happydahlia

ramblings of a teenage poet - ya girl spends a lotta time crashing out, at first abt mah daddy issues, currently abt a fuckass boy who I am hopelessly and irrevocably in love with. Enjoy the mess designed by my tears.

[happydahlia]

Simply survival

Before I met you, when I thought of the future my only goal was survival.

Make it to the next birthday.

Live through the next 365 days.

During you, I looked into those stupid brown eyes, and I started seeing so much more.

Days spent washing dishes side by side.

Sunsets and sunrises while cuddled up on handmade porch swings.

Tiny footsteps and meaningless fights we forgave easily.

Grey hair and watching those stupid brown eyes grow wiser.

After you, the future is blurred, just like it used to be.

I’ve been forced back into reluctant survival.

No more visions of sunny days spent laughing over lame attempts at jokes.

No more sweet dreams of sleepy mornings in your arms.

Just getting through the days.

You brought so much light into my sorry excuse of an existence.

And you took it with you when you left.

A life without that light at the end of the tunnel, without warmth, isn’t living, it’s surviving.

So I suppose I’ll just have to survive, won’t I?

A/N: hiii internet strangerssss. Me? Cry over a boy? Whattttt noooo neverrrr (only every night before bed n sometimes mid day if I think abt things for too long). Anywaysss, as always feel free to like, comment, reblog, share, n followwww. There’s a lil extra this time bc it like came w the flow but it doesn’t flow into the actual poem enough to be worked in iggg, so I’m putting it down below for whoever bothers to click read more n read ts lol. Idk if da muse will see this but if he does then oh well. Not like it’ll change anythinggg no matter how bad I wish it woulddd.

<3

I never truly pictured a life before you, I didn’t see a point in it when my only concern was trying to stay alive. You gave me a reason to. You made me look forward to the rest of my life. And then you abandoned me. And once again, I’ve returned to that same question, what’s the point?

(💙)

[remanence-of-love]

[happydahlia]

i would’ve stayed

You are the most amazing and broken person I have ever met.

A stunning collection of broken glass, reflecting light in a thousand different ways.

Sharp shards that slice deep, but never in cruelty.

No, you hurt but your harm is never with intent.

You fear softness so you sharpen your edges, an attempt to protect yourself, but sharpen too much and your shards become blades.

You fear that too, don’t you?

The cuts your shards create, the hurt you cause.

But I don’t think you’ve ever cut with intention,

You are gentler than you think, than you let yourself be.

I may be wrong, love, but I think you built those walls to survive.

Sharpened the shards to defend.

To hide.

From your brokenness.

You were never something to run from, love.

I saw those broken pieces.

I saw the darkness,

The damage,

Every fucked up piece of you.

I didn’t run when I saw them, love,

I loved them all the same.

I never would’ve run, love.

There was nothing to run from.

I would’ve stayed, if only you’d let me.

Stayed for every shattered piece.

You are the most amazing and broken person I have ever met.

A stunning mosaic of broken glass, reflecting light in a thousand different ways.

A/N: heyyy internet strangers, it’s been a while. if you’ve been here before, yk the drill, feel free to like, follow, share, n comment, i love hearing how my writing hits for others. n yep. same guy. w a few more memories now. idk if he’ll see this but if he does, hi stranger, I’m still here yk, only as far as you pushed me.

[happydahlia]

my favorite

You’re always going to be my favorite.

My favorite song,

My favorite memory,

My favorite scent,

My favorite touch,

My favorite “what if?”,

My favorite almost.

That’s quite unfortunate for me, isn’t it love?

How deeply you’re ingrained in my soul,

So deeply I can feel your ghost in my bones.

It wasn’t always a curse, not when you wanted me.

It’s morphed into one though,

Damning me to yearn for you forever,

While you drift further and further away.

You’ll be my favorite forever, but you weren’t mine forever.

The breaking of that promise cuts deeper than a knife through my chest.

So here I lay,

Drowning in dreams I doubt will ever come true,

Begging for scraps of affection like they’re food for my soul.

Cursed to always be yours, when you can never be mine.

A/N: heyyy internet strangers, yall know the drill. Back again w more yearninggg, over the same guy ofc bc let’s be real I haven’t even entertained a conversation w anyone else (im so fucked lmao someone help me pls). This ones actually a couple weeks old n isn’t 100% accurate to current feelings but twas accurate when I wrote it n then I forgot to post it so yeahhh. Highly doubt he’ll see this or that he even has this app still but he follows me if he does so jst in caseee…hiii bubbb, you’re one stubborn ass confusing ass mf yk, alas I love you anyways. If you read any of these that’s lowkey kinda embarrassing for me but oh welll, you’re already well aware of my feelings soooo…yeahhh idfk.

[happydahlia]

Supposedly

You love me, supposedly.

You swore you never stopped, though you once told me you did.

Insisted that you care less than you used to n less than you now claim you do.

I wonder, love, was that the only lie you’ve told me?

You love me, and yet that is not enough?

You love me, and yet you do not want me?

Or is that another lie, love?

If you love me then why do you refuse to show it?

The only time you do is when I drag it out of you, when I show it as loudly as I can and you mirror my voice, only to tell me I must silence it just as quickly.

You didn’t used to do that, you once loved me so thoroughly, so loudly, so beautifully, I doubt I’ll ever feel anything like it again.

But something shifted in you, not your love for me, you claim.

But something changed, you stopped trusting me, or trusting yourself with me.

It seemed so sudden, I missed it somehow.

You left me alone with my thoughts and with that came my own theories.

What are you so afraid of, love?

A/N: hiii internet strangers, back again w some more yearningggg. Feel free to like, share, reblog, or comment n let me know how this emotional rollercoaster makes you feel. This one was actually written before the last one I posted, but it’s ofc abt the same boy. So yeah. Yay. Thanks for the creative fuel, love. I think we both know id much rather have you

<3

[paper-wounds]

[happydahlia]

You/Him

You were home once, you know?

ILoveYou.

I don’t recognize you anymore,

IHateWhatYou’veBecome.

Gone is the boy who called me his blessing, his darling.

BringMySweetBoyBack.

Warm brown eyes gone cold and unfocused, so uncaring now.

Please,Love.

The boy I knew, my boy, wouldn’t recognize you either.

IsHeEvenThereAnymore?

All his promises broken, all his love invalidated, by what you do.

DidYouKillHim?

Still, you use the frayed pieces of that red string, leading back to him, to keep me captive.

DrownHimInBoozeAndBitches?

You aren’t my boy anymore, you’ve become someone wholly different.

HowCouldYou?

Someone I’m not sure I can trust, you’ve broken the trust I had for him already, haven’t you?

Why’dYouKillHim,Love?

You look like him, almost exactly, except for the eyes.

AreYouTryingToKillMeToo?

His eyes were beautiful, warm and loving and safe, home.

You’veTakenToTwistingTheKnifeInMyChestDaily.

Yours are dull, dark and empty and danger, a trap?

PleaseStop,You’reHurtingMeLove.

Who are you now, love?

You’reGuttingMe,SoSlowlyYetAllAtOnce.

When did you kill the boy I love, my boy, and bury him in an unmarked grave?

ItHurtsLove.Please.

I often wonder if you regret it, if you resent what you’ve twisted him into.

DoYouMournHimLikeIDo?WillYouMournMeOnceYouEndMe?

I wonder if you can recognize yourself now, or if you no longer see him in the mirror.

IHopeHeHauntsYouHowHeHauntsMe,Love.

A/N: heyyy internet strangers. So. Back again with yet another poem…abt the same fuckin boy. Ikik, ya girls got attachment issues what can I sayyy. Anyways i hope you see this bub. (Bub is my compromise yk, can’t exactly call you love anymore). Who knows maybe you’ll even understand what I’m saying. For the readers tho, feel free to like, reblog, share, repost, leave a comment n let me know how this McFuckinMess makes you feel.

<3

(💙)

[nighttime-thoughts]

You stopped saying goodnight and i stopped sleeping.

[echoesofdyingstars]

Razorwire

I am nothing but edge, an exposed nerve stretched thin beneath the surface, skin refusing to hold itself together.

Every touch splits me wider, every absence drives the blade deeper, and there is no safe ground between the two.

I fracture in both directions at once— devotion collapsing into erasure, grip breaking into severance— and I shift constantly from one to the next.

When I reach for someone, my hands shred the instant they make contact. When I open my mouth, the wire inside cuts until I choke on the taste of iron.

Silence is not stillness. It explodes across me like shrapnel. A single glance lands like steel through bone, and even the smallest change carries the weight of collapse.

There is no pause, no center, no middle ground. Only the swing— flooding or starving, clutching or destroying, until nothing is left standing.

I move through rooms like fire, devouring until everything around me is ash, Then, staring at the wreckage, I set it alight.

I am too volatile to contain, too jagged to hold intact, and still I keep reaching forward— not searching for safety, not begging for refuge, but only for the collision itself, to be torn apart so completely the damage marks that I was here.

[happydahlia]

50% of me

I’ll never feel clean,

I scrub my skin raw and still I feel sullied.

Like a film of filth was left behind in the midst of whatever biology we share.

No matter how hard I try to ignore it,

To hide from it,

To deny,

You will always be a part of me.

50% of what I’m composed of is you, after all.

I often wonder how badly it’d hurt if I simply ripped that half of me away,

If I killed whatever remains of your daughter,

Of daddy’s little girl.

She loved you more than was good for her and it destroyed her ever so slowly.

Tore her self esteem to pieces,

Hacked her trust into splinters,

Shredded her vocal cords until she had no voice.

You always said a woman shouldn’t have one anyways.

That must’ve been what you intended to happen,

For me to lose any semblance of choice.

For me to drown in the pit you’d taught was my place.

That isn’t how this story ends.

I clawed out of that pit,

Shredded my palms,

Split my fingertips at the seams.

You may be 50% of me,

Half of my composition.

But that is all you are.

And all you’ll ever be.

Just a percentage on a chart,

A donation of DNA.

A/N: hiii internet strangers! Welcome backkk, daddy issues go brrrr lmao. As always feel free to like, comment, reblog, and follow

[happydahlia]

Corrosion

can you just talk to me?

just say anything,

please.

because I can’t.

I can’t beg you to love me,

I can’t beg you to come back.

I want to,

More than anything I want to.

I want to get down on my knees and claw at your chest until you feel what you’ve made me feel and you realize you do want me.

But I can’t.

I can’t push you into that choice.

If you come back it has to be because you truly want to.

Because you truly want me,

Because you truly love me.

Even then I can’t just grab you by the wrist and pull you in.

You still have the key,

But it’s corroded now,

It won’t unlock my heart so easily anymore.

I love you.

I’ve never doubted it,

Even when I’m hurting more than I ever have before,

I still love you.

I will always love you.

And for now at least,

I need to let you go.

I need to let you find your own way home.

You might not ever,

You might make your home somewhere else,

But know that i will always be here.

Sitting by the fire waiting to hear your truck pulling in the driveway and your keys turning in the lock.

A/N: hiii internet strangersss. As always feel free to like, comment, reblog, and follow.

[happydahlia]

drunk words, sober thoughts

It’s kind of pathetic, isn’t it?

How no matter what happens,

No matter how terrible or how happy,

My first thought is always you.

It has been eleven weeks.

Eighty eight days.

Roughly two thousand one hundred and seven hours.

And still that first thought is you.

I thought this shit was supposed to get easier with time.

I guess it has in some ways,

I don’t shatter all over again with every breath I take,

The fractures are less frequent now.

But missing you never gets easier.

Since that day we’ve gone through phases of talking everyday to not talking at all.

We’re good now,

Friends in an odd kinda distant but achingly familiar way.

But I never stop missing you.

Never stopped loving you.

Sometimes you say things that pull me back,

They make you look how you used to.

When you loved me, I mean.

They make me wonder if you still do.

But then you wake up the next morning with no memory of it, the alcohol you’ve taken as a crutch wiping it from your mind.

Always your darling, but only when drink loosens your tongue, right?

I doubt you mean it.

I can’t let myself believe that you mean it.

Not when it’s infused with the taste of beer.

Are drunk words really sober thoughts?

Or is that something girls like me came up with because it’s easier to swallow than the reality that you don’t feel that way for me anymore.

A/N: heyyy internet strangers, back again lol, triple threat w tsss. All very targeted. Same muse, same ache. Yk who you are bub. Anyways enough self pity bs, as always feel free to like, reblog, share, comment, and follow.

<3

[happydahlia]

Orange

Orange is the color of the hoodie I stole from you, a darker shade, almost burnt.

I wore it on nights when missing you kept me from sleep.

Orange is the flavor of the chocolate I gave you at christmastime before a movie date.

It was sweet, one of my favorites, just  like you.

Orange is the color I see most now when I look at the sunset.

I remember the night you told me you see your best friend in it.

Orange is your favorite color.

I didn't care for it much before you.

I see it everywhere after you.

A/N: heyyy internet strangers, me again. This one n the other few im posting rn are a lil different than the usual, got some new inspiration lol. As always, feel free to like, reblog, share, comment, and followww.

<3

[happydahlia]

Every Sunrise Holds A Promise

Every sunrise holds a promise.

Like maybe today the oranges and pinks will fade into blues,

And with them this distance will fade too.

Every sunrise holds a promise.

Like maybe today the sun will return its peak in the sky,

And with it so will you.

Every sunrise holds a promise.

I choose to hope they’re promises of you,

Painted in the sky telling me to hold on just a little longer.

Every sunrise holds a promise.

But promises aren't always kept,

The sky may whisper sweet nothings of your love but that doesn't ensure its return.

Every sunrise holds a promise.

But you made promises too and now you aren't keeping them,

Why should I believe the hues in the sky when I’m no longer sure I can believe the mahogany in your eyes?

Every sunrise holds a promise.

I promise they will all hold the promise of my always,

Because although I’m unsure what remains of your promises, I am certain I love you.

With every cycle of the sun.

Always.

A/N: heyyy internet strangers, it’s been a minute. This one, and the next few are a little different than what I usually write. So ✨new inspo yayyy✨ ig lol. As always, feel free to like, reblog, share, or leave a comment. I love to hear how others relate to my work so if you wanna share my asks and comments are always open.

Might be kinda messy to post ts cuz the mf follows me on here so, if you still check this app n somehow see this, you know who you are, I think this makes how I feel pretty clear.

<3

[happydahlia]

2am

It’s 2am and I’m staring at my ceiling,

Trying to pick out faces in the texture and naming them as if they’re old friends.

At this point they just might be.

We watch each other constantly.

They’ve seen me at my lowest,

When I spill my soul out onto my pillow in the form of hot salty tears.

While I rip myself apart, failing continually to calm the shake in my hands and lift the weight from my chest.

All on nights like this one, lying here wondering why sleep hides from me like a child from consequence.

It’s always when I need it most that it runs from me.

When the darkness under my eyes grows darker still,

And my thoughts are all half baked or broken.

Overwhelmingly tired yet my mind refuses rest,

Thoughts too loud to keep my eyes closed,

Too fast to calm my heartbeat, pounding out of my chest.

It’s 2am and once again I’m gazing into the eyes of an old friend instead of dreaming.

A/N: hiii internet strangers, it’s been a while. As always please leave a like, comment, reblog, or follow. I love to hear how others interpret my work so feel free to comment or leave smth in my asks, they’re always open.

<3

[happydahlia]

The Love Game

The only people who’ve ever truly hurt me have been the ones I’ve loved. I handed them my heart and they either played catch with it like loving me was some kind of game meant to pass their time or looked at it with disgust as though loving me was something as difficult as putting out a fire with gasoline. They’d say they loved me with annoyance in their eyes, like my affection towards them had scorned them somehow. So forgive me if I don’t believe you when you say you love me too. Their game of catch wasn’t gentle, you see? They dropped my heart on the concrete more than a few times, left the ground all bloody. I’m sorry if I scan your eyes for that familiar glaze of repulsion. I don’t mean to, really, but I can’t help it. I’m not used to hearing “I love you” without it. There’s a glint in your eyes but it’s not the same, it’s warmer somehow. I won’t lie and say I’m not afraid, that those three words and the weight behind them doesn’t make my bones quake. The tug in my chest telling me to reciprocate scares me more though, the urge to repeat them persistently filling my veins. I didn’t want to admit it at first, to myself or to you. But in truth, I love you. With everything. Every single cracked piece of my soul. Every weathered page of this book I call my mind. Slowly, I’ve noticed, my fear is fading away. I’m not terrified to love you, to be loved by you, even though I know it may destroy me in the end. You’d be worth that hurt. I’d suffer endlessly, till my tears turn to blood, till the marrow of my bones is composed only of memories of you. All because I love you.

[sin-ophelia]