Janaina Medeiros
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
sheepfilms
DEAR READER
Sweet Seals For You, Always
One Nice Bug Per Day
wallacepolsom
Product Placement
Claire Keane
Noah Kahan
tannertan36
izzy's playlists!
macklin celebrini has autism
cherry valley forever
hello vonnie
shark vs the universe
Jules of Nature
Xuebing Du
@theartofmadeline
đŞź
seen from Iraq
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Estonia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Australia
seen from United States
seen from TĂźrkiye
seen from United States
@hanrivercafe
I think Iâll be okay
I think Iâll be okay dying in the arms of my mother, father, and sister without having the chance to experience what love from a significant other feels like.
I think Iâll rest easier after making peace with this reality.
Hey there from 2025
Finally logged into my tumblr account on my new macbook (YES, you heard it right heheh... I'm finally a macbook owner now :D, been wanting one for so long! and it's in a silver color hihi...looks and feels so clean and modern).
Looking back at my old posts, I wonder why I was such an emotional baby??? omg HAHAHA. But some of those posts were very dear to my heart because they were a reflection of my life at that time. I don't cringe at them anymore or feel stupid reading them. I think they're fantastic writing (sorry if that sounded very narcissisctic lmao).
I'm in the process of writing something new, but I haven't been able to put it into actual writing, just a concept for now. I guess stay tuned if you're interested?? The theme is about my reflection of life through my experience of entering the workforce since last year đ¤.
And also this is just me coming here to find a reason to finally use my macbook for something else because I've just been using this to go on youtube and some occasional twitter scroll HAHAHA.
OKAYYY byeee
âOh, Mr. J. You made me believe in love again!â
17th of August.
Was the day I first laid my eyes on you when you came down the stairs to stand on the same ground as me. Your perfectly slicked black hair is my favorite hairstyle on any guy walking this earthâyour sweet-looking eyes behind those black-framed glasses. Your perfect smile coming out of your pink lips. Your way of styling the uniform t-shirt your office gave you, layered over your light blue and white striped button-up shirt. Your perfectly tailored black dress pants, reach the top of your black loafers. Your timid personality in front of your co-workers. You, made me madly attracted to you.
The world was an unfamiliar place, but your first appearance in my life. Made all the flowers in my garden bloom even when the air was slowly getting colder. Our encounter that day was just a breeze of wind. The needle didnât even pass eighteen lines on the clock. But, you made the heart inside my body which was numb suddenly started beating rapidly. Maybe I shouldâve photographed you, just in case it will be my last time. But seeing you standing there, made my whole world rotate slower. It felt like it was just the two of us under the concrete jungle. My tender self was too scared to let my steps get closer to you. So I just let my steps take me further away from you as the sun goes down.
Your presence to this day feels like the longest chapter in a novel, where the main character is trying to fight their demons.
12th of September.
It was exactly 26 days, where my nights were restless. Where my days felt hollow because I didnât find myself in your presence. Whenever the clock reaches 12.30, I braced my steps into your domain. Yet, you never once appeared to bloom all the flowers in the garden of my heart again. So I just let the cold air breeze through all the beautifully grown flowers, which shouldâve made them weaker. However, I think the flowers in my garden bloomed differently. Because each day passes, even with the cold air breezing. It grows stronger and flies away their seeds to grow even more beautiful flowers. The heart works in a very strange way sometimes.
Thursday is a meaningful day to me for an abundance of reasons. And you made me add another meaning to that day. Because I waited, patiently, and in an unforeseen twist our paths crossed once more.
How do I even begin to express how I felt during our unbeknownst-to-anyone encounter?
âIt felt magicalâ. I shouted inside my heart as I accelerated my steps after I couldnât stop my wavering eyes from focusing on your sweet-looking eyes.
I just want to feel loved, without worrying that Iâm not enough for them. Is it really something too big to ask, god?
You feel like youâre not valued as a human being because people desire you physically, but god how I would do anything to even be desired, let alone valued.
Whatâs it like being conventionally attractive?
I think I was born okay, but somehow. I grew up ugly. Because I believe I wasnât born with conventionally attractive features on my physique. So I donât know how itâs like being approached by people to be complimented about something you can brag about. Being treated better, solely because you look better than most people, I wonder how does that feel like.
To this day, even though you would see me catching myself looking at my own reflection on the mirror. Thatâs because Iâm not looking to admire myself or anything, I was criticizing myself, trying to fix something I can fix to at least not make me look like the ugliest person in the room.
So, how does it feel like to not worry about your physique? Do you feel like you can just walk in a room and not feel shy? Do you think everyone else is below you? Does getting love from every sides and corners feel nice? I want to experience those feelings too :(
Look, whatever struggle youâre going through right now, wonât be as bad as what Iâm going through right now because youâre conventionally attractive. Thatâs just facts, and you canât make me change my mind.
âOh but, it feels so empty inside, because often feeling desired but rarely valuedâ.
Come closer, let me tell you something.
I would do anything, I mean anything. To even feel desired.
If you believe and have heard from other people that youâre conventionally attractive. Please just be grateful. A lot of people would buy to have your face and physique, while you were born with it.
Iâm just being my own self biggest critic tonight.
(maybe a little bit of a hater too.)
âIf you can take him from me, then heâs yours.â
I forgot who said this line but it left an impact on me to how I think about being in a relationship. Because if someone doesnât want to stay, then thereâs no point of trying to make them stay.
I personally have never been wronged by someone because they wanted to be with someone else and not me, but it really made me believe that if I ever be in a relationship, I should never beg. I should never have to stoop really low for someone that doesnât want to be with me, whether itâll be down the line in a relationship or even in the start.
thank you
hey everyone :) if youâre reading this and enjoyed reading one of my writings, I just would like to say thank you so much. I use this platform somewhat to channel my writing hobby (also as a journal where not a lot of my irls or just the people that I know are here, so I can write as freely as I want about my deepest feelings).
I know some writings might be cringey or would make you go âwhat did I just read?â, well, theyâre my deepest feelings! and sometimes feelings are just cringey but that is okay because thatâs how I feel. I cannot lie about how I feel every day, because that would be tiring and drive me insane.
Instead, thanks to this platform. I could be honest with how I feel without being scared. without the fear or anxiety of getting judged. I am a free writer here :D
guilty pleasures
I think itâs just weird, for my family to make the identity of the people I surround myself with a problem. A problem that has been going on since high school and even to this day. Because as long as I remember, they always say that I should be friends with as many people as I can and not be picky with who I call friends.
Look, itâs not like Iâm friends with criminals or people that do illegal things. Theyâre just people, who happen to connect well with me. People that give me emotional support and a lot of times actual support in various forms. People that I can run to for questions without getting judged or looked at weirdly. People that I would ask for advice whenever a hurdle comes my way. People that wouldnât hurt me because of my identity. People that give me a warm big hug whenever we see each other. People that I would give the world to.
These people are my chosen families. Family members that play a big part in my life, where I donât have to pretend to be someone that isnât me in front of them. Family members that I could always rely on for my actual problems about my well-being. These people basically saved my life a lot of times. Especially when the people that were supposed to be âmy familyâ would easily throw me away if the real me crack open in front of them. Not even fully open, just a little crack would be threatening to my safety and well-being.
I donât hate âmy familyâ completely, itâs just that the way I live and the way they live are polar opposites. What I believe is normal, might be abnormal to them. What I believe is supposed to be done, might be unnecessary to do for them. What I believe is harmless, might be harmful to them.
My friends have become somewhat like guilty pleasures. I cannot let them know the real people who I will meet to hang out with. I have to lie or let them know vaguely who the people I will be meeting are in order for me to go. This situation has made my relationship and the people I call âmy familyâ very unhealthy. I will never let them know anything, I mean anything to them. Unless it is very necessary and I know I could handle the loud voice and the stabs I get from their words.
All this happened because they donât like that I become the odd one out of the bunch whenever I go out to meet my friends. Because theyâre afraid people would talk, people would have polarizing opinions, and people would point at me. I donât know if thatâs an act of love or a self-defense mechanism in order to not get their name tarnished. Which somewhat has been one of the biggest mysteries to me.
I do not dare to ask, nor do I have the desire to ask. I will just hold everything in until I can step out of this house and never look back. Until then, my friends might have to stay as my guilty pleasures. The kind that I can enjoy once in a while, though I will have to carry so much regret and anxiety once I reach this houseâs doorstep.
2023 and 22 years old
Iâm still a little kid
I donât know and understand
How all those grown ups survived and thrived
Why does the numbers attached to me
Has to dictate what my life would be
I just like to lie around and fall into my daydreams
Where I know no one is going to hurt me
Where I can live all the lives in my dreams
And I know I can make those dreams a reality
But Iâd like to take my time to make them a reality
My dreams are mine
Your dreams are yours
Donât get mixed up and put your dreams into mine
Let me go and let me write my own
At the end life is meaningless
If I have to follow your dreams instead of mine
I want to lay in the ground
Without any regrets that I need to wake up again
I need this chain that is holding me back
To be broken
Even if I have to break this chain with a dull knife
I will still continue to break it
So I could fly higher than the clouds
maybe
maybe Iâm just jealous
of what people have and what people own
maybe Iâm just lonely
seeing all these people and couples living in a fairy tale
maybe Iâm just sad
because Iâve turned so many pages and chapters
yet, the best chapter from the book hasnât come yet
maybe, Iâm just petty?
with everyone who can fall in love
without calling their feelings breaking the boundaries.
The Changing Concept of Love.
When your heart pounds faster
Whenever you see them
When you suddenly feel awkward in front of them
Thatâs what I believe the feeling of love was
The time you spent together with them
Is something you cherish even into your dreams
The smile you gave to each other
Is engraved forever in your memories
My heart is filled with love
But nobody is there to receive it
My brain is filled with the thoughts of you
But I know you will never be there
I get scared now and then
Because it happens way too many times
The void feeling of nowhere to go
Nowhere to fill someoneâs life with my love
I get scared now and then
To experience love
I get scared now and then
That it would just be the same as before
When I try my best to start again
I always run back into my hiding
When I believe Iâve fallen in love
I always try to repress that feeling
Now love has turned into something scary
Something that I will never jump over again
Now love has turned into my biggest fear
Something that I will always run away from
Being alone
Just the two of us, my body and my soul. I donât think both of us can stand any longer being alone with my thoughts.
ăăŻăăŻ
I do wish the same
I dreamed of this boy that has been lingering on my mind. I dreamed that maybe he sees me with a different light than others, because I have been seeing him that way. I dreamed that the universe has been giving me clues that I can trace one by one that he really does see me that way through his eyes. I dreamed that this dream that Iâve been dreaming about might not be a dream anymore.
In a dead silent night, Iâve been woken up from my dream. I, once again. Have fallen asleep too deep and flown across my dream too far. The conscious soul filling my empty vase begged to be sent back to itâs unconscious state. I, once again. Forgot that all the memories in my head were just dreams.
to my past regrets
Itâs my birth month, but day by day as it goes by. I kept feeling lost for no reason. Not that I donât have any dreams or any hope for my future, itâs just I donât know what am I supposed to do at this time around. I donât blame the pandemic for making me feel lost for no reason, but I just know somehow I will be lost in the middle of the way.
Turning 19 in 9 days scares me so much. There are many things I havenât experienced in the span of 18 years being alive. Falling in love properly and have that love being returned by the person I like romantically, eating food that I have been dying to try, travel to places I would like to visit with my friends, feeling proud with my academic achievements, been to a lot of concerts, being a successful fan of my favorite artists, actually understand what Iâm studying, not being a burden to my parents, able to understand my sister and be a good brother for her, earning income independently, being that well-known person in school for being easy going and fun to be around, treat the people around me better, and lastly and most important of all is feeling good with my body.
Those doesnât even reach half of what I havenât experienced after 18 years of being alive in this world. There are so many things I wish I could publicly tell but I want to keep them inside so I wouldnât have any burden to reach them when I look back at my old posts. Most kids around my age and even younger have experienced way more and I feel like I donât desereve to turn 19 from how much I lack in experience and also independence. Especially whenever I found myself in a trouble, I tend to have anxiety attack more than anyone in the room from how much I never get myself in trouble while being young. I believe when youâre young you should find yourself in a lot of trouble enough to have experiences yet not too much to be a total asshole for the society.
Iâm also afraid that not having enough experiences will lead me to have an ugly personality. Because, honestly I believe I have the shittiest personality especially for being too sensitive and also being petty over everything, moreover I believe I should be in control of everything meanwhile I should never overthink about every damn thing to be in control because sometimes you should just not care. At all. My friends are so precious to me because they do accept me for being the way I am, though I know I sometimes get on their nerves or more like every time.
These days or maybe the past year, the loneliness of not having a lover started getting real. I know I should never talk too much about wanting to be in love but seriously, itâs been so hard without a lover. Maybe because I havenât fully come out to everyone thatâs why Iâve been blocking my own chance of finding a lover. If one day I could experience being in love properly, I would like to be in love with a boy who would treat me right and understand me inside out, and most importantly a boy who would protect me and gladly listen to me. I believe Iâve mentioned this a lot, but Iâve been that friend who would listen to their friends concerns and stories yet I believe I donât actually have someone who would gladly listen to me without making me feel like I talk too much about something that I like. I just hope I could be in love with someone right and in the right timing also. Actually, cross the part where I would like to be in love with a boy, I would actually like to be in love with a girl too. So, not just to a boy, but also to a girl if it happens.
The last thing that I would like to talk about before ending this post is that, with my realization of regrets that I have, I hope I could live my last year of my teenage life to the fullest. Though, it seems like I wonât have a lot of time remaining due to being stuck at home. I believe I should experience a lot more with those remaining months before turning 20 next year.
Birthdays donât excite me anymore, because the older I get, the more I realize it only give me shorter amount of time living.
