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祝日 / Permanent Vacation
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Today's Document
AnasAbdin
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@hanaflorism
Di antara ribuan bahkan jutaan nama yang ada, aku hanya perlu mencari namamu. Di antara banyak kata yang menjadi nama, namamu hanya diisi oleh satu kata. Satu kata yang pasaran. Yang membuatku susah mengulikmu lebih dalam. Yang membuatku gundah gulana tak mengetahui statusmu. Yang... ah.
A Glimpse of You
What in heaven, you suddenly passed by without any clear interaction. We were at your room and you said, "your wallet has some sharp edges."
What is it, Mom?
Is that you, again, Mom?
We were at my room and Agha came in and tried to take my belongings. We talked--argued maybe, not so sure. And we went to your room.
That feeling--to be able to be close to you again.
Harap
Rasanya sering kita berharap. Benar demikian bukan? Berharap pada manusia.
Meski di lubuk hati paling dalam, kita tahu, bahwa seharusnya kita berharap hanya pada Tuhan
Aren't We All--Waiting?
Waiting For anything--everything
Waiting for death Waiting for the upcoming grief Waiting For everything that can be anything
A Glimpse of You
What in heaven, you suddenly passed by without any clear interaction. We were at your room and you said, "your wallet has some sharp edges."
What is it, Mom?
If Only I knew
Mom, if only I knew it would be this short, I would do things differently
Mom, if only I knew it would be this short, I would willingly change the diapers all over again
Mom, if only I knew it would be this short, I would be happy to fix the catheter again and again—more than three times a night
Mom, if only I knew it would be this short, I would sleep with you by my side—not to care about you woking up each time you felt my presence
Mom, if only I knew it would be this short, I would not cross the Java to do my work—on that day
Mom, if only I knew it would be this short, I would not just be there listening when you answer my question, “what do you want?” with “I want nothing. I only want to be able to sleep.”
Memang sudah masuk bulan ketiga selepas kepergianmu
Tapi dada ini masih terasa sesak
Ternyata rasa sakitnya tetap ada
You were the first thing I remember, then turned to be the second thing
Yet now, while reciting Alquran, the thoughts of you strike deeply
At last, I realized that I really love learning
Masih terasa berat
Seperti baru saja terjadi
Padahal sudah hampir seratus hari
Belum selesai salam pada rakaat terakhir
Sudah mengucur deras air mataku
Menjadi makmum dari Pak Rektor
Melempar ingatanku pada hari itu
Saat Pak Rektor periode sebelumnya mengajak Ibuk dan Bapak berfoto
I would like to meet every version of you
Day 86 since Mom Left for Good
It becomes harder and harder. But hard doesn't mean quitting.
Oftentimes, we are left with a bunch of belongings from a deceased Mom or Dad. Surely we can give out to the people in need. But what if we are left with their medicine?
As Much As I Want to Forget, I Couldn't
Once I wrote, "Berapa Senin yang harus kulalui untuk merasa tidak berat lagi?" How many Mondays do I have to storm in order to feel unburden?
That Monday, October 20th, 2025, my Mom passed away. I couldn't picture every little detail, but... It's still so fresh in my memory, how hour by hour went by.
I tried not to remember, but it keeps coming. In the dawn, I slept like a sleeping beauty, woke up for Fajr, and then continued sleeping. Later, the student with whom I was woke me up. It was surreal. Brutal.
k
Ada yang bilang: Penyesalan itu sia-sia; Tak perlu ada penyesalan; Penyesalan datang di akhir karena kalau di awal itu pendaftaran.
Tapi, bolehkah pada suatu hal ini aku menyesal? Menyesal daripada banyak diamnya ketika berada di IGD terakhir kali Menyesal tidak mengiyakan ajakan-ajakan terakhirnya, "Nggak sarapan?" "Nggak bawa bekal?" "Ikut jamaah nggak?" Dan tiada lagi jawaban yang bisa kuberi Karena tak ada lagi tanya yang tercipta
j
Ibuk, entah mengapa, beberapa hari ini terasa berat. Tak mampu lagi kubendung air mataku. Ketidaksendirianku nyatanya belum bisa menahan jatuhnya tetes demi tetes.
Ibuk, apakah ini karena sudah akan genap dua bulan engkau pergi? Atau entah ini karena apa. Dua hari lalu kudengar Ibu dari rekanku berpulang. Rasanya hati "maktratap" dan langkah untuk takziyah ini belum tatag. Rasanya tak ubahnya seperti kehilangan Ibu sendiri.
Dikemasi bajunya, seolah akan pergi jauh
Disedikitkan makannya, seolah tak ingin orang lain repot
Disiapkan lauk pauk, seolah-olah ingin memudahkan dirinya sendiri
Dibagikan hartanya, seolah tidak lagi butuh dunia
Was That You?
Aku membopongmu entah menuju ke mana
Terasa ringan sekali
Entah mengapa tiba-tiba kita berada di kasur
Sembari kita bercakap bagaimana makanmu di sana
“Enak enak. Kemarin makan ini makan itu, cuman nggak ada acarnya.”
Ucapmu sambil tersenyum semringah
Lalu ku terbangun dari mimpiku