Half-Baked Advice

A nihilistic hot mess and a sensitive, perceptive dog-whisperer. How've we managed to stay friends for over a decade? We know how to roll with the punches. Between the two of us, we've got advice for just about anything life throws your way. Ask us anything.

[half-baked-advice]

i’m hella ace, but i want to date and be in a relationship. how should i approach this? how do i explain it to people i’m dating? how do i even find people willing to date me? so far, i’ve been in one (1) relationship that lasted whole two months, and we never even kissed. you might say i’m pretty inexperienced in that matter. also full of insecurities. idk what to do. idk if people would even want to date me. idk if the problem’s my aceness, my personality or my face, or literally anything else, idk idk idk.

S: Hello! Thank you so much for the question(s)! First of all, I touched a little bit on this on our first post, but all throughout high school I never dated, kissed, was confessed to, or anything. At one point I was wondering if it was just me or my personality, my face or anything else just like you! When not many people show interest in you it can sometimes make you feel a bit insecure. Basically, you need to become comfortable enough with yourself to let go of the insecurity. Once you can do that, start small by just chatting with people that you are interested. If it makes you feel any better, in the relationship that I currently am in, I made the first move. I gave them my number and we dated for an entire summer, going on actual dates, without kissing or even holding hands at all.  Let yourself get comfortable with the person and if you’re interested in dating then don’t be afraid to make the first move. You do not have to explain to anyone that you are ace, if you’re going to kiss someone or anything, that will come naturally on it’s own time. Also sometimes you have to go through a lot of people to find the right person. Sometimes you just don’t click with people and it will have nothing to do with you. Don’t be afraid to just go for it.

C: Yeah, re: the ace thing—there will be people who will want to date you. I can guarantee it, you shouldn’t need to worry about that. As far as how you approach it, that’s entirely up to you. If you’re afraid of accidentally falling for an aphobe and getting hurt, you can lead with it and see where that takes you. Nothing wrong with some pre-screening of dating prospects.

S: In regards to finding someone to date… Try going to activities that you could find people that you could get along with (cons, clubs). Get out there a little more hang out with your friends and their friends. If you don’t have many friends like me, then maybe volunteer somewhere or talk to more people at your job or school. To meet people to date, sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone and go meet new people.

C: It may not be a bad idea to find some sort of LGBTQIA+ group to join? And I’ll be honest, I’ve never done the ask someone out and then get to know them thing. Everyone I’ve ever dated I’ve started out as friends (more or less, Stoner-Skater was just this moderately douchey guy in one of my classes who liked me and I was trying to get over someone else but like he’s an outlier and ANYWAY I digress). If you’re friends with someone first, you can talk to them about the ace stuff before you start dating. Then you can kind of skip past that, along with a lot of the “getting to know each other” phase, when you actually start dating. I know some people are leery about the whole “dating friends” concept, and say they don’t want to ruin a friendship, but I feel like it’s easier to start a relationship from some foundation rather than nothing. It is important to know that no matter how you approach dating people, you run the risk of wasting your time on people who aren’t worth it and getting hurt. But it’s important to put yourself out there anyway!

S: I think that we all have insecurities, like I said before you have to become more comfortable with yourself and let go of those insecurities before any relationship can even begin. You can still have those insecurities though, but you can’t let them control you. Learn to love yourself a little more. ☺ Good luck with your dating, let us know if this helps at all and give us any updates!

[half-baked-advice]

How do you cope with depression?

Today we’re talking about living with depression. Both of us have different experiences dealing with it, so we decided to both jump in on this topic.

C: I’ve been living with chronic depression for almost 9 years now. In that time, I’ve tried a lot of ways of coping and dealing. Never done the physically self-destructive thing, but I’ve seen it and I would not recommend it.

What I’ve found works is acceptance. Get to know your depression, accept it as a facet of your experience. It may change, but accept it as your normal. Once you do, it takes away a lot of the angst and power that depression has. I used to despair over my depression and freak out whenever I felt myself start to backslide. But that just added to it all and made it worse. Instead I got to know my brain. I approached it with open arms. I learned to listen to and interpret the warning signs. I got to know my depression as a part of my biology. And that made it easier to handle.

I’m not talking about giving up, or saying that your depression is part of who you are as a person and can’t change. All I’m saying is that in my experience, getting “comfortable” with my depression made it easier to manage. Basically, I approach it the same way I do my period. Whether I like it or not, it is currently a fact of my biology and I have to manage it. I’ve gotten to know my own symptoms and patterns well enough that I know when other things will help (painting my nails, watching a familiar movie, taking a shower) and when I just have to push through. Bottom line: there’s no one way to “manage” depression, no magical solution that you can find in some online listicle or how-to. You have to get to know it and find what works for you. - Carmen

S: I think that the first time that I became aware of my depression, I was online talking to a good friend of mine. I have no idea what we were talking about, but out of the blue she asked me if I was depressed. The question stunned me. Though I knew that I was not happy, the word depression had never crossed my mind. Explaining my life and childhood would be a very long story, but depression was something that I lived with for a large part of my life, but mental health issues were not something that I knew very much about.

Hearing her words was like I had been hiding under a blanket and her words had torn that blanket off of me and uncovered the ugly truth. I was depressed. That was while I was in high school, but I kept it to myself. I am brown. I grew up in a brown family. You don’t have to be a POC to experience these things, but the kind of environment that I grew up in was one that taught me to suppress my emotions. There were no feelings of a close familial bond. I grew up being taunted and ridiculed so I kept my feelings to myself and went through the motions of life. Not once did I think to talk to someone about it or to seek help. A few times I thought about self-harm, but in the end, I didn’t do it.

Fast forward to my first year of college. My depression became debilitating and my days became filled with emptiness. I would sit in bed for the entire day in my messy room, not even bothering to get up and get food. The only thing that got me out of my dorm to go eat and do things was my boyfriend. After that first year of college I couldn’t bear moving back in with my family so I was crashing in my boyfriend’s place and a few weeks after that I became extremely ill. That illness led to more struggle and at one point I found myself sitting in the parking lot of my job paralyzed with anxiety and depression for hours.

I feel like the first step to managing your depression is recognizing it and acknowledging it. The next step is seeking help! After my break down/anxiety attack, I went to the hospital where they gave me a little test that kind of ranked my depression and gave me a list of psychiatrists/therapists that I could see. I was also recommended to take get anti-depressants, but I chose not to though that is definitely a good route to go and there is no shame in it. I just personally know myself and know that I am terrible with taking medication consistently.

Things that help me when I am feeling worse than usual is just getting out of bed and taking care of myself/showing myself extra love. I always have a face mask lying around and deep conditioning my hair is another way that I show myself a little bit of love.  If I have a list of things to do that my depression is keeping me from doing, I take the smallest easiest thing to do from the list and usually that gets the ball rolling. Making sure that I’m getting enough sleep keeps my emotions more under control and though it’s extremely hard to do at times, exercising regularly/eating semi-healthier does help me feel better, as lame as that sounds. Also making sure that I go out in the sun whenever I can helps too. Granted, I always struggle with my depression and anxiety, but these little things have personally made dealing with it easier. Some days or years are harder than others, but it’s something that I live with and am trying to cope with.  Definitely seek help! If you cannot afford a therapist or doctor visit/medication then there might be resources in your town or city that can help you! If you have any more questions or need personal advice, please message us. (sorry this is so long!!!) Love always,                         Shay

[half-baked-advice]

Question: When should you be concerned about not having an s.o. yet?

S: Something that I see very commonly is people posting online about how they’re 16 or 20 or 21 and they have never dated someone. There’s no time limit on getting your first significant other so never let yourself feel bad for not having met someone by a certain age! Even if you’re 30 years old or however old you may be; don’t let yourself feel ugly or unwanted. It happens at different times for different people. Nothing is wrong with you!

I personally met my boyfriend at my first job (McDonald’s) when I was 18. My previous experience with guys were… well I had none. I had never kissed a guy, no one had ever asked me out before or confessed their feelings to me. Oh!!! Well I had done some talking to guys online before, but none of those relationships with guys ever led to anything serious? The conversations with my boyfriend generally would consist of work topics (how busy work was so far). We had very brief conversations, but I found him to be cute and nice and my work had given me some better social skills, so after a few days of small talk, I actually ended up writing my number on a napkin and handing it to him while we were both working. A few days later we started texting, he asked me out, and we started dating. That was all in the summer of 2013.

If you feel as if you are ready for and open to having a relationship then here are some suggestions! Get a job or join a club! You can meet lots of new people this way, which can lead to relationships! Don’t be shy at school (university or high school) if you see someone that you like, try to make up some casual conversation about whatever is happening in school or class! Online is a good place to find people as well, but make sure that you are safe and never give away too much information at first. If you’re going to date exclusively online, then you should webcam them, talk to them on the phone, and see pictures (but most importantly skype or facetime!!! We’ve all watched catfish). Have a puppy? Go to a dog park and socialize yourself and your dog!

You can bump into your future partner anywhere at any time, but those are just a few suggestions on where you can go to meet people. When I met my boyfriend though, I wasn’t searching for a boyfriend. Sometimes you’ll meet someone when you just aren’t looking so don’t become obsessed with the idea of it. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself first and reaching your dreams and goals! Love always,                         Shay

C: It depends on how important being in a relationship is to you, of course, but I’m inclined to say: don’t stress. There is no clock running out on when you can find someone you enjoy spending time with. Besides, romantic relationships aren’t inherently more meaningful than platonic ones. So if it’s societal pressure that’s making you feel like you need someone to be complete, tell society to fuck off. That being said, if you do genuinely want to be in a relationship, I can sympathize.

I’m what the kids call a serial monogamist. I started dating when I was in middle school—and I mean really dating, like going on dates and stuff, not just saying you are dating. My history with that goes all the way back to like age 5 or something. Anyway, in the decade-ish since I started dating, I have had 7 relationships with varying degrees of success. I regret probably 2 of them. I am not a person who feels comfortable being single. (I also had a problem saying no to people for years due to some bullshit childhood trauma, which was behind like half those relationships.) And you may say, “Carmen, you have no right giving advice about this shit! You’re in a relationship right now! You haven’t been ‘single’ for more than a month in over 4 years.” And hey, that’s fair. HOWEVER. Shay and I’s dynamic is based on her having common sense and therefore good advice, and me making lots of mistakes and therefore knowing what not to do. And here’s the short version of what I’ve learned from those 7 relationships: you can find people anywhere and be compatible with anyone. The whole concept of soulmates is Hollywood bullshit and puts too much stress on finding the “one”. Spoiler: they don’t exist. What does exist is varying levels of compatibility. And you won’t know until you try! So if being in a relationship is important to you, talk to people. Find someone who you enjoy hanging out with. That’s most of what an adult relationship is, anyway. Cotton Candy and I spend most of our time either watching TV, cooking, or talking about life and our mutual friends while we fall asleep. I met him through the theatre group on campus. Other relationships started through classes, swimming, or mutual friends. You can meet people anywhere. But the most important thing? Take the pressure off. Let yourself move at your own pace. There’s no checklist you have to follow to find love at certain times. You will be okay, I promise.

Take care of you. - Carmen

[half-baked-advice]

You’ve reached the end!

C: That’s it, we don’t have any more advice posts! Sorry! Got a question for us? A suggestion for a topic? Submit shorter inquiries here and longer ones here.