Stuttering over my steps with continous commentary @halfawakeinsallad - Tumblr Blog

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The moments silence is allowed to hit me, I get intrusive thoughts that summarized are basically telling me an array of disturbing ideas. They range from life is fleeting to nothing and no one is real. They are so fundamental and engrained that my body has taught me find anyway to detach myself from these disrupting or negative thoughts. I thought I was finally coping well with my trauma but now I fear it has taken a deeper power within myself and I am terrified at it resurfacing.

The biggest secret kept from myself is the one about being a victim to my past mistakes. I can not recall what exact memory it is stemming from but it is from my psychosis, a certain belief or delusion I had come up with at the time. Something that made my pattern of thinking into a repeated loop that I am forever stuck in. I grow frustrated with this because my brain freezes on words I once knew, words that would allow me to communicate and be seen. Words that would allow me to ask for help and better yet, know what to ask for.

When I start to focus on plan of actions that would help myself, I soon repeat the cycle and forget everything from the last 5 minutes. Memories are no longer retrievable besides what people have told me and ones that I have rehearsed myself. My mind can go completely blank and often seems like it is clinging onto anything nearby to distract myself from the wallowing child inside me.

Its been two years since therapy and two years since I've allowed this suffering voice inside me to reach the surface. It is not fair to my past self that I have to keep locking away in a box every couple of years because of the terrors she faced. She is in so much pain, so much anguish and she is stuck there so I, a mediocre and half alive adult, can continue to clock in every day for a job.

I feel like a prisoner in a decorated cell forced to endure the insanity of realization over and over again. I am consistently torn between submission and fear. Between an apathetic and complacent life or life with pain, fear and freedom.

I used to think death could free me but now I am believing it is the thing that cages me. I am terrified of the unknown and bitter to my own comfort. I can no longer ask myself what to do because it is my own voice inside me that terrifies me the most. Yet the closest to me can not scratch this itch and people feel further than ever away from me.

Member that time I flew to Portland to avoid all my problems?

♡︎

Been finding a lot of old media lately which i feel like is a sign as I move onto this next section of my life.

Aging for me has not been the easiest as I’ve transitioned into a vastly different lifestyle but I’m starting to realize that the craziness will always be there, just in vivid memories. I’ve lived so fully over these years; I’ve experienced extreme trauma and have had my fair share of daring fun. Looking back, it’s been the perfect balance of the two that has built me into the adult I am today which has allowed me to appreciate both. And believe it or not, I love the person I’ve become. So does the wounded child I once was, the rebellious teenager I embodied and now the full grown woman I am that nurtures all of my past selves. Aging is scary to my inner child but along with age comes healing. It is not easy and it is a constant process but it IS possible. I feel I am able to give such an abundance of love to the people in my life now and it has been one of the most rewarding gifts. If not heal for yourself, heal for the people around you. Your self love will follow in suit as you learn shame, guilt and regret has no place in your heart.

tastelikesallad

Dear you,

You are the subject of most of my unrequited love letters and adoration. Even though quite minimal has happen between us, I still find you intriguing and inviting. I feel like I have already seen myself fall in love with you and I can see the future. Now what it details to specific, I may not know but I do know I want to explore the rest of your mind along with your flesh. I want to feel your hairs stand up as I give myself to you. Both in body and soul. So much I could say about my inflated thoughts that include you but all I seem to really speak to you is simple, ungiving words. I want you. I want you so much that sometimes in the most clique way, it hurts. And where did this come from? Yes the unspoken eye contact, the unspeakable of my desires and untouchable of wrong. I think of you in the midst of my loneliness and also in the middle of my smiles. You are always there in me in the moments I wish to share. Not with just anyone, but with the idea of you. And I don’t know who or where I am going but I do know I want to share part of my adventurous story with your imprint on part of it. I don’t care how it ends, you can murder me in my chest and I will stay thank you for the stab wounds. Now please just grab me out of this reality and give yourself to me, and we can get lost in the moment of we. Or was that too sentimental, to much passion and heart for you? Is it time to run away back into your pile of unwilling girls? I’d give you my body and my soul, in exchange for a couple more moments filled with your presence. You already had me under a fucking spell. Now just kiss me before I yell.

tastelikesallad

Finally starting to write the story i’ve been thinking about. The opening line will be a journal entry from me awhile back about V. I wonder if he ever read it. I don’t know if I remember showing it to him. Well heres what I wrote, a little cut down but not edited.

“I realized I was in the shadow of beauty, merely a sidekick. Him, misunderstood, beautiful and sensual with a tad of evil begging to be released. Him. A concept that was so complicated and captivating, it’d be the center of plots for many stories to come. And there was I. I who amount to nothing compared to him. He’d be the constant battle I could never win and as shaped my world to fit his, I had the sudden realization of how I was being used in the middle of his pursuit or even greater downfall, I would only be remembered as a speck of dust begging to shine. I’m in love with someone incapable of loving me and I drown myself in the constant pain and persistent reminders of what I will never amount to.’

tastelikesallad

Stop stop stop. You flood my thoughts with how much I miss you. I love you like the sun loves it’s surface and I will never forget you as you are the foundation to my reality. If only you could leave my dreams for the once same walks we talked, I wouldn’t still have you as my 5 am thoughts. And as even other boys run through my vision when it comes to rationality, you are still my philosophy. I haven’t talked you in a year yet your Facebook speaks everything in visioned in between lines It’s all delusion in my obsession and infatuation with the boy who once tied me up.

tastelikesallad

I realize I never want to give up on the thought of you. It’s been almost two years now and I still have you fresh in my head. The persistence fading but your preserved image still intact. Ive made my self delusional with thinking you’ll be back in my life someday but I face the rather now and realize the unlikely hood specially since you have a girlfriend right now.

tastelikesallad

Saw the fault in our stars. Of course I thought of you. These days I’m better at distancing the reminders of you but that was one thing I could not tune out. I remember when I read the book, I imagined it was us falling in love. Us saying all those things to each other. We played the roles. I highlighted my favorite quotes. All the ones that stood out. I gave you the book. Oh god, If only then I could see how clique it was of me. What a teeny book. Its actually kind of a terrible story. I would now lend you choke. If you still were in my life. I want to so desperately just talk to you. That is all I wish. To have a conversation like old times and discuss things. One of my biggest regrets was how I handled having you in my life. So overcome with emotion and lust and love. I abused it. I abused it so much. And I wish I could explain the shame and guilt I still experience today for how I acted back then. I loved you so much. You were the only person to ever truly see me. To take time and get to know me. I wish I could of saw back then how that was enough. But I wanted more and more, I was so greedy.

tastelikesallad

Today I was asked what is my biggest insecurity. I told her that it was being deemed crazy.

I lied.

I am insecure about these words never amounting to anything. I am terrified that I am not cared for. That I mean simply nothing to everyone who has ever surrounded me. That I will die alone. That I will never be able to be with a boy again. That I will close myself so far off that the true me will never be seen and I will never have the chance of falling in love again. I am insecure about the way I sit, the way I look. Oh man, my looks? I could write for hours about the way my face, too masculine, would never be appreciated. Mostly by myself. I believe far too often that I sit in the sea of ugly fishes. I worry about my self hatred being evident. That you can see through my crooked smiling leading back to my repeating thoughts of how I will never look or do enough for this world. Forever inadequate as I am surpassed by people I took for granted.

I am insecure about my wits. For I believe most people I know think I do not own any. I am insecure about my past. About my sexuality. About never being fully wanted.

Title, if you want one

I’ve lost my passion for art. It seems my fingers have given up and decided to live a lazy life, just grabbing the next handful of popcorn and hitting the remote every so often. It seems my body finds the horizontal position a new home to settle in at all times. It seems any minor inconvenience is an uphill battle with knights attacking at both ends. It seems it seems.

How did I end up here? How did I find myself so lazy that I stopped doing the one thing that I absolutely loved. Myself and I don’t have the best relationship right now but I would be lying if I denied how unbelievably comfortable I am with life. For the first time in my years I feel like I can relax and kick off the shoes.

Part two

I eat cigarettes for dinner. My hands lied when I said I lost my passion, turns out all I needed was some drugs. A cold hard fix that’s as dangerous as child proof toy. Maybe this will be the answer to all my problems. If life’s bored fuck it up. But I don’t feel as if I’m fucking up like I have before in the past. I say smoking a little bit of weed is more like making colors come out of the wall exciting. It’s taboo being high and truthfully not always a cake walk with happy feelings but it’s an experience. It’s my experience. And I get to imagine things that weren’t there before. I get to have conversations that I wasn’t thinking of. I get to see a envision a room different than the one I’m sitting in and I think of that as art. I used to always want to be an escape artist but what if I was just plainly an artist. There’s no escape where I come from but we can make it a prettier room.

I thought I knew the answer to it. I thought I figured it out because I was exhausted of living like I had this past decade. I knew I was not cured of anything but I thought I was m a i n t a i n i n g so tell me God, tell me why I’m here with screams inside my head and a pit throbbing inside because I don’t want to do this anymore.

It’s not suppose to get to this point, not this time. You see, I was doing shit right for once in my life. I’ve been sober. I gone back to school, I found a job I am passionate about and yet I still have the flowing thoughts of emptiness. I guess my bruises from before really haven’t healed. Every time someone rejects me, it runs to the back of my mind to stand in line with everyone else i’ve encountered. I don’t see faces nor remember names, I just feel the weight of how wrong I am in this world. How constantly unwanted I am.. I’m at the stage where I am pleading for help but not conductively because I know its not real help. Anyone coming to help is just obligation. No one actually listens to you anyways. They feel responsible, and or guilty so a couple people send a I love you! text if they’re emotionally adept. For the first time in my life I AM sober I guess this intense feeling is justified, because drugs are not to blame for it. A unhealthy life style is not the cause nor are the bad, self destructive decisions. I was and am doing things text book right, and I am still not wanted by this world. My body aches staying here.

Even with this bright future, which please understand I do see one sometimes. I have hopes and dreams to accomplish that I get so passionate about but I am so tired of being bullied every direction I turn. I am so exhausted of the struggle I have to fight maintaining this life and getting to that point. I have so many things I have to overcome on different levels and then this constant treatment i’ve always received because people are dedicated to misunderstanding me makes this fight not worth it anymore.

My sweet Sammy though, he tries so hard to understand and be there for me. He’s one person whose never rejected me. Hes why I keep pushing through it.

Dear Ana

This has been a letter that I’ve been internally debating about writing over the last couple months. Part of me wants to thank you and tell you how you were right. I wish I wasn’t so stupid and blind to what was happening in front of me, including my own deterioration of self that you were clear to see. I have to take some responsibility for the events that followed after you kicked me out. It has not been easy though, because the other part of me wanted to blame you and say fuck you for rejecting me after you saw such an intimate side of my life. I was desperate need of help and I could not speak out in a healthy manner to ask for it. I also realize it was never your place to save a girl you just met from her self. I know now what you were looking at and even though the pain of self destruction is never an easy ride, I was falling apart. I do not know if you care to learn what followed or if you have turned all empathy and likeness for me off after everything that happened which I know you do to toxic people as a defense. As I said though its been more of me needing closure and to get these words off my chest and let go of all anger from the past.

You were right about chase. From the beginning he was a parasite that I got lost in. I take fault though for falling into such a toxic relationship. Its honestly deteriorated my whole life but I was also the one who was blind. The abuse started small and I always found ways to defend it. It also was part of the newly drug haze i’ve been induced too. This was happening around the time we started to not talk as much. I relapsed pretty harshly. Though it was partially due to this manipulative monster that i let into our home, I also made the decision to take the substances he was handing out to me. This is the part that makes it easy to forgive you. You didn’t see behind the close doors of what was happening and from your perspective I was doing everything I said I wasn't going too.I was only thinking about it from my point. I was working on gaining a safe distance from him while you were being a hard ass about your boundaries plus i did not want to lose the new apartment and relationship I’ve gained moving in, but I was slow and you were fast to make action. I’d admire it honestly, its badass how you look after yourself and its something i’ve been working on these past couple months of getting better. I’ve been quick to make change when things have gone south,not from the start though as we’ve learned.

Chase quickly moved in without my consent and when I started to become increasingly unstable due to this life style I was trying to keep up with, he was combative. The times I tried to kick him out, he’d threaten me with my weak spots and for a couple months I was living this horrible nightmare with a man who was entangled with all the evil I’ve ever witnessed. Friends and family were worried and saw what was happening but again I was quiet and did not want to admit to my stupidity, the one you were warning me about. Even with the stealing and abuse. Things hit a tipping point when he assaulted me while driving my car. The events of that night are some of the haziest memories I have but I could never forget his brunt impact and death threats. Its somethings that has been engraved in my memory. To escape from his irrational abuse, I had to jump of my car and as he took off with every possession I owned aside from my camera, I laid in a curled position on the street sobbing from the pain. I didn't move for what seemed like eternity. The cops found me and helped me gain enough sense to make of what happened. I was still so dumb that I pleaded not to press charges and to just take me to my parents house. I’ve never felt such disgust for myself as I did when I showed up on their door step covered in bruises and dirt. They say abuse is never your fault but I could not stop myself from taking blame for this. At the time I was still blinded from intoxication of the relationship. I couldn't move my jaw for a week and my whole body ached whenever I moved.

Waking up the next day to the initial realization of the reality that our relationship laid in, I hated the man almost more than I hated myself. From a distance I kindly and firmly asked him to leave and there would be no charges pressed. These are details that we can skim over though, basically the fucker would not get out of my house. He trashed it and for a weekend I felt as helpless as you can imagine watching the cops walk away undefeated from kicking this man out of MY apartment. He ruined everything I owned and worked for, including my own mental stability. Eventually I pressed enough charges and got him out. He ran away though, back to his home city I’m assuming. He was gone from life almost as quickly as he destroyed it. I wish to say that its made it easier to heal but sometimes I feel like it all happened in my head and he was just some ghost I made up to blame all my insecurities and self destruction on.

That is the part of the story I wish I could say got better after this all happened but it did not. This again was something that opened my eyes to the side you were seeing and that I was failing to always take responabililty for. I lost my job, continued my drug abuse until I was so low that I just wanted to end it all. Again my life always seems to end up at this point and I recognize through my own habits and never dealing with life struggles in a healthy manner that I put myself in this position, no matter the trauma that lead up to it.

I was saved though, through my support system that seems to never want to give up on me no matter how low I see my worth. They saved my liver in time and luckily it wasn’t a painful ordeal as it could of been. Though it did some major damage to my liver and I know have no choice but to quit drinking as it makes me incredibly sick sometimes. It also made me tell the truth of my xanax abuse to my mother and my doctor, putting me on the right medication and getting away from a toxic script that I let control my life.

Now this is where I am at in the story, writing this currently. I wish again, I could say I learned my lesson but my stupidity was always persistent. I relapsed one day and bought some xanax from a man I did not know personally. It was laced. I blacked out for what seemed like an entire night and day but what was happening was a unconscious nightmare. I was most likely was taken advantage of with my lack of ability to consent. Trying to escape the situation (the only thing i can really assume to make sense of why I would get behind the wheel) I started driving on the wrong side of the freeway. So. Fucking. Stupid. Of. Me. I rightfully so got arrested and charged with felony.

At first I was filled with anger and even more resentment. Why me, I kept thinking its not my fault. If you didn't kick me out or if I never would dated chase I would not be here. Or even if I never started to date Joel I would of never started drinking again. I was desperate to make sense of my circumstances. The story went viral and I was everywhere under everyones judgment. I started putting everyone else down, trying to gain some movement for defending myself. In the end though, I was the one who made the decisions leading up to everything that has happened. I could blame you or chase all I want, but the truth remains and I will remain unhappy until I decide to take responsibility for how my life has turned out. With doing this, I find myself accepting the harsh truths of where I’ve put myself at easier. I find saying things like you will be okay even with the bleak outcome of what I put myself into and with hard work and dedication I can overcome this addiction and instability I’ve always found at the core of my life.

What life has been like the past couple months.

Can you love a parasite?

I'm conflicted as i need freedom and space yet I feel you feeding on everything around me and let you occupy all free space I once had while I stay silent. I resent you increasingly every day with more and more vigilance than deserved. I do promise I feel a certain love for you and I mean it when I say those words. I, however don't like this corner you have me backed into because you have failed to take care of your life and at preventing certain situations from happening that now involve me. That is where my anger stems from most. Now this is all a we problem because I care for you and can't just let myself just watch you be engulfed by the casualties of your negligence. And you don't have a place to escape from or friends to keep you busy. So I'd adhere to nonstop company though I've lost my patience and soon enough myself.

Im selfish, maybe I'm really the parasite. But then again I'm also 23 and never agreed to this kind of scarfice for something I don't find myself enjoying a noticeably large amount.

That man, oh man

He swept me up in this spell that had me hypnotized from the beginning.

I knew I was slipping further away from sanity, how I was letting go of all rational thought because man is he charming as hell.

So charming that I let the excessive drug use and persistence even after the nos continue. I looked passed because he eventually did stop and i partake in the casual drug use how hypocritical could I be? I mean i made it okay.

Even with the slap, I justified it because of some silly reasons and just kept getting convinced more and more that it's my fault and he didn't mean it, that he unconditionally loves me and it's the best I'll get.

Then I've got to this point, where I've snapped. I'm irrational, with the highest of highs and lowest of lows ready to burn a fire down to finish this war that has raged inside of my mind. I'm not okay, I'm being this monster that I've been trying to control the last two years. Really this time I do believe it's my fault. And I don't know when to stand my ground of what's respectable and what's taking advantage of, where is the line because my eyes are so tired of trying to decipher what I'm suppose to endure in the name of "love". I already feel like I've lost him anyways. That I'm just here to be used until he finds new means to sustain his life. And pathetic me is feeding the idea that the death of this relationship is entirely my fault. It doesn't help with comments like I do this to all my ex's and "no wonder you've been inustitionalized." And while he's down stairs about to head over to one of his former drunk girlfriends, he's contemplating if my isssues are worth the relationship.

I feel worthless, like always.

Maybe it is me,

Maybe IM the problem. I think I need to stop running from this idea that I'm sane and okay and start facing facts that I need to get better before I can sustain any type of functional relationships.

It seems

i’ve retreated into my old ways. now im on a unsteady boat thats constantly hitting high tides with large pulls.

I fell back in love. Joel, you beautiful soul. You got me again. But we both know what you choose. And I can’t be mad because you want to follow a passion outside of me. It hurts but I’ve been slowly building up to deal with it for awhile now...

And by building up I mean increasing my drug use and alcohol intake. Downers to drown out everything around because my life seems so unfulfilling and boring. I’ve lost myself in the sea of other people and now that they are being drained from my life, i no longer am afloat.

Met someone new, unexpected. He feeds my compulsive nature and I feel myself slipping further into escaping myself. Through sex or pills, I’ve partially lost my grip.

I want a life outside of men. I dont want to be controlled by other people and I wish I had more going on than to be bothered with minuscule stupid shit like this. i’m just distracting myself from the fact that I am not happy with where I am in life and instead of doing anything about it, I’m silencing it.

I,...I thought

Nothing. I did not think. I’m an action-less coward.

In the span of 6 weeks I have lost a lot of aspects of my life. My job, gone. My boyfriend this past year? Its no longer we. And since we shared our home, I am now back under my parents roof. Its not that I am always miserable, quite the opposite. But right now its all hitting me and instead of jumping on that train to ride out of town, I am forced to be flat among the motionless rocks that lay beneath the tracks.

Its my fault. I fell out of love. I wanted different things, I love him dearly but I was missing the IN part. I was not good to him in my efforts to cut ties. I was confused and uncertain, scared. So I went back to an old lover, my first love.

The sparks and energy between us two were unreal. But we all know that old flames end for a reason, right?

No we don’t. Every time I see that man I fall in love with the idea of love and “us” and I get swooped away in his essence. He was home for me, my first home outside of myself. Yet we’re still the same people we once were and no matter the strong consequences of passion, reality of rationality usually hits us pretty hard. I will always admire and fall for him harder than I ever can for anyone in the future. It saddens me but he deserves the love I could give to him. I have so much and I know we can be great.

Yet we wont. People are people, stuck in their ways.

and

sammy I made you a casualty in this fucked up game, I am forever sorry. Some nights I wish I could still crawl to you. You’ve loved me so well and greatly and I wish I was able to return it. I really do. I’ve never met someone who cares about me as you do, truly.

In the end, fuck boys. Life is happening, Times a’tickin. I should just leave this city and deal with finical black lash when I get back... If only I could be so brave. And not crazy about another person.

Its been two years since Jessica has passed away. I’m looking at old playlists and i’ve come across one that i made on the morning of my Aunts wedding. We were all so excited, jumping around the hotel room at the happiness that was happening. It was so overwhelming that I decided to make a “wedding” playlist for the feelings we were all experiencing that day. Jessica was right by my side, jamming out to every song. She was genuinely happy that day. She always was happy when others were around her. She cared about her family and I believe she fought those demons because of that. I always miss her. I like thinking about her and our memories. We grew up together and I wish she still here to but I can make do with memories like that and the love I know shes shown for me.

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Stuttering over my steps with continous commentary