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@handfuloflemons-blog
water towers...
Reuse, reuse, reuse. Yes, some things need to be thrown away, like those expired condoms and that Linkin Park poster...because what are you, an idiot? A douchebag in high school with a hearing problem?! But I digress...I was talking about reusing things. Reusing things that don't suck. Like water towers...such as the ones below, that have been converted into usable and livable spaces. Go architecture!
f**k like an idiot...
Some bad advice just in time for the weekend.
Month after month…someone out there has to be trying the sex advice found in Cosmopolitan magazine. I mean, the magazine wouldn't still be around if they weren't. The list below was all new to me, but let's face it...sometimes I'm kind of a prude. So if you really want to live a little...
1. Throw his disco stick a party he'll never forget
"Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it around with the other. You'll want to vary it up a bit so also tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and then lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Don't make the mistake of being too gentle like many women do."
Soo...gentle is defined as a tap and since gentle is bad, you're going to really want to give it a good flick with your fingers. I've never really played tennis but I have played volleyball before and good players always announce the score before they serve. You'll probably want to give him an update every time you pinch him...and Cosmo says guys also love numbers, so double wow. Talk about a party...
2. Level II Fellatio
"Men love it when you ambush them, so surprise him when he walks in the door with fruit in your mouth. Chew on a small piece of mango or whatever fruit you have but don't try anything too acidic because it could burn his penis. Take him in your mouth with the fruit and give him a blow job like he's never had before. The pressure of the fruit against his shaft will really turn him on."
Yes, that sounds right...men love a good ambush. And who doesn't love fruit?! Well, not that nuclear acidic kind. Wait, it's ambushing, fruit AND oral sex. Guess that's why this is Level II fellatio. Sure, smashing a piece of banana against his penis is really going to get him going, but what does it do for me? Guess that's where the mango comes in...
3. Great Things To Do With Your Breasts
"Draw an attention grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in. Or, cook dinner topless and cover your nipples with spaghetti sauce. Get him to try your cooking by licking it off you."
This is a combination of two techniques and the spaghetti sauce is clearly the inferior of the two. I'd suggest using the spaghetti sauce on someone you like and the rhinestones on someone you love. Nothing says love like a mouthful of rhinestones. I'm assuming all that sparkle makes a guy feel really special and rhinestones are soo baller...
4. Blast His Hot Spots
"Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed and give him a strategic spritz to extend your encounter. Aim for sensitive areas like his penis, nipples, and face."
Best advice by far...spray him in the face with ice water. Who knew a cat training technique would be such a turn on to guys?
5. Spice Things Up
"Give him a beer facial. The combination of the egg white and yeast in the hops will hydrate his tired face and improve skin elasticity. You don't have to explain this, you just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious beer flavored face."
Oh, his tired face. I'd use cheap beer...because it may not taste good in the can but it's going to taste soo much better once it's on his face. The staging of this is a little unclear but I'm assuming you're going to want to put this on his face and then have sex with him...so the mask has time to harden. When you're done throwing him that unforgettable party...you can eat the eggs and beer right off his face. Soo hot.
Thanks Cosmo!
That day could be today...
show me the money...
I was talking to a guy in a bar the other night. He seemed a little full of himself but not particularly bad. He told me he'd like to take me out sometime and instead of asking for my number, he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, wrote his number on it, and gave it to me as he was leaving.
I looked down at the paper and realized he'd written his number on the back of an ATM receipt…an ATM receipt showing his checking account balance. I felt bad looking at the balance until I realized that's precisely why he gave me his number this way. I was supposed to see that he…or someone he knows…has an $87,000 checking account balance.
I suppose this works on some people…like hookers…but I'm not a hooker and I'm not going to go out with someone just because they have $87,000 in their checking account. That being said, I don't actually believe this was his bank balance but if it was, I judge him, because why wouldn't you put that money somewhere where it accrues interest? That's just bad money management. Whatever...he probably got it from a friend or dug it out of the trash next to an ATM in Beverly Hills. I say this because I've realized how many people out here are completely full of sh**. It can be a lot of smoke and mirrors and I think giving a woman an ATM receipt is another example of the ridiculous games people play in this town. Frankly, I find women who go out with men solely for their money pathetic and gross.
Men with manners are sexy...handing out your bank balance is not...it's tacky.
I showed the receipt to my friends and the bartenders when they asked what we were so hotly debating. After much discussion, the consensus was that this tactic probably works like magic in LA…he just hit the wrong bar.
I left his ATM receipt on the bar next to my empty drink.
(Photo courtesy of Rich Kids of Instagram)
varnish bar...
Tucked in the back of Cole's on E. 6th is the Varnish Bar, the LA outpost of Sasha Petraske and Eric Alperin, the guys behind New York's Milk & Honey. Yes, it's another one of those speakeasy-esque bars but the people there roll their eyes when this word is thrown around.
"I'm so tired of hearing that," said the bartender. "Come on, it's legal to drink, let's just shut up and get on with it." Exactly.
When you boil this resurgence of everything 1890 down, what we are really getting back to are the basics…and I, for one, am thankful. Men are so much better dressed these days and you have to appreciate that. The whole giant man baby thing was getting pretty disgusting. Sure, the vests, hats, suspenders, etc can get to be a little much, but there are always going to be those people who take things to the point of ridiculous and that just can't be helped. Someone has to be absurd so we have people to laugh at. But the fact that people are focusing on the details again really isn't a bad thing. As much as you may hate all the brouhaha (and trust me, I'm going to slap the next bartender who tells me he's opening up the basil by slapping it)…I will admit that the cocktails have gotten better, men are dressing better, bar interiors are more thoughtful…and that's all great in my book.
The Varnish does the classics…lots of gin, whiskey, and rum cocktails…and they do them exceptionally well. The cocktails are beautifully crafted and unless you ask, they do not come with a lecture...the glassware is lovely, and the music doesn't make you feel like you are stuck in some horrible Cancun nightclub. In short, when it's not crowded, the Varnish is fantastic.
(FTR: I should note that the last time I was here during Art Walk, I had a wee bit too much whiskey and inexplicably...or for reasons I cannot recollect, was gently escorted out of Cole's. I also passed out on a couch and had my car towed. So yes, ashamedly, sometimes I'm that person behaving as though it's Cancun in the middle of Spring Break...)
pigeons...
I saw a man reading poetry to pigeons in the park the other day. When he got too loud, they would move a little and then he'd follow them. I think they kept moving because he was yelling something about seeing the pride in panthers and I imagine pigeons don't like panthers very much.
I asked him what he was reading. He told me it was the poetry of Tupac Shakur.
Amazing.
yes...
Some of the greatest experiences I've ever had have come about because I've agreed to things before putting a lot of thought into them. I think people have a tendency to talk themselves out of things. We put things off for a better time that never comes, wait for money that never materializes, and life is passing us by. I'm not advocating being rash or stupid…just more adventurous and open to possibility.
August is my YES month.
This experiment was a little easier before I started telling people about my plan…then it got a little manipulative/asinine and I had to work in some rules. Yes is in response to an invitation, which means the other person/people must be willing to do whatever is proposed (threesomes, porn, and sex in general has been taken out of the equation since apparently my friends are a bunch of hornballs). This isn't about daring myself to do stupid and abhorrent things…it's about expanding the circle of my experience.
So far, I've said yes to:
1. Road trip to the Grand Canyon
2. Trapeze class
3. Archery
4. Bungee jumping
5. Hot air balloon ride
6. Las Vegas
7. Eat a scorpion (there is a restaurant where you can do that)
8. Chop down a tree with an axe
9. Jump in Sky Bar pool with all my clothes on
10. Climb a building
11. Build a road bike
12. Go Zorbing - I haven't looked up what this is yet...
13. Enter a dance contest - for tango
Obviously, some of this is going to take training (hello tango) and time...so another rule was established that anything not accomplished by the end of August needs to be completed by the end of September. Some of it is going to be ongoing and things that I start in August...like 14, which I'm adding now.
14. Volunteer at the Boys & Girls Club
We'll see how it goes.
show me the money...
I was talking to a guy in a bar the other night. He seemed a little full of himself but not particularly bad. He told me he'd like to take me out sometime and instead of asking for my number, he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, wrote his number on it, and gave it to me as he was leaving.
I looked down at the paper and realized he'd written his number on the back of an ATM receipt…an ATM receipt showing his checking account balance. I felt bad looking at the balance until I realized that's precisely why he gave me his number this way. I was supposed to see that he…or someone he knows…has an $87,000 checking account balance.
I suppose this works on some people…like hookers…but I'm not a hooker and I'm not going to go out with someone just because they have $87,000 in their checking account. That being said, I didn't actually believe that was his bank balance. He probably got it from a friend or dug it out of the trash next to an ATM in Beverly Hills…because if it was his, I'd like to assume he'd have a little more tact. I think of it as an example of the ridiculous games people play in this town and frankly…it's gross.
I showed it to my friends and the bartenders when they asked what we were debating. The consensus was that this tactic probably works like magic in LA…he just hit the wrong bar.
I left the receipt on the bar next to my empty drink.
(Photo courtesy of Rich Kids of Instagram)
advice you can follow...
My grandmother died when I was sixteen. I wish we'd had more time together. She gave me some advice that I remember to this day...
1. The three day rule
Give something a minute. If you don't think you'll care about something in three days…it's not worth caring about it now. If you've forgotten about it in three days, it's much better than regretting doing/buying something that would have turned out to be so trivial.
2. Be your harshest critic
If you think something is crap, don't put it out there. What you create is a reflection of who you are. If you are half ass'ing something, you are half ass'ing your own life.
3. Don't do anything you want to keep secret
Secrets always get found out and you shouldn't be doing anything you will be ashamed of. Much easier said than done but sooo sooo true.
4. Listen
It's harder than it sounds. A lot of people wait to talk and waiting is not listening. If you can't at least listen to others and try to see their point of view, you will become a prisoner to your own, and there is not a lot of growth in that.
5. Surround yourself with good people
Surround yourself with smart, creative, and ambitious people. People with different experiences than your own will open up your life...they will push you, and they will encourage you to grow. If you don't want to spend your life on a couch, it's probably time to let go of your friends who do.
She was also always telling me I have a champagne appetite and a beer budget. In that regard, not a lot has changed since I was sixteen...
the before and after...
Summer always seems to bring out my love for all things Italian. A picnic becomes so much more than food on a blanket when you add a little San Pelligrino or a Campari and soda. Long late summer dinners reach new heights of relaxation when you finish them off with some Fernet.
Sure, Fernet might taste like old lady medicine the first time you drink it…but give it a chance. It is awesome and it goes so well with knit club…
In case you hadn't noticed…aperitifs and digestifs are making a big comeback.
I wish I liked anise because I've always loved watching people add ice and water to Pernod…it gets all cloudy and the ritual of the whole thing is rather romantic but no matter how many times I give it a go…my body still despises the taste of licorice. Yuck. If I'm going French with my aperitif…I stick to Lillet on the rocks or a lovely Kir.
But Fernet Branca is my favorite favorite. It's quiet and understated and it will wake up your whole face. It is not Jagermeister…so please please don't shoot it. I know they are serving it with ginger ale shooters these days, but why?! Just don't. I watched a guy pound some Fernet at Harvard & Stone and I wish I had a picture of his face because he looked like a raisin.
Serves him right I suppose.
cate blanchett...
Cate Blanchett rules! I have soo much faith in my movie girlfriend, I will see anything she is in. Think about how many actors you would say that about. Cate Blanchett can read a phone book and elevate it to the level of art. She's amazing, she's beautiful, and most importantly, she hasn't sold her soul to the monster that is Hollywood.
Some people in this city actually believe that the quickest way to success is getting their face plastered all over some trashy gossip rag, or partying at a club with Lindsay Lohan. Sure, this city is about connections and you'll get a certain amount of attention going out and behaving badly…but when the hell did celebrity become conflated with notoriety? A sex tape used to be something people were ashamed of. Now it's the launch of a 65 million dollar reality tv show empire and countless cheap product lines.
I'm tired of celebrity being mistaken for work. I'm tired of having to consciously avert my eyes from the pile of shit waiting for me at the end of a grocery checkout line. When I go to a movie, I want to get lost in the story…and that's getting harder and harder to do…especially when I've just seen pictures of the lead actor getting out of a car with no underwear on. We…and Hollywood…need some goddamn boundaries!!!
Cate Blanchett has boundaries…a simple concept that allows her to inhabit her characters in a way most actors can't. Cate Blanchett sells her work, not her life. How much would you sell your freedom, your privacy, and your dignity for? I don't think being an actor means you have to sign your life away…that's just become an easy step to hollow and fleeting celebrity. Consider Matt Damon. Or Philip Seymour Hoffman. Or Michelle Williams. These actors are working, they are successful, and they are doing it without resorting to shallow and disgusting displays of narcissism.
c'est la vie...
Take away love and our earth is a tomb. - Robert Browning
Lust is an amazing thing. You can fall into a relationship based entirely on lust but you get a little older and the shelf life of these "relationships" get progressively shorter. Lust can create the initial bond between two people but it's an artificial closeness…and if you have nothing beyond that…there is no way even the hottest coupling can hold it together. That's because without substance, it's not hot anymore.
Lust is easy… love isn't. I think some people often confuse the two.
I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather be a little lonely than with someone I don't love. Because if you've ever been in love…I mean really loved someone with every fiber of your being…you know there is nothing greater. I can't give up on the possibility of finding love that permeates everything and being with someone and living without love just isn't worth it.
the pickleback...
There is surprisingly little written on the origins of the pickleback…a shot of Jameson immediately followed by a shot of pickle juice, and it's gotten to the point where every bar I go to seems to be taking credit for its invention. Despite some LA bars protestations, I think we all know this shot was first created somewhere in New York and only traveled west after reaching minor popularity in Brooklyn.
The key to the pickleback is not to try and dress it up. Stick to Jameson and pound some PBR after. More expensive whiskey will just be wasted in this shot and anything worse than Jameson will have you really hating yourself the next morning. Going to a place that uses a good brine is important too. There is nothing worse than getting a pickleback at a bar that doesn't normally do them and then ending up with pickle brine that tastes more like old feet than pickles (I'm talking to you Cat & Fiddle!).
Whiskey and I have long been simpatico, but the beauty of the pickleback is that it gets non-whiskey drinkers in on the action. The pickle juice neutralizes the burn of the whiskey and leaves a slightly umami type flavor in your mouth. This is part of the beauty and the danger of the pickleback. You'll immediately be wanting more and the next thing you know, you're jumping up and down to 'Call Me Maybe' at Whiskey Tavern with a bunch of strangers, having a heart to heart with the bartender, and instigating 3am drunken Jenga competitions.
Another wonderful thing about the pickleback is it seems to know precisely when it's time to call it a night. We trudged home from Whiskey Tavern amongst rats the size of small cats and the picklebacks started to wear off about the same time that our subway ride ended. Good times…
a question of faith...
Recently, I've had an inordinate number of conversations regarding faith. Well, it would be more accurate to say that I've received a series of admonishments re: the fact that I still possess any faith more than I've had real conversations about it. A conversation would imply that there was a dialogue and what I'm referring to usually just consists of people telling me that were I more enlightened or researched, I would have dispensed with my faith a long time ago. I have a heart condition and some have actually suggested that my heart is responsible for my "irrational" belief. I've been labeled a medical zebra… a fanciful little term…because my condition does not prescribe to the rules that have been attributed to it by modern medicine. So yes, you could say this has made me all the more unwilling to cast off my faith in favor of a science that fails to explain the breadth of my physicality…but it also clearly demonstrates that our failure to understand something in its entirety cannot negate its existence. Needless to say, the suggestion that my faulty heart is responsible for my faith is just as stupid as it is insulting. While I can, on a certain level, understand those who might want, for whatever reason, to dispense with faith…I cannot comprehend why their choice to throw it off has to bring my judgment into question. I think my ability to empathize with such a view is a testament to my possession of the very rationality I have been told I am lacking.
Why does my belief in something others don't prescribe to have to ultimately equate to some kind of deficiency? What is a genuine understanding of something anyway? My personal experience has shown me that we cannot concluded that the present course of human evolution of knowledge is only to be gained from ordinary science.
And I have to ask...is it not the very nature of man to believe?
As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that faith isn't something you ever have to defend. It is a profound knowing you have within you that cannot always be explained or necessarily understood. And despite the ineffable quality of faith, I think modern scientific methodology and spirituality can be in complete accord. All we need to do is look at the process of how we go about knowing with any certainty. Our knowing is usually independent of whatever thing we are investigating. Knowledge of something presupposes knowledge of the self doing the task. So….it would make sense that knowledge of god, or faith, or whatever you want to call it, is ultimately a question of self knowledge.
Immanuel Kant believed that our ability to know is inextricably bound up with the way our senses are organized. Kant maintained that concepts without perception are empty and any perception other than the physical world is not known to ordinary consciousness. The stress here should be on ordinary consciousness. I believe that when we think, or have a concept of spirituality, we are already participating in a world where the concepts themselves are not derived from sense experience. The idea of a straight line of thought does not come from the physical world…which can be perfect and absolute chaos. We are able to recognize a straight progression of things because the idea, a nonphysical thing, lives within us. I think concepts do not necessarily come from seeing the physical world but more from how that outside world informs a sort of seeing within us. Artists understand this feeling/phenomena…wherein concepts and inspiration arise seemingly out of thin air. Tapping into our intuition means that we are in essence contacting a sort of supersensory world. Yes, when we perceive sensible objects our senses provide input from the sensible world…but is it not the concept that allows us to know what we are seeing? Our activity, which usually goes unnoticed, consists in the addition of the concept. This is what we call thinking. Higher reflective thinking obviously requires searching for concepts but so, too, does simple seeing.
If we can grasp thinking by means of itself…we have to ask the question of whether or not we could also grasp anything else through it…aka faith. I think faith is a consciousness where, in the act of knowing, the concept and the percept are one. I should make clear that I don't believe that faith can only unfold within us through the strict adherence to a given set of rules outlined by some establishment, nor am I willing to root my faith in the belief that anyone was born into sin. I think of faith more as the germination of this inner phenomenon of knowledge…and how you obtain this knowledge is up to you. Whether you subscribe to a specific institutionalized method of beliefs, conform to a doctrine that tells you bad deeds result in eternal damnation, or dance around trees, your practice should be your own.
I think the most important thing is not whether or not we believe in the same thing…it's whether or not we have faith. I think faith is necessary for our soul. When we have no faith, be it in god, or this earth, or love, or other people…we shrivel up inside and something in ourselves, in our potential, goes to waste. Faith may be imperceptible via ordinary consciousness but it's effects on our selves isn't. Faith is invigorating. Faith, as I perceive it, is living in a undeniable state of grace.
And I know, with absolute certainty, that without such grace, my life would most certainly be incomplete.
happy birthday
santiago calatrava
07.28.1951 -
#followfriday...
If you aren't wasting time on Twitter yet...you need to get on it. I've been struggling through boring meetings without Twitter for years...and what for? So I can sit through another horrible four hour PowerPoint presentation while a stupid presenter reads each slide word for word? Or so I can listen to someone talk about 'shifting the paradigm' or 'thinking outside the box' one more time?
140 characters could save your life...or at least keep you from falling asleep.
My current top six on Twitter (because everyone else always does five):
@charstarlene - "Just cleaned my apartment, so you have about a two-day window to come over and hook up with me."
@robdelaney - "My other car is a dancing horse. Bumper sticker on Mitt Romney's limo."
@BorowitzReport - "If the Internet is any guide, the two things pro-gun people hate most are 1) background check and 2) spell check."
@briansantamaria - "The office dress code on Mt Olumpus is nothing but gold espadrilles. #Immortals"
@birbigs - "The genius bar should serve whiskey."
@MrGeorgeWallace - "Shout out to all school janitors. Walking around with all those KEYs and what not."
survive...
The Just In Case Survival Guide. Just because you might die doesn't mean you can't do so in an impeccably stylish manner...