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Rugby league game delayed as protestors stop wrong Canberra Raiders

By Khan Geddin

Tonight’s rugby league match between Wests Tigers and Canberra Raiders was delayed today due to protests outside the Bankwest Stadium.  Following the raid of ABC’s Ultimo office by the Australian Federal Police on 5th of June, many journalists and news broadcasters took group photos holding signs that read “Journalism Is Not a Crime”.  With strong government criticism growing, the words “raid” and “Canberra” filled social media the last two days.  Due to a misunderstanding, many thought the NRL team the Canberra Raiders were responsible for the online outrage.  Protests were formed on Facebook in a group named “Rugby Leaks” and went ahead, as planned, outside Bankwest Stadium tonight.  This caused a delay to the first grade game between the Riaders and Wests Tigers.  While the opening game from the women’s league was uninterrupted, due to not involving Canberra, the first grade game was delayed by a full minute due to the Raiders being blocked off from entry. Canberra Raiders fan, Pierce Doff stated, “It’s disgraceful that in 2019 people are misconstruing information by ignoring context.”  The leader of the protest, Miss Redd had this to say about the misunderstanding, “Look, we read something online and didn’t take the time to read into it more.  I saw a few sentences and drew some conclusions.  It’s only the fiftieth issue I’ve dived fully into without complete information.”  It has been claimed that frustration from the misunderstanding lead to the Raiders keeping the Tigers scoreless throughout the game.

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Opinion: How am I supposed to explain to my child that this talking aardvark is gay?

"It makes no sense"

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900 Doodlydoos

A mashup of Simpsons and Yeah by Usher (ft Lil' Jon and Ludacris

A look back at a classic track by The Simpsons.

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JK Rowling Reveals Harry Potter Reboot Plans

By James Fuller-Krappe Among the many things JK Rowling has revealed over the last year, this may be the biggest.  Starting in 2020 is a Harry Potter reboot set in Australia.  Here are the many changes Rowling has revealed from the upcoming series.

Titles: Harry Potter and the Swagman’s Billy Harry Potter and the Chamber Of Goonbags Harry Potter and the Dickhead Who Escaped Harry Potter and the Stubby Of Fire Harry Potter and the Order Of The Maccas Harry Potter and the Half Blood PM Harry Potter and the Deathly Shit Rumoured cast James Potter: Hugh Jackman Gilderoy Lockhart: Chris Hemsworth Vernon Dursley: Russell Crowe Bellatrix Lestrange: Margot Robbie Dumbledore: Ray Meagher (Alf Stewart from Home & Away/memes) Molly Weasley: Nicole Kidman Volderidoo: Ben Mendelsohn Peeves: Akmal Saleh Remus Lupin: Tim Minchin Mad Eye Moody: Hugo Weaving Narcissa Malfoy: Cate Blanchett

Characters’ nicknames Harry: Hazza Ron: Bluey Hermione: Hermy School Houses Gryffindor: Hoppingly (Kangaroo) Hufflepuff: Gumletree (Koala) Ravenclaw: Swoopingclaw (Magpie) Slytherin: Mostliwankas (Brown snake) Spells Getstuffed: Killing curse Movyerarse: Levitating spell Gimmeyashit: Disarming spell Pickyaloc: Door unlocking spell Bloodydarc: Light-summoning spell Hogwarts is in Canberra to stop arguments between Sydney and Melbourne. Wands are shaped like boomerangs. The Whomping Willow is called the Whacking Willow. Quiddich is dominated by Australia and New Zealand. The Weasley’s drive a flying Holden ute.  They are originally from Tasmania. Muggles are referred to as “wandless wankers”. Voldermort is called Volderidoo. Owls are kookaburras, rats are bandicoots, toads are cane toads. Vernon Dursley is from Queensland. Bunyips, yowies and drop bears are only viewable by those holding wands. The Malfoys were also originally from Queensland. Voldermort is also from Queensland along with every Slytherin.

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The Truth About Drop Bears

By Ube Ute

I am currently in Akazza Prison in Western Australia but smuggled in a phone to write this. Muggles (or as we call them here, “wandless dickheads”) need to know the truth about drop bears. A century ago, an English wizard by the name of Edward Kullin came to Australia. Upon visiting Ayers Rock, he encountered a drop bear. To keep the statute of secrecy, the Magic Parliament run by James Cool VII made drop bears impossible for people to see without their wands (hence “wandless dickheads”). Edward Kullin wasn’t a particularly bright fellow so he once asked a wandless dickhead to hold his wand while he visited the dunny (Aussie term for dunny, also the wand is literal here, not a double entendre). He told the poor fellow his wand was a fake boomerang he bought at a souvenir shop. Unfortunately, a drop bear was present behind them at that moment and was spotted by the wandless dickhead. A century later, Clive Palmer is the current leader of the Magic Parliament so if information is about to leak, he can say it first and nobody will believe him. Edward Kullin is currently in Akazza Prison for exposing his wand to a wandless dickhead. The drop bear aspect has been ignored until now because everyone believes made up stories about Australia anyway. A demazza (Aussie dementor) is passing by, I have to go.

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Concerning Bee Movie Rip-Off Announced

Written by Francis Li

Independant animation studio Animalation has announced their new film called Pretty Fly For a White Guy due for release in 2019.  The film is a loose rip-off of 2007′s Bee Movie.  While Bee Movie revolved around the relationship between a bee and a human, Pretty Fly For a White switches the sexes of its leads and trades the bee for a fly.  The film’s diptera lead will be fighting for justice against the fly swatter industry much like Barry B. Benson fought the honey industry.  The film has already drawn criticism from parents.  “We are fine with bee/human relationships and beast/human relationships but flies are a step too far,” says O. Fenndid of Parents Against Questionable Content.  “We will be boycotting the film when it’s released.”

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The Left vs Jews

I keep this blog (relatively) anonymous because I tend to make big claims or make fun of big issues and there is a tiny chance people might respond.  For this post, it seems more important than ever.  I am going to attempt to defend the left while also addressing their sever problem with Jews which has become particularly clear with the recent responses to the Women’s March.

I want to make something clear, I would be considered relatively leftwing by most but I am pro-Israeli which puts me at odds with many of my political peers.  This division has also lead many Jews to stick to voting conservative as they see the constant focus on Israel by some leftwing people to be concerning.  Since there are white supremacists who are rightwing and happen to be anti-Semitic, I see questionable views coming from both sides.  The Women’s March puts me in a particularly difficult position because it is a cause I do want to support.  Unfortunately, having Linda Sarsour & Tamika Mallory strongly involved has made that impossible as they directly and indirectly use their power to take aim at Jews and Israelis.  I do not think all people involved are anti-Semitic.  Many who support the Women’s March are also against anti-Semitism.  The issue is that unless the voices against Jews within the left are refused power, Jews will continue to feel pushed out of causes they would otherwise support.  With the Pittsburgh Synagogue shooting and Charlottesville still being recent memories and anti-Semitic attacks and graffiti being common occurrences, it is time for the left to call out the hypocrisy of their own anti-Semites and the continued disproportionate obsession with discussing Israel while ignoring human rights abuses is other Middle Eastern countries.

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Breaking The Illusion To Discuss Channel Awesome

I am going to keep this brief.  I wrote a bunch of joke headlines about Channel Awesome in response to #ChangeTheChannel and recently discovered that Channel Awesome itself blocked me on Twitter.  As a former fan who adored the site, I have to say I have no regrets.  While I am saddened that events could lead to me being blocked by them, I stand by the jokes I made because they were made because people I adore who were once on the site were leaving in huge numbers for reasons that were too consistent to be untrue.  When I saw Channel Awesome’s various reactions to these claims, I realised the time of supporting the site was over and that there was no way I could support the site while still being a fan of those hurt by it.  It is sad to be disliked by a site I was a fan of but it is no longer the same site I came across a few years back.  Dear Channel Awesome, I am sorry you felt that way and I am sorry that it came to this.

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Karl Pilkington Resigns As Minister for Home Affairs

Pictured above: Karl Pilkington

By Y. Dewey Needum

Australia’s Minister for Home Affairs, Karl Pilkington has resigned from his role after a failed attempt at taking over Prime Ministership. Current Prime Minister, Malcolm Allbull will remain in the role.

“Home Affairs, why do we need ‘em?” asked Mr Pilkington at a press meeting. “You shouldn’t be having affairs at all, let alone in your own home.”

“I have always said that you have to do your bit. I haven’t been doing my bit and I’m sick of it. There’s a lot of faffing.” Mr Pilkington said, before leaving the meeting.

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Kinder Surprise Still Banned In US

Pictured above: Weapons of mass destruction

By Wadda Cirprize

US Dictator Donald Trump has shot down claims that dangerous chocolate Kinder Surprise will become unbanned in 2018.

“Look, the US saw that Kinder Surprise caused a few deaths and we banned them.  We don’t want American kids dying from completely avoidable weapons.”  Trump told HaimMedia.

“We want to help the youth of today live long and happy lives without the threat that some terrorist or white person might give them a Kinder Surprise and potentially end their life.  These are very dangerous chocolates.  We had that huge massacre of three babies worldwide from these eggs and the US took action.  You don’t see any other country protecting their kids from danger like that and look how many have died from the chocolate.”

[movienightstheseries]

Here’s what’s going down with Channel Awesome, why the Google Doc was made, and a little bit about what’s happened since.

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Channel Awesome Enter Criticism Hurdles At Commonwealth Games 2018

By D. Niall

With the Commonwealth Games underway in Queensland, Australia, it has been revealed that the website Channel Awesome has entered Criticism Hurdles.

“We’ve been training hard, especially in the last month,” said CEO Mike Michaud. “We’ve been working hard on multiple techniques including the offload, avoidance, denial, victim blaming and defence. I’d say we’re prepared.”

When asked how the company qualified for the games despite not being part of the Commonwealth, Michaud responded, “We’ve never let facts and evidence stop us before. If anything, us being there shows our critique-avoiding skills. We’ve worked with people who were part of the Commonwealth. Most of them are gone but that’s just made us train harder.”

Betting company ComeOnWealth have the odds stacked against Channel Awesome. “They’ve taken some big losses. This event will be a real challenge for them. You may want to change the channel.”

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Channel Awesome Hires Logan Paul and PewDiePie To Write Apology

By Evy Dence

Reviewing website Channel Awesome is in a bit of a pickle. In the past month (and the site’s history in general), many claims have come out including financial management, harassment, verbal abuse, threats, mistreatment and being unable to label videos. These claims may or may not, slightly, indirectly involve multiple people in charge of Channel Awesome including CEO Mike Michaud, Mike Ellis, Doug Walker and Rob Walker. A 60+ page Google document containing information from multiple former employees and screenshot evidence has since been released as of yesterday.

In response, Channel Awesome did nothing, until finally being concerned about money and releasing a statement. The statement was co-written by YouTubers Logan Paul and PewDiePie known for being a rat and Nazi respectively. The statement was taken about as well as Logan Paul’s Japanese videos with major backlash from current and former fans who forgot to unlike the Facebook page.

“We wanted to release as genuine a statement and apology as we could.” Claimed Channel Awesome CEO Mike Michaud. “So we hired two YouTubers known for maintaining an audience despite never learning to improve their behaviour.

When asked what Channel Awesome is “apologising” for, Michaud said, “A bunch of baseless claims. It’s not like they have provided multiple screenshots along with input from multiple people formerly from the site. It’s just miscommunication. When presented with documents and screenshots, Michaud kicked Haines Media out of his gold-covered office.

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Todd In The Shadows Reveals Identity

Online music critic Todd In The Shadows has finally revealed his identity after years of speculation.  Todd In The Shadows made a name for himself in multiple ways.  Known for his love of Chris Brown and Shawn Mendez, the online reviewer has built up a huge following, particularly among the Fall Out Boy fanbase.

In a video titled “Todd In The Shadows Face Reveal”, the internet star removed his famous half mask and hoodie to reveal he is actually online reviewer Allison Pregler, famous for Obscurus Lupa Presents, Movie Nights and Baywatching.  In the video, Pregler discusses her decision to form a second reviewer persona.

“I have been portraying Todd In The Shadows for a very long time to escape having my face be posted everywhere online.  In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have done my other shows too then.  That’s why I put so many alternative songs in my Obscurus Lupa videos, so people wouldn’t know I was also Todd.  I accidentally messed that up when I revealed that Todd liked Green Day and My Chemical Romance in an online Q&A.  That’s when the cracks started forming.”

In response to other rumours about Todd’s identity, Pregler claimed, “That was all part of the plan.  I got one of Lindsay Ellis’ friends to imitate my Todd voice and appear in her videos briefly.  I also snuck him on screen in a few shots where his face was slightly revealed.  He has since been receiving tonnes of emails so I thought it might be time to reveal the truth.”

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Channel Awesome CEO Mike Michaud Resigns

By Chanel Orsum

Channel Awesome CEO, Mike Michaud, has announced his resignation from the site in a Facebook post.  Michaud has been at the receiving end of multiple allegations from former and even current employees.  In response to the allegations, Michaud wrote the following:

“Dear fans,

As leader of the greatest website in the world, I have achieved a lot.  I have built a metaphorical wall to stop people reviewers from outside Chicago out of the site.  I have successfully invested other people’s money into shows which were a huge success even if that can’t be proven.  I have been very good to our female contributors, very good.  You won’t find anyone nicer.  In recent weeks, and by recent weeks I mean years, accusations have come out against me and my minions Doug and Rob Walker.  These accusations are absolutely untrue which is why Channel Awesome has in no way tried to refute them.  But because I am such a nice guy, I am resigning from my position at Channel Awesome.  While I am not going to apologise and leaving won’t resolve the issues the Walker’s have been involved in, it will hopefully get the site more views.  I am not writing this as a publicity stunt but secretly making money off the website, I am definitely resigning entirely.

I would also like to announce that I am running for presidency in 2020.  I have been informed that I am well-suited to the role.  My fantastic economic management, consistency with rules, equal treatment and kindness to women makes me a perfect candidate to run America.

Thank you for your money. Regards, Mike Michaud (aka That Guy Without The Hair)”

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Christopher Robin Returns After We Said Goodbye Five Months Ago

By Peggy Wynn

Many people were left deeply confused by the teaser trailer for the upcoming film, Christopher Robin.  In October 2017, the film Goodbye Christopher Robin came out, marking the end of an era where fans could finally move on from any Winnie The Pooh stories.  The 2017 horror film left viewers feeling guilty for ever enjoying Winnie The Pooh stories as it showed the characters hunting down the titular child.  The film ended with Christopher Robin going into hiding under the name Moon to escape the vicious characters his father had created.  As such, viewers were left concerned that the film Christopher Robin would somehow force them to renounce guilt they felt in October last year.

“There is nothing scary about this film about a talking teddy bear visiting a man who’s been trying to escape it for decades.”  Claimed director, Marc Forster.  “This film is about a man slowly going insane, stuck in a war between reality and hallucinations caused by his father’s stories.  It’s a beautiful family film.” 

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Alternative Magazine Staff Sent To Rehab For My Chemical Romance Denial

Staff from alternative magazine companies, Kerrang and Alternative Press have collectively been admitted into rehab for withdrawals and denial from My Chemical Romance breaking up.  Despite having five years to come to terms with the band breaking up, staff from both companies continually insist the they are getting back together, a claim refuted by the band members multiple times.  Employees from fellow alternative magazine, Rock Sound, have also been given treatment but have mostly only reported actual information regarding the band in the last year or so.

“Kerrang staff are on the road to recovery,” claimed Don Li of Alternative Rehabilitation.  “They have admitted they have a problem and apologised to their followers regarding the misinformation.

Regarding Alternative Press’ staff, Li said, “They’re going to need a little more help.  They still haven’t admitted to having a problem.”

A spokesperson from the Alternative Music Journalist Union has said, “Working for an alternative rock publication has become very difficult for some workers.  We receive calls on a daily basis from employees struggling with the My Chemical Romance breakup.  We saw similar problems during the Fall Out Boy hiatus and, unfortunately, that has convinced many workers that this band is also just on hiatus.”  Employees from both companies are expected to recover within the next century or so.