Ah yes.

Name's Sir Alistair Hammerlock-Jakobs, but you can just call me Alistair (or Hammerlock). He/him. 65 (way too old for this site, I know). Married to the love of my life since 26/03/53XX.

[hammerlockandload]

Well, I suppose a pinned post is in order.

What ho, and welcome to my blog. Name's Alistair. I may be absolutely ancient for this site's standards, but that does not dissuade me from posting on here occasionally. Hunting pics soon perhaps???

Do not interact if you: are one of my ex boyfriends, are plotting to kill the current CEO of Jakobs corp, stan Handsome Jack or think people who don't wear monocles have no rights.

If you like my blog you might also enjoy my beloved @gaygunpowder .

//indie sir hammerlock from borderlands rp blog ran by @wainwrightjakobshammerlock . mostly just chat form but can do semi-lit for asks. very headcanony. mun is an adult if u care

[gentlemancyborg]

[Hammerlock sitting at his bar table in Aegrus slow-sipping scotch on the rocks thinking ‘Well, my boyfriend thinks I’m handsome, so fuck you’]

[hammerlockandload]

Even after all these years I remain not immune to this daemon. Indeed, the temptation to reply to any and all critique with "well, my dearest multi-trillionaire husband considers me the sexiest man alive, thus thine argument is rendered invalid" is held back at bay only by my industrial-grade attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

[nerditudes]

his cute little bald spot tho

[hammerlockandload]

...dare I say, kissable?

[hammerlockandload]

"Ohhh see that's sweet, I know that other bandit /Zane was it? One of the Flynt brothers\ asked this but I wanna see for myself, what have you and the inferior company CEO been doing? /jakob\"

- @hyperionsbestceo (HJ~!)

...first of all, you should be dead. Second of all, I have no interest in talking to a genocidal fascist such as yourself. Have a dreadful day.

[hyperionsbestceo]

"I'm a changed man Hammerlock! Yeah I've done some mildly bad things, but gimmie a chance and I'll make it worth your while, yeah?"

"Also, hero's don't die, just sayin"

[hammerlockandload]

Does "genocidal fascist" actually sound "mildly bad" to you? Is that it? The dehumanization and brutal murder of countless human beings is only "mildly" bad?

[hyperionsbestceo]

"Okay- okay. May have done some ehhh things, but what 𝐂𝐀𝐍 I do to gain you country folks trust? Money? Weapons? Protection? I'll send a few bots that look like the wild, just, lemme make it up to you people yeah?"

[hammerlockandload]

My husband is richer than God and I am more than capable of defending myself. Even if you had something to offer, Jakobs' contempt for you and your corporation is too deep to dislodge with a mere bribe

I fear it is not possible for you to "make up" your crimes against humanity but to reincarnate as a "bandit" one thousand times. At minimum.

[hyperionsbestceo]

"Okay, alright, but at least a truce man? I don't want my loader bots runnin around killing you people when I'm trying to change!"

[hammerlockandload]

A thousand reincarnations as the people you wished to eradicate, simulated or otherwise. Now.

It is the only way I can see you "changing".

[hyperionsbestceo]

"Basically already did that. Before I could actually start living my lack of weapons and tech kinda got Maliwan on my ass. Died once to the ban... 𝑉𝑎𝑢𝑙𝑡 𝐻𝑢𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑠 , then Maliwan... Ah... Hell been through about fifty percent of that count you got goin there kiddo."

"Least my New-U system isn't the... 𝑂𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟... Fascist persons."

"I'm talking about Zarpy and Dahl! Not you people- y'all are great"

[hammerlockandload]

You do not even know the definition of fascism. Of course you don't.

My point still stands; tell your R&D division to make some sort of simulation which will make you live a thousand simulated lives as many, many bandits. Or do the universe a favor and kill yourself.

[hyperionsbestceo]

"Look Im trying but MAN are you really about to make me blow a fuse. Besides death, what is another goddamn way I can please you people? Hell-"

(Let it be, shut up or I'll get Lilith to kidnap you under my command)

"Alright! Alright. Damn."

[hammerlockandload]

"I'm trying" is not an appropriate phrase in your situation.

You committed genocide, and planned on finishing it. Thankfully, you were put out of your misery before that could happen, and I do wish it would have stayed that way.

One lifetime, even one spent entirely on learning about bandit culture and apologizing to them in both words and actions, is not enough to atone for even a single, nay, half a letter of what you have done and what will surely be written down in history books.

[hammerlockandload]

"Ohhh see that's sweet, I know that other bandit /Zane was it? One of the Flynt brothers\ asked this but I wanna see for myself, what have you and the inferior company CEO been doing? /jakob\"

- @hyperionsbestceo (HJ~!)

...first of all, you should be dead. Second of all, I have no interest in talking to a genocidal fascist such as yourself. Have a dreadful day.

[hyperionsbestceo]

"I'm a changed man Hammerlock! Yeah I've done some mildly bad things, but gimmie a chance and I'll make it worth your while, yeah?"

"Also, hero's don't die, just sayin"

[hammerlockandload]

Does "genocidal fascist" actually sound "mildly bad" to you? Is that it? The dehumanization and brutal murder of countless human beings is only "mildly" bad?

[hyperionsbestceo]

"Okay- okay. May have done some ehhh things, but what 𝐂𝐀𝐍 I do to gain you country folks trust? Money? Weapons? Protection? I'll send a few bots that look like the wild, just, lemme make it up to you people yeah?"

[hammerlockandload]

My husband is richer than God and I am more than capable of defending myself. Even if you had something to offer, Jakobs' contempt for you and your corporation is too deep to dislodge with a mere bribe

I fear it is not possible for you to "make up" your crimes against humanity but to reincarnate as a "bandit" one thousand times. At minimum.

[hyperionsbestceo]

"Okay, alright, but at least a truce man? I don't want my loader bots runnin around killing you people when I'm trying to change!"

[hammerlockandload]

A thousand reincarnations as the people you wished to eradicate, simulated or otherwise. Now.

It is the only way I can see you "changing".

[hyperionsbestceo]

"Basically already did that. Before I could actually start living my lack of weapons and tech kinda got Maliwan on my ass. Died once to the ban... 𝑉𝑎𝑢𝑙𝑡 𝐻𝑢𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑠 , then Maliwan... Ah... Hell been through about fifty percent of that count you got goin there kiddo."

"Least my New-U system isn't the... 𝑂𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟... Fascist persons."

"I'm talking about Zarpy and Dahl! Not you people- y'all are great"

[hammerlockandload]

You do not even know the definition of fascism. Of course you don't.

My point still stands; tell your R&D division to make some sort of simulation which will make you live a thousand simulated lives as many, many bandits. Or do the universe a favor and kill yourself.

[hammerlockandload]

"Ohhh see that's sweet, I know that other bandit /Zane was it? One of the Flynt brothers\ asked this but I wanna see for myself, what have you and the inferior company CEO been doing? /jakob\"

- @hyperionsbestceo (HJ~!)

...first of all, you should be dead. Second of all, I have no interest in talking to a genocidal fascist such as yourself. Have a dreadful day.

[hyperionsbestceo]

"I'm a changed man Hammerlock! Yeah I've done some mildly bad things, but gimmie a chance and I'll make it worth your while, yeah?"

"Also, hero's don't die, just sayin"

[hammerlockandload]

Does "genocidal fascist" actually sound "mildly bad" to you? Is that it? The dehumanization and brutal murder of countless human beings is only "mildly" bad?

[hyperionsbestceo]

"Okay- okay. May have done some ehhh things, but what 𝐂𝐀𝐍 I do to gain you country folks trust? Money? Weapons? Protection? I'll send a few bots that look like the wild, just, lemme make it up to you people yeah?"

[hammerlockandload]

My husband is richer than God and I am more than capable of defending myself. Even if you had something to offer, Jakobs' contempt for you and your corporation is too deep to dislodge with a mere bribe

I fear it is not possible for you to "make up" your crimes against humanity but to reincarnate as a "bandit" one thousand times. At minimum.

[hyperionsbestceo]

"Okay, alright, but at least a truce man? I don't want my loader bots runnin around killing you people when I'm trying to change!"

[hammerlockandload]

A thousand reincarnations as the people you wished to eradicate, simulated or otherwise. Now.

It is the only way I can see you "changing".

[hammerlockandload]

"Ohhh see that's sweet, I know that other bandit /Zane was it? One of the Flynt brothers\ asked this but I wanna see for myself, what have you and the inferior company CEO been doing? /jakob\"

- @hyperionsbestceo (HJ~!)

...first of all, you should be dead. Second of all, I have no interest in talking to a genocidal fascist such as yourself. Have a dreadful day.

[hyperionsbestceo]

"I'm a changed man Hammerlock! Yeah I've done some mildly bad things, but gimmie a chance and I'll make it worth your while, yeah?"

"Also, hero's don't die, just sayin"

[hammerlockandload]

Does "genocidal fascist" actually sound "mildly bad" to you? Is that it? The dehumanization and brutal murder of countless human beings is only "mildly" bad?

[hyperionsbestceo]

"Okay- okay. May have done some ehhh things, but what 𝐂𝐀𝐍 I do to gain you country folks trust? Money? Weapons? Protection? I'll send a few bots that look like the wild, just, lemme make it up to you people yeah?"

[hammerlockandload]

My husband is richer than God and I am more than capable of defending myself. Even if you had something to offer, Jakobs' contempt for you and your corporation is too deep to dislodge with a mere bribe

I fear it is not possible for you to "make up" your crimes against humanity but to reincarnate as a "bandit" one thousand times. At minimum.

[hammerlockandload]

OOC: I see Handsome Jack showing up here of all places and I am running to get popcorn. Politely destroy him, good sir (both the character and the writer)

// lol lmao

[hammerlockandload]

"Ohhh see that's sweet, I know that other bandit /Zane was it? One of the Flynt brothers\ asked this but I wanna see for myself, what have you and the inferior company CEO been doing? /jakob\"

- @hyperionsbestceo (HJ~!)

...first of all, you should be dead. Second of all, I have no interest in talking to a genocidal fascist such as yourself. Have a dreadful day.

[hyperionsbestceo]

"I'm a changed man Hammerlock! Yeah I've done some mildly bad things, but gimmie a chance and I'll make it worth your while, yeah?"

"Also, hero's don't die, just sayin"

[hammerlockandload]

Does "genocidal fascist" actually sound "mildly bad" to you? Is that it? The dehumanization and brutal murder of countless human beings is only "mildly" bad?

[hammerlockandload]

"Ohhh see that's sweet, I know that other bandit /Zane was it? One of the Flynt brothers\ asked this but I wanna see for myself, what have you and the inferior company CEO been doing? /jakob\"

- @hyperionsbestceo (HJ~!)

...first of all, you should be dead. Second of all, I have no interest in talking to a genocidal fascist such as yourself. Have a dreadful day.

[gaygunpowder]

Jaky! Jaky lad!

I got a question that's been on me mind for a few days now.

What exactly did you see when Eleanors - was that er name? - or that Gythin ring thingy was on your fingie? What were yer thoughts?

~ Handsome lad, ZF

( @irishdrunkzane )

...Really don't wanna talk about it.

[irishdrunkzane]

"Get a drink sometime lad, it's not just that I'm curious it's... Firehawk wants to talk about it. You got time someday to join us in a bar and open up?"

[gaygunpowder]

...Listen, if your commanding officer wants to know about it, then so be it. But first of all: Alistair needs to be present for it; second of all, no booze - while back I recognized I had a problem, and have been tryin' to kick it.

[irishdrunkzane]

"Understandable lad, I'll ask Hammy and we'll have some time on Sanctuary. Keep it concealed alright? Just hope you get better, speakin of which, do ya have any

[gaygunpowder]

I ain't givin' you anythin' from the Reserve. Not after the incident.

[irishdrunkzane]

"Fine, fine. Any symptoms? Just makin sure. We can't have Jakobs weapons running to hands of someone else bad. Unless that's Hammerlock. Personal fan of the weapons I do say so meself"

[gaygunpowder]

No talkin' about the "symptoms" 'til the meeting.

Fmovhh blf dzmg gl urmw lfg uli blfihvou.

[irishdrunkzane]

"Oh thats- ya good there lad...? Uhm."

" @hammerlockandload ! Yer groom is doin somethin!"

[hammerlockandload]

Wainwright, please. This is not the time - you said it yourself.

[hammerlockandload]

Ohh Hammy lad!

Don't I got a rackin question for you.

Before yer sis, Aurelia, tried puttin ya on the market for the Calypsos, how did you and her get along, before the whole siblin troublry?

Was she any more of a sass ass back then?

~Handsome Lad, ZF

( @irishdrunkzane )

She has always been "like that", to lesser or greater extents. Except when she was a little child, then- oh, well, that's a can of worms I shan't open right now.

...wait, put me on the market? Sure, she does not like me, but she'd never do something like that!

[irishdrunkzane]

I sure hope you ain't here to cause trouble.

(@gaygunpowder)

"No no Jaky! /Jakie...jakey?\" *Irish laugh* "trust me lad, I won't cause trouble, least not on your planet, can't say the same for the others though..."

"Say- how's Hammy doing? You two still gettin along or did I miss an anniversary?"

(Ironically enough I just completed Guns, love, and tentacles /side\ campaign)

[gaygunpowder]

Still gettin' along? He's the love of my life, the man I wanted and still wanna spend the rest of my existence with. I think 'still gettin' along' is a severe understatement.

...Say, are you one of those people who's spent so much damn time around sad straight couples you think marriage's always some sort of dour state?

[irishdrunkzane]

"Uhh... Maybe? Look multiple ladies havent given me the treatment you two have with each other. still, congrats you wonderful bastards. I say an apology."

[gaygunpowder]

Alright, alright, suppose that explains it just as well. Thank you kindly.

...and seems like you're still at it, as it were. Thought a man of your age would settle down at some point, but I ain't one to judge - Alistair also tells people he's "not as active as [he] once was", but still goes on expeditions quite frequently.

[irishdrunkzane]

"Oh oh! When you get a chance please tell em I'd like to go on one! Lad I haven't had a expedition in months! Oh. And think of me as you two's guard, I need some livenly in me life." *laughs in Irish*

[hammerlockandload]

As long as you promise not to ruin the pelts with that drone of yours again.

[irishdrunkzane]

I sure hope you ain't here to cause trouble.

(@gaygunpowder)

"No no Jaky! /Jakie...jakey?\" *Irish laugh* "trust me lad, I won't cause trouble, least not on your planet, can't say the same for the others though..."

"Say- how's Hammy doing? You two still gettin along or did I miss an anniversary?"

(Ironically enough I just completed Guns, love, and tentacles /side\ campaign)

[gaygunpowder]

Still gettin' along? He's the love of my life, the man I wanted and still wanna spend the rest of my existence with. I think 'still gettin' along' is a severe understatement.

...Say, are you one of those people who's spent so much damn time around sad straight couples you think marriage's always some sort of dour state?

[irishdrunkzane]

"Uhh... Maybe? Look multiple ladies havent given me the treatment you two have with each other. still, congrats you wonderful bastards. I say an apology."

[gaygunpowder]

Alright, alright, suppose that explains it just as well. Thank you kindly.

...and seems like you're still at it, as it were. Thought a man of your age would settle down at some point, but I ain't one to judge - Alistair also tells people he's "not as active as [he] once was", but still goes on expeditions quite frequently.

[hammerlockandload]

Well, in the past I was "on expedition" constantly, Winny. Comparatively, that's still less than now!

Also - my love, you too are my dearest... 8)

[kaboombunny]

BONERFART JSUT ATE OUT OF A CORROSIVE BSRREL WHAT DO I DO

[kaboombunny]

@hammerlockandload HEKP

[hammerlockandload]

Bullymongs possess remarkable resistance to corrosive substances; it's what enables the "bullyrott" subspecies to exist. Give it some human-strength antacids and all shall be fine.

[kaboombunny]

I adopted a monglet help me name him guys

[kaboombunny]

named him bonerfart in honor of sir hammylock

[kaboombunny]

I adopted a monglet help me name him guys

[hammerlockandload]

Ferry? Boney?