GTTips

GT Therapy Group posts weekly posts, our musings, on life & love, adolescence & adulthood and parenting & partnering. Learn more at www.GTTherapyGroup.com

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Meet Julia Ward

Hello community!

My name is Julia Ward and I’m thrilled to join GT Therapy as an Associate Therapist.

I’ve spent my career as an artist, entrepreneur, and educator. Arts education has been a through line in my professional life, and connecting with children and teens has been my greatest delight. Youth is a time of constant change and discovery. Having supportive adults in your life is key to navigating the inevitable confusion and challenges therein; we get to be examples, guides, ears, and students of the children in our lives. What a privilege!

As an educator, I was honored to support hundreds of young people both in and out of the classroom. I was lucky enough to teach a wide range of classes: from gardening to songwriting to personal essays, and many more in between. This gave me the opportunity to not only share knowledge, but to get to know my students on a personal level. While sharing playlists or planting tomatoes, we would talk about all kinds of things and I got to be privy to the inner lives of my students. It was these interactions that influenced my decision to go back to school and become a therapist. 

My educational philosophy and my therapeutic approach are similar: I aim to empower people to build on their strengths and interests, to develop skills incrementally, and to follow their curiosity. If we can make noise or get a little messy in the process all the better!

In my spare time, I spend a lot of time with my son and our family. We love to rock climb, build legos, walk our 3 big dogs, listen to music, and travel. I also play music with a few bands, practice yoga daily, garden like crazy, read, and volunteer with local food-aid groups. It’s a full and busy life and I’m grateful to my family and community for the support that makes it all possible. 

None of us exist in a bubble and we, as humans, need one another. Learning how to be in community with others is lifelong work and I am honored to be a part of that journey for children and families as a therapist. 

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Staying Connected When Social Distancing: A Telehealth Primer

 In light of recent school closures, and in an abundance of care for our community, we've made the decision to temporarily close our physical offices and move all of our sessions to telehealth (online video chat or phone call) until further notice. But practicing social distancing doesn’t mean we have to sacrifice connection. Here we will outline the options available to our clients and help you feel comfortable and confident navigating this technology. We are so grateful to have these options to continue to serve our community while also following best practices for keeping each other safe.

Our Options for Telehealth are HIPAA-compliant and Include:

Spruce Health App (Smartphone or Web Browser)

This is our phone service and the app is easy to navigate once you’ve created an account. Your therapist will invite you via text message to create an account by entering your name, number, DOB and sex. You can download the app in the App Store or in Google Play. You can also read this helpful how-to article if you need support adjusting your settings. Your therapist will video call you in the app at the appointment time.

Google Hangouts Meet (in App Store as Meet) (Smartphone or Web Browser-not Internet Explorer)

Your therapist will send you a link to join a video meeting by text or email at the time of your appointment. You do not need a google or gmail account if you login on your computer web browser (it is not compatible with Internet Explorer). To use the app on your phone, you’ll need a google or gmail account. This article walks you through any troubleshooting needs.

Doxy.me (Smartphone or Web Browser)

Your therapist will email or text you a direct link to their virtual waiting room. No sign-up is required.

Regroup Connect (Groups Only, Browser Only)

For therapy groups, your therapist will send all participants a pin to join the group session and you login using that pin number. At this time, our next groups are set to begin after spring break. We are reassessing daily and will follow up with registered group members in the next week as we determine if we are temporarily moving groups online.

*All options are free for clients

Considerations to Create a Comfortable and Confidential Telehealth Session

Make sure you will have internet access at the time of the appointment (if you do not have reliable internet, let’s meet by phone!)

Get onto your phone, laptop, or tablet a few minutes prior to the session so you have time to log in and make sure audio/visual is working

Be mindful of the location you are at for the session so that you have an optimal space that suits your needs for comfort and privacy (planning ahead with people who might be in close proximity during the time of the session may help as well as thinking about places for you to be with your device).

Whenever possible, practice some self-care by preparing a cup of tea, having some tissues handy, snuggling under your favorite blanket, having a journal handy, or whatever other small comforts will enhance your experience. Treat this time (and your self) as special and, if possible, allow yourself space to be free from distractions.

If we run into technical difficulties, our backup plan will always be a phone call. The most important thing is for us to connect; the medium is a distant second.

Setting Up a Telehealth Session

Current clients who have existing appointments will automatically have those appointments converted to telehealth sessions. Your therapist will be in touch directly to discuss which mode of telehealth is best for your needs. You can also schedule new appointments directly with your therapist.

New clients can schedule an initial telehealth appointment by contacting us here. We are unrolling online booking for initial appointments in April. For now, this form will let us find the best fit for you.

*We are only able to offer telehealth in Texas at this time

But is Telehealth Worth It?

We have been fans of telehealth for a long time. It’s great for working folx who can’t get away from the office. For at-home parents who can’t get childcare. For students on break, or who want to minimize missed class time. For anyone with impaired mobility. The list goes on! But this is different, isn’t it. We weren’t expecting this sudden and complete reliance on technology for therapy. We are reeling from this rapid development too. So we adapt as best we can. We take what we know to be true and apply it in new ways: that therapuetic connection and staying in relationship is critical for our people. That we believe in our ability to navigate these new waters together, and that we are better when we stay connected. We believe that as much as we value the deep in-person connections we make with you, that our relationships transcend proximity.

We will update this blog as new options or helpful articles become available to support this temporary telehealth experience. We are working hard to support continuity for our clients and we are also walking through this experience in real time with you. Whatever your feelings are, they are valid, and you have support a phone call or app away. If you have barriers to using telehealth, talk with us about them so we can problem solve together. We are with you even when we are physically separated. From our team to your family, we send you peace, love and hope.

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The Bottom Line

Many of the parents who come to see me come hoping for a solution for behaviors their kids engage in. They tell stories of rule-breaking, lying, and disrespect.  Or they worry about drug use, self-harm, and depression. In either case, they consciously or unconsciously talk about not knowing what is going on with their child.  For me, that is the ultimate goal of family therapy: that parents would understand their children’s external and internal worlds. Having that understanding makes it radically easier for parents to design and enforce rules, keep their children safe, and grow and maintain closeness in the parent-child relationship.

There are a million ways that a parent’s understanding of their child can be obstructed, but many of them look similar to the two prototypical scenarios I will discuss here:

Sometimes there is a single event or issue that becomes a significant feature in a child’s life that they are uncomfortable or unable to share with a parent. Some common reasons a child might find something difficult to share with a parent are: the child finds the situation embarrassing, the child doesn’t understand what they are going through or doesn’t have words for the experience, the child is worried they will get in trouble if they talk about it, the child knows that their parent will feel hurt if they find out, and that the topic is difficult for the parent and they are unable to connect with the child when it comes up. No matter the reason, the main thing to do is to help the child process the event or issue so that it is either no longer a prominent part of their world or gets to a place where it is something that can be shared with their parent(s). This can happen through time and the child’s own internal processing, through talking with another trusted adult, through talking with peers, or through meeting with a counselor.  Once that processing happens, connection and understanding can be reestablished.

Other times, the ways that parents ask about their child’s world and respond to their children make letting them feel unsafe or unhelpful to their children.  This is not an indictment of the parents. Inviting a child to share their world with you and responding in ways that encourage them to keep sharing is a difficult task. It is not something that comes naturally to most people.  That is why I encourage every parent I work with to read “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” (there are also versions targeted specifically for younger kids and teens). The guidelines presented in this book are the most accessible tools I have seen for helping parents develop the skills and habits to keep communication and connection open with their kids over the long term. This book will not answer everything so I recommend parent coaching and/or family counseling for more severe or urgent needs. However, this book will help parents lay the foundation for a resilient and long-lasting connection with their children.

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Focus on Feelings

In my work with parents, the most common question I am asked is, “What should we do?” It is normal for parents to want practical, solution-focused ways to help their children and reinforce the work they are doing in therapy at home. While my response is often more abstract than parents might like, I always encourage them to search for the feelings behind their children’s words and behaviors. 

It might sound overly simple, but acknowledging the feelings that are driving your child’s behavior and communicating that you understand those feelings will truly speak volumes. No matter your child’s age or developmental stage, this display of empathy will show that you are attuned to them and that you value their perspective. It leads them to feel seen, heard, and appreciated.  

Shannon gave a beautiful overview of attachment and the vital role it plays in young people’s development in her last blog post (I highly recommend checking it out here if you have not already). Children who are securely attached to their caregivers feel safe and confident as they move through the world. Attachment theorists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth asserted that securely attached children have the assurance of a safe haven during difficult times and a secure base to refer back to as they grow and explore. In order for children to develop secure attachments, they have to feel like their caregivers see and support their internal world. 

So, what does this look like in practice? 

Be mindful as you actively listen to what your child is saying. Instead of planning out your response in your head, try to remain present and pick up on the emotions in what your child is describing. A favorite professor of mine at Vanderbilt always said that every feeling can be boiled down to one of six core emotions: mad, sad, glad, scared, embarrassed, and ashamed. Ask yourself which of these feelings your child is experiencing, and then reflect it back to them.

For instance, let’s say you ask your child about their day at school, and they tell you they had a disagreement with a friend. Your response could be something like, “It sounds like you are feeling sad about it. I know how much their friendship means to you. Do you want to talk about it?” Your first instinct might be to ask them what happened, which is natural. However, starting the conversation by communicating your interest in their feelings about the situation will demonstrate your care and concern for them.  

One of the most important things to remember as you practice reflecting your child’s emotions is to pay attention to the reactions you feel in your body throughout the conversation. If your child is angry about something, you might start to notice your muscles tensing up and your heart rate increasing. You are feeling angry as well, and you may be more inclined to respond accordingly. Before you respond, take a breath and notice what is going on in your body. This will give you the chance to self-regulate, meet your child in their anger, and then help them feel more regulated as well. 

If you are an avid podcast listener like me, check out the following episode for more on this approach to parenting: Joyful Courage Parenting Podcast with Casey O’Roarty: Episode 215: “The Power of Showing Up with Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Bryson”

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Empowering Your Child's Voice

Working with parents of children and adolescents, I often hear concerns that as their child grows up they won’t know how to handle bullies, toxic relationships or even ask their teacher for help. Essentially, fears that the child or teen won’t recognize the power of their own voice and will not stand up for themselves when needed. However, self-advocacy is a skill that can be reinforced and sharpened within the family system, that can help translate to the outside world.

Pull Back the Curtain

As with any behavior we hope to instill in our children, modeling is key. Speak up for your values and assert your boundaries around your children, they notice more than you would ever believe! When you discuss consent and boundaries with your children, include a caveat that respecting adults and authority figures has limits. Limits such as when your child feels uncomfortable and unsafe, they need to know that “no means no” regardless of the power differential. 

If an opportunity arises where you as a parent need to get involved within a larger system such as the school where you can advocate for your child, clue them into this. Provide age-appropriate insight, and breakdown your reasoning for becoming involved (ie: parent-teacher conference, school accommodations, health, and mental health related support). Show them that you are willing and able to step up to bat for them and that even one voice can make a helpful impact within a system. 

Encourage Advocacy at Home

The home is a great training ground for all sorts of social-emotional skills, including self- advocacy. A simple step is to encourage regular discussion at home, regarding the flow and function of the household. You can still maintain authority as a parent and integrate your child’s perspective when safe and appropriate. Some areas where your child can practice speaking up are home routines and rituals (i.e.: chores, weekend plans, etc.), boundaries and privacy, and even how communication is handled. Setting up “family meetings” is a simple ritual that supports these types of discussions and helps everyone speak up. 

Additionally, create space for your child, where they can reliably consult on any day-to-day challenges in their life. Really make a point to hear your child when they communicate with you. A trick is to reflect back what you hear them saying, and practice listening more than you speak. 

Create a Narrative That Empowers

If you are working hard to empower your child’s voice, then don’t ever label your child as bossy, stubborn, or nagging. Rather focus on helping your child identify their needs and reflect back their strong impact. If your child is approaching the situation with force, then imagine what that force will accomplish well into adulthood. Don’t tame the fire, but teach your child to harness it. Take it a step further and utilize positive affirmations! From a young age you can teach your child to repeat affirmations such as: “I am brave”, “My voice matters”, “I believe in myself”. This will help build a powerful internal dialogue that will serve them in life.

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Dog Days and Nights

Have you ever woken up on the edge of your bed, with no blankets and a breeze from the surrounding sleepy air hitting your body? Dogs may take up extra space squeezing you to a sliver of the bed, yet you feel rested, safe, secure, and comforted. Canisius College published research suggesting that, particularly for women, co-sleeping with dogs is deemed advantageous. Researchers have therefore presented a gift to dog lovers and bed hogging canines everywhere, there are vast compelling benefits to sleeping with pups in your bedroom. 

In fact, supporting data and literature indicates that the canine is able to connect on a deeper level with humans often facilitating a symbiotic union. Author Mark Derr recently published a book outlining the relational evolution between dogs and humans. There has been a growth trajectory between humans and canines that is undeniably linked, and has only become more intimate and beneficial over time. 

Doggone Good Reasons to keep your Canine Close: 

Emotional Wellbeing

Unconditional love 

Acceptance  

Curb feelings of loneliness 

Physiological & Mental Health

Decrease in cortisol (stress) 

More physically active 

Better sleep 

Decrease in symptoms of depression 

Decrease in symptoms of anxiety 

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Attachment 101

We’ve all heard it, but what does it mean? “Attachment” is an inborn system in the brain that evolves in ways that influence and organize motivational, emotional, and memory processes based on relationships with significant caregiving figures (say that ten times fast). The attachment system motivates an infant to seek proximity to parents and other primary caregivers in order to establish communication with them. In particular, the aid caregivers can give in reducing uncomfortable emotions, such as fear, anxiety, or sadness, enables children to be soothed and gives them a haven of safety when they are upset. These repeated experiences become encoded as expectations, and then as mental models, which serve to help a child feel an internal sense of “security” in the world. Studies of attachment have revealed that the patterns in attachment relationships during infancy are associated with emotional regulation and social relatedness, as well as the development of self-reflection and narrative. 

The Facts:

The earliest attachments are usually formed by the age of seven months, with the first year of life being a critical period of development.

Nearly all infants become attached.

Attachments are formed only to a few persons:

These “selective attachments” come from social interactions with attachment figures.

Selective attachments lead to specific organizational changes in an infant’s behavior and brain function.

Changing conditions will change a child’s, adolescent’s, or adult’s attachment as development unfolds across the lifespan:

Patterns established early in life have a major impact on functioning, but the individual’s experiences continue to influence the patterns of attachment. This means new relationship experiences have the potential to move individuals toward a more secure form of attachment at any stage of life. 

There are four major attachment styles/patterns: 

Secure – Parents who are emotionally available, perceptive, and responsive to infants’ needs and mental states have infants who are most often “securely” attached. 

Avoidant – Parents who are emotionally unavailable, imperceptive, rejecting, and unresponsive are associated with “avoidant” attachments.

Resistant/Ambivalent – Parents who are inconsistently available, perceptive, and responsive, and who tend to intrude their own states of mind onto those of their children, tend to have children with “resistant” or “ambivalent” attachments. 

Disorganized/Disoriented – Parents who show frightened, frightening, or disoriented communication during the first year of life tend to have children with “disorganized” or “disoriented” attachments. 

These patterns of relating between parent and child have significant influences later in life. So what does this mean for parents? According to Dr. Dan Siegel, we can foster secure attachment if we remember the following 4 "S"s. Our children need to be:

Seen - Deep and empathic perception; sensing the mind behind their behavior. 

Safe - Avoiding actions and responses that frighten or hurt them.

Soothed - Helping them deal with difficult emotions and situations.

Secure - Helping them develop an internalized sense of well-being.

Still interested? Check out these great reads from award-winning educator and child psychiatrist, and my personal guru, Dr. Dan Siegel:

The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired 

Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive: 10th Anniversary Edition

The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

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GT Therapy Group News

Welcoming Danielle as our Team Lead Therapist!

Workplace culture is everything. It’s essential to our thriving group and it plays an understated but vitally important role in our work as therapists. When therapists feel supported, they are free to focus on what matters most: their clients. As Team Lead, Danielle is instrumental in creating a culture of connection, assisting in on-boarding new therapists, participating in our group’s overall growth & development, and bringing her enthusiasm, joy, and commitment to our work, our team and our clients. In small but significant ways, as well as through larger targeted projects, Danielle contributes daily to our therapists’ sense of belonging somewhere special.

Since joining us at GT Therapy Group almost two years ago, Danielle has supported so many individual & family clients on their journeys, led life-changing groups with our middle school clients, and upheld our values while exceeding our expectations both in honoring workplace culture and in dedication to her clinical vision. Danielle is vital to our team. She has a natural ability to connect with others (as her clients can attest!) Her warmth, care, and enthusiasm for the team as a whole, and the individuals within it, as well as her passion for the work we do, make our home away from home an uplifting and easy place to be. We’re full of gratitude for all that Danielle has already contributed to our team, and look forward to continuing on our path of Growth & Transformation with Danielle by our side.

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Revelations, not Resolutions

Ending a year and beginning a new one can bring up a multitude of feelings and reflections, and come January 1st, we are bombarded with the idea that we have to have some kind of “resolution”. Don’t get me wrong, I get that resolutions are meant to motivate us to do better and be better versions of ourselves. What I find to be unhelpful, however, is the fact that we are encouraged to think that with a new year comes a “new me”. Somewhere in the last year, something about ourselves was wrong and now must be changed, fixed, denied, hidden, corrected and/or punished. 

When I am with my clients, I often encourage them to really get curious and define what it is they are wanting or doing, as this helps to create a more clear picture of the direction they are hoping to go in. With this in mind, I explored what the word resolution actually means. 

Resolution:  “A firm decision to do or not do something”, “The quality of being determined or resolute”, and “the disappearance of a symptom or condition”. This definition indicates that there was something wrong that must be corrected, and implies that a great deal of determination is required. This definition is very black and white, and really does not allow for flexibility, gentle failure and then growth, plus it is rooted in the feeling of shame as it’s core motivation. 

Instead of resolutions, I’d like to encourage everyone to have New Year’s Revelations: 

Revelation: “a surprising and previously unknown fact”; “the making known of something that was previously unknown”; “used to emphasize the remarkable quality of someone or something”; “the divine or supernatural disclosure to humans of something relating to the human experience”. 

When we are encouraged to make a revelation about ourselves, it is from a place of curiosity versus self-critiquing and comparison. It invites us to explore ourselves with gentleness and acceptance, and thus allows us to recognize the potentially more challenging aspects of ourselves with kindness. When we can treat ourselves and our struggles with kindness, we put ourselves in the driver’s seat of our own happiness and personal fulfillment. 

As you move through 2020, try asking yourself the following questions as you develop your own personal revelations: 

1. Does this bring me joy? 

2. How is this serving me? 

3. Does this help me to feel invigorated or depleted? 

4. What challenges are helping me grow? 

These are just a few suggestions as you begin to explore yourself and self-kindness. As you embark on this beautiful new year, I hope that each of you finds that you are whole and wonderful as you are, and with every level of growth you take on. 

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Work, Life, and Living With Intent

Tired, overworked, stressed, body aches, too much caffeine. Sound familiar? It can be all too easy for us to fall into the humdrum of daily routines and demands, living without intent, ultimately losing sight of our wellness until we fizzle out (burnout, it’s a thing). However, as a new year begins and we feel the need to evaluate and reevaluate ourselves – “what’s your New Year’s resolution?” ugh, please – I invite you to use the INTENT acronym and Balance Wheel exercise above, developed by Mallika Chopra, to dig deeper and intentionally bring focus to the areas of your life that need attention and fulfillment. Thinking about whether you’re struggling, surviving, or thriving in each area, ask yourself what’s missing, as well as what you want and need, and set the intents to make those changes this upcoming year. I challenge you to get real with yourself but, also, to treat yo’ self.

Incubate: Quiet your mind to tap into your deepest intentions; see where this leads.

Notice: Become mindful of your thoughts and actions and pay attention to what they tell you about what gives you meaning and a sense of purpose — and look for signs that can point you toward your true path.

Trust: Have confidence in your inner knowing — and in the messages the universe sends you — and allow that knowledge to guide you forward.

Express: Write down your intentions; say them out loud or share them with others to fully embrace them and help you move ahead in your journey.

Nurture: Be gentle with yourself as you try to find your way. Intention isn’t always a straightforward path, just like life, and giving yourself opportunities to try — and fail — is often part of, and even crucial to the process.

Take Action: Once you’ve identified an intent or even multiple ones, don’t sit and wait for it to magically manifest; instead take the practical steps that can make each become a reality. It may be easiest to choose one intent first and set short-term goals to help you get started.

All too often, our work/life balance gets thrown off-kilter, or maybe it was never balanced to begin with. However, being intentional with our lives isn’t something we deserve to focus on just once a year, it’s a practice that should be encouraged throughout the lifespan; even science says so. Studies have shown that a solid work/life balance actually improves productivity at work. Still not convinced? Europe takes work/life balance so seriously that many of its labor laws and norms limit the amount of time that work infringes upon leisure time (I know, right?!). So, what’s your New Year’s intent? New Year, new you.

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Recognizing the Vicious Cycle of Negative Interaction

There are no blank slates in relationships. Every interaction has history and the history associated with an interaction affects even our perception of the interaction.  For example, if your relationship experiences a rough spot (which may happen for all sorts of reasons, often because of things that have nothing to do with the relationship itself), you are then more likely to experience an action the other person perceives as negative. The recent negative history can make every interaction feel more negative. This then leads to a vicious cycle as negative interactions lead to more negative interactions which lead to more negative reactions and so on.

I see this dynamic most often in couples and in the relationships between parents and teens, although it regularly happens with younger kids as well.  Families will come to me and parents will say that it seems like their teen only has one way of responding: sarcastically defensive. Their teens will say that the parents only nag and tell them what they are doing wrong. Usually, there has been so much conflict around so many different things that it really feels that way to both the parents and the teen.

The good news is that you can break the cycle. It takes intentionally changing your responses and interactions. Sometimes it takes doing that for a long time without seeing much of a difference. Change is hard and it will take time for your partner or child to be able to experience your new approach as something positive.

If you are interested in learning more about this kind of pattern, consider researching topics such as the “EFT Negative Cycle” or “Gottman Negative Sentiment Override” and read some of the explanations on different sites. You are always welcome to schedule a counseling session and ask about ways to identify and change patterns in your relationships.

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Creating Shared Meaning During the Holidays

When you look back on past holidays growing up, what pieces or memories do you hold onto in your mind? As we start to foster our own relationships and families, we start to evaluate what we want to keep and what can we edit. This can feel tricky, partly because it’s easier to avoid vulnerable conversations and partly because there is so much focus on differences within couples. However, John Gottman a pioneer in couples work, discusses the importance of creating shared meaning as a couple, regardless of your perceived differences. 

Gottman identifies the tenets of creating shared meaning, composed of: symbols, rituals, roles and goals. Rituals are traditions you keep alive, that foster connection in the relationship. For example, decorating the house together after Thanksgiving, or cooking and eating set foods for holiday meals. Playing that one game, that makes everyone look dorky and aads to the family cry-laughing. Perhaps even honoring family members that are no longer physically present, in a certain way each year. 

Shared goals are often put on the backburner, until there is a real effort in defining or re- defining them as a couple sees fit. A helpful starting point in these conversations may be discussing what you both hope to get out of the holidays, and then name specific steps to make this happen. For some, this may look like prioritizing quality time as a couple, while for others that may mean facilitating time spent with extended families and friends. While one couple may want to save and put forth money towards an end goal beyond holiday gifts, another may want to go all out and prioritize a larger sum towards holiday gift-giving. Having a goal-oriented conversation, as nerve-wracking as it can be, will help you both gain clarity and help you feel like a team. 

Symbols are heavily woven into the holiday season. Distinct colors, religious emblems, characters, stories passed down, all have become so ingrained that we forget we have the option to be intentional with these as well. You can begin to ask one other, “what does ___ mean to you?” or “to our family?”. Even getting more specific and asking for example, about what “giving” or “home” really means to each partner? This is where you may intend to keep past traditions fully alive, or decide to make updates that hold more weight to you both as a couple. 

Roles within a couple are often left unspoken. You each fall into habit and assume that’s how things need to stay because it’s familiar. However, I’m here to tell you that you are much better off having a direct conversation about your roles within the relationship, and especially what that looks like during the holidays. Talk about it, don’t assume everyone is fully on-board with how things currently are. Maybe one partner wants more support in the department of cooking, or budgeting, or in managing boundaries with extended family members. Roles within a couple are not cookie-cutter, and this includes the shape they take during the holidays. 

Starting these open discussions can feel intimidating! Whether you’ve been together for a while and rarely (or never) talk like this, or you’re a new couple that is learning to navigate communication. It can feel scary, fun, exciting and be an amazing opportunity to strengthen your relationship!

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‘Tis The Season For All The Feels

Holidays tend to create a wide range of strong emotions layered with expectations, wishes, and desires. There is this build up to holidays with candle lighting, decorating, music playing, meal sharing, and gift giving. 

According to a 2017 report, 90% of Americans indicate that they celebrate Christmas. There is evidence to support the shift or expansion of Christmas being more of a cultural holiday than religious for many generations and individuals. 

Christmas may be celebrated for religious purposes, cultural purposes, or both; or perhaps you don’t celebrate at all. For any individual caught up in the hustle and bustle of Holiday cheer and gift purchasing and giving there is undoubtedly a sense of loss when the gifts are all unwrapped and the trees are moved to the curb outside. We spend months preparing for this magical day that flies by. The intense build-up the fleeting reality of the day come and go just as any other day. For some within the joyousness, or outside of the joy you may feel a sense of loss, grief, and loneliness during this time of the year. You’re not alone. Holidays and pressures from societal expectations provide a visual of what this season should look like, and should feel like. It’s okay to miss someone who is no longer in your life, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel sad on a Holiday. It’s also okay to have a potpourri of feelings. 

During this time of togetherness and festivity your system is hit with a surplus of emotion including the release of dopamine and endorphins in the brain known to occur during the exchange of gift giving and receiving. Dopamine and endorphins make us feel good so after a huge dopamine and endorphin rush like Christmas, it may be expected to feel what one may refer to as a happiness hangover. To make the emotions from Christmas more complex and entangled, the tradition of spending time with loved ones results in boosted oxytocin levels in the brain, oxytocin is known as the cuddle hormone. To add some counterbalance, if you don’t find comfort from being around family or loved ones, or perhaps it’s a mixed experience then you may have a sprinkling of cortisol running around inside of you making you feel stressed along with these positives. 

How can you combat the post-Christmas slump and avoid anticipation that will likely pull you away from the good stuff this season?

Allow yourself to set healthy boundaries, whatever that needs to look like for YOU. 

Examples: don’t send a christmas card this year, do a secret santa to save money, agree to one holiday party instead of 3, bake two dozen cookies instead of four dozen. 

Remember to maintain self-care. 

Examples: keep menu planning, continue your exercise regime, take that bubbly bath with a glass of wine and Annie Lenox playing in the background, go on a walk with your dog. 

Live in the moment, as much as you are able to. 

Examples: take photos, journal, put your phone away, play a game in addition to watching Elf. 

Plan for fun small moments after the Holiday season has passed so you can have something to look forward to. 

Examples: plan a staycation, schedule a friend game night, set some achievable goals and action steps to attain those goals. 

Schedule a session with your therapist, process through all the ups, downs, and in-between. 

Look at pictures of Baby Yoda

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Let's Talk About Kids' Safety and Bodily Autonomy During the Holidays

The holidays are full of joy, surprise, and sometimes pain. This is a similarly challenging blog post, especially for folks who have been survivors of sexual assault, abuse, and violence or who have a loved one who has experienced trauma. Please tread mindfully of the following content. 

Let’s talk about teaching our children bodily autonomy, age-appropriate sexual education, boundaries, and how to be an “askable” parent who kids can come to when they are worried or scared or confused. The holiday season is a time when we gather as extended families, and our families bring their new partners and loved ones into our worlds*. During the holidays, kids are expected to keep secrets, give or receive sometimes unwanted physical touch and are encouraged overtly and covertly to not ruin the holiday spirit around them. With the increased number of folks who gain private and intimate access to our kids during the holidays, here are some ways we can keep them safe and teach them lessons about body autonomy and safety year-round. 

Teach kids that a surprise is something that is hidden temporarily and people are excited to learn about, e.g. presents, a new puppy, a vacation, or a party. During forensic interviews, I often asked children if an adult had ever asked them to keep a secret, I was shocked to hear the clear distinction children made in what they understood to be a dangerous secret vs a surprise. Nearly all the children to whom I posed the question responded with an answer. The kids who were offering secrets like, “my mom told me not to say where she keeps her candy” or “my grandpa asked me to keep it a secret that he got grandma a new bathrobe” had no hesitation in sharing those secrets. Children who shared secrets about sexual abuse or physical abuse in the home would pause, become somber, and ask to know the consequences for telling a secret. Most people who sexually abuse children request that the survivor keep a secret and sometimes will threaten harm to the child or child’s loved ones if the child were to tell the secret. 

Teach kids that if anyone asks them to keep a secret they should tell a grown up right away. This helps keep other kids safe, many children disclose sexual abuse to a peer before they disclose to an adult. You can help distinguish unsafe secrets from surprises by giving your child language about secret vs. surprise. 

Teach children that they do not have to hug, kiss, or physically greet anyone. A warm hello and a wave hi are more than sufficient. And wow! It is super special when a child does choose to hug a family member. 

Find out who is in the home (any guests visiting?) before allowing your child to spend the night at a friend’s house.

Teach children that if other (especially older) kids ask to see areas covered by bathing suits or to touch those areas, it is not okay and not either child’s fault. It just means grown ups need to know and figure out a way to help keep everyone safe.  A 2012 study from the Crimes Against Children Research Center found that as many as 40% of child sexual abuse instances were perpetrated by children who were older and/or more powerful (social-emotionally and/or physically) than survivor children. 

Children express boundaries all the time with people in their lives--it is our privilege as adults in kids’ lives to help enforce and support those boundaries. Teaching kids to have strong emotional and physical boundaries--even with adults they know--is a helpful tool to prevent abuse. It also is a great way to practice respectful communication. Children with healthy physical and emotional boundaries are less likely to be targeted by perpetrators. 

It is hard to be a parent. Sexual assault of a child is never the child’s nor the family’s fault. And there are ways to reduce the risk and to mend the emotions and safety of kids and families who have survived an assault. Some of that healing happens in therapy, some of it happens with time, and a lot of it happens because an adult believed a child at the child’s first disclosure. So this holiday season, and every season, thank you for listening to your child’s boundaries. 

Below are some resources for families about body safety, starting those conversations to keep kids safe, facts and figures, and a great couple of books on healing. 

https://depts.washington.edu/hcsats/PDF/factsheets/CSA_flipbook_final_WEB.pdf

https://www.seattlechildrens.org/globalassets/documents/for-patients-and-families/pfe/pe1703.pdf

https://www.d2l.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/all_statistics_20150619.pdf

https://www.rainn.org/safety-parents

*This is not to incite fear of new people around the holidays. The National Institute of Health, RAINN, and Darkness to Light all indicate that childhood sexual abuse is most commonly perpetrated by people the child knows: immediate or extended family members, parents, and close community members (like members from church, after school programs, or other extracurriculars). 

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Self-care or Self-soothing?

As I was leaving a yoga class the other day, I overheard a conversation between the instructor and another patron that struck me. They were discussing yoga as a form of self-care (which I wholeheartedly agree with), but something the instructor said stopped me in my tracks. She remarked, “There is a big difference between self-care and self-soothing.” Self-care is something I talk about with every single one of my clients regardless of their age. It is so much more than just putting on face masks and taking bubble baths. It is checking in with how you are doing physically, emotionally, and spiritually and creating a routine that nourishes each of these parts of yourself.

I started to reflect on the notion of self-care vs. self-soothing on my drive home from yoga that day. I kept asking myself, “How much of my self-care is restorative, and how much of it is just my attempt to dissociate and numb my emotions?” For instance, I know that going to yoga, exercising, meditating, cleaning, scheduling my week, going to therapy (yes, therapists need therapists too), and getting enough sleep are all vital parts of my self-care. These practices help me feel grounded, centered, and as though I am functioning at my best. However, I can acknowledge that there are certain things I turn to when I am feeling hurt, sad, confused, or angry and unwilling to acknowledge these feelings. Hello mindless scrolling!

We all have our own ways of self-soothing to numb out. While the holidays can inspire feelings of joy for many, they can also be an extremely difficult time. If you are grieving a loss, navigating difficult family dynamics, or just feeling lonely during this holiday season, it can be easy to reach for ways to numb. We do this because it feels easier and safer to brush our emotions off to the side. It requires a great deal of courage to pay attention to our feelings and process them.

Take stock of the ways you are caring for yourself that truly nourish your mind, body, and soul, and notice the behaviors you go to when you are craving a distraction. As you examine your self-soothing actions in particular, make room for self-compassion. These are things we all do, and no one is perfect. Simply bring your awareness to them and return to the self-care practices that you know work best for you. We are all spread thin trying to be everything for everyone this time of year. It is more than okay to invest in yourself, give yourself grace, and acknowledge your emotions.

[gttherapygroup]

Meet Claire A!

Hi, hello, here we go! My name is Claire (A) and I’m super fresh to GT. I’m excited to be joining a thriving office and community of therapists and clients. I have mostly come from hospital based social work practice and specialized in public child welfare and child abuse and neglect. However, I am ready to see and support changes in a different way and am excited to bring humor and energy into sessions with you!

I recently moved to Austin from Seattle and cannot get enough of the weather. The hotter the better--and sunny. I became a social worker because I am always looking for ways to improve an individual’s experience in a larger system--be it the family system, school system, or the community. I really started my social work career in third grade by developing a reading group for kids to read with older adults who lived at the retirement/nursing home across from my elementary school. I love to see things change for people and even when it’s changes that folks don’t expect; and I want to be there to support and engage in those new things. I’m not sure any of those 8 year olds expected to have 80 somethings as new best friends--but that was a change for the better. 

Other than reading (which I love) I am passionate about helping families navigate the many systems and issues that surround a chronic illness. Too often parents are sandwiched between caring for children and their own parents and cannot manage their own chronic health concerns. I want to support the family system to help make illness something to grow and change through--even if that means bad days. I lost one of my best friends to osteosarcoma my senior year of high school; and learning about the ripple effects of death changed how I see grief. Everyone feels grief, and sometimes it never goes away, often we just grow and change around it to learn to more comfortably live with it.

Finally, as my prior jobs might suggest, I have done mostly crisis intervention work. Parf of that means I am passionate about youth who are suicidal/have suicidal ideation/self harming behaviors. I feel that, for the majority of youth, we can work with a plan and as a team including parents/loving adults to keep the youth at home safely. I work hard to be available for crisis planning and support to families and the youth before and after sessions related to suicidal ideation and self harm. 

In short (which I am), I have always loved being a social worker in any capacity and am excited to build thriving and challenging relationships with clients--both youth and adults--to help support personal systems and improve quality of life--no matter what that looks like. On a personal note the things that improve my quality of life are: access to water for activities, digging in the dirt (both my parents are archaeologists), my dog Parker, and cooking everything to eat everything. Truly everything. I love to eat. With that being said, I look forward to meeting you and your loved ones, maybe we can talk about food, your bad days, and your good ones and if all that changes, that’s okay, too. 

[gttherapygroup]

The Month of Gratitude, Pt 4: Gratitude as Vulnerable Engagement

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”

-Brené Brown, Rising Strong

I constantly encourage my clients towards vulnerable engagement as the attitude and actions that give relationships and life substance and meaning.  There are a million ways to vulnerably engage with others and with life and today I want to talk about gratitude as vulnerable engagement. Gratitude is an acknowledgement that we have received good things from others and from life that we had no control over (acknowledging vulnerability) and an expression of our feelings in response to what we have received (engagement). It is therefore unsurprising to me that research has shown a wide range of personal benefits from practices of gratitude – ranging from a decrease in suicidal thoughts to a decrease in fat intake (for one list of researched benefits, read this article from UC Davis).

I am writing this blog in November with Thanksgiving coming in mere days.  Thanksgiving is a great holiday that encourages us to acknowledge and express gratitude and I have two suggestions for boosting and extending your gratitude benefits this Thanksgiving. The first is to start a gratitude journal. While expressing gratitude once a year is better than not expressing gratitude, the most significant benefits come from regular practices of gratitude. A gratitude journal can be as simple as listing a few things a day that you are grateful for. My second suggestion is to make your expressions of thanks interpersonal. In my experience gratitude at Thanksgiving is often transcendental, with thanks given for what life or the universe or God has provided.  Adding direct expressions of thanks to other people for what they have brought to your life by their actions and character adds relational benefits to the personal benefits of gratitude because relationships grow stronger, safer, and more satisfying through acts of vulnerable engagement.