Local Swingers Not Going To Drive Out To Goddamn Oakdale
SHOREWOOD, MN—Citing both having to work early the next morning and several other inconveniences presented by a recent sex party invitation, local swingers TJ and Liz Johansson told reporters Thursday that there is no way they are driving all the way out to goddamn Oakdale.
According to the sexually adventurous couple, traveling to the event that their friends Jen and Craig Portman are hosting in the Minneapolis suburb over an hour’s drive from the Johansson’s home would likely not be worth the hassle, with the pair stating they would probably end up spending more time sitting in the car than they would at the orgy.
“Sorry, not gonna happen—we’re just not driving all the way out there on a weeknight,” said TJ, 31, expressing his frustration that it would be “80 damn miles round-trip” and probably run him $15 or more in gas costs. “It’s way out past Woodbury, and this thing doesn’t even start until 9 p.m!”
“Plus there’s still that construction on [Interstate] 494, so you have to give yourself an extra 20 minutes with the traffic,” TJ continued. “By the time we all climax, shower, say goodbye to everyone, and get out of there, we won’t be home until after midnight. Not a chance.”
An aggravated Johansson added that having to stop by Whole Foods to pick up margarita mix on the way would only add to the drive time.
The couple went on to explain that they felt increasingly put out at having to always be the ones forced to make the trip to the bimonthly sex parties, saying that they couldn’t remember the last time the Portmans had attended a similar gathering at the Johannson’s home.
“If you think about it, most of the people going tonight live way closer to here anyway,” said Liz, 29, expressing her belief that the current arrangement was the result of the Portmans’ unwillingness to travel rather than an honest desire to host a great erotic event. “And if you’re going to force a bunch of people to go out of their way to come to your place, the least you can do is put in a little effort. The last time we were there, pretty much all they had were some generic cheese-and-veggie trays from the grocery store and a handle of cheap vodka. The group 69′ing was fun, and last time I had a great orgasm when I sat on [fellow swinger friend] Cika’s face, but c’mon, can you maybe give us a couple of bottles of halfway decent wine?”
Though the couple said they generally enjoy such gatherings, their decision not to “schlep all the way out” to the eastern suburbs—which is reportedly twice as far away as the orgy they recently attended at a friend’s house in Eagan—was further cemented by news that certain of their closer friends in the Twin Cities’ kink community would not be in attendance.
“If Sandie and Posse [Woodward] aren’t going to be there, then what’s the point?” Liz said. “Those two are great. To be honest, they’re basically the only reason we even go to these things anymore. At least since we moved from upstate New York. Our friends there--PG31 and Verb411--now they knew how to throw a goddamn sex party!”
In addition to the long commute and disappointing guest list, the polyamorous couple presented several other arguments as to why driving “halfway to goddamn Eau Claire” just wasn’t going to happen, including the Portman’s’ penchant for keeping the central air far too cold, their use of overpowering citrus-scented candles, their insistence that all facial cumshots must happen at the same time, an irritating techno music playlist, and “cat hair all over the couches, the carpets, the stuff in the basement—everything.”
Though the Johansson’s said they felt a certain amount of guilt skipping the sex party, and were sad Liz wouldn’t be able to engage in a double-penetration with Jeremy & Chris’s cocks ramming inside her while TJ filmed himself getting double-blown by Eli and Jamie’s wives, they maintained that they would do their best to attend upcoming events.
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[Reblogged with minor edits courtesy of The Onion. :)]