! The only real change is that my lawn now looks like my hair usually looks and my hair now looks like my lawn usually looks, other than that things are pretty much unchanged.
However, recently I have been tasked with two important initiatives to help the country get back to normal. The first of these is to be a local Co-ordinator for the Test and Trace initiative. Apparently I have been chosen as my list of Facebook friends has the perfect demographic for this type of work, as 58% of them are scientists,65% are viral specialists , 82% are medical experts and 85% are nosy bastards. Some are all four, and it is these people we are aiming for. How people have managed to assimilate so much in-depth knowledge in 10 weeks is amazing, but I guess being furloughed helps. And watching Piers Morgan.
I am therefore responsible for pulling together a crack team of volunteers to ensure that people who are suspected of having come into contact with the virus are contacted and their movements over the past few days monitored and recorded. For the majority of my researchers, part of the 85% mentioned above, they will be able to complete this task without even ringing the people concerned simply by carrying out their normal daily activities of stalking people on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and Twitter. From this they will already have a complete list of places visited and people contacted by suspected carriers, as well as what they had for tea and how long they queued at Macdonalds.
With such a dedicated bunch of researchers I am confident that anybody suspected of being in danger from the virus will soon be identified and therefore can self-isolate, safe in the knowledge that everybody they have stood next to in the queue for the Chippy is similarly well informed. So to those of my FB friends who fit the bill (you know who you are), expect a call shortly- Your Country Needs You.
The second part of my task is to draw up a set of guidelines for travelling to and checking in at the airport once flights begin again later in the year. Again I have been specifically chosen due to my Facebook profile, apparently it was thought that prior to Lockdown we went on more than our fair share of holidays and were thus ideally placed to advise on necessary new procedures. Where this idea came from I have no idea, however in the interests of the nation I have agreed to get involved. Please therefore read and inwardly digest the new procedures to be adopted with immediate effect.
TRAVEL TO THE AIRPORT
1-If you are thinking of trying to get to the airport by bus-donât even bother. It will take the best part of a day and when you get off you will be herded into a big sheep pen and forced to remain there for a week until the possibility of having come into contact with a manual worker has been eradicated.
2-Taking the train is a better alternative, as long as nobody gets in to your carriage after you have left Broadbottom station. If anybody does, see 1 above.
3-If you decide to drive , please note the airport will be operating a strict Park and Walk policy. This involves abandoning your car in a lay-by off the M56 and walking the last four miles. The advantage of this method is that if you have one of those posh cases with wheels and you pull it behind you, the person behind has no option but to observe social distancing or risk a bruised shin.
4-Cycling is undoubtedly the most environmentally friendly and healthy way of getting to the airport, but Mottram Moor can be a killer and balancing two cases is tricky. A tandem is an option as this gives a little bit of room to balance them between the seats, but if you are a lone traveller make sure you sit on the front seat, as otherwise steering is very difficult.
CHECK-IN AND PASSPORT CONTROL.
Once you arrive at the Airport Terminal you will be required to wear a mask at all times. This makes facial recognition difficult, so before you leave for the airport please remember to draw a mask on your Passport photograph to speed up the process. Under new guidelines all searching of luggage will be undertaken by specially trained Sniffer Dogs, so on arrival in the Terminal building please join the socially-distancing queue, and when instructed to do so step forward,empty your luggage into a pile on the floor and then withdraw to a safe distance to allow the Sniffer Dogs to do their worst.
If you see one of the dogs cock its leg and mark its territory over someoneâs smalls,this is a sign that they have detected some drugs.Make a note of whose case this is, as they could be a useful source of supply in the resort. If one of the dogs does a number 2 this means it has discovered some explosives and shat itself-please vacate the building immediately, all protocols of social distancing being suspended at this point.
Once your cases have been cleared, please proceed to the Luggage Carousel, where you are now required to stand on the conveyor belt along with your luggage as you are transported through the cleansing station. This may appear to be similar to a Car Wash-thatâs because thatâs exactly what it is, so please make sure you hang on to your belongings as the brush is quite heavy and youâre under there for a good couple of minutes. Watch out for the final rinse too, as it can catch you unawares if youâre not expecting it.
Now that you have gone through the Luggage Security and Cleansing process you are ready for your personal Security Body Scan. Again there will be no human contact, as this will now be carried out by specially trained Sniffer Ferrets, who can smell anything and everything from a distance of two metres. Unfortunately you can also smell them from this distance , so the mask will come in useful. A useful tip here-make sure that your clothing is loose enough to allow the ferrets upward movement if required, but that your underwear is snug enough to prevent unnecessary access to private areas.
Once you have cleared Security you can now proceed to the Departure Lounge to wait for your plane to be scrubbed and fumigated. Unfortunately Duty Free is closed but there are a couple of free buckets of Old Spice and Musk if you want your usual drenching of pre-flight free Smellies. For safety purposes all seating has been removed and the bars and restaurants are closed, so you wonât be able to find anywhere to sit or have something to eat or drink- so no change there then.
Please listen carefully for your flight to be called , as once it is is thoroughly sterilised the plane has to take off within fifteen minutes to avoid contamination. Proceed in a socially distancing manner to the gate, and await instructions from the crew. At this point you are under the jurisdiction of Ryanair, so good luck with that one.
Hopefully these new guidelines will dispel a lot of the myths about flying post-Coronavirus, and if you decide to fly later this year Iâm sure you will find them useful.
Stay safe and keep cheerful , and remember there are only 182 non- shopping days to Christmas.