Local Swingers Not Going To Drive Out To Goddamn Oakdale
SHOREWOOD, MNâCiting both having to work early the next morning and several other inconveniences presented by a recent sex party invitation, local swingers TJ and Liz Johansson told reporters Thursday that there is no way they are driving all the way out to goddamn Oakdale.
According to the sexually adventurous couple, traveling to the event that their friends Jen and Craig Portman are hosting in the Minneapolis suburb over an hourâs drive from the Johanssonâs home would likely not be worth the hassle, with the pair stating they would probably end up spending more time sitting in the car than they would at the orgy.
âSorry, not gonna happenâweâre just not driving all the way out there on a weeknight,â said TJ, 31, expressing his frustration that it would be â80 damn miles round-tripâ and probably run him $15 or more in gas costs. âItâs way out past Woodbury, and this thing doesnât even start until 9 p.m!â
âPlus thereâs still that construction on [Interstate] 494, so you have to give yourself an extra 20 minutes with the traffic,â TJ continued. âBy the time we all climax, shower, say goodbye to everyone, and get out of there, we wonât be home until after midnight. Not a chance.â
An aggravated Johansson added that having to stop by Whole Foods to pick up margarita mix on the way would only add to the drive time.
The couple went on to explain that they felt increasingly put out at having to always be the ones forced to make the trip to the bimonthly sex parties, saying that they couldnât remember the last time the Portmans had attended a similar gathering at the Johannsonâs home.
âIf you think about it, most of the people going tonight live way closer to here anyway,â said Liz, 29, expressing her belief that the current arrangement was the result of the Portmansâ unwillingness to travel rather than an honest desire to host a great erotic event. âAnd if youâre going to force a bunch of people to go out of their way to come to your place, the least you can do is put in a little effort. The last time we were there, pretty much all they had were some generic cheese-and-veggie trays from the grocery store and a handle of cheap vodka. The group 69â˛ing was fun, and last time I had a great orgasm when I sat on [fellow swinger friend] Cikaâs face, but câmon, can you maybe give us a couple of bottles of halfway decent wine?âÂ
Though the couple said they generally enjoy such gatherings, their decision not to âschlep all the way outâ to the eastern suburbsâwhich is reportedly twice as far away as the orgy they recently attended at a friendâs house in Eaganâwas further cemented by news that certain of their closer friends in the Twin Citiesâ kink community would not be in attendance.
âIf Sandie and Posse [Woodward] arenât going to be there, then whatâs the point?â Liz said. âThose two are great. To be honest, theyâre basically the only reason we even go to these things anymore. At least since we moved from upstate New York. Our friends there--PG31 and Verb411--now they knew how to throw a goddamn sex party!â
In addition to the long commute and disappointing guest list, the polyamorous couple presented several other arguments as to why driving âhalfway to goddamn Eau Claireâ just wasnât going to happen, including the Portmanâsâ penchant for keeping the central air far too cold, their use of overpowering citrus-scented candles, their insistence that all facial cumshots must happen at the same time, an irritating techno music playlist, and âcat hair all over the couches, the carpets, the stuff in the basementâeverything.â
Though the Johanssonâs said they felt a certain amount of guilt skipping the sex party, and were sad Liz wouldnât be able to engage in a double-penetration with Jeremy & Chrisâs cocks ramming inside her while TJ filmed himself getting double-blown by Eli and Jamieâs wives, they maintained that they would do their best to attend upcoming events.
______________________________________________________________
[Reblogged with minor edits courtesy of The Onion. :)]