Hereās my testimony as the year is approaching to an end. God has given me so much room to grow this past year, as he has offered me new opportunities, opened me up to more genuine and mature relationships, and comforted me in times of trouble to teach me what it means to fully abide in Him. I would never have expected myself to be where I am now a few years back, as I have learned so many things through hardship and suffering, through making mistakes and enduring heartbreak, through fear/anxiety that has led me to rebel against God in so many ways. It was the first time I had experienced loneliness in my life, where I suffered from anorexia and isolated myself from all my friends and family. I kept my feelings to myself, hidden in darkness, as I was afraid to open up to anyone about my problems. I wanted to stand out from the crowd, feel worthy and accepted by those around me and to feel accomplished of myself. I dropped a significant amount of weight down to 37kg, my hair became brittle, stomach began to bloat (a sign of starvation), period stopped, was preoccupied with food 24/7 where I couldnāt stop myself from binging after severe restriction of food, and I was extremely sensitive to everything around me. The littlest things irritated me, and I was emotionally unstable. This led to social withdrawal as I began to spend more and more time with myself. After months of torturing my body, I decided it was best to take a break from school to recover. After 6 months of spending time with my family in Korea, I gained back 10 pounds and reached a healthy weight. But because I had spent so much time alone out of the states, itās like I had forgotten how to socialize and continued to isolate myself from people and avoid social interactions. This led to my increased stress/anxiety and loss of confidence in myself as school became more and more difficult and relationships began to deteriorate. Relapse occurred as I went straight back to my old workout routines, and I was severely underweight. By releasing emotional stress onto my body, I overworked my body by spending hours at the gym and not consuming enough calories to keep my body going. As weird as it sounds, destroying my body was a way to cope with my emotional stress. I was emotionally unstable at this point with no one to rely on, no one to trust, no one to fall back to and show my real self. I began to rely heavily on alcohol and getting drunk to forget my problems, to numb myself from feelings of loneliness and anxiety, and spent time flirting/drinking with guys at clubs to find a sense of belonging there. This obviously led to worse outcomes, as I was taken advantage of by many guys, hurt and scarred by friends who werenāt really my friends, and lost all trust for people as my heart became bitter towards everyone. It was during this lowest point in my life that I felt God reaching down to me to show me that He cares. As I sat down on my bed, feeling alone and hopeless, God comforted me through rubbing His word on my deepest wounds. He reminded me at that moment that He is the only love who could fulfill me enough not to overreact to the pain; that He came to take my wounds into his own hands and feet so that I may live. And God has been moving at my tempo all along, never rushing, because He knows that my healing will take a step at a time. But so He has allowed all this suffering to happen to me so that I may be willing to hold up those truths and allow God to take control of my life. It was as if God was saying all along, āThis is where you can say everything.ā I remember just bawling after realizing this and praying in complete honesty about myself, opening up to whatās been happening inside of me. As God scooped me out of the lies of my distorted thinking, I began to acknowledge His presence everyday, replacing my thoughts with His truth about me. And the more I became aware of His presence, the more I was able to overcome my fears and be confident in Him through all that I did. Although it was difficult to move on from my old habits, to die to my old self and be born again through Christ, to have Him be under control of my thoughts and actions and to fully submit to Him, God has led me to build godly relationships that matter, to meet people who will love me for who I am, to challenge myself through uncomfortable situations and gain confidence through Him, and to simply move on and rest in His arms as I let go and let God. Iām still a work in progress- battling with anxiety, self-condemnation, always tempted to do things I shouldnāt be doing, etc. where things can get sloppy at times, but itās the very fact that God still loves and is continuing to shape me and mold me into the person that He has created me to be. Itās the very fact that He still forgives no matter how many times I mess up and that everything bad in me, Heās working on that. Despite having been a tough year, Iāve experienced so much growth and understanding of who I am and what I am truly capable of, through acting in spite of myself and finding out my worst fears are all not that bad after all. That through my experiences with music therapy and other things God has provided for me in my life up to this point, I was able to gain true confidence by just going for it and allowing determination to win over my emotions. I look forward to 2016 and for whatās to come, and I pray that God will continue to break down my pride to stir up in me a new heart, a new mind, a new attitude towards the next chapter in my life. I ask that He may lead me to a path of maturity and teach me patience as I continue to support and love my mom who is diagnosed with having panic disorder/depression; that I may reflect His image and bring healing through upcoming trials. Just as He has forgiven me and loved me for my sinful and dirty self, I pray that I too may learn to forgive and love others, that I may be transformed and be utterly abandoned in His love. This is my ultimate confession and prayer request.Ā
snowghoul
blakekathryn
theartofmadeline
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