you are what you love

"Doesn't make it any less admirable," faith wasn't something Ashton was very familiar with, though it doesn't mean Ash would turn his nose up to it. Whatever that gets people through the day and through their lives, and keep waking up for tomorrow in the world they lived in today, that's enough. He couldn't help to light snort and laughter at the imagination of Hannah ever being a missionary, as funny as it was, he could see it, "he might've been onto something." Hannah was kind, empathetic, guess there was a different way for her to help people if not what she did now. "I agree," Ashton took back the cloth, looking over to her face noticing it not doing its job. He left the basket with her as he stood up and took a few steps closer to the Hudson's waters, dipping the cloth into the cold water to soak and clean it, "my grandmother used to make the whole family go to church, but I've pretty much lost faith in.. faith." After all the death and loss in his life, even before the fall, perhaps the anger and grief manifested in ways that tossed out the idea that any kind of higher power existed, because why would they be so cruel?

He squeezes out the access water from the cloth, coming back with a clean damp one gesturing a polite may I? to help her wipe off the soil and dirt that stubbornly stayed. His hand instinctively froze when she glanced up to him at the mention of his father, it was hard to ignore the soft twinge that twisted in his chest - the first experience with loss, death, grief, that despite it dulling, still hurts. But his gaze was soft, sadness settling beneath the blues in the smile he still held, "I guess.. because I don't have much to talk about," he hands continued wiping off the dirt, "my dad was out on deployment a lot growing up, until we lost him, but he was always a good father when he was around. Just that most of the things I know about him were only told to me second hand." Something always made it easy to talk to Hannah about difficult topics he usually avoided.

"I'm sure my mom has better stories to tell about dad," Ash chuckled knowing their sickeningly sweet love story had been recounted to him before, once as a kid found it gross and yucky, and now as an adult realized how wonderful and rare love like that was. "And you? I haven't heard much about your family before."

She catches a pop of yellow ahead of her and Hannah moves closer to better appreciate the sight. It's nothing special. Just a handful of wildflowers, more weed than petal. But it's the warmest yellow she's come across in a long time; the world around her usually dulled by dust and time. Even at the farm the crops and flowers seemed to have had some of the life pulled out of them ( the ground needs time to heal, the soil is tired and overworked ). Hannah had mentioned this to Hope several times but had been assured she was seeing something that wasn't there.

"That happens," Hannah agreed solemnly, standing back up in time to notice him approaching. "It's not an easy pill to swallow. I don't think it's meant to be." She gives a warm smile that acts as permission to his question with the rag. She's not bothered. Hannah's always been better at making messes than cleaning them up.

"Your mama must have loved him a lot to put up with those deployments." And what came with them: danger, trauma, drinking problems. Hannah had spoken with veterans from different generations and despite their differences she could always see the invisible wounds they carried. Not to mention the way it affected their families. Divorce was common, cheating happened frequently. Domestic violence was rampant both in and out of uniform. And yet men and women continued to follow that path. Hannah's heart would always be heavy for those kind of sacrifices, but it had never been the reason for her trust in Ashton.

"You spend a lot of time playing soldier together in the backyard?" Hannah jokes softly. She puts her hands in her pockets before looking left and right, slowly scanning the area for anything else of interest. She's searching for her words just as hard. Hannah wants to paint the right picture of her family. "They were so.. full." Of joy? Of life? "My mama was always hosting bingo or book club or organizing a bake off for someone's son's little league." She was a busy body. It was clear where Hannah got it from.

Hannah points a few hundred feet down the shore to a cropping of rocks, more blue flowers blooming between them. "And my daddy wasn't too different. Usually having coffee with the neighbors and geeking out over which crossbreeds they were planting this year." After indicating to Ashton Hannah starts heading that direction. "...When it was all starting, they really wanted to go check on people. I had to put on the wet works to stop them." Not that her tears had been out of manipulation. They were entirely real; she'd been terrified.

Ash's smile faltered if only just a bit to take a moment at the reminder of the fact that everyone has faced loss whether in this world or before. The way Hannah spoke about June's grandmother, perhaps it's easy to note that it's the latter for her. "I bet she's incredibly proud," of June, of Hannah, of both of them still standing, still living with what life they can make.

Once the topic opened wider than to the specifics, he met her warm smile and promise with something akin to polite doubt, perhaps he didn't have enough foresight to see it all worth it yet, perhaps there's too much hurt that Ash didn't want to share or experience ever again, but it sounded like a nice idea. He stayed quiet for a long while deep in thought before snapping out of it with movement from Hannah, blue flickering up with a wave of a hand dismissing the idea that it was bullshit. He believed that it was truly her experience and what she's gone through that made her life feel lived and worth it. "I admire your optimism," he chuckled, pulling out a cloth from the basket and handing it to her. He wished he had the same outlook in life as her, to go through all the pain and still come out believing it's worth it. "But I don't think it's a bullshit way of thinking, it's nice, makes the pain tolerable."

She hopes her mama is proud but there's still days Hannah is unsure of her place in this world. It's as if she's gone to step and suddenly realized the Earth is no longer below her; doubt and panic winning over any attempts of self-compassion. Butcher holds her through those moments in a way Roman never could. She couldn't fall apart in front of him, not completely. The emotional distance between them was the reason their marriage was never going to make it. Hannah says none of this and simply smiles at the sentiment.

"It's Faith." Hannah shrugged in agreement. Faith in Gd, Faith in humanity. At the end of the day Hannah felt they were one and the same. She takes the cloth and wipes at her brow. She gets more sweat than dirt on it and her face is still smudged by the time she hands it back. "Daddy used to joke that I would've been a great missionary." But be as it was Hannah was Jewish not Christian and they weren't big on proselytization. "I don't really care what anyone believes in. I don't think that's the measure of someone's worth." She doubts that will surprise him. Hannah believes in Goodness in all its forms. It didn't have to be someone who loved Gd as much as she did. It could be a weary soul carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, refusing the collapse.

She looks up at him in what she hopes is a friendly expression. "You don't talk about your dad very much." Contrasted by the frequent mention of Mama Ryder. Her words are an invination. She doesn't mean to pry.

becherdireinen

being loved by me is a privilege because i will literally love you with everything in me.

#vibes

365filmsbyauroranocte

La Belle Noiseuse (Jacques Rivette, 1991)

#mirror

"June really is a gem," Ash chuckled, watching back over as Hannah made her way across to the patch, handling herself just fine but he was ready to help her if needed, "she's a good kid." He had a side smile, grateful for her all the same, Hannah knew more than anyone how much that little girl kept Ash going for simply caring about him at his lowest. Not only that but being there for each other with Maisie, they were insanely strong girls surviving through this world. "And I'm sure she's learnt from the best."

He looked up from the flowers as Hannah answered his passing thought unexpectedly. It was a deeper level of the feeling described than he would thought. His parents' marriage was the only one he's really witnessed through, and it absolutely was.. something beautiful, probably a younger version of him took it for granted that the moment you found love, that's what it was going to be. It never seemed to be the case for him. "..being seen sounds nice," he murmured, still in his thoughts with a small faint smile, Hannah's perspective of it was a nice way to look at it and what it meant.

The mood melted at the thought of her own past marriage, and he couldn't help but ask, perhaps personally still feeling certain soreness himself, "was it worth the try, at least?" Was it really worth having loved and lost than to never love at all?

For the longest time Hannah could only feel guilt at had strong June was and the circumstances that had required her to be. But as with many things that trouble her, Hannah had found the answer through prayer. June was the product of generations of Jewish women and the cultivation of their struggles and triumphs. Who June was and what she had survived was beautiful. On the really good days Hannah could convince herself this was something worth being proud of.

"She reminds me of her grandmother." And that reminder was painful at times. The memories of Hannah's own mother and the death Hannah had seen firsthand. It was nice to have a piece of her mama alive through those small ways.

Hannah considers the question although she already knows the answer. "It's always worth it," She promises with a warm smile. "Every hurt, every heart break or loss--it's just more life lived." Experiences gained in ways that would forever change you; molding you into the rawest form of yourself. She wipes the back of her brow with a muddy hand, trying to scratch an itch without painting herself brown. "'Course a lot of people tell me that's a bullshit way of thinking about things and that I'm a chronic optimist."

“Hmm, touché,” case in point that Ashton hadn’t met Hannah before all this either, or even all the residents in the building for all the years he lived there. Neither was he like one to seek out meeting new people, Ash had been more than comfortable with the circles he had in his life, small but full enough in his heart. “If I had to meet you as a therapist back then, I bet I’d be a terrible patient,” he scoffed, thinking back of his fill of quote unquote therapists he had been made to go to from the marines. It felt less about him than them trying to cover their asses.

He lead them along near the riverbank before they hit the Hudson, with nature now undisturbed, the city had never looked more vibrant with greenery. Taking a second to at least appreciate that poignant beauty surrounding them in a peace they’ve worked hard to clear out and hold strong. Still he laughed at the new piece of news he hadn’t known about Hannah being revealed today, “really?” Eyes widen with amusement as he silent shook his head for Hannah to continue. “A small gambling lost to pay for striking gold later with June,” he chuckled, he wasn’t much of a gambler himself, too much of a worrier to ever play big, but he guessed most couples married in Vegas would try their new found matrimonial luck from love.

Ash bent down to the flower patches carefully placing the basket on the ground as well for Hannah to populate it further with carefully plucked stems. Outside of the seemingly painful ending in that mentioned marriage though it at least seemed to quell into something respectful between the two, it was an innocent lighthearted conversation had him softly smiling in an absentminded thought out loud, “always wondered what’s it like to get married, and be married.” A fanciful daydream that Ash had never put in the forefront of his priorities in life before.

She could only grin in agreement about his observation. If they'd met under such circumstances Hannah could imagine the walls Ashton would've erected around himself to keep her out. But that was human nature and Hannah would never hold it against someone. Therapy was deeply vulnerable. You were shining a light to the most uncomfortable parts of yourself and there was a near stranger bearing witness. She had been on both sides of that relationship. Hannah's own struggle with mental health in college had been her inspiration to join the field.

The soft flow of the Hudson had drawn Hannah out of the Wexley many times. She'd seen ducks floating across the water, an occasional gull hopping on the banks. There was so much life still living in this world and Hannah never wanted to take it for granted. Her heart was heavy for the loss of so many beautiful species ( humanity, possibly among them ). The world was lesser without Gds creations.

"I would've paid any price for her," Hannah agreed. Her feet moved carefully over broken rocks. Weeds reached from the brown dirt and she was glad to have worn her bell bottoms to protect her ankles from the chiggers. "I think..." She leans down to pull a handle of flowers from their stems. "it's about being seen."

To have someone see the ugly parts of you and not look away. To have proof that you are good & loved in spite of your flaws.

"You can base it on psychology or faith or both, like I have, but I think we're looking for a reflection of ourselves." She sighs slightly, thinking of her own marriage. "Roman and I didn't see each other. We ignored the bad parts." Pretended that they could change each other.

He quietened down to think of the daydream of another life, perhaps he'd be a hockey player, perhaps still a marine, perhaps nothing else would've changed except the end of the world didn't happen, perhaps he'd go on to NASA, perhaps he'd end up settling down in New York or back in Minnesota become a teacher himself. "Maybe so," he simply smiled back with melancholy laced between softly murmured words. He couldn't really imagining himself becoming a dad of his own but the sentiment of it was there. "Perhaps in another life, we'd still come together for this wedding from all our different walks of life." He stopped himself from sitting in the what ifs, knowing he'd drown in them if he let himself.

Ash hummed at the reasoning for the color scheme, something he didn't initially understand other than grumbling of needed a new suit to fit something blue, "hmm, I never knew." He probably would've grumbled a lot less if he knew. He hadn't been one to watch many of Aggie's performances, but even he had at least watch once or twice on the invitation of the other Turner sibling, though never properly meeting her until that faithful day at the blood spilled beach and then as they quarantined together. "I'm surprised Eric hadn't seen one of her shows before," or even let them cross paths in the Wexley considering they were only a few connections of people apart. Perhaps it was fate helping them only meet at the right time.

Ashton stood up with Hannah, carefully holding onto the basket with a corner of the space holding the baby's breath, "I think there had been some blue flowers closer to the water," he suggested with a point in a direction to the small patch of blue swaying in the wind, before he asked with a chuckle, leading the way, "do you think their non-apocalyptic wedding would've still been in Central Park?"

There had been many months spent wondering on different scenarios. The million little choices that could have resulted in Hannah being somewhere entirely different than trapped inside of the Wexley at the end of the world. In the end Hannah had come to peace that this was where she had been meant to be; that despite the horror & tragedy that had wracked the world, her family had endured as well as it could have. She had June and June had the world ( or what amounted to it, thanks to the found family she'd fallen into ). Hannah could ask for nothing more.

"There were lots of dancers trying to make it." And Aggie had been just coming into her own, still so young, so full of potential. Hannah had always joked that she would've been wonderful in a live action Barbie & The Nutcracker. "Just like there were lots of professors or therapists." Hannah teased. The fact that any of them had met before the infection was slim and yet the Wexley was full of those little connections. Aggie & Roman being the most notable for Hannah herself.

She heads in the direction Ash has indicated happy to see the petals matching the vision Hannah had had in her mind. There's a slight purple hue to the color but it's soft and Hannah can make it work. "Did you know I got married in Vegas?" Hannah is not the kind of person someone would picture eloping but considering the mentioned marriage was to Roman, maybe it made sense. "We went gambling right after. Lost eight hundred dollars." The money had felt so unimportant to them. They were young and in love and had a long future ahead of them. "We had a real wedding a few months after." Only one divorce though.

cainxboseman

Eyes blink back at her words, spine shrinking away. Shame causes his skin to lose blood beneath it. A milky pallor looks odd on a man whose skin used to bake beneath the sun all year long. There's nothing that she could know of the reason behind it, so much supports it that goes unsaid, only swirled around his temples, a haunting burden to bear. His brother's blood is tasted against his tongue as if he's back in that small frame again, looking down at the grain dyeing red.

"Our home had its back turned to the Lord long before me," he mutters, pained by sins that have all funneled onto him, beginning with parents who shunned their giver, pushed Him out of their lives and tried to keep Him from their children's. A moment passes, drawing his bare feet closer to the rest of his body, the tall grass winding down beneath his soles. "The betrayal was theirs to learn by."

"Your name is a much kinder gift."

the expertise in which she dissected others' words had not yet abandoned her and it had been a welcome skill when making judgment calls of strangers. what did cain's words say about him? he'd spoken much with little and hannah could not help but to hold them to the light. righteousness and.. guilt? her smile faulters for a moment but returns slightly softer. she knows family is a dangerous subject but it has never stopped her from venturing there. "do you still pray for them?" there's sincerity in her question.

hannah turns her head into the fading sun so the lines of scarred skin can be seen against her face. it is not ugly. it is her--jagged and raw, a sliver that dances from her brow to the corner of her lip. it's only one of several from the attack that nearly took her life. "a man i thought i loved did this to me," she pauses to think of the months spent in a depressed haze after the hospital. "i didn't pray for him for a very long time." hannah had thought that by doing so she was admitting to her own guilt in the situation: painting herself as the reason it had occurred.

it was only when she'd been able to let go of that when hannah was able to find comfort in praying for the man who'd nearly killed her and her family.

#c: cain

In a world with so little left to give, Hannah's kindness will always be admirable. Though by now, Ash is also aware of the tendency of pouring from an empty cup. He could only give back to fill it back up, for everything she's done for him. "I'm sure everyone's gonna love the flowers," a kindness that will be known to everyone. It's been awhile since the feeling if community was pulled back together to prepare for the wedding. As overwhelming as it was to figure it all out, the end was in sight, and it seemed as beautiful as they hoped for it to be.

Ash knelt down together with Hannah, he slung off his bag to pull out a basket they brought along as she looked over the first patch of flowers they found. He flashed back a smile at the simple idea that perhaps shone of brilliance in its simplicity, chuckling at the joke of taking full credit, "please do, I don't have the talent to make use of the idea anyways." He had been (stressfully) working on his own gift instead. Ash gently placed the basket on his lap for her to begin picking at flowers, "I only thought of it because I still see them everyday on my fridge."

He quietened down as he simply watched her pick flowers, mostly afraid to help in case he ruins the flowers, there wasn't exactly a huge supply of them. "Really?" Ash never really knew there was even a smell to baby's breath, "they don't smell like much to me." Tilting his head as he silently inhaled too, maybe it just wasn't a smell that seemed bad, or perhaps he's smelt worse. Like the undead for one, these suddenly feel like a fresh earthy scented candle. "They really are beautiful though, ..like a little cluster of stars." He glanced towards the whole patch of them, imagining them as dotted glows in the sky, "they'll match blues well, right?"

#hannah lore?#hannah lore #jer catching strays in the afterlife #c: ashton

There's a sad smile at a memory of another family portrait she'd done. Maisie and Linds, happy and safe all that time ago at Tobias Wexley's birthday party. In many ways that night had marked the end of a chapter within the community and the start to a terrible new one. Sada's takeover, the months of duress spent walking on eggshells in fear of the group's new leader. It had all accumulated in a loss of life so great Hannah had finally lost herself to the spiral she'd been fighting against for months. Through of series of self destructive events her tumultuous relationship with Butcher had started. Somewhere along the way they both decided to get their shit together and start acting like adults again.

"Maybe in another life you'd recognize the smell." A life where the world had been kinder to them all. Where Ashton had found someone to love and marry and have a baby of his own to rock to sleep at night, filing his nose with the smell of sour milk. She's not sure if this beautiful life would have Jeremiah Rose in it or if the man simply wasn't capable of that sort of loyalty even in this imagined scenario.

She nods both to his comparison of stars and question about matching colors. "Soft blues and whites. It was the color of her costume in her first big show." The painting Hannah had done of it had paid off the mortgage on her parent's home. She continued to pull the flowers until the patch was empty. Hannah stood and wiped her palms against her jeans.

"I like to think that even without the outbreak happening Eric and Aggie would've ended up together." It wasn't exactly impossible considering their respective careers, social circles, proximity to the Wexley. "He would've seen one of her shows and fallen madly in love with her."

haleyatwell

MERYL STREEP as SUZANNE VALE POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE (1990) dir. Mike Nichols

#oh this is lovely #thanks Nikki #vibes

(c)

@cainxboseman

hannah believed in faith. hers may have taken the form of the torah and the connection between gd and the jewish people, but hannah appreciated faith in all its forms ( as long as it wasn't being used to oppress others ). she'd been so looking forward to having a conversation with the southern spiritualist upon his release from quarantine but having such a discussion while grieving her dear lady seemed unwise. she wanted to be strong in her faith but she was human and hurting and hannah was doing everything she could to not hold this loss against that higher power.

so why did she approach that familiar tall figure who sat across from the animal pasture, his hypnotic gaze watching a family of sheep graze in the field?

she smiled politely as she stood in front of him, hands tucked into the back pocket of her jeans because what else was she to do with them. "is cain your real name?" hannah is curious, hopefully polite, in her question. "out of all the names from the bible i didn't figure that one was very popular"

#c: cain #post wedding #the farm

cnehitwcnder

The blonde started out the window was the woman, apparently named Hannah spoke. If they were gonna lock her up like an animal? At least there was a window. Blake looked down on the street below. The people bustling and preparing for an event. A wedding of all things. Like the civilization wasn’t hanging on my a thread. Like the world hadn’t already ended.

Hazel eye drifted from the members of the “community”, back to whoever the fuck this was. Blake hasn’t been too keen on catching names, seeing as she wasn’t so sure on how long she was planning stay. It was always the same. Sooner or later, they all fell. Whether it was raiders, rival groups, or heard coming through. The only thing that ever stayed the same was her inability to die it seemed. “My neck is fine”, she lied. There was a purple necklace that adorned her olive skin, one she had to resist the urge to touch. “I thought I was supposed to be quarantined anyway, is there a reason I’m not here in solitude?”

#c: blake #i love them...

Hannah was used to a defensive attitude. Sometimes she was met with outright hostility. There'd been more than one occasion where she'd feared for her life doing these little check-ins with new and old survivors alike. But she wouldn't stop doing it. She was a helper.

She smiled at Blake's question unable to hide her small amusement at the truth she was telling. "There's an exception to every rule around here." It seemed like a testament to their humanity, the fallibility. Proof that despite their best efforts at putting this community together there was always the chance they'd mess up.

"I'm not one of the doctors or anyone from the council. I don't draw blood and I'm not here to pass judgement on your morality." Hannah tried to offer an explanation for her presence. There was a pause between them as she climbed into one of the dining room's bar stools. "I'm just here to be here. If you need anything." Most people didn't want to talk to her right away and some never warmed up to her and made their disapproval of her presence clear.

But she always stayed. Just in case.

"Aw, you don't have to butter me up, I'm already helping you here," Ash chuckled with a joke, a slightly discomfort in the form of rubbing the back of his neck, compliments weren't really his forte, receiving them even more so. "Yeah, you're right. At least they had fun picking out and tailoring the suit too." The joy on Ember's face was hard to match, especially having once seen her so low before. It stopped Ash from grumbling too much about the whole thing.

A soft hummed grew as they made their way into the grassy patches by the park, feet moving from concrete to soil, quiet day, a very good thing for them. "You mean the flowers aren't your gift?" Ash asked innocently, he didn't exactly know his gift etiquette, but he thought the flowers and bouquet sounded like a good gift. He did know what she meant by distraction though, the news of Lady couldn't be easy, but Ash tried to do the right thing to the best of his abilities for Hannah, and for Lady.

He thought for a little while before giving a suggestion once they got to a small patch where a few hardy wildflowers grew, bending down and gesturing Hannah to check the flowers, "I think a portrait sketch almost like a wedding photoshoot could be perfect for them." Hannah had talents not many did, his heart warmed knowing the photos she redrew still hung carefully on his wall, surely they'd love to have the opportunity to have some kind of wedding photo.

She shook her head at his assumption, moments later her fingers curling the fallen strands right back behind her ear. "The flowers were just a kindness." This was no where near the fairytale wedding Hannah knew Aggie had dreamed of but Aggie's friends had done their best to bridge the gap. Charlie, Rosie, Aspen, Emily, and Hannah had done the majority of the work putting together hand made decorations and stealing away what little supplies they could justify to use for the celebration. All of that work had been easy for Hannah to write off as the least she could offer. "I want to give them something to put in their home. For their new beginning." It was sentimental of her of course.

Hannah kneeled into the dirt without care for the added stains to her dirty jeans. Her hand ran over the colorful petals of the wildflowers, many of which would be considered weeds by actual gardeners. Hannah thought every flower was beautiful in its uniqueness. It was hard to have a favorite when they were all reminders of Gds grace. She looked up at him with sudden excitement in her eyes at his suggestion. "Ash! That's a great idea." The fact she hadn't thought of it sooner was a testament to how long it had been since Hannah had drawn and the realization made her slightly guilty. A reminder that she hadn't been taking very good care of herself lately. Slipping into old habits. "I'm stealing it and taking credit." Hannah joked.

She returned her attention to the ground and began plucking handfuls of white flowers. She lifted a fistful up to her face and took a wistful inhale. "Baby's breath. Most people hate the smell." Because it was said to smell like sour milk. And Hannah agreed that it did; but the scent always conjured memories of baby June milk drunk and spitting up onto Hannah. How could she not cherish that? "But it makes a beautiful addition to an arrangement."