frank was wrong. happiness was the ultimate mind killer. There was no worse of an experience than pure happiness, and the near immediate loss of it. God forbid someone have hope for this life, endless infuriating hope that robs you of all breath every day. It's like you're punished for wanting something better for yourself. Or you're punished for wanting something back, for living in the past. I found peace and a sick sense of relief in my depression. Nothing surprised me anymore, nothing could make me feel any worse. But rock bottom isn't rock at all, and I found you can keep punching through the floor and hit each next one with the same intensity as the one before it. One thing about falling from a high place is that you can look up and see exactly where you used to be. Like looking upwards at God and knowing he won't throw a bone to us poor dogs stewing in hell on earth. Happiness is the cruelest emotion.