A Robot Has Feelings @halfhumanrobot-blog - Tumblr Blog

An open letter para sa’yo, J.

Naalala ko pa ‘yung una kitang nakita. Papasok ka, palabas naman ako. Sabi pa ng friend ko na kasabay kong lumabas, “Uy, cute siya.” “Hala, parang ‘di naman.” ‘Di ko akalain, sa’yo pala ako mahuhulog. Lakas pa ng loob kong sabihin na hindi naman kita magiging crush, let alone mahalin. Pero heto tayo -- ako -- ngayon, patay na patay na sa’yo.

Fast-forward ng ilang taon. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi mo naman ako magugustuhan kahit kailan. I accepted that fact. Real hard. Nagkaroon ako ng ka-relasyon and everything. Nakalimutan ko nang may feelings pa ako sa’yo. Unti-unti na rin siyang nawala. Naging busy na ako sa pag-aaral (haha what a joke) at sa kung ano pang extra-curriculars ko noon.

Okay na ako. Alam kong wala na akong nararamdaman para sa’yo. Naka-move on na ako, ika nga. Magkita man tayo, parang wala lang. Friends lang tayo ‘di ba? Friends na lang din ang tingin ko sa’yo. Okay na lahat. Masaya na ako sa ka-relasyon ko. Okay na ako.

Tangina. Sa kalagitnaan ng lahat na ‘yan, nilapitan ako ng isa kong kaibigan. “Ex mo pala si J.” What the fuck?! “Umm, never naging kami...” At ayaw niyang maniwala. Naging tayo nga ba, J? Or may nagkakalat lang ng tsismis tungkol sa’tin? ‘Di ko na siya ginawang big deal. Inisip ko na baka may nag-trip lang sa’tin at ‘yan ang narating na balita. Okay na ako ulit.

Unfortunately, nag-hiwalay kami ng ka-relasyon ko at naging single na ako ever since. Fine. Nag-survive naman ako, kakayanin ko ulit. Nagiging masaya na ulit ako: masaya sa fact na hindi ko na kailangan mag-isip ng ireregalo sa Valentine’s; masaya sa fact na hindi ko na kailangan pumunta ng QC para makita siya; masaya sa fact na hindi na ako nappraning tuwing gabi bago matulog. Masaya na ako, nang biglang nag-simula ang mga panaginip ko sa’yo.

Okay lang kung isa. Okay lang kung dalawa. Pero tatlo? Apat? Lima? Aba! Iba na ‘to. Nagmistulang gumawa ako ng bagong tv series sa isipan ko habang ako’y tulog. Grabe, J. Tayong dalawa ang bida.

Nagkasama tayo sa isang ganap. Noon na lang ulit kita nakita. Normal lang naman dapat pero hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong yakapin ka. Hindi ka naman pumiglas. Hindi mo alam kung gaano ka kasarap yakapin (ang taba mo na kasi haha). Tapos pipisil-pisilin mo pa yung braso ko. Ang babaw ko, pero masaya ako noong araw na ‘yon.

Simula noon, napapadalas na ang pag-chat natin. Dumarami na rin ang mga inside jokes natin. Lagi na kitang nata-tag sa mga memes at kung anu-ano pa. Lalo na sa astrological signs na ‘yan. Typical.

Lumipas ang ilang buwan, nagkaroon ulit ng ganap na nandoon tayong dalawa. Dito na ako nadali. Bakit ka naman kasi lalapit sakin at makikipag-kwentuhan? Bakit kailangan mong isandal yung ulo mo sa balikat ko? Bakit mo ko kailangang hatakin para lang samahang bumili ng pagkain? Bakit kailangan ako yung katabi mo? Bakit ako?

But, don’t get me wrong. Gusto ko yung mga nangyari. How I wish na hindi na tayo natigil magkwentuhan. How I wish na hindi na umalis yung ulo mo sa balikat mo dahil ang bango ng buhok mo. How I wish na hindi ka na bumitaw kahit sinabi ko na sa’yo na sasamahan naman kita.. How I wish na lagi kang nasa tabi ko. How I wish na ako lang dapat, J.

“Pupunta ako. Punta ka.” Bilis kong makasabi agad ng oo sa’yo. Pero hindi ka naman sumipot. Sabi mo na gisingin kita pero hindi ka naman gumising. Niyaya na kita pero ikaw naman ang hindi pumunta. Sabi ko na libre ko na ang nachos at milk tea pero wala namang napala. Sinabi ko na rin sa’yo na ako na lang pero akala mo biro lang.

Ano ba talaga meron, J? Gusto mo ba ako? Kasi kung hindi, pakisabi na lang kasi pagod na ako at hindi ko na alam kung saan ako lulugar. Pakisabi na lang para alam ko na kung kailan ako titigil.

But, I don’t blame you as much as I blame myself. Ako naman kasi yung tanga na nag-assume ng kung anu-ano, na nagbigay ng meaning sa mga bagay na defined na. Ako ‘yung pilit pa rin na pumapasok sa puso mo na alam ko namang wala lugar para sakin. Ang petty ko ‘di ba? Kaya nga siguro hindi mo talaga ako gusto.

#personal

Hey there, self.

Yes, I’m still alive. Apparently and surprisingly. But am I though? Am I really alive? Walking through this path for years now and I still don’t know where I’m going. All those dirt beneath my feet were nothing but mere speck of dust of the past that shattered, crumbled, and swept by the wind.

Why am I still here? What would I get? You got no reason to say; and, like I always say, that’s a reason to leave. Haven’t I learned anything? Do I even hear myself talk just like how people usually ignore me? I can’t love myself the way I should be. So, why am I still here?

It’s not too late to go. You still have the opportunity. You still have that option. What’s keeping me sane? What’s keep you holding on?

God, I better find out.

#personal

Lagi na lang mas masaya ang mga tao 'pag wala ako. Hindi ko alam kung malas lang ako o may balat sa puwet. Gayunpaman, masaya sila. At okey lang sakin iyon.

#personal

Cogitare

Creeping into the darkness, into the abyss, Was asked, "What is light? What is bliss?" Moments have gone before I could finally say, "In those times, we see what comes in our way."

Stranger by far, yet familiar to me, From what it could, and what it will be, That this light, this bliss is no stranger at all, A guide, a path, a conduit by nightfall.

I walked through the glimmering stars in the sky, Higher and higher, with my arms outstretched. As tiny specks of cosmic dust drift by, A familiar scent was caught, and down, I went.

I looked back to the ground, a moonlit cliff I see, With a young man at the edge, eyes closed, and on his knees. Startled, I asked, "What is light? What is bliss?" I stopped, realizing what it seems to be, "We see what comes in our way," he then said to me.

#personal #poetry #world poetry day

Find someone who'll love you even at times when you can't love yourself.

#personal #quote

Not a good time to be alive.

#personal #kill me now

I’m done being happy

In most days, being happy is quite an understatement. After playing an endless game of Monopoly to the ever-cringing Cards Against Humanities, no matter how much laughter I gave, I would never be truly happy. I guess, I’m done.

Maybe it’s not true happiness I’m experiencing. Maybe I just don’t care anymore. Or maybe I’m so drained that this emptiness turned into a black hole, sucking everything up. Crumb after crumb, every single thing obliterates and became nothing.

Yes, I’m aware that I’m turning into nothing. And yes, I’m screaming for help. But this godforsaken vacuum silenced my very voice. I’m bound and cannot be heard. Like a used up battery, I could no longer function properly. Every time I look in the mirror, I can’t recognize the face. All I see is nothing but total darkness. Crappy as it may sound, oblivion sets upon me.

I tried to fill up my cup. Maybe there’s some hope? For whatever reason, surprisingly, it’s been filled. I wasn’t nothing but at least I was...something. Something that could one day be everything again. But at that moment, a big freaking hole emerges from the bottom of that fucking cup. It keeps on getting bigger and bigger and bigger. I tried covering it up. I tried stopping it from draining everything I worked hard for.

In a blink of eye, everything was gone. The hole stayed. No matter how hard I try to fill up that cup again, it would just get drained anyway. So what’s the use?

I’m done. I’m done being happy.

#personal

Hindi na kita mahal. Tama na. TAMA NA.

#personal

Nobody deserves to fall asleep at night wondering why they weren't enough.

#quote #personal

Buti pa yung point, TAKEN.

self

#personal

No one can save me.

#personal

Atypically depressed.