get this body off me. give me someone else's instead.
illi mcmillin x chubby!gn!reader
been feeling at my lowest. i dont really want to get into it. just hoping that writing it down would help. i feel like hiding into a hole and never seeing anyone again. I dont know what to do. so im writing this.
tw: body image, horrible thoughts about oneself, will be graphic. putting it all out there, a few experiences of my own (i hope to god no one would experience those things ever..and if you have, you are beautiful- please dont let them take your shine away.) a little inspo from strangers by ethel cain. negative solutions or ideas. gore-ish writing too, masturbation mentioned but not smut and god talk
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ THIS WITH CAUTION! I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!! THIS FANFIC WILL BE A LITTLE MORE DETAILED ABOUT ALOT OF THINGS SO PLEASE!! if you feel like you can't read this, its okay. keep yourself safe, remember to take care of yourself and ill see you on the next one.
I love you so much.
fic under 'keep reading.'
dividers by @pixopix & @kthice
Your eyes traced the bodies of the princess you were watching, her moves elegant, gentle and graceful. Her hair down to her lower back as she sings her tunes and spins around in her overly flowy dress. Your chubby fingers were holding a cup that was finished - droplets of whatever you were drinking reminds. You couldn't help but to watch in awe as she takes centre stage of your television.
Eyes of wonder, realisation- alot of that kind of shit happens when you were younger; you are conscious about the things around you, you build you likes and interests - or the complete opposite, you dislikes and your hates. It's normal. It's normal.
But you didn't know that bodies - there shouldn't be a 'norm' on it. Why was there even an ideal type of body to begin with? You didn't know that of course. You were still a kid. You thought you can be like the princess on your screen.
Unaware, unknowing and just clueless about everything. In a way you wish it would stay that way.
But we grow up, as we do- sometimes dreams just shatter and burn. Some may say that's how like it, while others will disagree with that statement.
At the end of the day, it's life anyways. Somethings you can't really control.
Kindergarten was..something. The other kids could put be put into clothes that were already provided, while you would struggle to even pull it down your torso.
Events like this- they were just horrible to you.
Small huffs escaped your lips, wanting to run out and be with your classmates but the teachers were looking at you. You didn't know what that emotion was at that time but it was just..pity? Disappointment? Worry? You weren't sure. They weren't happy that's what you know. They took your measurements, saying that you would get your outfits later. So you practiced with your normal uniform while everyone else wore their outfits. You were a kid then, sure but you aren't dumb. You feel left out. You feel..weird. Your heart hurts- you feel..empty and you didn't know how to even comprehend the feelings.
Many activities had weight limits, which caused you to step back and watch. A part about traffic safety? You were the pedestrians or just the traffic police. Not being able to drive in those fancy cars because you simply couldn't fit.
When it's time for camp as you gotten older? You couldn't climb, you couldn't wear certain harnesses. Simply because your body type was not thought of while making these stuff. You just sat back and watched. Of course you could lose the weight.
But the way your school went about it was humiliating. You were only 12, you and a bunch of other students - classified of being 'overweight' were forced to stay back once a week to do exercises. Even doctor appointments to see if you are unhealthy. You weren't. You had genes that made you like this. You did jumping jacks and dumb Zumba classes in the hall while the other end of the hall were skinny, lean and fit students playing badminton, jumping and swinging their racket without any worries.
It was, unpleasant. Exercising was just horrible. So you didn't really exercises in front of people. Only when you are forced too during PE classes. Every time you did, you could feel your weight. Your fats jiggling and chaffing against each other. It was..just..nasty.
Never did you ever feel secure in your body. The people you look up too on the television or influencers you admire. They all have one thing they share in.
Being skinny.
The things you watched changed over time. Obviously because you are older, cartoons don't cut it out for you sometimes. Shows. Movies. They show love in different ways. Way more different. At first it was silly, it made you giggle and just make your skin burn a little. A kiss from one person to another. Their hands feeling their skin. Sometimes it goes further.
Sometimes you wonder. Why are they all skinny and fit. If so- is it wrong for someone who was chubbier to be the main person? It isn't like that unfortunately. They were usually the funny ones, the filler to be the 'fat funny friend'. The person who gets messages from men to ask for their friend's Instagram. They weren't them.
They weren't special, because of their weight. It felt being a kid again, the feeling you had when you were a kid. However now, you were entering a point in your life where relationships is a possibility. The stress and embarrassment from not doing it with someone. Not having your first kiss.
Not being desirable.
It was too much for you.
So now, you're older now. Past the teen years.
You need a sort of release.
You are human after all.
You watched videos of lovers, sometimes just actors - on websites. It didn't help. Their moans and grunts echoed softly in your room, where you phone rest on your bed. Tears streaming down your face as you realised. That could never be you. Even during those videos, the actors would lift one person to a certain position or certain actions can be done to someone who was smaller.
That made you feel ashamed. Down right disgusted with yourself. The tears streamed down even more as you curled yourself up into a ball on your side. Pausing the video on your phone, and chucking it across the room. Why. Why were you born this way. You don't get it. Must you be pretty and small to be loved. Why, why was this the ideal look to be loved.
Soft cries escaped your chapped lips as you stared at yourself in the mirror. You were on your knees, hunched forward, trying to hide and stuff all of your fat in - but no matter how much you wanted to, you just couldn't. You hunched over a little more so your back rolls could smoothen out a little more.
But they are still there, there was some fat just spilling off the sides, you can't - you don't want it. Your cries were louder now and your arms - wrapped themselves around you, your nails digging into your skin and slowly you clawed against it. Trying to shed and rip yourself apart, somehow it was working. You felt warm blood pooling down your sides onto the floor beneath you. You were wailing now, in pain or in fear -you weren't even sure. You just know that you would not have this body anymore. You were thankful that you were not going to be in thid body anymore. Your fingers were just mauling your skin like it was clay- digging through thr flesh like it was dirt itself. The pain didn't matter, as long as you weren't you.
God didn't create you with love and joy. God created you with humiliation and laziness. God saw you as someone who needs to fight through to the pain and suffering for His entertainment. You had to beg to have something people were blessed with, people who were born with. People that can discard so easily.
- you laid down on your side, bringing your hands around your stomach, slowly peeling off the skin.
After a while, you brought your hands forward to look at them, you could see flesh and meat of yours- you slowly press your hands together to slowly mould them together. Before slathering on your now ripped back.
Ah- it's smooth now.
Do it again,
Fucking rip yourself into bits, create yourself into someone that can be desired, that will be loved.
Commit
Commit
Commit
I SAID FUCKING DO IT-
You sat up right away, cold sweat dripping down your forehead and down the side of your face.
"Sweet thing?"
You turned your head to look at her.
"Sorry Illi, I- I just- sorry." Illi looked at you with worry, she was sitting beside you now. Her hand finding yours under the covers. "Wanna turn the night light on?" She asked gently, squeezing your hand.
"If that's okay?" Without a second thought, the lamp on her bedside table was flickered on, seeing her room made it a little easier on your mind, a soft sigh escaped your lips as your free hand wiped the sweat from you face.
You could hear your heartbeats in your ears. Your skin tingles, the same spots where you were hurting yourself in the dream - or nightmare. Whatever you want to call it.
"Hey, look at me. I'm right here, you're okay. You wanna talk about it?" You swallowed your saliva, your throat feeling dry and painful. At her words you shook your head, not trusting your voice at the moment. She gives a nod. Unsure on how to go about this either.
"Alright. You don't have to talk about it. It's fine. I think..I don't know how to even go about this. I'm just worried and you haven't slept well and I just-"
"I'm fine Illi, really - just- it's fine. It was a stupid nightmare. Just go back to sleep. I'm just gonna go for a walk." Without another word, you left her bed and climbed up the stairs and left her room - onto the pavement outside of her home. You were just in a thin shirt with som shorts which wasn't helping you from the cold but it didn't matter.
You took a few steps in the directions to the playground but a soft cloth was placed on your shoulders, you turned around to see Illi with a soft smile.
"I'm gonna follow you, if that's okay? Don't really wanna see my love just being alone in their thoughts like this." You just gave her a smile and walked down the pavement.
"I know you said you were okay, maybe a little..hint? If that's okay?"
"Just, thoughts about how, uh, I look. A stupid and scary dream about me being unhappy with my body and such. That's all. I told you, it's nothing to be worried about."
"Unhappy with your body?" Illi asked, she stopped walking to face you. "I didn't know. I mean I know sometimes you mention to me that you weren't happy with some clothes but till the point it makes you jump up from the bed and just..it isn't okay love."
You eyes met hers for a second, before looking away. "I guess. I don't know actually. I have been used to it. Didn't know how to go about it or how to even explain it. I didn't want to explain it to you because you know- it's stupid. I didn't want a therapist because the humiliation of it all. To bare myself infront of them as they just unravel everything. It's too much. I tried, I did but I can't. Sorry I'm so fucking path-"
"Don't even go there, (Y/N). Sorry I shouldn't be saying it like that- sorry. You aren't what you think you are. I know, it's easy to get out of that mindset. You are so used to called horrible things, comparison is a thief of joy. I see that and I want you to understa-"
"Illi, I can't even fit into your clothes sometimes, it's so embarrassing. I feel so heavy, so big, so disgusted. It's hard to put it into words."
Illi arms wrapped around your waist and you tried to pull away, shrinking in her hold. No, no, no, no. You could feel her arms pressing against your handles. Your stomach pressing against hers- feeling the pudge being squished between you. It made you sick.
"Illi please, stop please. I- I can't, it's fucking hard to be in this body. I have been like this my whole entire life. No matter what I do, no matter what I say. I feel like they would always remind me on how I look. I didn't asked to be like this- I go to the gym, I cut down on my food but the effects are not happening they way I want. It isn't happening as quicly as I wanted. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry for being this way."
You hands slowly pulled her arms away from your body.
"I'm overly jealous of people who are still chubby but it looks flattering, I'm upset that no matter what i wear, I look ugly. There are days I can't even shower because I have to look down to see my body. I hate it, I hate it and I'm constantly reminded of why people won't want me. Why you would even want me."
"No don't- don't pull away. Don't do that, have you ever thought on why I love you? Why I choose you?"
Illi's words stopped your train of thoughts for a moment.
"You have your reasons on why you love me, right? So it would be the same for me." Illi muttered, shamelessly pressing a kiss against your lips for a second before pulling away.
"Ask me." Illi
You chewed on your bottom lip, before asking.
"I love you. That's all."
You looked at her confused and a little hurt from her answer.
She let's out a soft smile in return.
"It's you, I love. Not the physical aspect of you. No matter how much you change, I'll still find you. I'll still look for you in anyone because you are enough. Everything has been better since you came into my life. You showed me love in your own way. I fell in love with you. Just you. I didn't think about anything else. I saw you and I wanted you. I love you now, I'll love you later. No matter what 'versions' of you would you prefer. I would still love you. Please, don't let your weight, your looks define you. You are everything I seek in a person and I want you to know that. Let me show you that."
Tears sprung from your eyes and you hugged her tightly.
"I'm sorry." Yours words muffled into the crook of her neck. "Stop apologising, there's nothing to apologise for, but we have a lot to talk about - whenever you are ready of course. I won't push you okay? For now, let's head back home and let me love you."
You let out a soft hum as a reply. Illi pressed a kiss on the top of your head before bringing you back to her place.
Loving your body was still a foreign feeling , but you won't be alone in understanding it.
Because you have Illi.
And that was enough to tell you how much you are worth beyond you figure.
thank you for reading. ilysm. keep yourself safe and healthy
im tired.
-xev
