We'll Go Through Hell But We'll Carry It So Well

[tastelikesallad]

practicing a new poem i wrote

[tastelikesallad]

My life is a series of compulsions.

I need to get this off my chest. Since the idea popped in my head a total of 20 minutes ago, I can’t shake the feeling that I NEED to do it.

What if I just got up and ran away from here? The desert steadily drains me and the relationships here feel almost identical to maintaining mundane job responsibilities that I no longer want but only feel obligated to.

I find myself romanticizing articles such as the one where the man takes a letal amount of painkillers, walks off into the forest, and buries himself in a book until he peacefully dozes off.

I don’t want to die. But it makes me worry that I still find myself wishing to be in this fantasy world that drugs create. I realize it’s my surroundings. I am. So. Bored. Here.

And everyone around me will scream stay stay fight fight! Fight to be normal and a functional member of society!

But I am terrified that the closer I get to this idea that society puts out, the more of a bomb I will become. You can’t teach a fish to climb a tree. I don’t think I’m meant for this day to day life of their precieved idea of productivity. One day I will explode and it will leave a line of casualties. At this point I would like to point to them and say, you did this from expecting something from someone I am not. This is from you projecting what you thought I should be instead of accepting me for what I am- which at this point is undefinable and that is okay! I want to yell at them to stop being scared and trying to control things you dont understand nor can predict.

But at the same time, I hate myself for not being able to sit comfortably with the idea that I am doing what I am *supposed* to be doing. I have a constant and reoccurring compulsion to just get up and change every single thing about my life. I know, after years of experience of giving in to this, that it does not bring me happiness. It’s a greater compulsion for self destruction than anything else. Maybe I ultimately fear settling? Being the norm of operating adults who just quietly sit in their resentments and regrets and ignore their old day dreams that led to a life of a greater possibility?

Who knows what path I will take. This week alone will be one for defining.

I hope the ones I do love here in this desert understand my choices someday.

I can’t be chained to what other people want for me. And I’m sorry for giving the false hope that I could be *saved* by their definitions. I just hope they see that I have been saved, by their love. And their continuing support for me exploring myself in ways they couldn’t understand. I love them. But I need to love myself as well and this desert isn’t watering me in the ways I need.

I’m too much of a coward and I know I wouldn’t fully commit to a life of change if I do it gradually, so I truly hope they understand the possible decision to quietly sneak out of this place and go awol for awhile. They’ve given me so much to take care of myself so I hope they have faith in themselves as well to know I will be okay. Or more than okay than if I didn’t do what I needed to do.

[daddyfuckedme]

[tastelikesallad]

I once believed in love. I had this vision for it and how it would engulf me with certainty that I am undeniably in love. Instead at age 23 I am left with only questions and myself. The causalities I’ve left behind in this search for what I always thought would scream from rooftops about how this is the person, this is the right choice, never came and soon my murderous spree of believing I could give myself to people I wasn’t sure of caught up with me. 

[1000drawings]

by Dina Lepchenkova

[halfawakeinsallad]

What life has been like the past couple months. 

[0a29]

[rohie-deactivated20191102]

im the cat

[jackvanzet]

Jack Vanzet

[jackvanzet]

https://www.instagram.com/jackvanzet/

[jjasinski]

[palmandlaser]

[eridanampora]

if u ever want to stop having feelings just masturbate b/c at the peak of orgasm the human brain is incapable of processing emotion

[dorkstrider-blog]

inspirational

[wordsnquotes]

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” 

― Robert Frost

[latadelixo]

[skrillex-band-deactivated201606]

chilling

[tastelikesallad]

Dear joel, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. It might have to do with the reviving of my old cellphone that is a giant time capsule of us being happy together or it might be the fact that my current relationship is rockier than most mountains with a paved trail and I’m always lost wondering where am I going in life. Besides all that, it is a fact that you’re a reoccurring thought in my head over these past years and even in my dreams which mildly weirds me out because I have an itching to see your face but I know nothing of you now. Theres something I never told you, given the fact we stopped talking closely almost 4 years ago so there was never really a time I could tell you. A couple months after that last time I really saw you, I was driving home from work and every now and again it would hit me what a mistake it was I made and how happy you made me on top of the brutal impact of recognition that it was all gone. I was also moving to Flagstaff in a week so I was extra sentimental. I was driving home and really, genuinely missing you when this National song came on and for some reason I knew it would be such a mistake to not let you know that I was still very much in love with you and how much you meant to me so I impulsively decided to drive to your apartment on my way home and surprise you. Yet to my dismay and very anti-climatic night, you weren’t home. And even though I knocked and waited about 10 mins, I decided maybe that was a sign. Plus you were probably already moving on from me, I was turning into someone you didn’t like anymore and our lives would no longer intertwine by any means of fate. I wish I had known back then that our lives would rarely intercept and now four years later I have no idea who you are. I never knew I would still wonder about you to this day, ask myself if he wonders about me and if i’ll ever forgive myself for taking our relationship for granted. I want to know how the last four years have treated you, and if your family is doing better. There is so much I wish to hear from you and to even just see you. These feelings are overwhelming and I didnt know they would be here even after so long. You will probably never see this and knowing the way life goes, i’ll probably never see you again. I miss you though. You sincerely made me happy. And I hope you are happy now.

[thequotejournals]

Look, let me put it this way: with me, you’re number one and there isn’t even a number two.

Charles Bukowski, Women  (via thequotejournals)

[expressyourself-draw]