literally just a girl

haerin, 20's, she/her: probably crying over a show/book/just because

[haeryna]

unfortunately not haerin from nwjns </3

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haerin, 20's, she/her; full time student, part time daydreamer

likes: strawberry green tea, my melody, naps teehee

dislikes: organic chem, gege after reading the latest jjk chapters >:(

↬ inbox is open! feel free to say anything or offer prompts

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↬ rules/byi ↬ masterlist

[haeryna]

haerin i miss you so much how r u my pookie princess 🙁🙁

HIII I'M ALIVE EVERYONE !!!

long story short i am okay!! my contract with my extremely toxic job ended, AND THEN MY LAPTOP BROKE :((( so i had to deal with all that, and then life lifed, and oh my god it's been almost a year???

i've been doing well pookie <33 my life has gotten much better, still a lot of ups n downs lmao, but i'm enjoying it!! how are you babe? i miss you so much too :((

i'll get around to asks, and i'll try to be more active here, but first i have to break it to my bf about my blog before he starts wondering why i'm suspiciously hiding my laptop from him

[haeryna]

missed seeing you in my notifs

ANON STOP i will. KISS YOU. i'm gonna sob you are too cute :(( i hope that you've been staying cool, and make sure to drink lots of water!! at least where i'm at, it's been so hot lately, so make sure that you're taking care of yourself <3

[haeryna]

I just wanted to ask in your rockstar idol au will there be any more angst in the next chapters ? Maybe something about the model and all ? Lol i just want to see the boys pamper a grumpy reader iykyk

hi anon! there will most likely be some angst, but i always like my angst with a happy ending :> and dw, the boys have a LOT of groveling to do especially because MC is petty teehee

[haeryna]

hi everyone~

i feel like i'm constantly apologizing so i'm gonna do it again; finals wiped me off the face of the earth, and then i went through some things in my personal life that killed a lot of inspo i had for writing :( i'm currently taking a break for the next two weeks, and i'm hoping by then i can get something out!! i love and appreciate you all, and i hope that you're staying cool and hydrated during this very hot summer <3 in the meantime, if you have something you'd like me to specifically write for, my inbox is open!

[haeryna]

I vaguely recall reading the new chapter this morning when I got up to go take my final exam at 6AM my time and rereading it just now is a whirlwind of emotions. I completely get why you wrote it the way you did and some people just need to understand that different people react differently. You wrote it as how you'd personally act in that situation and because you're the author, it's your fic therefore you get final say.

To the haters, if you don't like what you read, write the ending yourself. There's no need to hate on the people who put their time and efforts into creating masterpieces on the internet FOR FREE for the rest of us to enjoy.

Keep up the good work Haeryna ❤️

NOOO ANON THE SIX AM FINAL? JAIL! i have an 8am this quarter and i lowkey have to drag myself out of bed kicking and screaming every single time i go to that class. you're a dedicated one fr omg

but seriously, i appreciate you! it can feel a little frustrating, but i'm glad i also have readers who enjoyed what i wrote, and i hope that in the future, whether i continue this au, or branch out into different ones, that you enjoy those as well. it's been overwhelming (in a good way) coming back and seeing all the positive messages that everyone's left in my inbox. thank you anon !! <3

[haeryna]

If ur rockstar idol au has no fans im dead.

Im being so fr that kind of au is exactly what i’ve been hungry for 🤧 and it fed me so well😛 the childhood the angst the platonic breakup to groveling to lovers GRRRGRGRGRGRG🐁🐁🐁

I love it ignore those bland ahh haters🙏

STOPP THE EMOJIS BAHAHA i'm happy you like it so much !! i have been ignoring them but i feel kind of guilty even though i know that this IS technically my blog and i deserve to feel okay about what i post. i think i'm just anxious lol. but again, i'm hoping to continue this au, along with branching into other pairings/fandoms! thank you for your love and support, i appreciate you so so much <3

[haeryna]

I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the satosugu story you've written

(I'm typing with tears in my eyes, if there's typos - that's why)

I don't think there's words enough to explain the amount or the intensity of emotions I felt reading it

So thank you, so very much

anon :( you're literally too kind i'm gonna cry. tbh i struggled with leaving it even open ended-- i quickly realized i didn't want to leave it ended that way, but at that point i started getting some interesting comments and asks so it's been hard thinking of it. i've been taking a break from tumblr just to focus on school and letting myself think about what i even want to write. but their story isn't finished anon, don't worry! i hope i can continue it in a way that continues to make you feel for them <3

[haeryna]

idol!gojo spotify playlist❔and rockstar!geto, too❓I wanted to know how their songs sound like... especially geto, who wrote all of them for the reader... pls ✊

HMMM omg anon this is such a hard ask T^T i'm a HUGE kpop stan (i just saw txt in concert!) so i think idol!gojo will have a lot more songs,,,

some songs that geto cowrote for idol!gojo's group that is 100% about reader: lucifer by enhypen, 0x1=lovesong (i know i love you) by txt, monster by exo (or any bg song that has a lot of sexual tension/slutty vibes because these poor boys have been thinking about her nonstop for like the past 5 years)

geto's is more sad, more longing. he tends not to release the songs he writes for reader because he selfishly likes to keep them to himself. in contrast, gojo dedicates every song he's ever written to reader. in every bit of fan service he does, he thinks of you </3

not the most detailed response I'M SORRY NONNIE I WILL TRY TO THINK OF MORE but these were the vibes n songs i thought of

[haeryna]

Hi ? How have you been ? 🥹

hi anon!! i'm sorry for not responding to my inbox asks lately :( i've been tired, sick and stressed (finals season lol) and just trying to make it to summer break. other than that i'm ok !! still alive <3 how about you? i hope you're eating well and getting lots of rest!

[haeryna]

i would recognize you in a million lifetimes ↪ gojo satoru x reader x geto suguru

← previous | ˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗ | next →

summary: they say that a child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. you would've been more inclined to believe it, if you weren't the only person who got burned. but now, suguru and satoru are offering you the salve and you're not sure whether it's enough to fix the scars that they left behind.

tw: sfw! angst with a happy ending, satoru is a cocky shit, suguru spends half the time on his knees in this (BUT NONSEXUALLY), more abandonment mentions because it's crucial to the plot, mentions of homophobia. lots of misunderstandings.

notes: divider by @/saradika-graphics. sorry, this chapter is a little shorter lol but surprise!! love how i said i was gonna take a break and then one day i suddenly realized kind of what i wanted to ensuing conversation to be. ending is a little open-ended; as of right now, i have no further plot points, but obviously that could change in the future (feel free to let me know where you want it to go/what you want me to write more about set in this universe!). thank you to everyone who loved and supported me when i first started this series; it was my first time really writing anything for a fandom, or publicly sharing it for that matter <33

There always seems to be an innate misunderstanding that occurs when people encounter Geto Suguru and Gojo Satoru, in that Satoru is the one who calls the shots and Suguru merely follows. Though Satoru might have seemed like the arrogant one, and Suguru the mild-mannered, you are intimately aware that the depth of Suguru’s pride almost matches his patience. It’s why he always tends to win whatever petty squabble that starts, why he always obtains the results he hopes for. Suguru always wins, you’d complained once, and his cat-like eyes had crinkled in amusement as he watched you. Not always, had been his response, but you knew it to be a lie. You had watched as he left a trail of broken hearts in his wake, his past lovers drawn in by his honey-sweet words and careful, calloused hands. You were no exception. If Satoru is a work of art, then Suguru is the painter, and you the lonely observer watching from behind the museum glass. You wonder if the same pride prevented him from finding you years ago.

It makes it seem all the more laughable as you watch Suguru kneeling before you through the water that clings to your lashes. The man that had never given in on his knees for someone who gave it all. You are suddenly horribly aware of the air that passes through your lungs in shuddering gasps. Your skin suddenly feels too tight for your body as your heart pounds to the tune of the faint ticking of the clock. “Please,” Suguru whispers at last, as his thumb runs along the back of your hand. Satoru’s arms tighten around you as if committing you to his memory, before letting go. You can say nothing as you stare down at your fingers traitorously intertwined with Suguru’s. 

“What if I don’t want to listen?” 

Satoru inhales sharply, and Suguru pauses, before reluctantly releasing your hand. 

“Do you mean it?” 

“I wasn’t aware that you two cared about how I felt about your decisions,” you retort, watching how Suguru’s expression falls. It doesn’t feel quite as satisfying as you thought it would. You push the thought down. 

“Baby–” Satoru starts, and the facade you’ve built up begins to crumble. 

“Don’t call me that!” you snarl, pushing yourself from the floor. His eyes are pleading, but you steel yourself as you continue. “I’m not your lover. I’m not anyone special to you, considering how quick you were to replace me.” Your voice breaks. “Mocking me like this is low, even for you.” 

Satoru stiffens. “You were special to me. You still are.” Your hands curl into fists as he continues, voice twisting into something more arrogant. “Though, I’m sure Kenji couldn’t live up to me.” 

“Don’t.” Your tone is raw as you frantically try to reel in the anguish you’d been storing for the past five years. “Don’t you dare try to use my letters against me.” 

Satoru has the decency to at least look ashamed. The look on his face is an echo of when he would frown all day if you didn’t give him what he wanted. Satoru is selfish, you know, all heat and arrogance and childishness. You know it’s partially your fault; you were the one that spoiled him off of your love in the first place. 

Suguru calls your name softly, and you turn to face him. He’s still on his knees, gazing up at you with the devotion of a worshiper and the guilt of a sinner. “Tell me what I can do to make it right,” he murmurs. “Tell me what I can do and I’ll do anything you ask of me.” 

“Why didn’t you take me with you?” Your words are fragile, even to your own ears. Please tell me it was because you didn’t have enough money. Please say that it’s because you were in a rush. 

“That night was chaos,” Suguru admits. “Satoru was downright unconsolable, so it was up to me to purchase the tickets, to pack everything we wanted to take into two bags, to book the hotels and make appointments to find apartments.” He hesitates for a moment, and you can feel the piercing ice forming in your veins at the expression. 

“But you had enough money to afford a third.” 

“Yes and no. Realistically, we maybe could have, but, to subject you to the conditions we would have been in?” 

Angrily, you swipe the tears away from your face. “You still should have asked.”

Suguru’s eyes are impossibly tender. “I know you, my beautiful, stubborn girl. I knew that if I gave you that plane ticket, you would have followed us no matter what you truly wanted. I was willing to make the sacrifice. How could I have asked you to do the same?” 

“That wasn’t your decision to make!” 

“Call me selfish, then. Call me controlling, or foolish, or stubborn, but I will never regret ensuring your safety. I will never regret the fact that you were not subjected to the struggles we faced there, the things we had to do to survive. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” 

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” You feel nauseous, stomach twisting violently into knots. The lies taste so sweet, but the truth is something that you accepted long ago. “Subjecting me to what? Your lifestyle? What struggles do you face when you have so much money that you don’t know what to do with it?” 

Satoru begins to protest, but you hold out your hand, silencing him as you watch Suguru. The betrayal of him cut deeper than you’d care to admit. Satoru might be cocky, but it is Suguru’s hand that holds the trigger, his hand that sealed your fate. “I know you,” you tell him. “I know you, and I know when you lie. Lie to me one more time and I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that I never see you again.”  

“There is no lie-” 

“You don’t do that to the people you love!” 

“I did it out of love, why can’t you see that?” 

“No, shut up!” Your hands are shaking, teeth gritted as you try to stop the rush of angry tears that threaten to escape you. “You don’t get to act like I’m the person in the wrong here. You two, of all people, don’t get to treat me like this.” The sun is setting, harsh shadows casted onto Suguru’s hunched shoulders as if it is a load that is physically too much for him to bear. The words spilling from your mouth are sharp, desperate to make them bleed in the same way they’d hurt you. “You can’t tell me you love me, or that you missed me, when you left me here for five years. I was alone for five years, and for the first three, I thought something had happened to you two. Do you know how scared I was?”

Satoru reaches for you, but you shove his hands away. “I had to find out from a fucking television broadcast. I had to find out about Satoru’s debut through a television broadcast, and I had to hear your voice coming from the radio instead of through the phone. For three years, you let me fear the worst, and now you’re acting as if I’m crazy? You’re upset to find me bitter when you’ve treated me like a toy you can return to, and throw away when you’re bored? You made me this way!”

 Suguru closes his eyes. “I will never stop regretting how I’ve hurt you, my love. I knew how badly you wanted to get out of this town, to go to college and make your mark on the world. We didn’t know that…” 

We didn’t know that you’d still be here.  

“Maybe if you’d bothered to find me, you would’ve known.” 

“Please don’t blame Suguru for it.” Satoru’s voice is tired, as he runs his hands down his face. “Suguru might have been the one who handled our move, but I was the coward in the end.” 

Impressively, your heart manages to shatter into even smaller pieces. You can only gaze blankly at him as he continues. “I’m sure you’ve suspected it by now, but when we left, Suguru and I were dating. We still are. You know how it is where we’re from, where we are.” He curls in on himself imperceptibly, a star ready to implode. “I knew my parents were bad, but I didn’t know they were that bad. The thought of you looking at me, at Suguru, the same way they looked at us– I couldn’t.” 

You can’t help the almost hysterical laughter that tears through you. “Are you serious? That was your reason?” 

Satoru stares at you as you cover your face with a hand. You’re afraid that if you don’t keep going, you’ll start screaming instead. “Of course I knew,” you choke out, half-laughing and half-sobbing. “Suguru’s neck would be all marked up every time you two hung out without me, and Satoru suddenly stopped flirting with every girl that wanted to sleep with him. Just because everyone else was stupid and in denial, doesn’t mean that I was.” 

“You never said anything.” Suguru gazes up at you, eyes horrified. 

“I figured if you wanted me to know, you would just tell me.” 

“You always looked so uncomfortable.”

“Because I was jealous!” Your words hang in the air, and in this moment, for better or for worse, you know that there is no going back. “I thought I was losing my mind. I was jealous of both of you for having the other, and I hated myself for it. What kind of sick friend was I, to be selfish enough to not only desire one of you, but both of you at the same time?” You shake your head, wishing that it could be enough to remove the feelings from your heart that you had been clinging onto for so long. “When you left, I missed you. I thought it would go away. I hoped it would go away. Who else would be stupid enough to love the people who abandoned them?” 

The words pour from your mouth, acidic with your pain and despair. “Why wasn’t I good enough for you two? Why was it so easy for you to move on, while I was stuck here wasting away? Was it really that hard for me to be loved by you? I was there too!” 

“Darling,” Suguru says, stumbling over the syllables of his words. “You loved us?” 

You have to fight the visceral urge to slap him across his painfully beautiful face. “That’s what you took away from this?” 

“I dreamed of this for so long,” Satoru tells you roughly, delicate fingers tilting up your chin. An interviewer had once said that Satoru’s eyes seemed so cold and distant. You feel like he was trying to burn you alive as he examines you. “I can’t believe this is real.”

“Are both of you out of your mind?” you snap, rearing back. Satoru’s resulting chuckle floods your face with heat as he gives you a lazy, predatory smile. “Only for you, sweetheart.” 

“What Satoru is trying to say,” Suguru interjects, dazed, “is that we didn’t think you felt the same way.” Same way? You feel lightheaded, as if you’re not quite there. Same way? 

He continues on as Satoru leans against the wall, content to watch your reactions. “I, we, just assumed that you…I don’t know. We…” 

“How could I not?” you ask, voice breaking. “How could I not love both of you?” 

Before you can even react, Satoru is surging towards you, arms pressing you closer into his body as he holds you tightly. “You mean it?” he asks, voice uncharacteristically desperate. Needy for you, as he greedily savors the feeling of you in his arms. You can only nod, one hand twisting into the back of his sweater as you bury yourself into the slight hollow where his collarbone meets his shoulder. 

“Please,” Suguru breathes, taking your hand into his, rough fingers curling around the back of your hand as he strokes your palm with his thumb. “I know things aren’t going to be the same. We’re okay with that, we just…” He swallows, thickly, before pushing forward. “We just want to make things right, take things slow, and maybe then you can learn to love us again.” 

Gently, you pull yourself away from Satoru’s grasp. “It’ll be hard,” you admit, tugging Suguru up off the floor and towards you. “But, we’ll make it through.” A slight smile tugs on your lips, the sincerity bleeding through into the softness of your eyes. “Besides, I don’t need to learn how to love you two again.” 

“Especially because I never stopped.” 

Later, you’ll realize the depth of the Gojo’s betrayal to their son. Later, there will be just as many kisses as there are tears, plans to be made, and boxes to be packed. But for now, all you can feel is the overwhelming warmth in your heart as you finally allow yourself to be hugged by two of the people you adored most in the world. 

Welcome home. I love you. 

[haeryna]

hiii!! I just read your rockstar idol au and wanted to say that I loveeedddddd it. I didn't saw the comments but don't know how people didn't understand? English isn't even my first language but I did! Also I understand reader bc she did not only spent a lot of time thinking her love was one sided (and weird) but spent a lot of time thinking they would NEVER feel the same about her and that they never did and that's why they left her, and just for the sake of the feelings and in the middle of a heated discussion she learned that they loved her too??? All these time??? Like out of nowhere when she was just cursing their entire bloodline? A lot of STRRONG feelings going back and forth? I would've hugged them too! Just for the sake of the shock!

but keep up! even if you're not publishing, just write for yourself. you have such a gift! I think I cried in every chapter haha, but you really have a way with your words that it's tremendous! hope you know that 🫶🏻

AHH ANON YOU GET IT !! yeah i definitely was trying to think about how i would react in that situation. reader definitely was beating herself up a ton over it; having feelings for your best friends? both of them? not just one? how selfish! and you still love them even after everything? how stupid of you! all things considered i think reader held it together pretty well, but dw there's still more time for breakdowns </3

[haeryna]

The last chapter was amazing aaaaah really cathartic omg !! Idk if you're ever planning on writing on but I'm so intrigued as what their new dynamic will be and how it'd turn out with both satoru and suguru being famous

hi mila !! thank you for liking it omfg </3 i kind of am on the fence (again, i definitely felt a lot of pressure, either real or imagined) about continuing it, but i think over time i'm warming up to the idea.

the new dynamic is hard. you're not used to having people in your corner like this, let alone two of them. and all they want to do is spoil you and take care of you, to let what they make soothe away the stress and exhaustion that plagues your life. with your parents' permission, suguru and satoru find them an apartment closer to one of the best hospitals in the area, along with a caretaker. you cried like a baby when you found out.

there's still the lingering stubbornness though. for so long, your parents had relied on you. in a weird way, you felt almost replaced. the guilt was ever present; could you really leave your parents behind? with a stranger, no less? the treatments were successful, but you knew how fickle medicine could be. but time is definitely running out. satoru's company is getting impatient. his hiatus has extended for almost three months now, and he has to start thinking about his departure back to asia.

so, lots of mending still to be had!

[haeryna]

girl, I was genuinely so happy when I saw your post come out, only to scroll to the comments to find hate?? In so srry girl, you do not deserve that after all the effort it took to write that series.

In my honest opinion, I did like the ending, it was well written and realistic, and I can understand why some people may be unsatisfied with the ending, but in the end, it's not their story, and it was definitely uncalled for to comment hurtful things because of that. Its genuinely terrible :((

Again, so sorry that happened girlie, on another note, hope your doing well now!!

i'm glad you were happy omg !! i'm ngl i definitely felt a lot more stressed since i KNOW it had been a hot minute since i updated that au, and a lot more pressured especially since this entire thing came out of a three am induced writing drabble lol. tbh i also get it, and i personally was unsatisfied at leaving it as an ending as soon as i posted it. i definitely want (wanted?) to add more to it, but i also didn't want to put that kind of pressure on myself again, so i let it be an optional alternative ending to leave it like that. i'm not quite sure if i'll return to it, but if i do it's hard to say when, or for how long.

either way, thank you for your kind words anon !! much love <3

[haeryna]

Hi love,

You're talented and amazing at writing; I hope you don't doubt your skills because of them; their words may hurt you, but don't let them get to you, love.

Don't mind those haters; they're so stupid to understand the story. The reader and the boys finally have the closer they need and have talked things through.  💟

aw anon :( you're too sweet :(( as soon as i posted it i realized that i didn't want the story to be done; yeah, they have very temporary closure, but there's still a lot of trust that needs to be rebuilt, and a lot of conversations to be had but i didn't have the bandwidth to add it to this segment lmao

thank you for enjoying it though, i appreciate you so very much <3

[haeryna]

Hey, I just read the last part of your rockstar au, and unfortunately, also the hate comment that was under it

I just wanted to say you're doing great

aw :( thank you !! i definitely am tempted to completely delete the whole series out of spite tbh mostly bc a few people have completely ruined my will to work on the series at all lmao. i did say in response to another comment that i wanted a slight resolution before getting into more of the actual relationship building; reader obviously will not be open to making any sort of amends at all if she doesn't forgive them to some degree. this was not a fix all nor a "suddenly they're all forgiven." they just need to be able to vomit out their feelings to the other.

also loving someone still does not necessarily mean that they have been completely forgiven lmao

anyways, again, people just don't read the byi so unfortunately that does result in a ban but oh well if i'm feeling particularly petty i'll just delete it

[haeryna]

i would recognize you in a million lifetimes ↪ gojo satoru x reader x geto suguru

← previous | ˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗ | next →

summary: they say that a child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. you would've been more inclined to believe it, if you weren't the only person who got burned. but now, suguru and satoru are offering you the salve and you're not sure whether it's enough to fix the scars that they left behind.

tw: sfw! angst with a happy ending, satoru is a cocky shit, suguru spends half the time on his knees in this (BUT NONSEXUALLY), more abandonment mentions because it's crucial to the plot, mentions of homophobia. lots of misunderstandings.

notes: divider by @/saradika-graphics. sorry, this chapter is a little shorter lol but surprise!! love how i said i was gonna take a break and then one day i suddenly realized kind of what i wanted to ensuing conversation to be. ending is a little open-ended; as of right now, i have no further plot points, but obviously that could change in the future (feel free to let me know where you want it to go/what you want me to write more about set in this universe!). thank you to everyone who loved and supported me when i first started this series; it was my first time really writing anything for a fandom, or publicly sharing it for that matter <33

There always seems to be an innate misunderstanding that occurs when people encounter Geto Suguru and Gojo Satoru, in that Satoru is the one who calls the shots and Suguru merely follows. Though Satoru might have seemed like the arrogant one, and Suguru the mild-mannered, you are intimately aware that the depth of Suguru’s pride almost matches his patience. It’s why he always tends to win whatever petty squabble that starts, why he always obtains the results he hopes for. Suguru always wins, you’d complained once, and his cat-like eyes had crinkled in amusement as he watched you. Not always, had been his response, but you knew it to be a lie. You had watched as he left a trail of broken hearts in his wake, his past lovers drawn in by his honey-sweet words and careful, calloused hands. You were no exception. If Satoru is a work of art, then Suguru is the painter, and you the lonely observer watching from behind the museum glass. You wonder if the same pride prevented him from finding you years ago.

It makes it seem all the more laughable as you watch Suguru kneeling before you through the water that clings to your lashes. The man that had never given in on his knees for someone who gave it all. You are suddenly horribly aware of the air that passes through your lungs in shuddering gasps. Your skin suddenly feels too tight for your body as your heart pounds to the tune of the faint ticking of the clock. “Please,” Suguru whispers at last, as his thumb runs along the back of your hand. Satoru’s arms tighten around you as if committing you to his memory, before letting go. You can say nothing as you stare down at your fingers traitorously intertwined with Suguru’s. 

“What if I don’t want to listen?” 

Satoru inhales sharply, and Suguru pauses, before reluctantly releasing your hand. 

“Do you mean it?” 

“I wasn’t aware that you two cared about how I felt about your decisions,” you retort, watching how Suguru’s expression falls. It doesn’t feel quite as satisfying as you thought it would. You push the thought down. 

“Baby–” Satoru starts, and the facade you’ve built up begins to crumble. 

“Don’t call me that!” you snarl, pushing yourself from the floor. His eyes are pleading, but you steel yourself as you continue. “I’m not your lover. I’m not anyone special to you, considering how quick you were to replace me.” Your voice breaks. “Mocking me like this is low, even for you.” 

Satoru stiffens. “You were special to me. You still are.” Your hands curl into fists as he continues, voice twisting into something more arrogant. “Though, I’m sure Kenji couldn’t live up to me.” 

“Don’t.” Your tone is raw as you frantically try to reel in the anguish you’d been storing for the past five years. “Don’t you dare try to use my letters against me.” 

Satoru has the decency to at least look ashamed. The look on his face is an echo of when he would frown all day if you didn’t give him what he wanted. Satoru is selfish, you know, all heat and arrogance and childishness. You know it’s partially your fault; you were the one that spoiled him off of your love in the first place. 

Suguru calls your name softly, and you turn to face him. He’s still on his knees, gazing up at you with the devotion of a worshiper and the guilt of a sinner. “Tell me what I can do to make it right,” he murmurs. “Tell me what I can do and I’ll do anything you ask of me.” 

“Why didn’t you take me with you?” Your words are fragile, even to your own ears. Please tell me it was because you didn’t have enough money. Please say that it’s because you were in a rush. 

“That night was chaos,” Suguru admits. “Satoru was downright unconsolable, so it was up to me to purchase the tickets, to pack everything we wanted to take into two bags, to book the hotels and make appointments to find apartments.” He hesitates for a moment, and you can feel the piercing ice forming in your veins at the expression. 

“But you had enough money to afford a third.” 

“Yes and no. Realistically, we maybe could have, but, to subject you to the conditions we would have been in?” 

Angrily, you swipe the tears away from your face. “You still should have asked.”

Suguru’s eyes are impossibly tender. “I know you, my beautiful, stubborn girl. I knew that if I gave you that plane ticket, you would have followed us no matter what you truly wanted. I was willing to make the sacrifice. How could I have asked you to do the same?” 

“That wasn’t your decision to make!” 

“Call me selfish, then. Call me controlling, or foolish, or stubborn, but I will never regret ensuring your safety. I will never regret the fact that you were not subjected to the struggles we faced there, the things we had to do to survive. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” 

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” You feel nauseous, stomach twisting violently into knots. The lies taste so sweet, but the truth is something that you accepted long ago. “Subjecting me to what? Your lifestyle? What struggles do you face when you have so much money that you don’t know what to do with it?” 

Satoru begins to protest, but you hold out your hand, silencing him as you watch Suguru. The betrayal of him cut deeper than you’d care to admit. Satoru might be cocky, but it is Suguru’s hand that holds the trigger, his hand that sealed your fate. “I know you,” you tell him. “I know you, and I know when you lie. Lie to me one more time and I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that I never see you again.”  

“There is no lie-” 

“You don’t do that to the people you love!” 

“I did it out of love, why can’t you see that?” 

“No, shut up!” Your hands are shaking, teeth gritted as you try to stop the rush of angry tears that threaten to escape you. “You don’t get to act like I’m the person in the wrong here. You two, of all people, don’t get to treat me like this.” The sun is setting, harsh shadows casted onto Suguru’s hunched shoulders as if it is a load that is physically too much for him to bear. The words spilling from your mouth are sharp, desperate to make them bleed in the same way they’d hurt you. “You can’t tell me you love me, or that you missed me, when you left me here for five years. I was alone for five years, and for the first three, I thought something had happened to you two. Do you know how scared I was?”

Satoru reaches for you, but you shove his hands away. “I had to find out from a fucking television broadcast. I had to find out about Satoru’s debut through a television broadcast, and I had to hear your voice coming from the radio instead of through the phone. For three years, you let me fear the worst, and now you’re acting as if I’m crazy? You’re upset to find me bitter when you’ve treated me like a toy you can return to, and throw away when you’re bored? You made me this way!”

 Suguru closes his eyes. “I will never stop regretting how I’ve hurt you, my love. I knew how badly you wanted to get out of this town, to go to college and make your mark on the world. We didn’t know that…” 

We didn’t know that you’d still be here.  

“Maybe if you’d bothered to find me, you would’ve known.” 

“Please don’t blame Suguru for it.” Satoru’s voice is tired, as he runs his hands down his face. “Suguru might have been the one who handled our move, but I was the coward in the end.” 

Impressively, your heart manages to shatter into even smaller pieces. You can only gaze blankly at him as he continues. “I’m sure you’ve suspected it by now, but when we left, Suguru and I were dating. We still are. You know how it is where we’re from, where we are.” He curls in on himself imperceptibly, a star ready to implode. “I knew my parents were bad, but I didn’t know they were that bad. The thought of you looking at me, at Suguru, the same way they looked at us– I couldn’t.” 

You can’t help the almost hysterical laughter that tears through you. “Are you serious? That was your reason?” 

Satoru stares at you as you cover your face with a hand. You’re afraid that if you don’t keep going, you’ll start screaming instead. “Of course I knew,” you choke out, half-laughing and half-sobbing. “Suguru’s neck would be all marked up every time you two hung out without me, and Satoru suddenly stopped flirting with every girl that wanted to sleep with him. Just because everyone else was stupid and in denial, doesn’t mean that I was.” 

“You never said anything.” Suguru gazes up at you, eyes horrified. 

“I figured if you wanted me to know, you would just tell me.” 

“You always looked so uncomfortable.”

“Because I was jealous!” Your words hang in the air, and in this moment, for better or for worse, you know that there is no going back. “I thought I was losing my mind. I was jealous of both of you for having the other, and I hated myself for it. What kind of sick friend was I, to be selfish enough to not only desire one of you, but both of you at the same time?” You shake your head, wishing that it could be enough to remove the feelings from your heart that you had been clinging onto for so long. “When you left, I missed you. I thought it would go away. I hoped it would go away. Who else would be stupid enough to love the people who abandoned them?” 

The words pour from your mouth, acidic with your pain and despair. “Why wasn’t I good enough for you two? Why was it so easy for you to move on, while I was stuck here wasting away? Was it really that hard for me to be loved by you? I was there too!” 

“Darling,” Suguru says, stumbling over the syllables of his words. “You loved us?” 

You have to fight the visceral urge to slap him across his painfully beautiful face. “That’s what you took away from this?” 

“I dreamed of this for so long,” Satoru tells you roughly, delicate fingers tilting up your chin. An interviewer had once said that Satoru’s eyes seemed so cold and distant. You feel like he was trying to burn you alive as he examines you. “I can’t believe this is real.”

“Are both of you out of your mind?” you snap, rearing back. Satoru’s resulting chuckle floods your face with heat as he gives you a lazy, predatory smile. “Only for you, sweetheart.” 

“What Satoru is trying to say,” Suguru interjects, dazed, “is that we didn’t think you felt the same way.” Same way? You feel lightheaded, as if you’re not quite there. Same way? 

He continues on as Satoru leans against the wall, content to watch your reactions. “I, we, just assumed that you…I don’t know. We…” 

“How could I not?” you ask, voice breaking. “How could I not love both of you?” 

Before you can even react, Satoru is surging towards you, arms pressing you closer into his body as he holds you tightly. “You mean it?” he asks, voice uncharacteristically desperate. Needy for you, as he greedily savors the feeling of you in his arms. You can only nod, one hand twisting into the back of his sweater as you bury yourself into the slight hollow where his collarbone meets his shoulder. 

“Please,” Suguru breathes, taking your hand into his, rough fingers curling around the back of your hand as he strokes your palm with his thumb. “I know things aren’t going to be the same. We’re okay with that, we just…” He swallows, thickly, before pushing forward. “We just want to make things right, take things slow, and maybe then you can learn to love us again.” 

Gently, you pull yourself away from Satoru’s grasp. “It’ll be hard,” you admit, tugging Suguru up off the floor and towards you. “But, we’ll make it through.” A slight smile tugs on your lips, the sincerity bleeding through into the softness of your eyes. “Besides, I don’t need to learn how to love you two again.” 

“Especially because I never stopped.” 

Later, you’ll realize the depth of the Gojo’s betrayal to their son. Later, there will be just as many kisses as there are tears, plans to be made, and boxes to be packed. But for now, all you can feel is the overwhelming warmth in your heart as you finally allow yourself to be hugged by two of the people you adored most in the world. 

Welcome home. I love you.