Discovering myself

27 year old female. What I like: Studying Medicine. Animals. Human Connection. Intimacy. Freedom. Respect. Open Honesty. 

[happy-hoping]

That’s the difference between us. I did everything I could think of for you. 

You say couldn’t choose what you wanted to do for Valentine’s day, and by the time you made up your mind, you were running late and didn’t want to be more late. --> so you did nothing...

You should’ve just stayed home, that might’ve hurt less. 

Was I not worth the effort to make sure you at least got to do/give me something? A 50 cent card from the dollar store, with only your name signed in it, would’ve sufficed or at least not hurt nearly as bad. F*ck. I am so fricken hurt. I can’t remember the last time I screamed, and literally cried out loud like this. I don’t know if I ever have like this. 

[happy-hoping]

I feel like water in a strainer, when I should have been in a bowl

[happy-hoping]

Valentine’s Day.

I sketched a special drawing for someone romantically special to me for Valentine’s Day. I wrote a heart-felt card, and put together a bunch of Hershey’s kisses, and said how I just want to give him a whole bunch of kisses all the time. I decorated my house with dollar store decorations and lit a bunch of candles. I told him how I absolutely love cards. He was here for the weekend before, and said he would come on Valentine’s day night to spend time with me. He did not come bearing gifts, bring flowers, or write me a card. I told him I would pick us up takeout so he didn’t have to spend time getting that (since he works later than I do). 

Even if whatever we have (there is no label) is just a friends with benefits kinda deal, I still want a card. I want more than just showing up in work clothes. Honestly, all I wanted was a card with nice things written inside about me. Something to show that he cared enough and took the time to think of something special for me when we were not together. 

I’ve been getting this pain down my arms, into my hands, when I start thinking about how hurt I let myself get. How I let myself be so vulnerable to this. How I never expected it would hurt this much to not feel it reciprocated. How I never really even considered that he wouldn’t do anything special on that day. I’ve never felt like this before, where I am so incredibly and truly in love with someone, but it’s unrequited love. I know he is scared of getting hurt if I don’t end up staying here for my residency. I understand that. I also understand that I am deeply hurt by his fear and hesitancy of being in a relationship with me. I need time away. For me, and for him to get his sh*t together and figure out if I’m someone he would miss. 

On the back of the picture I drew for him, I signed it, and drew another picture with the words “I love you *insert his name* <3 T” hidden in a part I made much darker so it wouldn’t be easily seen. I figure if I end up dead for any reason at least one day maybe he’ll find it and know that I loved him. I’m not telling him. I was told once already by him that things were moving too quickly. I can’t turn me “off,” I’m either all in, or all out. And now this hurt has me feeling like I might call it all off before I get even more hurt. This is panic attack territory feeling. 

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.

Tony Gaskins (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[happy-hoping]

I invited him if he would travel for a night to Mardi Gras with me, I’d pay for his flights, he asked to think about it because he’s been avoiding crowded places #COVID-19. I get it, avoid the asymptomatic carriers that are unvaccinated and wreaking havoc on the medical system, but like... free trip, sexy girl, just need to take 2 weekdays off. We both just had COVID anyway too. Antibodies boosted on top of our vaccinations, we keep our masks on except eating and drinking, we should be good to go. Why why why basically say no? I found a flight for $49, you know that’s not going to last more than a few hours. I’m sad. 

Not only that, another stupid thing, he is surprising/pranking his boss by making his office “Survivor” themed, so I made a bottle with fairy lights in it and it’s from a Tropical Moscato, and has palm trees on it, and looked really cute, and he said he’d rather keep it himself. I am flattered, but I can make more! It makes me slightly feel like he’d be ashamed of it/me. Okay, maybe not slightly ashamed, maybe like a lot. The whole uncertainty of where I’m going to end up for the next few years definitely plays a role in his hesitancy, but this holding back feeling I can feel, is killing me inside. 

I stopped talking to one of my friends that I had developed a pretty big crush on/fell in love with, because when I saw him in person he was always so flighty. It made me feel like I wasn’t worth the time or effort. We met like 3 times in person before I called it quits. Talking via texting was great though. Now I have the opposite, where in person together things are great, then I am alone and do not have the words or communication I guess I need via texting/etc. I guess I’d prefer it this way now instead, but somethings gotta give and I don’t know how to bring it up. 

[happy-hoping]

I want to be his “hell yeah!”  What he wants without hesitation or second thought. I don’t feel that I am.  There is a lot of hesitation and unspoken words, and he still has this potential red flag from his history (though it’s all good for right now).  Is that grounds to end it all before we get more involved, before we both get really hurt?  I’ve never felt this worried about potentially getting hurt like this before. 

[happy-hoping]

Someone telling me no, denying my help or input, is basically a slap to my face, or at least that’s how it feels. 

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Hardship often prepares ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.

C.S. Lewis (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful its ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing; hold on through the awful; and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul healing, amazing, ordinary, awful life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.

LR Knost (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[uselessatheart]

Hope is not a strategy.

Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It (via uselessatheart)

[uselessatheart]

Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea. So don’t beat them with logic or brute force. Ask them questions that open paths to your goals. It’s not about you.

Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It (via uselessatheart)

[tilldeathdousart]

[happy-hoping]

I want to build this

[thehopefulquotes]

Don’t listen to yourself; listen to the advice that you give others.

Michael Lottner (via thehopefulquotes)

[perfectquote]

When your head hits the pillow tonight, remind yourself that you’ve done a good job. Be patient with yourself, and remember that big things are achieved not all at once, but one day at a time.

Nicole Addison (via perfectquote)

[quietlotus]

“I relax, letting go more and more. Each breath softens my body. Each breath eases my mind.”

— Elisabeth Blaikie, Fragrant Heart Meditation

[happy-hoping]

In falling in love

What do you do, when you are in love with someone that has something that is a non-negotiable?

Is that non-negotiable truly then a non-negotiable? Does it make a difference if the non-negotiable is modifiable? 

How long do I wait? Is it fair to them that I’m in love with them, when there is something that will very likely be the end of it all if not modified?

[quotemadness]

You can’t calm the storm so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.

Timber Hawkeye (via quotemadness)