Trying To Hold On

Always Trying | Endy | 20 | Recovery and Aesthetic Moods

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

Someone please talk to me.

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

Some of y’all didn’t sacrifice Arcadia Bay just for Chloe and it really shows

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

Currently watching Squid Game while my partner sleeps restlessly beside me. Its hard to see them never at ease but life has just thrown nothing but trials at us. Loss. Grief. Being kicked out of a place we felt safe due to manipulations, forced to move to a new state, and yet, its nights like this where i feel things may be okay for us eventually. I love them, they love me, and we're doing our best to make our lives work as we trek through poverty to create a better life for ourselves. We ordered food akd actually ate all of it, difficult for two recovering anorexics but a big accomplishment for us, i don't know. Im just trying to be optimistic.

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

I can feel myself wanting to relapse. More and more everyday. I dont want to eat anymore, ever again, not until i can feel beautiful. I want to be skinny like the others. I want to be hallowed cheeks and deep collar bones and thin dainty fingers that seem too fragile to touch. Like a porcelain doll. But i dont want anyone to see me do this. I don't want people to be inspired by me or follow in my footsteps. I hate this endless agonizing cycle and i dont know what to do anymore.

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

10-31-21 💍💕

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

If youve been following this account for a while then im so sorry for the long hiatus but let me fill you in on the last four years.

My longterm gf broke up with me and i relapsed, it got pretty bad. I rebounded with someone else who fucked me over after a few months, then had another longterm relationship for a year and few months before moving out to Washington state and meeting my current partner. Nearly a year later and i am still struggling with mg recovery but growing up as well. Im now 20 years old, bi-demi-poly, with an amazing partner who i am moving in with in 9 days. I was off tumblr during this time because the pro-ana community would have killed me had i stayed. My blog is for recovery and love, and i wasnt able to provide that for anybody-let alone myself, but i feel like im in a better place now and im glad to be back.

Much love,

Endymion

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

Should i start posting here again? Idk

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

Oh shit, here we go again, guess whos back bitches, it’s me 

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

So much has changed, would you believe that I watched my entire life fall apart before my eyes and yet here I am continuing to try to piece it back together step by step knowing damn well no one fucking cares. 

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

Tumblr is toxic.

[astra-noctis]

[6:19 AM, Wednesday 4/24]

laying in my bed, currently listening to music. Slowly thinking about how I fucked up my relationships with others and regretting them.

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

~sighs~

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

I’m not okay. Someone please help.

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

I live within a broken household and I am reminded every day how I will never be good enough. I am reminded of my every mistake and how much of a horrid person I have become. I reminded how I am talentless and useless and how no one truly loves me.

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

Fuck my goddamn parents man, I can’t take their shit anymore.

[fullheartsuggestions-goodbye]

i hope i always make you feel happy and safe

[happyneverendingdaydreams]

Can someone please just tell me why I am alive?

[love-diaries]

“You know you love someone when you save their texts and re-read them when no one is watching.”

— (via love-diaries)