Rambling
Since I’ve come to accept I am aplatonic and overall anattractional (meaning I don’t have general attraction or love or desire for anyone). I wanted to share my experiences. Since it is a spectrum as well. I go by unlabeled as a whole too, but I don’t dismiss my feeling about identity or sexuality, it’s just I don’t owe anyone a label either and im not bothering with it.
Anyway I noticed I always wasn’t the one initiating a friendship or bond. And during each bond I felt like I was just performing my “love and affection”. Forced. Acting. And due to me also having a low social battery I never really seeked out connections. Cuz it would drain me. Only if the other person is consistently keeping contact I feel some sort of connection, but I don’t love them. I never really felt close if they were very close with me.
I only enjoy analyzing their character, their life, and their story, but I always seemed to lack affection and love at that matter. I still have empathy and care, yet that is different than love. As an adult im realizing now I may not have truly loved anyone. Not even my exes either.
My autism and chronic illness may also play a role in this, as it is very hard maintaining and making friendships and always feeling that isolation. Altho I also felt isolated even before I knew those diagnoses.
I don’t want this guilt and pressure to seek out friends also as aroace, and I don’t want to be living a performance/lie anymore. I just feel like I don’t belong on this world where you “have to be social!!!” and “you don’t need to be lonely!!”. I just want a break man. I’m not cold-hearted. I just never even feel love for anybody.
