*walks away mid sentence*

merlin | queer | 20s

[wouldyourfavesurviveasawtrap]

Dr. House is a highly intelligent and incredibly rude diagnostician at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Armed with snark, wit, years of medical experience, and a cane, House can take on anything life throws at him... including a test from Jigsaw.

Jigsaw is not a fan of callous doctors, but House didn't change his ways for a cop, so there's no way in hell he'll be nice to an old man with a morbid and classist view on life just because he's a regular at Home Depot. In fact, House would probably try to kick John's ass after he survives, and he might even hit him with his cane if John even brings up the idea of being an apprentice.

After all this, House would think back to his trap and have his classic "Urethra! ☝️💡" moment before telling John that the cure for his cancer is to eat lead paint or something. Now if only he could cure Amanda's bad haircuts.

[azleepz-deactivated20241110]

the big three: big brown eyes, an indescribable amount of horniness and a generalised anxiety disorder

[bougiebutchbinch]

ranking the best things I have heard surgeons say mid-surgery:

1. "Five second rule!" while scrubbed, after dropping a sterile scalpel on the floor (no they did NOT pick it up again but I swear everyone's buttholes puckered)

2. (spoken during the closing of a particularly long and difficult case) "Nurse - my tunes." :heavy metal starts blasting:

3. Gently to a fretful patient, pre-anaesthesia: "It's going to be okay. I promise, I've dealt with worse." As soon as the patient is unconscious: "This is literally the worst thing I've ever seen."

4. [okay this one was a med student] "Wowwww, that's so gross!!" Reg: "Please remember that [patient] is awake for this procedure." Student to patient: "Oh my god. I am so sorry, that was really unprofessional - " Patient, cheerfully, also engrossed with what's happening inside them on the screen: "Nah - it's, like, super gross, right?"

5. [another procedure where the patient couldn't be put under GA] Patient: *starts singing country roads midway through the procedure* Surgeon: *shrugs and joins in with surprisingly good harmony*

[bougiebutchbinch]

okay okay there's more

6. Elderly surgeon to the anaesthetist who is gossipping with their reg: "I need you to pretend you're in church." [weirdest way to ask people to be quiet, but whatevs]

Anaethetist's new reg with big, horrified eyes: "You mean we should start praying???"

7. Panicking rad tech: "Uhhhh my machine broke. I need to jump on this part and kick it, but I am not paid enough if I break it. Can you - "

Surgeon, casual as: "Yeah, sure."

:violently beats up the C-arm until it starts pumping out those sweet, sweet x-rays:

8. ODP to theatre assistant: "Saw the new tasche earlier. Suits you."

Theatre assistant: "Thanks! it grew on me :)"

Surgeon, pleadingly, within accidental snipping distance of the patient's spinal cord: "Guys, do NOT make me laugh."

[bougiebutchbinch]

OH MY GOD I FORGOT -

9. Surgeon using the electrocauter, leaning over the incision and inhaling deeply: mmmmm, that smell always gets me hungry. I'm having barbeque tonight.

New med student: 👀

[bougiebutchbinch]

and the classique:

Spinal surgeon: hey, that scoli's getting bad. want me to fix it for ya?

Me: I mean. There's a pretty long wait list

Spinal surgeon: yeah but I could do it tonight

Me: that would be very illegal, Jeff

Spinal surgeon: only if they catch me

[maachine-deactivated20250630]

[allpiesforourown]

House would treat two gay patients like shit and get sued for being homophobic and cuddy would go "he's not homophobic, he treats everyone like that!" which does not hold up in court so instead he's like how can I be homophobic when I have a boyfriend? Wilson stand up. Everyone would turn to Wilson (who had ZERO warning about this) and he'd stutter before glaring at House and stand "yes, House is unfortunately my boyfriend"

Then they'd walk out of the courtroom and Wilson would chew him out which House ignores. Cue 3 days layer when Wilson says House needs to clear up they lied about being gay to get him off (ha) and they're not actually dating because he is NOT getting any dates like this. House would walk into the hospital cafeteria and yell "ATTENTION EVERYONE. Doctor Wilson is not my boyfriend." Wilson would nod for 2 seconds before House follows up with "because we're engaged!" and Wilson can't even be mad because why did he think for 2 seconds that House would make it easy for him

House would try to use this as an opportunity to demand less clinic hours (think of it as a wedding gift) which he does not get because Cuddy knows exactly what's going on and she thinks it's hilarious but she needs his ass working

Cuddy: yeah? You two are a thing? How big is he?

House: 5.3 inches

Wilson: how the FUCK do you know that

[corinneschroeder]

i doubt tumblr is dying but if it does feel free to follow me on bsky, merlinthecowboy

currently arcane posting but will probably talk about saw and djo and whatever the new hyperfixation will be next

[sol-rust]

House MD sketch scraps

[noodles-and-tea]

U KNOW HOUSE MD

Dude I’m a Sherlock freak. Of COURSE I know house MD.

[papertowness]

hilson is so funny because if you stuck house in a time loop wilson would ask him “ wait … are you stuck in a time loop ?? “ after house stretched out on his office couch and spoke in riddles for a minute or two but if you stuck wilson in a time loop house would fuck around and do some insane shit after wilson told him and be annoyed that wilson knew the outcome every time

[itsmakingyoucry]

What do yall even know about Gregory “'Cause I'm the most screwed up person in the world” House

[cuepickle]

I know that this was his reaction when that closeted guy assured him that he’s “just as straight as any of you”

[irlplasticlamb]

hand in unloveable hand.

prints + merch + commission info

[weird-an]

Wilson thought everything would change now. The memory of this night is still fresh on his skin in form of bruises and hickies, tingling whenever he moves.

When he opens the door to his office, his heart jumps, tension bleeding out of his shoulders.

House sits on his chair, legs on his desk. Like it belongs to him, like he always does. He sips a bubble tea and wears a shirt that says "Wifey for lifey".

"Please tell me this isn't your lunch," Wilson sighs. How can anybody live off only sugar?

"It's technically breakfast," House says, slurping down a big gulp. The ice cubes chink.

"I'll make dinner tonight," Wilson announces. "No takeout tonight."

"Is that a scheme to get me to eat more vitamins?" House asks, sucking on the straw. His cheeks hollow a little. Wilson's face burn.

"You found out my evil plan." Wilson rolls his eyes. "Giving your body what it needs."

"Oh, you made sure of that." House winks at him - and really, Wilson should've seen that coming. "No wonder they all wanted to put a ring in you."

Wilson rubs the bridge of his nose. "What have I done?" he mumbles, more to himself than House.

"It's called anal sex," House explains, so loudly half of the hospital can possibly hear him. "And a blowjob, rimming and -"

"Jesus," Wilson interrupts. "I know that."

House grins. "No worries, we'll never marry."

That hurts more than it should. Wilson knows House can see it on his face.

"Because then you can never divorce me," House says, almost softly.

Wilson's heart might explode and he isn't sure there's a medical condition that explains feeling nauseous and happy at the same time.

House empties his bubble tea. "So, no to engagement rings, but what about cock rings?"

Fuck, Wilson loves him. "House-"

[dreamduality]

let's take 16 secs to watch wilson's 50 bucks dance

[housemdenjoyer]

reblogging this every week and calling it wilson’s wretched white dance wednesday

[dreamduality]

happy wilson’s wretched white dance wednesday

[kanakori]

i know this episode and scene has been posted to hell on this website but bro.

who else makes him smile like that?? WHO?

[russell-crowe]

they are not going to talk about this when they wake up (bigger version)

[russell-crowe]

a quick goodbye in the parking lot

[egonkula]

such a pretty shot