hearing her answer brought some strange type of relief — the kind where he was supposed to feel but didn’t embrace entirely . it was almost like his instinct didn’t want to believe that she was happy on her own road to discovery . but he was witness to her coming thus far, and he had to take her word for it . hence, he nodded apprehensively, before her question peaked his interest . ‘ no … and he probably wouldn’t remember . ’ he suggested, evident in the way he held her gaze that he wanted to hear all about it . it made him already wonder what he must have told her that was so memorable and important for her to bring up in the discussion .
❛ oh, trust me, he remembers — he’s been giving me guilt-ridden puppy dog eyes ever since i walked through that door. ❜ and that fact didn’t provide lana with one single thread of comfort. her leaving was never about wanting to make him regret what he did, what he said, and the weight and hurt he knew that would burden her heart with — unreciprocated feelings or not, lana wanted sam to be happy, more than anything. with or without her. no amount of self-discovery or distance was gonna change that. but if she had a right to feel however it was she was feeling, then the brunette guessed the same applied to sam, too. hazel hues resigned to the inevitability of what she was about to share look into her friend’s eyes, ❛ nothing you and i both didn’t already know for years — that he knew all along what my feelings for him were, the unreciprocated romantic quality to them, and he just didn’t care to address it, because he didn’t feel the same way, and never would. the adjectives pathetic and miserable might’ve made a brief appearance in his little speech. ❜ she talked about it nonchalantly now, but that was an ability that had only been able to achieve through the grace of time and distance. much needed time and distance, or otherwise, she’d be holding back a flood of heartbroken tears right now. a flashing grin accompanies her self-deprecating self-awareness, ❛ again, nothing you and i both didn’t already know, but just because i was aware of it doesn’t mean i’d made my peace with it, y’know? which was exactly what his soulless dick persona forced me to do, so — guess everything worked out like it was supposed to in the end. ❜ she was also well-aware she didn’t really believe that, not entirely, but it was what she had to believe, and that was enough for her to make that into a full-stop. as far as the topic of sam and her went, anyway. THERE WAS SOMETHING SHE WAS MUCH MORE INTERESTED IN DISCUSSING: lana’s neglect of how her heartbroken decisions affected the people around her, like dean. specially dean. ❛ i know it was selfish, to up and leave like that, but i just — couldn’t face him, you know? specially not by pretending like nothing had ever happened, the same way i’d been doing since i was sixteen. i’m just sorry i didn’t tell you any of that any sooner. ❜