is truly the end for young love so painfully violent and quick
messy and rouge a blushed face to bloodied hands
will our love breathe through this soiled experience
shall such a heartbreak bring forth kinder souls
Summary: Natasha tries to get the most closed off member of the to open up.
Warning: Angst, suicidal thoughts, self harm referenced, alludes to a bad upbringing, alludes to being sexually abused.
Word count: 1.3k
Notes: no disclaimer needed this time :) this is very personal to me but i thought it would be a good story plot! if you see any mistakes feel free to jump in my inbox and lmk. took me a couple days to edit. but i was to excited to post it. gonna try and make it more detailed next time! might make a part 2 if wanted! hope you guys enjoy!!
You had always been fine. If you were fine, then you wouldn't have been seen as a burden. You learned that from a young age. If you hid your feelings, loneliness, suicide, wanting to hurt yourself, the way you thought everyone's hands would hurt, maybe they would finally be able to love you, at least that's what you thought.
So you struggled for years. Even when people got a glimpse of it, they just “forgot” because life happens. You had gone on like that for years. Even when you joined the Avengers. No one was allowed to really see you. You liked it that way; it was easier. File blacked out and locked down.
Even as the Avengers grew to know you, you never let them see it. Yes, they saw the scars, but to you, that was enough. Whatever they wanted to think after that was theirs to hold. They all had it worse than you, so why would they care?
That's how you found yourself here: alone, curled up, staring at the empty ceiling of your room in the compound. Silent tears rolling down your cheeks. You didn't want to be like this; the darkness just consumed you. All you could think about was your childhood. Why would they treat you like that? Why did they never believe me? Did I deserve it?
It was like a cycle. You would start to feel better and come to terms with never getting closure and feel fine for weeks, maybe months if you were lucky, but then something would happen. Something small, even, and it would send you back into the cycle of the questions of why this? Why that?
It started with one snarky comment from Tony. “You think you know everything, don't you?”. You didn't overthink it at first. You were just giving him advice on some of his moves on a mission, and he got defensive. You knew it deep down, but that didn't stop the eventual overthinking and shutdown. It wasn't what he said but how he said it. The bitterness.
That's all you could think about. As you lay, you just whispered shakily, “Maybe I should have just kept it to myself?”. Your lip trembled.
Meanwhile, in Natasha's room, she had been thinking about the interaction. Dissecting it, really. The way your shoulders slightly tensed, your brows furrowing, and the slight clench of your fists as if you would need to defend yourself.
Yes, Natasha had been through some shit, but this stuck with her. She knew you were never one to open up and talk about your past. But she couldn't shake the way you reacted. She knew not to go and ask. That never helped; it just made things worse. So, she just observed for a few days.
She observed the way you stuck to your routines. Wake up at 7am sharp. Redbull as breakfast before training for a few hours. Mission reports in the compounds' lounge or office spaces. Possible plans with Yelena or Kate. Then, more training until you finally let yourself rest for the day. She’d noticed the way you always wore baggy clothes; mostly baggy long sleeves and sweats. You wore them like a shield. And yes, she noticed the scars but just assumed you had a back story like all the others. That was until another comment was made.
It started with everyone just chatting in the kitchen. Yelena adding hot sauce to whatever she was eating, Clint sipping his coffee, Wanda stirring a pot full of soup from a recipe her mom gave her before she was killed, Tony tinkering with some tech toy, and Banner nowhere to be found.
Clint casually strolled over to Wanda's pot of soup to slip a taste, even as Wanda smacked his hand away, mumbling. “No tasting yet, Clint”.
Clint just chuckled. “It's too good not to, it's like you put magic in there wands.” Wanda just glared, muttering, “It's not magic. Just my momma's secret ingredient, dummy.”
Clint just walked away, skipping joking.
Natasha had made her way over to Yelena, sitting beside her, working on a mission report. Out of nowhere, Yelena looked around. That was never good. It meant she was curious and questioning. She looked at you after a few seconds.
“How come you don't talk about your family?”
You were caught off guard. and Natasha silently cursed Yelena, and then everyone looked directly at you. You knew you had to play it off. You got good, so it would be simple.
“There's nothing to talk about.”
Yelena quirked her brow. “What do you mean?”
You internally groaned as Yelena questioned you again. You just shrugged. “I mean, there's nothing interesting to talk about.”
That caught Wanda's attention. “What about your momma passing done recipes?” You played it off nicely with a smile.
“I'm not a very sentimental person wands” she took that as fact. Yelena was still curious but didn't press further. It was a silent relief for you.
You stayed a bit longer and left just as everyone went back to their own device. Natasha watched as you walked out. She made a mental note to check in later.
She waited until everyone had gone to their respective rooms to sleep before she knocked on your door.
You knew it was her. She knocked three times, something you had noticed her do with others. You shuffled a bit before responding. “Come in.” You had already gotten ready for bed. Sleep tank on with sweat hanging low at your hips. Natasha stepped in, slightly surprised. You hadn't let many people into your room -except Yelena and Kate. She found you, laptop in hand, finishing up a report. She inched her way to the end of your bed. “I thought I would drop by.”
Your brows furrowed. “Oh, why?” They softened with worry when you noticed it seemed important. “Is everything okay, Natasha?”
She just shook her head with a chuckle. “Yes, I just thought you deserve an I'm sorry’ for Yelena earlier.”
You shook your head, going back to your report. “It's nothing. I don't need a ‘sorry,’ Natasha.” She made the move to sit at the edge of your bed.
“I know it's not nothing,” she looked at you, still focused on your laptop. You let out a chuckle.
“It is. Just plain nothing.” It was her turn to furrow her brows. She didn't wanna push, but she was worried. You had always been hard to read, and it made her cautiously curious.
“Sweetheart, you don't have to hide-” that seemed to hit a nerve, before Natasha could even finish, you were interrupting. looking dead at her.
“Don't sweetheart me, Natasha. And don't try to get anything out of me.” So she was right, there is something. You got defensive at the name. It peaked, Natasha's worry further.
“I'm not tryin to get anything from you. I just want to understand.” You just rolled your eyes, continuing to type. “Truly, I am.”
You huffed and dropped your gaze to Natasha again, “You don't need to make room to try and understand. You've got enough of your own demons. You don't need mine wasting space.”
Natahsa felt her heart break a little. Do you really think no one will make space for you?
“You're wrong about the room part, but just know I'm here if you need.” You just hummed. She decided to leave you be to process the conversation.
Even as she walked back to her room, Natasha still thought about your words. ‘You don't need to make room to try and understand. You've got rough of your own demons. You don't need mine wasting space.’
Who had made you think support was something to be earned?
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