i stopped diying hrt for autoimmune hormone imbalance + genitourinary issues + menopausal induced baldness reasons (not to mention the insane health ocd i developed, lol) and if im being honest ive never made a worse decision i am so angry and disgusted at myself. i could’ve hit 6 months on T this weekend. I tell myself it’s because of my illness and it was in part but I only stopped because I felt ashamed of taking testosterone and ashamed that i had experienced any negative side effects at all. i basically stopped because i couldn’t bare the shameful disappointment of my parents, knowing their daughter is in pain because of my weird “Testosterone Addiction,” I felt like a junkie. I still feel ashamed now, I’ve stopped T and none of my symptoms have gotten better, I’ve just detransitioned into a girl and given into submitting to my parents and the capitalist nuclear family, i gave into my biggest OCD compulsion, i’m basically a slave. i’ll do anything anyone tells me to avoid others being uncomfortable
i could have taken topical estrogen, i could have bought minoxidil, i could have changed my T dose. i didnt need to stop at all, i only did it for my Mum but scapegoated it under my “menopausal autoimmune condition.” the truth is that im a fucking coward and i can never forgive myself for it
i’m so tired of this i don’t want to do this anymore it’s so stressful and hard and expensive and it’s somehow harder to buy topical estrogen than it is to buy exogenous testosterone, minoxidil costs so much and im scared about the blood pressure side effects. i’m tired of being mentally and physically disabled and i’m tired of having it be a core part of my “identity.” i wish i could just be a normal boy
If someone could yell at me to take testosterone id appreciate it
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