Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Covers

by Keaton Patti

[keatonpatti]

The bot wrote another Xmas movie!

[keatonpatti]

CantinaScript.pdf

A Cheers script set in the Star Wars universe!

I’ve always thought a comedy series based in the Star Wars universe would be fun.

To test that theory, I wrote a Cheers episode set in the Mos Eisley cantina.

Check it out if you like Cheers or Star Wars or comedy or scripts or just clicking links!

[keatonpatti]

Commercial-Casting Breakdowns

Seeking forty- to sixty-year-old man or woman. Professorial type. Will be throwing Skittles at therapy clients instead of providing help. This is NOT a Skittles commercial but a commercial for the concept of therapy, to get the word out.

Pork Dude: Seeking forty- to fifty-year-old man for pork ad. Kevin James-type. Great actor, with memorable facial expressions reminiscent of Kevin James, commanding voice, and the ability to eat pork products the way Kevin James would (video attached). Must be a local tri-state hire and also must be Kevin James.

[keatonpatti]

Finally, a Subscription Service for Liars

Bragbox is the only subscription box service that will help you deceive those around you. Subscribe to Comedy Central Originals: https://www.youtube.com/chan...

I wrote this sketch for Comedy Central about a subscription service that gives people what they actually want: bullshit they can brag about!

[keatonpatti]

As Mayor, I’m Saving This City By Getting a CSI Set Here

I didn’t come here today to the one building in our city that isn’t on fire to bemoan our lot in life. I came here with a solution.

I hate to get political, but I had to in order to write this piece.

[keatonpatti]

THIS COMIC IS VILE!!! THAT’S NOT EVEN A REAL PLACE!!! WE NEED TO ALL LOVE EACH OTHER!!! LOVE NOT HATE!!!

[keatonpatti]

An Introduction to The Pick-Up Artist’s Way

Most people think artists are born, not made. That Van Gogh left the womb and immediately painted his mother’s portrait, charged her for the cost o...

“Before introducing the methodology of my pick-up artist system, I want to give you a symbolic mental image.

Picture a gardener and a tree. Now realize that gardener didn’t make that tree. No, he planted a seed and nurtured it with care and water over many years until it became that tree. Can you picture that?

Great. Now picture yourself after my teachings, a strong alpha male, charging up to that beta gardener, pushing him over, and then seducing that beautiful tree.

With this book you will be able to do that. You will be able to fuck trees and anything else you want.”

[keatonpatti]

Taxes

One year I didn’t pay my taxes, just to see what would happen.

The day after Tax Day, the IRS drove a tank through my front door.

“Hey now! What gives?” I asked.

Out of the tank poured IRS people, all saying “Gimme gimme gimme!”

I had to keep putting loose change into their outreached hands until they quieted down.

The tallest one said, “Don’t let it happen again!” and drove the tank through my back door.

I think I paid about $1.37 in taxes that year and my house was half demolished.

But I did learn the IRS has a tank.

I consider that a win.

[keatonpatti]

Subway Pizza

I stopped into a Subway. “Hey, your sign out front says you make pizzas,” I said. “Yeah, we make pizzas,” said the employee. “Are they good?” I asked. “We make pizzas.” “Yeah, but are they good?” “We make them.” “If I ate one, would I be happy?” “We make pizzas.” “Hmmm…I’ll have one pizza.” The employee motioned me to come in close. She then whispered, “I wouldn’t if I were you.” “One pepperoni pizza.” “Don’t.” “With extra crust.” “Stop.” “Boiled, please.” “No.” “Some of that mustard too, for dipping.” The employee’s head exploded, just like a pizza left out in the sun. I got a $10 gift card for my trauma and spent it on the cookies.

[keatonpatti]

THIS IS HOW THIS COMIC TREATS A WAR HERO AND US SENATOR?!?! I NEVER SAW GARFIELD TELL A CONGRESSMAN TO SHOVE A LASAGNA UP HIS YOU KNOW WHAT!!! RUDE!!!

[keatonpatti]

Uber

I was in an Uber the other day. (It’s like a cab but in a car that isn’t yellow.)

And the driver kept talking about his boat. (It’s like a car but in the water.)

Boat this, boat that. Talked about it for like an hour. (It’s like sixty minutes but with a different name.)

Finally, I told him to just let me out at the nearest Wendy’s. (It’s like Burger King but for ladies.)

After I got out, I looked him in the eye. (It’s like the nose but for seeing.)

I said, “Buddy, if I wanted to hear about boats, I would’ve listened to my dad’s boating podcast, Boat-er Safe Than Sorry: The Only Podcast By Boats, For Boats. Only available on Earwolf.” (It’s like a mom but the male version.)

He apologized and drove straight into a river. (It’s like a lake but skinny.)

I gave him 5 stars. (It’s like a 4 but fatter).

[keatonpatti]

I HIGHLY DOUBT AN OLDER LADY WOULD KNOW ANY SONGS FROM THE WONDERFULLY UNDERRATED STAIND CATALOG!!!! STILL, THAT IS NOT THE WAY TO GO ABOUT SAYING THAT FOR A YOUNG BOY!!!!

[keatonpatti]

WHO IS THAT GUY??? IS HE FAMOUS??? IS HE A DAFT PUNKER??? THIS COMIC IS EVIL!!!

[keatonpatti]

Can’t believe Elon Musk is dating Grimes!!!

[keatonpatti]

I always liked that No Reservations show where that guy would travel the world eating things.

He’d go to France and eat like a bunch of bread.

Then he’d go to Egypt and eat like a pyramid.

And then he’d go to China and eat like one of the people who make iPhones.

I think the guy’s name was Anthony Bourdain or something exactly like that.

I often wonder what happened to him, but then I look in the mirror, and there he is.

He lives in my mirror.

I don’t even charge him rent, when I totally could.

[keatonpatti]

Bus

One time I was sitting on the bus playing a game on my phone.

An old man tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Video games were different when I was a boy.”

“How so?” I asked, always eager to learn from those about to die.

The old man chuckled and then said, “Well, for one, there were no Xbops or Gaystations.”

I worried if I corrected him he’d die and that would slow the bus, and I was in a rush to get to the 24-hour 7/11 before it didn’t close.

“Second of all, we didn’t have Marriott or Juigi.”

I corrected him here, because we were now close enough to the 7/11 that I didn’t care, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“And finally, we didn’t have no Sintendo Bitch.”

I stood up, seeing my stop was near, leaned down, and whispered into the old man’s ear, “How dare you. I work for Gaystation,” before injecting him with a poison.

As I got off the bus, I turned around to see the old man mouthing these words: “This is my stop.”

I started to think maybe he meant that metaphorically, like this was his last stop in life, but I stopped thinking of that when I got an idea for the perfect Gaystation game.

Jengay: Gay Jenga.

[keatonpatti]

IF MY CHILD EVER SAID SOMETHING TO ME THAT WAS ONE TENTH AS OFFENSIVE AS THIS, I’D GROUND THEM FOR A MONTH!!! NO TV, NO CANDY, AND NO LOGAN PAUL!!!