This Is Me

I am a mom of two wonderful girls, work a full time job, married 16 years and am trying to hold it all together.

[hardworkingmomma-blog1]

One down, one to go

I had my first of two appts today. I will have results in a week by everything seems to be good so far. Here's the thing: my husband was concerned for me, reassuring me and even got emotional about things, just because of the unknown. I called him today and to let him know what I found out. I guess he heard that I was ok and that was that for him. He had a long day at work and when he got home, there was no, are you feeling ok? Are you ok with the information you received? Nothing. I am out on the patio, just hanging out and I said, hey. Come out here. His reply? I'd rather be in the quiet. I hope I don't get bad news next week. He might decide to go out that night and leave me alone. Am I fine? Yes. Am I worried? Not really. Is that the point? Not in the least. I'm ok and that is that in my husbands world. I suppose.

[hardworkingmomma-blog1]

Being Present

This is my biggest fail as a mother. In my opinion anyway. I am always trying to think about everything that needs to be done instead of being present for my family. I am more concerned about homework, laundry, clean rooms, dinner, housework. I need to more worried about giggles, happy kids, happy husband, laughter and memories. These are the things that are most important. I need to be present.

[hardworkingmomma-blog1]

Is this 39??

I have found myself with two health problems. One requires a follow up for additional tests and the other requires a specialist. It is hard to keep my fear at bay but I am doing just that. My husband is actually truly concerned. My best friend is concerned. My parents haven't even asked about when my appointments are, and I am maintaining a calm surface. I think as my appointments creep closer, I am starting to feel more and more nervous. What if there is something really wrong? I am doing my best to stay calm, to blow it off as nothing but that is hard. I tell my oldest not to worry about the things we can't control. I am trying my hardest to keep that advice for myself. What will these next two appointments bring? I just don't know.

[hardworkingmomma-blog1]

Parenting is a balnce

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. You have to be loving, nurturing, tough and strict, some times all in the same breath. I don't want my girls to grow up distant and afraid of coming to me. I want them to be open, honest and feel free to talk to me about anything. The way to do this? Be loving, nurturing, tough and strict. It hurts me to get onto my girls. I never understood the "it hurts me more than you" idea. No one can, until you have kids. Suddenly it all makes since. I have spent more than one night crying because of how I lost my cool with the girls. I don't want to be the mom that flies off the handle but there are times it just happens. When I am in the garage or on the patio just soak in sad mom tears and mom shame, I wonder if my mom ever did the same thing. Parenting is hard. Parenting is wonderful. Parenting is amazing. Parenting is tough. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.