Furious Goldfish

Trauma victim. I'm overwhelmed.

[furiousgoldfish]

Dismantling the Lies of Abusive Parents Masterlist

Resources

Giving you food and clothing is the bare minimum

You don’t owe gratitude for food and clothes you needed as a child

You had the right for basic resources

Parents shaming you for costing money is ironic and stupid

What it means when they say ‘This is MY house’

My house = my rules is blackmail

Children don't owe absolute obedience for being fed and sheltered

Physical abuse

You are allowed to refuse any touch, not only violence

If they ‘don’t know they’re hurting you’, why do they ignore or punish you when you protest?

Hitting children is irrational and doesn’t work

You cannot ‘provoke’ your parents to abuse you if they’re not abusive

Why do parents hit, manipulate and traumatize children

Blatant Lies

Care, nurture and affection do not make you weak

They’re lying when they say it ‘wasn’t that bad’‘

You wouldn’t have grown up spoiled if not for abuse

You got too affected by it’ is a lie

Your parents are not ‘just too emotionally immature’ to understand abuse

‘You’re not living in the real world!’ is nonsense

You’re not worthless, a burden, ungrateful, or stupid, and your parents know that.

Constant undermining of your accomplishments is abuse

Not being allowed to talk about the past is symptom of abuse

Parents who want you to be happy vs look happy

You are not abusive for resisting abuse

When they claim ‘they didn’t mean it’, it’s still abuse

Your parents are responsible for their own actions regardless of how badly they try to shift blame on you

Psychological abuse

Blind Obedience is not required in a healthy upbringing

Disgust is a weapon abusive parents use on their kids

If they say they love you, but walk all over your feelings, they don’t 

Parents don’t have the right to enter your room to scream at you

Parents insisting for you to be ‘tough’ are doing it to hide the trauma

Even if a kid acts like ‘they can take it’, it’s still abuse

Pretending abuse is discipline will leave children permanently scarred

It’s inhumane to control and shame children’s reactions to abuse

Why don’t you already know this? vs Teaching you necessary skills

Acting like they’ll change is escape sabotage

Parents are responsible for protecting children from harm

References to how healthy parenting looks like

Not being allowed to be angry with your parents is psychological abuse

If parents want you to act the way you did when you were little, they’re dangerous

Threats about how hard your life will be later on, are bad for you

Lack of continuity and ever-changing rules will cause anxiety

Forced obedience will lead you to abusive relationships

Parents acting like you’re a ‘bad child’ is a shame tactic to control you

There’s healthy and abusive ways to give children chores

Revisioning the past and insisting you remember it wrong is gaslighting

If your parents make you suicidal, they’re abusive

Parents threatening ‘they could be worse’ is abuse

Always assuming the worst intentions for your actions is wrong

Keeping children hostage in abuse is torture

If this hits home, also read Recognizing Abuse Masterlist

Also check All Masterlists for additional checklists of abuse

[furiousgoldfish]

If your parents wanted to hurt you, that doesn't say anything about who you are. They would hurt anyone who was born in your place. You were just there. You did nothing wrong. Being a child isn't a crime. Nobody should have hurt you over being a kid.

[furiousgoldfish]

abusive family: you are a burden and a pest, we're kicking you out if you stray one step from the image we created for you, while living under our roof you will obey us or die

me: runs away

abusive family: what a selfish betrayal,,, who would do that to their own family, this is,,, abuse? We are victims?,,, we clearly did nothing to deserve this,

[furiousgoldfish]

oh so everything that ever happened to me is gonna haunt me forever? great

[furiousgoldfish]

Physical punishment of children, on top of being harmful and unhelpful to their development, is a deeply dishonorable thing to do.

If you're looking for a physical fight, why would you pick someone so much weaker? Are you scared to fight your own size? Or are you looking specifically for someone who can't defend themselves so it's one-sided beating? How pathetic is that. It says that you want to beat but are scared of being beaten back. Are you a weakling? Why do you wanna beat someone? Is that how you get the kick? Feeling good over beating someone who couldn't possibly hurt you back?

If I felt that I would be so ashamed I'd never open my mouth about it. Yes I like to beat smaller weaker humans who can't hurt me back. Are you sick in the head? Why should you be allowed in public or in anyone's family? You are a threat and a predator. Disgusting. Find someone your own fucking size.

[furiousgoldfish]

abusive parents when their baby is crying: What a weakling. Get over it! Learn to shut up! I don't cry all day over nothing. *mocking baby crying noises*

[furiousgoldfish]

I don't even write about this because it's so painful to remember, but humiliation while you're in pain will really make you shut down emotionally.

If you lived in an environment where expression of pain or hurt would result in laughter, shaming, accusations, ridicule, minimizing, insults, further degradation and hurt, it is very difficult to believe that anything different could happen your entire life. We often feel the most shame for the things we were the most punished for, and humiliation is an excruciating punishment for a person in pain.

You become ashamed and scared of your emotions even if nothing's wrong with them. You have to hide them even if you see everyone else express them, because it's different for you and you expect to be treated worse. When hurt, your instinct is to hide and keep safe. You don't want anyone to see you. Even the thought of expressing feels humiliating. It makes you want to not feel anything.

The shame is forced on you even if you've done nothing wrong. There is no reason to be ashamed in reality because we're all humans and having emotions is normal. But all the experiences you had tell you differently, tell you it's dangerous, scorn-worthy.

Abusers who do this are not normal and this is not normal human behaviour. To humiliate someone for their pain is despicable, even worse a child. They deserve contempt and consequences.

[furiousgoldfish]

Someone in the community shared with me this resource about ITC (Intrafamilial child torture). The site has many articles on how to recognize ITC. It's organized, planned and strategic child torture that often ends in injuries or death. If some form of punishment was on your daily routine or you were deprived of food, sleep, bed, comfort, ability to move freely, and isolated from support, this resource could be meaningful to you.

I have to add the trigger warning for severe types of harm to children mentioned here, if that kind of thing makes you sick, don't click on it.

[pigswithwings]

the fascinating thing about being abused is that years later youre gonna be there sitting around going "okay so what now". cause like theres no instruction manual is there

[pigswithwings]

youre gonna be buying groceries and then youre gonna remember you went through all that for literally no good reason and youre gonna go Oh Okay and put paper towels in your bag or whatever

[furiousgoldfish]

There is a liberation from doubt and shame by realizing your abuser is a narcissist. By the time you're googling it online and clicking checklists, you've been made to feel bad about yourself for a long time.

You've been treated like your feelings don't exist, you're not a person, and despite trying your best, you've been deemed hurtful, toxic and unreasonable. If you ever caught onto their behaviour and tried to have a conversation, you've been called crazy, delusional and abusive, and you've gotten to a point where you're not sure what is real. Your entire life was appropriated to be of use to them, and you're otherwise neglected and discarded like a piece of trash until they need you again. You're told to be grateful about this.

You had to pay immaculate attention to a situation or two, or have started writing down what's happening, or they finally did something so far out of the line that something clicked in your head and went "That's not normal. Something is wrong here," and you went and found a checklist that instantly describes 98% of their behaviour, and it was all abuse.

That's when you know for sure it wasn't you. They were the problem the entire time. The pattern of lies, gaslighting and manipulation now stands out and you don't have to excuse it away, they really don't experience you as a person, or as something that can feel real emotions, real pain.

And you don't have to listen to this anymore! Your identity has already been eroded and damaged by all the abuse and you can finally start restoring it in knowledge that they lied about everything, even the most outrageus lies, just to keep you controlled, just to keep using you.

Finding out for sure you've been abused by a narcissist saves you from having to give them second chances or trying to fix them, you know they won't change. And then you can stop living your life in this hell of guilt, shame, neglect, fear, confusion and blame for being hurt. You can leave and know you did the absolute right choice because nobody deserves to live like that. You can finally get angry at all the lies and the amount of unfair, painful situations they put you in. You can get grossed out by how much they enjoyed upsetting you, taking away your confidence, tearing at your insecurities and making you feel like you're nothing next to them. And often they did far worse things that don't even feel real when you say them out loud.

Having a few checklists and articles describe and name whats been happening to you all your life really is that powerful. It can lead you to resources and connect you to a comnunity thats been dealing with the same thing. It can help you understand how the abusers think and predict their behaviour in every situation. It can help you discern between gaslighting and reality.

Call it out. Name the abuse.

[furiousgoldfish]

child abuse survivors to abuse recognition blogs: Thank you for making this resource, it helped me so much, you do good by writing this.

abusers to abuse recognition blogs: Your content Hurt My Feelings, so think about how hurtful and damaging you are to all the people on the planet. Firstly you are ableist, and you should re-think the terms you use, imagine if someone accused you of abuse! Imagine if I said all depressed people are abusive! That's how you sound. You understand how this is problematic and you fail to be a safe space. I will tell you how to run this content from now on, in fact how about you give it to me-

[furiousgoldfish]

child abuse survivors to abuse recognition blogs: Thank you for making this resource, it helped me so much, you do good by writing this.

abusers to abuse recognition blogs: Your content Hurt My Feelings, so think about how hurtful and damaging you are to all the people on the planet. Firstly you are ableist, and you should re-think the terms you use, imagine if someone accused you of abuse! Imagine if I said all depressed people are abusive! That's how you sound. You understand how this is problematic and you fail to be a safe space. I will tell you how to run this content from now on, in fact how about you give it to me-

[furiousgoldfish]

I'm pretty badly physically disabled... but I like planning things. Maybe you do too.

What's your dream vacation? No money necessary, all disability and/or neurodivergence needs accommodated, can get as crazy as you want. Where do you go? What's your room like? Any food you'd want to try?

I've never thought about this, vacation seems so draining it could never be worth it. If I wasn't tired and sick and travel wasn't lethal to me, I'd like to see some big trees and mountains. Like in eastern Asia? And some waterfalls. If I can fall asleep on a hammock next to a big body of water that would be excellent.

Oh I'd get a room too? It can be any room but I see green mountains through the window. And I'd try whatever they grow over there, would love to taste some fruit I usually can't.

I'm really not picky but I would like for everyone to leave me alone so I can calm down, it would be too stressful for me to order food or ask for it, but if I can pick some fruit I'd be okay.

I might not be made for vacationing, I love that you like to plan things! That's a positive insight into the future and I admire you for that.

[furiousgoldfish]

ive been following you for a long time and your blog helpped me see some of my parents crap when i was younger, it got worse as i got older. i no longer talk to them but i often think about all the stuff they did. mostly at work where its a pretty crappy environment too. im slowly learning to let go and detach because it affects me more then it should. i remember how you got out of there and help people who are in your shoes and i feel hope itll be okay in the end. i also wish you well whenever i think about it too. youre a beautiful human being and you deserved so much better and i really hope youre doing better nowadays <3 i wish you all the happiness and peace

That's a lovely message to recieve, thank you so much! I never see myself like that,but getting a message like this makes me happy. Someone thinks well of me!

I'm sorry your parents did all that to you. It makes sense work reminds you of all of that, lots of workplaces have a toxic hierarchy or a group of people making everyone miserable so it's reminiscent of past abuse and can be triggering. It must be harder going through it after being treated like this since you were a child though, it should have been different.

Good job getting away from them, it's a great thing to do for yourself. I don't know if detaching can work permanently, but I dissociate a lot so I'm not the one to speak. I'm still angry and upset about every single thing and severely affected both in health and behaviour. I hope you work it out and get into a better workplace! And nobody hurts you like that again.

[furiousgoldfish]

ok I started getting some nasty abuser-defending stuff in my inbox so I'm closing it now. I still have a few to answer but I'm exhausted today so I'll do it when my energy levels are better.

[furiousgoldfish]

hey! hope you're having a nice sunday! i was wondering, do you know of any resources about what to do if someone has complete control of your finances? the stuff i see always discusses when your partner controls you/your finances, and it usually assumes you have a family to rely on. but it's my family who is controlling me, and i don't have any kind of fallback/support system.

I sadly don't, can you share more on how the control is happening? I don't know a lot about this, hopefully someone else reading this can offer a resource?

I made a secret bank account when I was 19 and never shared the card or password so my money was safe from theft, and abusers had no idea how much I had, if asked I would repeat 'I don't owe you this information' until they would leave me alone. They tried various stunts like making me open accounts they had access to but I never used those. I assume in your case they have access to your money or you rely on them completely? It's worth secreting away any amount you can, if you're able to, physically hiding it in discrete places works too.

If you have no income it's way harder to gain financial independence from abusers, some people stay in contact just to get that financial support to avoid homelesness.

Can anyone else offer a resource or even some ideas? I don't really know what are the best things to do.

[furiousgoldfish]

I've been following your blog for years, and it's felt like an oasis of understanding in the desert of victim blaming I've been wandering my whole life. I'm still being abused by my family after all this time. I'm slowly working towards independence, but it's not easy to make a living income, especially with disabilities. The most helpful thing for me has been individuals like you, who speak honestly about how your experiences have affected you. Because of that, I know I'm not alone, and that I deserve better. Calling the abuse what it is has allowed me to mentally break free from their minimization and denial. I may have to continue to play their evil games for the time being, but they will never again convince me that their delusions are true. Constant twisting of the truth leaves the mind spinning, with no way to know which way is up. You've helped me find the ground to put my feet on. Someday I will have my liberation.

NO you are still forced to live in abuse? My heart goes out to you anon. This is inexcusable for hunan race to allow to keep hapening, you are completely right that being disabled is barrier from getting income but you're in a situation where you get tortured for it. Nobody should be put through that, nobody deserves anything like that.

It makes me so mad the society is set up to create these situations, where abusers can traumatize you into disability, or you can be born with one, and then it's just taken for granted that if you don't find a way to gain income, you just live in hell. We should be actively preventing that, doing whatever we can to make sure nobody is put through that. You must feel so alone in your struggles, you didn't do this to yourself and yet you're forced to live it.

You're right to call it what it is, and you do deserve better. Playing their games despite knowing the truth is a very smart thing to do, but it must be chafing on you. You miss out on making real connections while being forced to just survive among people trying to control you and lie to you.

You did nothing to deserve this. They're despicable and so is the rest of people who victim blame you. This could happen to any one of them and none of them would deal with it better than you. You will get liberation, keep working towards it! It doesn't matter how long it takes. You're doing your best.