🎵I hope you had the time of your life🎵 @halfofwholeagain - Tumblr Blog

When I was little..

When I was little.. We would talk about the future. About every begining and every end.

When I was little.. You said would be there for every milestone. My basketball games. Teaching me how to ride ATVs. Teaching me how to cook basic and advanced meals, and so much more.. All the way to when I graduated... Even though I didn't, you never scolded me. And when I got married, I had you walk me down the aisle.

When I was little.. we talked about the inevitable day that you wouldn't be here anymore. I asked you to haunt me, always watch over me because I never wanted to be without you. You told me your favorite song and to listen for it. I hear it almost every day on the radio now. If there is an afterlife, I like to think that that's you.

When I was little.. I never expected I'd have to figure out how to continue on without you. It was always us against the world. Not even out of my 20's. How am I supposed to do this without my best friend?

When I was little.. I never thought we would have a falling out. Nothing could ever come between us. I broke contact and within the year, you were lost. It will forever be the biggest mistake I have ever made.. I hope you know that I always have and always will love you. And I don't think I will ever stop missing you.

When I was little.. you were my best friend. And as I grew up, you still are.

I love you dad.

#grief #sad thoughts #can't sleep #vent post #love and loss #sorry for being depressing #i miss you #dealing with grief #loss of a parent #loss of a father #family loss #i love you #im sorry #please be fake #loss of identity #remembering #never forget #best friend #dad

Sigh...

-versesofourhearts

I got your final items today

It was raining more than it had all week. I had a hard time driving to the funeral home, trying to see through the rain and tear. I belted out your favorite songs. Sang the lyrics like you could hear me if I just screamed them out loud enough. That drive was a concert just for you. I wonder if you were watching.

I got your items handed to me through a locked door. It wasn't a place I could walk into. I stood in the rain, called the number in the door, and waited. It took about 10 minutes before that door opened and a women held out a bag for me. No hello, no I'm sorry. Just awkward eye contact and a tight smile. A look I've gotten all to used to seeing since you left.

What was left of you was in a large ziplock bag. Your backpack, phones, wallet and cards, some charging cables and the last notes you took in a notebook. It was heavier than I expected it to be, both physically and emotionally. I can't say I remember much of the drive home. The concert I sang was quieter, more focused, if there was any singing at all. I wanted to feel you closer but somehow this was worse.

I made it home and opened your bag, expecting the worst, but thankfully it was well organized by the authorities. My hands were shaking so much I almost couldn't open the zipper. I tried scanning some of your notes but I could never hold my camera still enough. After spending hours looking through your phone, connecting the dots and final moments, it brought me some closure.. but not much. I sat in silence most of the night.

Im just waiting to hear you complain to me about not having your stuff. Say your on your way, you want your phone, you need your wallet. But they just sit in a shelf next to your urn.

I can't wait to bring you home so you can see it. You have such a beautiful spot waiting for you. I miss you so much.

#grief #mental health #anxiety #coping #family loss #overwhelmed #stress #tired #trauma #dad #dadloss #loss of a father #sorry for being depressing #venting #deep thoughts

fandomsandfeminism

Here is the sad, unavoidable truth- there is nothing you can do, no choices you can make, no life you can live that changes the fact that the people you love will die.

We all die, of course. But, terribly, that means the people you love will die too.

You can't stop that from happening.

The best you can do, the best any of us can do, is live our lives in such a way that when this happens, we have as few regrets as possible.

My grandmother died this week. My last living grandparent. She was 95, with family, and full of morphine. It's one of the better ways to go.

And while I know this isn't true for everyone, because people are messy and complicated and we all must do our best to be kind and fair to ourselves as well as others, I find that one of the most common regrets that people have when someone they love dies is just, simply, that we wish we would have spent more time together. Talked more. Listened more. Been present more.

So. Text someone you love tomorrow. Go have lunch with them next weekend. Bring over a bottle of cheap wine and play a few rounds of Uno or Jenga. I know the drive will be a pain and traffic is bad and staying at home is easier and you're so tired from work and you dont even really like Uno all that much.

But, I dunno, do it anyway.