Dear Journal

There is so much that I would love to talk and write about Norwalk, Connecticut. First of all, this is a beautiful town both in spirit and physical scenery. I love it here. It is my adopted town. I found my freedom here and I have been lucky enough to...

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NOTHING MAKES SENSE!!!

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#Hartfordct

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#Hartfordct #Uconn #triphome

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#Farmington #dentalappointment

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One Day at a Time, I guess.

This is my third trip across state to my dental appointment. 

Crazy, huh? 

Almost three hours of driving to a dental appointment... well, its worth it!

...Feeling a bit anxious and a bit worried. Anxious because I am really out here on my own, just me and the urge to write. And by ‘out here’, I mean, in Connecticut, in the United States, in the western hemisphere; quite lonely. 

Worried because I’m not sure what awaits me today. I have a loan to repay to TCC, well 20%... they have helped me to cover my dental cost (I owe a great deal to TCC. Its exhausting that I cant really do much now). 

But I am also worried because I am not exactly sure how I am going to get back (transportation wise). 

On my last two trips, I was able to use the taxi service, but because of how expensive it is, I will have to find a more affordable mean to get home. I know that I can use the local bus service but I am not exactly sure about the scheduling and what bus I will be taking. Feeling even more exhausted!

But anyways, there have been other things on my mind while I on the train. My family uhh! It sucks thinking about how terrible our relationship is now, well, there is no longer a relationship. To them, I am probably dead. 

Thats kinda how I want it to be but on this flip side, its daunting being alive and not being able to communicate with my favorite grandma, cousins and aunt. Life really sucks!

I have been talking to my mother in Jamaica though. But its depressing talking to her... I feel extremely guilty about not being able to be honest with her about my life. 

I am not happy about constantly lying to my mother. 

It stresses me out at nights. 

But I guess, thats how it has to be, at least for now. 

Also, my relationship with people since being out here has also been depressing. I cant trust the people I interact with everyday... either they are trying to disrespect me by ignoring my calls and emails; lying and pretending before my face; looking down at me when I am going through difficult times or just all out judging me, because I am a LOW-CLASS, BLACK, GAY, IMMIGRANT! 

It sucks!

One thing they constantly remind me of through their actions is that I am not entitled to anything. So quite frankly, I dont call them friends and I dont need to make my life any more negative than it already is by forcing myself on them. 

Finally, I have been wait-listed for Hampshire College, so now I am just applying to the local community college... I have been trying to get instate tuition, but its a rough road. I have a placement test next week, which I have been working towards and the admissions department asked me to call them once I complete the test, so I will see what happens and try to relax. 

With so much going on, I feel like I am in a whirlwind. 

Nevertheless, its back to my dental appointment at UCONN, Farmington. My dentist is awesome so, wish me luck. 

***I shared some of my pictures n my trip***

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College is a must!!!

So its officially 2 days after I received my fourth college response letter but this time it is a little unusual from the ones I had before. I have been placed on a waiting list, having been beaten out of a spot by about another 300 other applicants who were either more talented, richer, better supported or better liked. Well, I don’t know, it was a little devastating though. 

I have been working on getting into this college for the last 7 months and I’ve only come to know now that I may not be attending. It’s really sad! I feel ashamed... I have began to doubt myself but from a lesson earlier learnt, I had a plan ‘B”. I chose a more feasible option, going to a community college in my neighborhood for another year or two and getting the right credentials I need to get into a four year college. 

Hampshire College was the dream school. I had posters on my wall, I had started telling people about Hampshire and I was ready to take the trip to Massachusetts. But instead, I am now planning on taking the public bus across town to apply to my local community college. 

Not a bad choice it seems, at least that I have been told... Its more affordable, its more practical and I still have some freedom to get my life together. 

The good thing about the position I am now in is that I have a job that I will be able to keep since I will be around for a while - well, a part-time job but a job nonetheless and I have a great boss. She has given me some practical advise and some well-needed encouragement. 

I am not earning a hefty lot at the moment and that’s why I need a second Job but I do get to pay my rent and get some very important items whenever I need them. 

I know that since I wont be moving to Hampshire this fall, I will have to start planning on moving out of the current supportive housing situation that I am in. Very soon, I will entirely be on my own. Its a little frustrating when you think about it, 

I am sort of prepared for anything though. I really like the town that I am living in now, its really small and friendly and there is a lot of support services that I may need going forward... But it can get really expensive,and I am not sure if I will be able to find an affordable apartment or a shared room situation. 

I am optimistic though, I will be applying to school nonetheless, I have a job, i know good people, I have been saving some money and I still believe in myself... but if I have to live in a shelter, nothing will stop me from going to school. 

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My blog about my bog…

Since recently or since the start of the year I have started two youth blogs. One focuses on LGBT issues, immigration issues and racism and the other is about music.

It’s been humbling, for one and it has also been a learning experience. I not only learn the rues of blogging or develop a skill thereof but I also learn how to connect with people, bringing out the best ideas and also learning how to persevere regardless of whatever challenges I face.

If I make a mistake, I do my homework and I return with a more disciplined piece, vowing not to return to the same error.

In other cases, it has been very uplifting, going back over my older posts and responding to respondents, gives me an insight into how people are thinking; for the most part the response has been positive and that is extremely encouraging.

So week after week I grab my pen and notebook and I scribe my thoughts before making my final post online.

Conveniently I work for the same organization, on whose site I blog, so now and then I communicate with people on the production floor to see how they are thinking. That way I am better able to understand the community and my target audience.

Turning Point is a non-profit in Connecticut that is operated by youth who are recovering from drug addiction and mental illness. It is financed through the umbrella organization, known as the South West Regional Mental Health Board.

I have been lucky enough to have been afforded a space on their site to share my thoughts and do what I love to do.

Turning Point is still fairly new and I know that I, like all the other youth workers are looking forward to making their lives productive and accomplishing great things.

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#oilpainting #FightingDepression #stayingpositive

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Painting My Way Out of Depression

Fantastic! I have finally taken up painting again. Have been thinking about it for the last few months... took me some time to get organized and motivated. 

Now that I have some free time on my hand I can finally compose some of my best imaginations. 

Painting is therapeutic and its just a great way for me to enjoy some ‘lone’ time. 

Getting up early on Saturday morning - setting my stuff up is the new routine that gets me going. Pretty smooth!

With my own apartment, my own space, whats better?

Since recently I have been n the habit of painting human figures, particularly faces of famous artist - images that people can easily recognize and critic and so far I have gotten some great responses. 

...Now and then, if I think a ‘piece’ is good enough, I post it on my Instagram. That too has been fun... I get up early or whenever and post a few clever quotes and patiently anticipate the responses. Funny huh? 

Well, its just another testy way for me to take on the world. 

I like to evoke emotions through imagery and thought and I think so far I have been reaching people. 

Sometimes I paint scenic portraits... lively and sunny, dark and gloomy, just about anything that appeals to me at the moment. 

Waking up the next day to my paintings on the wall is uplifting. I use this inspiration to prepare myself for each day - work, appointments, social or whatever and it works.

If I am having a bad day, I can look to my paintings for justice. 

I am still an amateur though... I really want to get serious... just for the fun of it. 

Once I have some money, I want to invest in some more painting equipment and maybe take my work outside, especially since summer is almost here. 

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Amazing day in Wesport!

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Charity Isn’t too much to Ask

Yesterday I did my fourth food drive with the Mid Fairfield project (MFAP). When I say ‘Aids’ people usually think ‘disease that kills’, but do I have to remind you that HIV or Aids are not a death sentences?

When I am on duty with MFAP I think charity… I think about the people who are less fortunate, who are disabled, homeless or can’t find a meal and so since last September/October I have been volunteering with MFAP to ensure that their pantries are stocked, especially throughout the winter.

Today was no different from the other food drives that I participated in and in fact, I had a good time. We started at about 10 a.m. on a cold winter morning in Westport, and throughout the day we had a good time.

We had a little anxiety at the beginning not knowing if enough people would donate. Well, we didn’t have to worry for too long, about 30 minutes into the program, donations started pouring in. At some point, we received so much food and monetary donations that we began to feel overwhelmed thinking that it must be too good to be true.

can we manage this much food? How do we show our appreciation?

Simply saying ‘thank you’ or ‘have a good day’ begins to sound too generic to be good enough. But indeed it mattered and it worked – I saw it through the smile and laughter of the people who responded. One guy came up to me and gave me $100. I was so anxious, I almost didn’t know what to say or do. He refused a receipt and all I remember saying was “thank you”. It was eye-opening looking at $100 in my hand from a complete stranger. But more people came along and donated up to $50 in groceries; it was fascinating.

This experience taught me two things – or maybe more – there were a lot of people who wanted to help and America still has some of the most considerate people in the world.

Altogether, it was an amazing day, I met some new friends and I went home feeling accomplished after another well spent day – really thrilling.

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Highlights from Black History Month setup

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Taking Control of the Mic

Just yesterday my local LGBT center in Norwalk hosted its first Black History Month event… an open mic.

And I was extremely proud of the organizers. I am proud of the fact that despite being a majority white community they are making the effort to improve on inclusiveness and I am also proud that they have created a platform for black LGBT individuals to express their thoughts and concerns.

Overall everything went well, I think that the performers were good… that is the random folks, some complete strangers, who took the stage to present their talents. The event was scheduled for two hours but it ended after an hour and half due to the fact that there weren’t as many people to fill the two hour slot.

But no hard feelings, it was superb… everyone who wanted to perform got a good shot.

From the comedians to the storytellers and the poets…

There were individuals who were probably too shy to perform. Nonetheless we had a good time and next year should be much better.

The decision has been made to have an open mic on a monthly basis and I am just excited to see what they will bring to the table.

Next month is women’s month and exploring the role women play in today’s society, their history and the existing fight for gender equality should be among some of the themes to expect.

I am really excited. I plan to find something special to do in the process of working on my confidence and the things that I love to do. I like the performing arts… I love writing poems but now I want to present them, so no doubt this is just a great opportunity to get a push start.

The event we had yesterday was just perfect for me. I was extremely nervous but the people around were very positive and indeed they cheered me on to stand before the small crowd and challenge my inner fears.

And indeed I did… It was a revealing moment for me; things are not as bad as it seems and being confident, taking control and disregarding all forms of negativity all makes for an amazing feeling.

I am happy about this even and I am looking forward to more open mics.

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Teddy

Watching a pet fondly at play can be therapeutic.

Over the last few weeks I have gotten to know this little guy, Teddy.

Too bad he is not my pet but I get to spend an hour with him, four days per week.

Being with Teddy has allowed me to show compassion, to develop humility and to be patient.

Teddy is about 6 weeks by now and as he grows he becomes more adventurous, excited and exploratory.

 You grow and as you become more aware of your surroundings you strive to make the most of it.

I don’t usually argue with Teddy…LOL. I don’t prevent the guy from getting to know life… well of course, you have to keep him safe but you have to let him learn from his mistakes.

Teddy is a cocker spaniel, a really cute dog, the minute you see him you just want to grab him in your arms.

I’m a little less attractive, I’m not the kind of person you see and immediately want to hug. I’m not easy to figure out and I have a very hard time trying to figure out myself as well.

 I’m coming from a place where I had to distance myself from people because of my struggle due to child abuse and homophobia. I never had the opportunity to be ‘me’, to be myself and to learn from my own mistakes. Maybe if I had opportunities of such, I would probably not be as neurotic as I am currently nor as fearful to experiment, dream and achieve.

 But day after day, I learn to be more appreciative of life.

Yes, I am still a little vulnerable, I worry about everything.

But though my journey with Teddy and with every new endeavor that I encounter, I try to learn something…and that’s so I can be stronger and be a better person.

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