Believe in Yourself. A Big Thank you to 2010.
Forgive me as my yearly reflection is a month late. I suppose you could say I was procrastinating. In that case I've procrastinated for a year and some change. I haven't felt my true self this past year. I stopped writing. I haven't written a full, quality poem in over a year. I've been disappointed by where I am at this point in my life and where my life was....or was not going. I'm usually very closed about my personal mishaps. This blog is a bit personal and very out my character. I don't feel entirely comfortable expressing my experiences this past year, but my experiences reinforce the primary message of this post.
I stumbled many times this past year, eventually falling pretty hard. Unfortunately, I was unable to amass the strength to pick myself up from my dismal abyss. Here I was, a college graduate, feeling more than inadequate. Upon graduating from college, my ordeal searching and obtaining employment proved rather difficult. I could argue I graduated during a time when the job climate wasn't suitable for new graduates during 2008/2009 and despite all my strenuous efforts, I failed to find a reputable position as all my peers had. But I can not make excuses for my shortcomings. If my friends were able secure employment, then clearly I wasn't doing something properly.
After landing a position at MTV, five months after graduation, I continued to feel incompetent. I didn't feel as if my salary reflected the status of my college degree. We attend college to learn, yes, but the ultimate goal after blowing sixty grand per year on a college education is to guarantee a well-paying job after. Am I not correct?
On top of my employment dilemmas, I felt a bit lovesick. Early 2009, I fell "in love," had my heart broken, then fell quickly out of love.... only to almost immediately fall hard for another person. Sadly, I realized how I felt a for the second female a bit too late. The love department then seemed to become taboo, only because it took me a almost a year to get over... a stranger.
Secretly, I was disappointed in myself for not going straight to grad school. I became even more disappointed when I was not accepted in my first graduate program of choice in early 201-
A few months after I became comfortable with my job, two friends and I impetuously began a quirky show, which quickly became a bit popular within the LGBTQ community and on twitter. Since I felt as if I was running into brick walls at work, the show provided a new motivation. My friends and the show made me a bit happier.
But then it rained, poured, and thundered. Then lightening struck at the few branches I managed to develop.
First, my friend, who I considered a close friend, suddenly stopped appearing to live broadcasts for our show. After growing tired of initiating contact her, I decided to just leave it alone. If the show was something she really wanted to do, as she previously claimed, she would have been there on time, every time.
Shortly thereafter, I was laid off from work. I couldn't explain how upset I was. I had to start the job search process from scratch, and wasn't sure how successful I'd be or how long I'd be unemployed. More was on the line this time. I lived on my own now, and took care of my grandmother. I had significant rent and bills to pay. They say when we grow older, we revert to childlike tendencies and ways of thinking. I can now say from experience, taking care of my grandmother is almost like raising a child. It becomes very frustrating at times.
On top of bill and rent, I also had to pay thousands of dollars to a lawyer for medical malpractice. I discovered my dentist purposely misconstrued some of my mouth procedures in order for me to return with 'new' problems and more money from my insurance. Also, since I was unemployed, I no longer had any insurance and had to pay for thousands of dollars worth dental repairs by a new dentist.
Between November and December, I witnessed my money rapidly dwindle. Thousands of dollars became only a few hundred. I was unemployed. I wasn't sure where my next paycheck would come from or when. I thought I'd get evicted because I only had a least a month's rent left, and definitely not enough for my additional bills. Although I lost focus on the love department for some time, I felt lonely for once. The holidays always reminded me of an ex who cheated and left me a week or so before Christmas. My show now longer provided me with the motivation I needed to look past all the negatives.
I prayed to God on a daily basis, as I've done since childhood. Yet, it appeared God was punishing me. My life not only fell apart, it was pretty much defunct.
I no longer felt I had a need to exist on the earth.
Then.... abruptly, my life slowly fell back into place. I discovered the last two weeks of December JP Morgan hired me, over 5 candidates and 4 interviews, and asked me to start the first Monday of the New Year. I was beyond elated.
I needed to celebrate.
I partied with my brother for his birthday on the 30th. I managed to secure a beautiful date for New Years, 24 hours before the actual day :). And lastly, I was accepted into a graduate program. While I hope to transfer into my program of choice this coming fall, I am quite ecstatic about taking my grad classes, (my first one was today!) And the show? It may not be where I want it to be, but I am still persevering. I've recruited four new bloggers for the show's blog and I am more than confident their contributions will be very rich and compelling for our readers.
So, why the need for this sappy and loquacious storyline? I don't want you feel sorry for me. That's unnerving.
I want to brace you for 2010's reflection of course.
The most significant concept I learned this year (drum roll please): Believe in yourself. When others doubt you, or when others let you down, keep persevering. When you let yourself down, continue to persevere. Giving up IS ultimately permanent failure. Our obstacles and our failures are the building blocks of a successful future. We must utilize our shortcomings as our motivation. When you believe in yourself, others perceive your self-confidence, and then they too believe in you.
The same concept is applied to God. God only helps those who helps themselves. He observes us as we endure through our hardships, and He will eventually pulls us out of our deepest setbacks. He may answer immediately when you call upon Him, but he always comes RIGHT time.
He did. He emerged at the right time to pull me out of my despondency and reverse my misfortunes.
And I couldn't be more Thankful.
So here is a Cheers to 2011! Only one month in, and it's commenced with a BANG!
KaPow!
Best Wishes for all of you this yr =],
May God also assist you along your endeavors,
Free