Phyllis Webstad was 6 years old when the new orange shirt she chose for her 1st day of school was stripped off her back. It was the early 70s & she was the 3rd generation to attend St. Joseph’s Residential School in Williams Lake, BC.
Today is Orange Shirt Day to acknowledge the harm that Canada’s residential school system left in generations of Onkwehón:we families and communities.
Katherine Sorbey, who played my Nokumi (grandmother) in Rhymes for Young Ghouls is a residential school survivor. I’m dedicating this day to her, to my ancestors and every other family who was impacted by this genocidal system.
Hey guys, Thursday 13rd, I had a job interview for Target. My first ever job interview!!! It was so interesting! I prepared for it thanks to a very great friend of mine and thanks to the internet. While the people who work there are absolutely friendly and they are amazing, I found it excruciatingly difficult to endure. It was the wait. At first, I made some friends, I talked to people and helped make them feel more comfortable, thus making myself also more comfortable. Target interviews you on a 'first round', then, if you're interesting, they ask you to stay for a second round, etc. etc. While we were waiting, there was a TV with a commercial of Target playing and replaying and replaying... And the interviewers came and introduced themselves to us, some asking us questions, others being awesome and challenging us, etc. I was lucky, I went through three 'rounds', I won't tell thou the time it took yet. The more, the better right? Two friends of mine got their jobs on the fourth interview, and me? After my third interview, when the buy said he wanted me to wait in the waiting room for the next step. ...I waited and I waited... The room thinned out and there was no one friendly to speak to anymore. Then, finally, a lady came to me, like i saw her come to so many other people and said that there was too many candidates to go through and that they'll keep my dossier and they'll call or email me. It took me five hours for this job interview.... ...and I have a test on Friday... So... My day was crappy after that... BUT one of the interviewers had come and challenged us to draw out the reason why we wanted a job at target. I drew and I asked for more paper, just to pass time, something they didn't deny me. So here are pictures of what I drew before I handed in my papers and the drawing pencils they graciously lent us.
It's been such a long time since I've posted anything here...
...longer since I've posted anything that was... well worth reading I guess...
I was working on a ECR (Ethics and Religious Culture) projects and I had to draw a story, so, almost in order, this is the story of Haraken and Hikari's wedding preparations [which is so ironic because I don't really plan to be the married later on xD]. Can you guess what religion inspired this?
Guys... I'll stop posting depressive stuff here. Not good for myself. I'll post it elsewhere so you don't have to read so long every time you see an update LOL XD
Okay, I'm INCREDIBLY pessimistic... I'm half-way through my internship and I feel like I still have SO MANY THINGS that I need to work on... that it's HORRIBLE... I feel so horrible. Not feeling bad for myself only...
I feel bad for the teachers who have to endure seeing me fail so badly...
I feel bad for the children who deserved to have a better intern... I feel like I failed so many people right now... just in one day... I feel like I should crawl somewhere and hide for the rest of my life.
...everything is so hard... Everything has its ups and downs, but why is it so hard for me... I don't understand everything on the first try, nor the second?
I doubt myself so much right now that just getting my assessment of evaluation after asking for it (which I won't, because I'm a coward that way) would break my heart... I know that I'm not as 'fit' as so many other people in my program... Bless them, bless those girls, they're awesome. Thank you for your support guys.
...and maybe it's well that I get rejected and kicked out of my program. I won't feel like I'm walking towards the guillotine anymore... since the slicer already came down and cut my head off my neck... figuratively speaking. I'll go into another program... spend it wisely and reject the furious glances of my community and family... I'm used to being the dejected failure...
On top of all of this, I'm sick. And obviously depressed... since I'm saying these things...
I have voice loss, I have a mild fever, I cough so badly that it's a dry cough and sometimes it results in vomiting...
I'll go crawl under my bedsheets and barf my way to bed.... or something...
See ya
G.
P.S. I have learned this secret awesome thing called Automatic Thoughts... what I wrote is almost Automatic thoughts. If you have them, here's how to deal with them! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2zRA5zCA6M
What has been going on with your lives?
So... the fourth week (out of nine) is coming up... There are like... literally 5 weeks left... and here I am, stressing my life out for something that I will be doing for the rest of my life perhaps...
My supervision is coming up. It's this monday, where a University representative will come to evaluate how I do in the school. In terms of teaching, etc.
But oh gods... I feel so stressed... I've made an awesome activity, I've gotten the approval of so many people! And yet... I feel unready for everything. I don't feel like I can do this... Hearing things like Yes! You can do it! or Don't stress... I don't know if it helps... It makes me stress so much more...
...and what if I'm always going to be stressed? I'm comfortable in front of the children... I'm comfortable with my teachers... this school I've been sent to is absolutely awesome! The children are so cute and cuddly and awesome, even the ones who don't like me at the end of the day! And when I come home, I feel good... but then after a few hours, the questions start again and the stress comes back.
You can call is 'trac' if you want, that 'little' stress artists feel before going on stage, but mine does not feel as positive as that. I feel unready, I feel... like I don't belong, perhaps...
...I know that this stress is bad... I wonder: is it a sign that I'm not in the right profession? It hurts... what if I didn't? What if I don't get chosen? What if I can't make it? What if I have to disappoint myself again?
To that, I answer that I love teaching. I do, I really do. I wouldn't be tutoring if I didn't. I wouldn't be in this program if I didn't... it's just... the part about being authoritative enough to have the children's respect... it's hard... It's the 'down side' of the profession... And then, I wonder: what if I end up not ready? What if...
What if my parents (whose opinion I care without caring, I guess) are disappointed in me again? I don't like to think that this stresses me the most. They should accept that I explored, and didn't like it. Ultimately, I think I'm scared of disappointing myself... Like... 'G, you weren't even able to finish your first bachelors, what makes you think that you can continue like this...? What makes you think you have a future?' Society views mistakes and failure with such pejorative sentiment... In an ideal world, I wouldn't care... but...
...and then... in those lonely times, I feel alone in the planet. Not that I don't have any friends. It's more like no one can listen to me... understand what I'm going through as much... no one has the time either... no one can stop and read whatever a complete stranger's writing... I often say it... I totally understand how you feel... or I've been in that kind of situation before... But... have we? The depth of feel that one feels in a situation is completely different from a person to another (even being in the same situation). It all depends on the background, the 'origin story' of this person... Gods, I feel so alone, even though I am surrounded by friends... And I don't feel like a good friend... saying things like 'I understand...' when I don't really... I'm trying to be empathic, but... I don't really understand! I can somewhat relate... but do I really understand everything? I'm so worried about everything...
And then, I end up slapping myself mentally because I can't be that stupid. I've been in this program for 3 years now, I can't back down on the third year when there's only a fourth one till I get my diploma... I can't possibly let it get to me, right? Also, I'm not alone, what am I thinking? I have great friends whom I adore and who probably adore me as well (else they probably wouldn't be my friends), right?
"Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive?"
"Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated?"
"Did you know the one who takes care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most?"
"Did you know the 3 hardest things to say are I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me."
Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile and see how much pain they may be in. To all my friends who are going through some issues right now--Let's start an intention avalanche. We all need positive intentions right now. If I don't see your name, I'll understand. May I ask my friends wherever you might be, to kindly copy and paste this status to give a moment of support to all those who have family problems, health struggles, job issues, worries of any kind and just need to know that someone cares. Do it for all of us, for nobody is immune. I hope to see this on the walls of all my friends just for moral support. I know some will!! I did it for a friend and you can too. You have to copy & paste this one, no share button, because kindness is a effort given from the ♥ not the press of a button.
I found it on facebook, freaking epic... Sending you all my positive thoughts and intentions for you. I hope your week goes well!
What about you? What do you have planned for this week?
I just discovered: Friday-i'm less stressed. Saturday-i'm more stressed Sunday-level of stress: high Monday-tuesday-level of stress: high-but-still-less Wednesday-thursday-level of stress:less-much-less Friday-back to less stress But I love what I do XD it's really just the maturity part I lack that makes me doubt myself. But I do believe that I'm slowly, but surely getting used to things... I just have to... Finish everything faster... Much faster...
I'm trying to be calm, I'm trying so hard to be calm, but how can you be when you have no idea whether or not you can survive another week?
I'm doing my breathing exercise, but... I feel once again the queasy feeling of non-belonging. Is it going to be like this every week?
Come on, we can do this, right? YES! WE CAN!
It feels, sometimes, like I don't feel ready...
Breathing sometimes doesn't help, it makes me hyperventilate.
My heart pumps blood faster than the blood travels,
my head becomes dizzy with equations that don't make sense...
On the other hand, the weather seems like it is clearing up and the snow is melting already. Normally this happens in what? March? February? This is still early in January to have such... well I'm just wondering...
G.
It seems like global warming is taking effect, what do you think?
Third day at the school, Second day with the children
Hey guys!
So...
Today's report:
1) After three days of passing in front of her to go to the school, the brigadier hailed after me for crossing the street. She asked me: "Are you in sixth grade?!"
I told her: "No! I'm an intern in the school there!"
She looked at me skeptically.
She's hailed me three times so far (twice while I visited the school to talk to my teacher before the internship began). This is gonna be a long internship...
2) Math class that I taught was good. I confused them, then, I kind of tried to re-explain everything. All in all, I think they understood where I was getting at. I'll re-explain another time, I guess.
3) I stopped 3 fights, told them I didn't want to give them 'retenue', so bro fisted and promised me they wouldn't do it again (need to remember their faces and names and classes so if it starts again, I will give them their 'retenue' tomorrow if I see them at it again.
Overall, I liked my day. :3
I have that tendency to be really stressed about it. Thank you so much, guys, for your support!
I hope you're doing well! Thank you SO MUCH for your replies, for your messages. It helped me out the days I received them. Thank you very much!
Today, I realize something I have been pushing myself to deny all week: I am starting school again.
A part of me...
It wants to believe it will be awesome. I love the children I am going to work with (despite meeting them twice only). I love the teacher who has been assigned to guide me through it. She is cheerful and open-minded to almost everything. It makes me want to look up to the next few days and wish that it would come faster. I want to feel invincible, like I feel when I'm face to face with my exams, KNOWING that I cannot fail.
...but that defeats the whole purpose of learning, right? If we're not afraid of failing, if we're 100% sure to ace something, then we shouldn't even be LEARNING about it, but TEACHING about it, right?
Well... I'm just saying...
But... another part of me...
It believes it will be abrutal, I fear, comeback to school, because I start with aninternship. Seeing as I have nearly failed my last internship, I fear for this one more than I fear for... well... I don't know, anything else. I feel like I'm not ready. I feel like I'm not prepared, I feel like I will not succeed. I feel like I want to curl up in a corner and wait for it to pass, like a temporary event. It's a 1-2 month internship.
But I know that if I focus on the bad part, if I let my panic get to me and my precious brain, then something bad IS bound to happen. Something WILL happen and it will be EXACTLY what I fear, BECAUSE my brain focuses on that and it will subconsciously HEAD in that direction.
It's like that time in my driving class where I almost had an accident because I was looking at the cars who were coming at me instead of looking at the road ahead, where I'm supposed to be focusing on.
So... I know that I have to focus on the bright side, on how I WILL succeed... but... there's always that looming shadow of failure that roams about in my brain, gnawing at what shouldn't be...
I think I'll be listening to this song a lot for the next months, to give me some sense of courage, or something...
What about you? What are your 'tricks' to focus on good things? Picture happy times?
Sometimes, I really want to say what's on my mind, I really do want to share what truly is happening, but how can I do it when the people on the receiving end cannot conceive what I say? What if they finally truly see what I'm capable of? Or rather what I truly am?
