It is likely you will feel the worst of your trauma only after youâre safely away from your abusers. A lot of you need to hear this and be prepared. Even if you didnât have a strong reaction to trauma while it was going on, even if you felt like you were fine, and even if you can manage your symptoms now, once youâre safe (as in, abusers physically canât get to you), the absolute worst of trauma will hit you because it will be finally, for the first time in your life, safe to feel it. This can mean exhaustion like youâve never felt before, because itâs the first time youâre allowed to rest, and you donât have to expect a sneak attack like you normally would. It can mean more panic attacks, more breakdowns, flashbacks, nightmares, feelings of terror, re-living past, feeling frozen in trauma, paralyzing, shaking, crying, having your entire body hurt and ache, your chest feeling like itâs tearing in pieces. You might experience bursts of rage and feel so irritated and restless youâll want to jump out of your body. Your fear of the abuser will increase thousandfold and you will feel like youâd rather die than spend one additional second in their presence after what they did to you. It will become completely insane to you that you were able to live in their presence ever before.
This post-trauma effect isnât irrational or exaggerating, if you feel this itâs because this is how horrible the trauma really was, but your were not able to feel it in the moment for several reasons; one of them is that it was unsafe to feel those things in front of abusers, they have already taught you that you will be punished for displaying trauma symptoms in front of them. To be additionally hurt in the middle of such pain would be unsurvivable. The other is that it would have killed you to feel all that as a kid. Keeping all that repressed to feel later is your bodyâs strategy of survival, you can only feel it now because youâre still alive in order to do it.
What youâre going thru is extreme and something nobody on the earth should be put thru. No matter what you do, do not blame yourself for your symptoms, because itâs impossible for you to cause this to yourself. Know that whoever caused this to you did it on purpose, and is absolutely evil for it. You did not deserve this. Go easy on yourself and allow yourself more comfort, more rest, more ease than ever, you do not need any additional stress, grief or self hatred in this time of your life. It is awful, and extreme, but it will get better. It wouldnât be happening if your body didnât estimate that you can survive it. It will come in waves, so donât despair if you get a little better and then worse, itâs designed to allow your body a little rest before the next wave hits it, again in order to be survivable. Trust your body to know what to do, because it already pulled you thru so much trauma alive. And do not trust anyone who doesnât think you should be safe from people who have done this to you.
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