[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

Trying to write this while I’m mostly calm so It hopefully makes sense and isn’t too dramatic. I don’t think I’ll be posting here for a while since im so deeply broken down I honestly want to cry whenever I do try to post. I don’t have the energy to try anymore I’ve been trying for roughly 5+ years to make friends, find support for me and my ideas, and finally feel safe and accepted but at this point I have to accept that’s never going to happen for me.

Even if I do learn to draw I’m so fucking terrified of failure, rejection, and the Monkie kid community as a whole I don’t know if I’d actually be able to post it. I have a lot of current and past trauma that’s heavily centered around constantly being ignored and excluded that has only been made worse through so desperately trying to find a place here. I appreciate the few people who were consistently here more than they could ever imagine they bring me so much joy but unfortunately my main experience here especially over the past few years has only really only made all of my depression and mental health issues worse it honestly makes me feel even more alone then I already do.

It’s incredibly damaging trying to come here so I can “find my people!” and “join a community where people will appreciate you!” only to consistently be shown by numbers that no matter how hard I work, how often I post, how long I’ve been here, or even how much effort I put into my own forms of art, it doesn’t matter because there’s always going to some talented illustrator who just discovered the show yesterday and will bombarded with all the praise people like me never do.

I can’t do this anymore I wish I was dead half of the time even without this stupid app. I came here because I needed an escape from all my real world issues so I would always have a happy place to go on my phone where I could feel like I mattered but instead all I got was another constant reminder that I’m never good enough.

I’ll probably try to come back again one day because I’m weak and stupid especially if something changes like my account randomly blowing up (will never happen) a random post or AU does very well (highly doubt it) , or a new season comes out (Eghhhhhh) but even then I’m probably never going to as active as before I just can’t do that to myself again. I’ll still leave asks and DMs open even though I highly doubt anyone will use them I’m just stupid enough to hope for the off chance at this point.

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

:p

:P

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

People need to stop complaining about this fandom dying and people leaving while blaming it on no new content this year. Maybe and I’m just spitballing here but MAYBE less people would leave if we had an actually supportive community that supported smaller artists and creators instead of just letting the same 20 or so accounts be the only ones with high note counts?

Wild thought but MAYBE people would feel more encouraged to stay and post their work here if this fandom didn’t only care about one handful of big blogs while shunning the rest? Some people’s 5 minute shit posts or progress updates are getting hundreds or even thousands of notes while stunning works of art with incredible detail and quality barely hit 30.

The lack of new content isn’t why this fandom is dying we are actively killing ourselves with this exclusionary elitist behavior. Support your entire community not just the people who got lucky and made it because otherwise when this fandom dies you and especially the big creators who don’t use their platform to support the rest of the community are going to be the ones slowly poisoning us till we die.

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

While I’m happy that at least some people saw this and understood most of the message I can’t say it’s not depressing to see that basically all of the replies only talk about small artists being supported AKA people who can draw even when the original post made a point to mention how non artist creators are important and ignored too. I mean I guess it proves my point about how if you don’t post drawings nobody gives two shits about you but it still really hurts, even on a post about encouraging community and support such a large portion of the fandom are still automatically excluded and treated like nothing.

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

When Mac does regain memories of their fight, what's the aftermath like?

A little bit complicated because while he hasn’t had the full memory he’s had a lot of the feelings associated with it most of his life. Examples being the fact that he removes the staffs from his Monkey King figures because it stresses him out and an incident from when he MK and Mei went to the movie theater as teens.

He and MK were really excited to see this new Monkey King movie and everything was going great until they got to a fight scene that was very similar to the one in question. Without understanding why Mac started to have a full blown panic attack forcing them to leave the movie early to make sure he was okay. Mac couldn’t be around any SWK stuff for a week or two after that without feeling extremely tense.

When he actually gains the proper memory while trapped in the scroll it’s worse. He completely freezes unable to do anything while he’s forced to relive an experience he technically never even had to go through the first time and didn’t even survive forced to cope alone in a strange place. The aftermath is extremely messy since the entire scroll situation is particularly difficult especially for him but there’s definitely a lot of sobbing and curling up into a ball involved on top of an existential crisis .

[tohot4u]

I hope you’re doing not completely terrible:)

Likewise pal of mine. 😎🥂

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

🥂

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

I’m so tired of being invisible. No matter what I do or how hard I try it’s like I don’t even exist or matter online and offline it’s all the same people just ignore me or forget about me, I desperately need an escape but I’m not allowed to have it because I’m not good enough. Im so tired of trying so hard for nothing I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

Working on making some LMK keychains whenever I have time, energy, and a at least somewhat decent mental health space but I can already tell they’re each going to take forever to finish properly. I have some concept art done for a Mei keychain but I underestimated the difficulty level.

Will maybe have updates? Idk if people care or if I’ll even remember.

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

*Hug*

🫂thank you so much

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

☹️

Exactly how I feel right now

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

Still alive?

I’m honestly not entirely sure at this point.

[tohot4u]

shadowpuppet gang rise

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

At this point I’m seriously considering making a list of every single LMK art project I’ve cancelled and why. I don’t really think anyone will care since despite being in this fandom for half a decade my account is still smaller and on top of that art that isn’t a drawing is supremely undervalued here but I’m so tired and ticked off right now I might as well share the ideas I loved but didn’t go through with for one reason or another. Idk. I’m so done with this bullshit rn and probably need a break from sewing soon ( Wow other kinds of art in my fandom space? Crazy!)

[shylurker111]

The only thing I can say to this is please make the list so I can scream about your projects. Also, have a nice break and I still want to see those projects.

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

I’m really tired,depressed and feel extremely broken right now so I don’t have the energy to go into all the details but here’s some of the LMK projects I’ve cancelled thank you so much for your interest:) if you want more details and information leave an ask and I’ll get to it. Anything listed here is completely in my level of skill and would have been made in a professional or near professional quality since (not to brag) I am very good at most kinds of art drawing is just the difficult one and unfortunately it’s the only one that actually matters.

I’ve had several ideas for cosplays to the point of fully planning them out and calculating the cost but never started making any of them, the main ones were for Macaque and LBD and I have SFX ideas for both of them.

Sort of connected to the cosplay stuff but I was also considering making items from the show like Macaques lantern and other small replicas like the charm on MKs car keys.

Macaques shadow play with actual shadows.

There was a brief period of time where I was heavily considering making fan merch but decided not to since I didn’t want to put money and time into making things when my account is small and fan merch really only goes well when the person selling it is popular, I also don’t see much hand made stuff it’s all safe reliable factory prints on acrylic so I didn’t bother trying. These would have been made by hand sculpting miniatures of things like the staffs, a bowl of pigsys noodles, Meis sword, Macaques lantern, and so on to make custom multi part molds that I would cast resin in before adding details and assembling them after they were cured to be made into things like keychains and jewelry.

1/6 versions of the characters clothes that would fit dolls, I actually made and posted a few of these and MKs jacket post is a massive part of why I don’t make stuff for this fandom anymore I put a lot of work into that thing and nobody cared. I had originally planned to make all the characters outfits but only ended up making MK, Macaque, and Wukongs stuff although I never posted anything I made for Wukong.

Connected to the clothes I was originally planning on making custom dolls to go with them and had even started a Macaque doll but scrapped the project half way through and disassembled it.

I used to do a lot of pottery and was considering making ramen bowls with the Pigsys logo painted on them but never did.

Almost made plushies but some popular artist made some first and I didn’t want to deal with comparisons.

There’s other stuff too but right now I feel so emotionally drained I can’t think too hard about all this stuff too long without feeling bitter and hurt. If anyone has questions since I know I probably didn’t make a lot of sense here I’ll answer them.

A massive part of why none of this was made is because I don’t feel supported by this fandom. I’ve been here a very long time and my hard work and AUs are still consistently ignored for whatever new drawing account is just joining or whatever shit post doodle a different drawing account just posted. It’s very hard to want to create for a community that doesn’t care about you and treats you like dirt especially when those creations require lots of labor, time, money, and space you will never get back.

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

Adding something I just remembered: there was early planning for a Polly pocket inspired LMK project with some concept art, I think one was FFM and another was Pigsys / MKs apartment but I’ve long since thrown out the concepts.

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

Do You Have Favorite Poet. (non-nefarious reasons) And Also a Poem. [ points if shadowpeach pilled)𓆝

Lewis Carroll is the probably the main poet I’ve engaged withl since I have a deep fascination and emotional connection to Alice in Wonderland, there was probably some Poe thrown in there too since I’m basic in this category.

More recently I was re reading “O Death, Rock Me Asleep” which was most likely written by Anne Boleyn while waiting for her execution idk how much that counts as shadowpeach coded but it is a king killing his partner? Im not fully sure my brain isn’t fully connected.

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

*confident poke*

* cautious nudge*

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

I don’t have a support system or an escape from life everything hurts and I can’t stop crying I don’t think I can keep living like this much longer I wish I could just sleep forever instead

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

At this point I’m seriously considering making a list of every single LMK art project I’ve cancelled and why. I don’t really think anyone will care since despite being in this fandom for half a decade my account is still smaller and on top of that art that isn’t a drawing is supremely undervalued here but I’m so tired and ticked off right now I might as well share the ideas I loved but didn’t go through with for one reason or another. Idk. I’m so done with this bullshit rn and probably need a break from sewing soon ( Wow other kinds of art in my fandom space? Crazy!)

[shylurker111]

The only thing I can say to this is please make the list so I can scream about your projects. Also, have a nice break and I still want to see those projects.

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

I’m really tired,depressed and feel extremely broken right now so I don’t have the energy to go into all the details but here’s some of the LMK projects I’ve cancelled thank you so much for your interest:) if you want more details and information leave an ask and I’ll get to it. Anything listed here is completely in my level of skill and would have been made in a professional or near professional quality since (not to brag) I am very good at most kinds of art drawing is just the difficult one and unfortunately it’s the only one that actually matters.

I’ve had several ideas for cosplays to the point of fully planning them out and calculating the cost but never started making any of them, the main ones were for Macaque and LBD and I have SFX ideas for both of them.

Sort of connected to the cosplay stuff but I was also considering making items from the show like Macaques lantern and other small replicas like the charm on MKs car keys.

Macaques shadow play with actual shadows.

There was a brief period of time where I was heavily considering making fan merch but decided not to since I didn’t want to put money and time into making things when my account is small and fan merch really only goes well when the person selling it is popular, I also don’t see much hand made stuff it’s all safe reliable factory prints on acrylic so I didn’t bother trying. These would have been made by hand sculpting miniatures of things like the staffs, a bowl of pigsys noodles, Meis sword, Macaques lantern, and so on to make custom multi part molds that I would cast resin in before adding details and assembling them after they were cured to be made into things like keychains and jewelry.

1/6 versions of the characters clothes that would fit dolls, I actually made and posted a few of these and MKs jacket post is a massive part of why I don’t make stuff for this fandom anymore I put a lot of work into that thing and nobody cared. I had originally planned to make all the characters outfits but only ended up making MK, Macaque, and Wukongs stuff although I never posted anything I made for Wukong.

Connected to the clothes I was originally planning on making custom dolls to go with them and had even started a Macaque doll but scrapped the project half way through and disassembled it.

I used to do a lot of pottery and was considering making ramen bowls with the Pigsys logo painted on them but never did.

Almost made plushies but some popular artist made some first and I didn’t want to deal with comparisons.

There’s other stuff too but right now I feel so emotionally drained I can’t think too hard about all this stuff too long without feeling bitter and hurt. If anyone has questions since I know I probably didn’t make a lot of sense here I’ll answer them.

A massive part of why none of this was made is because I don’t feel supported by this fandom. I’ve been here a very long time and my hard work and AUs are still consistently ignored for whatever new drawing account is just joining or whatever shit post doodle a different drawing account just posted. It’s very hard to want to create for a community that doesn’t care about you and treats you like dirt especially when those creations require lots of labor, time, money, and space you will never get back.

[halfdeadhalfpaniced]

*Shy poke*

👆👆

*poke poke* :D