The Go Suck on Scrotum Motherfuckers Bitch Party

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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Wastefulness Prevails in American Society

Silly fool. How wasteful!

Breaking: GOP Contractor Arrested For Throwing Voter Registrations In Dumpster

If you are attempting to get rid of voter registration forms for the benefit of your party, you sell them to mailing list brokers. Common sense, the lack of it astounds me.

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Find Favor in the Lord!

Worry not, my fellow citizens. I am well acquainted with Jesus.

In fact, I spoke to Jesus the other day and he told me that we Americans are the primary reason for his whippet addiction.

That's right. It is because of our wicked perfidy and fucked-up antics that he's lowered himself to a whippet addiction. Unfortunately there are few choice intoxicants in the hereafter so he just has to make do.

After taking a good, long hit from a can of Reddi Wip, he said that the only thing that could cure him of this wretched dependency is by voting for me and supporting the Go Suck On Scrotum Motherfuckers Bitch Party.

If you don't, not only will his habit worsen, but he will UNSAVE YOU ALL.

You know what to do. Have a little faith in me. And Jesus too.

P.S: A special message to Mormons - Jesus demands that you now tithe 60% of your yearly income. Nothing is free in Heaven and he needs his inhalants. Just the Mormons, mind you. All checks should be made out to the Go Suck On Scrotum Motherfuckers Bitch Party and sent to our headquarters. I'll handle it from there.

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Fun Fact!

Mitt Romney is full of himself.

It's a fact: 99.9% of American women want to be in my binder - and that .1% isn't his wife.

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Urethral Deficiency

Some of you may wonder why I did not make an appearance in tonight's presidential debate.

Apparently if you lack for a penis, you can't take part in the pissing contest.

When I inquired after a catheter or some other device that could artificially lengthen my urethra for the duration, I was told that this was against protocol.

I then argued that this was clearly discriminatory, to which the powers that be replied that I should remove that big ol' stick from my ass. 

So. I have a large stick up my ass and too short a urethra.

American politics, ladies and gentlemen.

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Put Down Your Weapons, Folks

As president, I will protect your second amendment rights with the best assault weapon money and influence can buy.

However, I fully intend to ban butter knives. I find them annoying, wimpy and utterly un-American. In short, they piss me off.

Ownership of this contraband will be considered a felony offense punishable by a lifetime stay in solitary at one of our luxe supermax prisons.

Disappointed? Use a damn bayonet to slather that vegetable oil spread to your Wonder bread. Like a boss. Because that's what we do here. In America.

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The Chains of Wedlock

Some say marriage is the union between one man and one woman.

Others say that the right to marry should be extended to same-sex couples.

I have found a different solution that will benefit everybody concerned.

As president, I vow to abolish marriage completely. It is an outmoded and restrictive institution that only brings despair upon those who enter into it.

Divorce rates will plummet!

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A Question of Citizenship

I understand that there are those amongst us who doubt the citizenship of my opponent.

As presidential candidate for the Go Suck On Scrotum Motherfuckers Bitch Party, I anticipate that I myself may be subject to these concerns. Allow me to put your fears to rest. My birth certificate was issued in the great state of Kentucky which, unlike Hawaii, is actually a part of the continental United States. This makes it totally legit.

Hell, Abraham Lincoln was born in Kentucky and we're not all questioning his citizenship, right?

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Pursuing is just such a pain in the ass, isn't it?

Guaranteed to us in the constitution is the right to pursue happiness.

Should you elect me as president, I will change this to the right to happiness.

Indeed. Upon my inauguration, happiness shall forthwith be dispensed to all American citizens via United States Treasury checks drawn from the proceeds from the sale of some of our, shall we say, more irritating states.

Residents of these states will not be eligible for these government-issued happiness checks, but should instead welcome their new Turkmenistani overlords.

Mind you, I tried to find an alternative. However, the North Pole is rapidly depreciating in value and we apparently do not own it. Bummer.

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Welcome

Welcome to the official blog of The Go Suck on Scrotum Motherfuckers Bitch Party and its exalted presidential candidate and founding member.

Ladies and gentlemen, do you hate Romney? Is Obama just not cutting it for you? Are you fed up with politics in general? Don't know who the hell the third party candidates are and don't care? Throw in the towel and vote for me. I promise, I'm somewhat competent.

In subsequent posts, I will condescend to go into some detail about my stances on the issues and proposals. This will demonstrate why I am clearly ideal.

After all, my mother would vote for me - if she were registered.