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I gave up and then came back when I met E again.

The feeling of winning two drafts back to back gave me a feeling of success, loke i was always this good while keeping me blind to the variance.

I carelessly spent like 150 on aetherdrift because of the fomo.

I want out now... For good. Should i be drastic? Should i give it all away? Should i just sell?

I wish i was back on meds. Stronger ones too.

#fuck everything

I messed up.

This whole month has made me feel weird and depressed. What could it have been? There was a tax situation and a cox debt situation both of which gave me stress. There was the election filling me with thoughts of there being a 50% chance of everyone i meet just wants to start a fight. Magic hasn't been the same. A lot of people are getting out of the game and i'm wondering why I'm still here. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. 302 lbs. I haven't spoken with family or friends in months. Drawing feels laborious, draining, like forcing nails on a chalkboard. I become overwrought with jealousy when i see people on social media able to effortlessly pull of masterworks. I stare at my reflection and wonder why i can't do that. I tried to quit magic but fell back into it harder. There hasn't been anything to fill the void. Everyday i spiral, i accept that things have gotten worse and will continue to get more worse. No interactions, just telling my clients i need one more day on their projects. Getting pissed off that i go through so much effort and am not responded to or are given a revision note 9 hours later. Overdrawn, savings depleted.

This was supposed to be my year. It's been a mess

Went out with H last night for members night at the new location.

I feel conflicted after how things went last night.

I was called to go head out at 7 and maybe be out till 2. I should have been wary from this outlook alone. The commander games were actually horrible. Had to sit next to a big guy who would not close his legs and give me the necessary room to fit into the table comfortably. The first game i think went ok but it went to shit after that. Players leaving the table and talking to their friends just making 10 minute turns a piece.

And then it ended up as cedh bullshit. The guy next to me is vocal as all hell except when passing the turn leading to more time wasted.

Then there's J. Who still rubs me the wrong way and I don't know why...

Maybe it's the fact that i saw them at snapcasters and the environment they cultivated there and heres a sweaty jock coming over to charisma stomp this place.

Currently feeling fatigued at the game right now.

Saw M again today. He looked well, today was very fun.

I should point out the times when it's good as well.

Eh it all feels back to usual at this point. Everytime I'm in the lul of spoiler season that's when 'i'm good'. But as soon as it fires back up, that when i drop a few bucks for events and all that.

I feel so stuck in stasis lately, i wish i could progress but it's money in money out, commissions done commissions accepted. Everyone on my discord is my client. Every new day is chocked full of reminders. How do i even get away from it?

Insomnia sucks

Another day with a significant portion for arena. The amount of time it took away from me today was severe. How does someone with a more demanding job do it? I recognise its hooks got back in me. Maybe i should pivot to something else on wednesday.

Tomorrow I'm afraid i won't be able to resist it again.

Maybe this blog is hurting my distraction from it?

She complimented my comic today. It was a premise that she didn't find appealing initially but i think the beginning might have sparked some interest. Maybe it's because i am making comics again for myself and she is just being enthusiastic.

I have high hopes for the comic, and i hope that the concepts gels with people

I reinstalled arena to play sealed. I feel this was a relapse. I felt it all over again, of course this wouldnt be new. It took away the day. I ended. Up waiting for it to be ready, i watched someone else stream it. I fell back in kinda hard. After washing out in sealed i uninstalled it again. This might have been the best outcome. I'm still in all this culture. Tomorrow I'm going to play commander. I hope it feels better.

Also a little rant i wanna get off my chest. I offered to pay for an alania card in the gg server. Guy asked about my request. I explained to this guy that even though the market said it was like 55 i was only going to pay 35 for it.

My reasoning being that it's price will plummet after the product gets opened enough for singles to fill the market.

He disagreed with my take and i'm not trying to take it personally but i am.

Cause i dont wanna rob anybody but at the same time i dont want to be an idiot who gets rinsed. Gilded alania will plummet and I'm just doing the guy the courtesy of taking that off his hand. It's more egregious that he said he worked for GG. So like shouldn't you be aware of what I'm talking about? It pissed me off that he didn't want to haggle and was like 'nah, i'll find another buyer' buddy. No you won't. You'll be looking at this dumb card in your collection that wont even fucking move because it's just a sub optimal card anyway. It will be on your trade binder for months and it will go down to like 20, and you'll be kicking yourself because you thought you were being scammed

But ultimately his decision, it's so hard to even get rid of mtg cards these days that I'm just surprised more than anything.

I hate the finance side of this shit. People hanging on to that crap. Gambling on various things and seeing the price tag on everything.

I wanted to go yesterday and then was made to realise that would be 3 times over 5 days. It sounded like an addiction.

It felt easy to slip back in, with the new set i was even reconsidering arena.

I came to the conclusion that i can't make friends with this hobby even though at times, friday came close.

Sure D and the old man seemed bice, but what if it was E again? What if they were too focused on the game to understand the social grace. It sounded like D was enfranchised And knew the trappings, so that probably wouldn't be an issue.

I'be gotten a good streak with my money and work and worry exposure to this again would ruin that.

Played bloomburrow prerelease today. It was fun, i had a fun time cause the people i played against were fun and polite people. It got me excited again, to be honest.

I was talking with players who were way older and that was interesting. I wondered, how long would i keep playing for?

Am i back?

I saw A and N, despite this hiatus they recognised me with kind warmth.

Been a month now. No arena at all. I even try to tempt myself by looking at my decks from time to time but still nothing.

I wonder what it was that made it click for me.

I remember meeting A and finding his lukewarm reception to engaging with me very off putting but probably more off putting was their treatment for a player they didn't like. Purposefully misreading the rules to them so they would lose. Plus i found D to just be generally obnoxious. Guy left snapcaster but still brings that jocky elitism with him. It felt like it was going to be that everywhere i go.

Casual players couldn't meet my enthusiasm and the enfranchised are just plain rude.

I have that mismatched energy again. Forever an outsider gazing into the aquarium wondering how long I can hold my breath underwater for.

This week i have to decide my replacement hobby. Need to find a good cafe.

The next prerelease is on the 26th.

That would be the next point i would dip my toes back in. But how i feel about magic still hasn't changed. I still remember the pain and misery. I look at people enjoying cards with the same distant view that maybe someone like F has. I don't insert myself vicariously anymore.

There's a potential trip coming up and i mentioned me giving up magic should help with saving. So theres a bit more purpose to staying the course now.

One thing is, that i think is just growing pain is that i haven't replaced the passion of magic yet. I don't think I've found something to sink all that energy into, I'm hoping to do it with my art but its not clicking yet, I'm hoping it will.

Everything feels so tabula rasa lately, lot of things have been left behind and i don't know where to go from here.

It's been a couple of days on the mtg hiatus. I started considering this more heavily after hearing that Reddit story about the guy who was playing too much mtg arena and got out. The parallels of our experience were too similar. The way the game takes out 3 hours of your day while you grind dailies, the infuriating feeling of salt when you run into bad variance and general apathy towards any fun parts of the game.

What hallowed me was the part of the story where the guy started taking his aggression out on his wife. I don't think this is a healthy hobby anymore. I don't think i want to be with people who sort of dwell in this mire that is mtg.

Still feel bummed about last night. A real sobering moment. I feel that if i leave this hobby, it also takes away a part of me as well. I think my experiences with E showed I can't really get a friend out of this hobby.

Talking about magic is nice, but do i want someone who is a magic player as a friend? In the weaknesses that someone who plays magic brings along with them? Are magic players good people? Someone who comes to the store to unwind, spend a large amount on packs. Someone who has a gambling addiction by another name. There is still rampant elitism there. Guys messing with each other.

Here waiting an hour before draft... Wondering why i'm here. I need a new hobby. I feel like I got a good streak with some encounters here but that might be drying up now. E doesn't come here anymore, the vibe might have gotten stale. There's this one guy who used to work at snapcaster comes here now. I wonder what happened with him and the owner there. He's currently just sitting on a table just talking to other guys about magic without even playing it. The place is quickly filling up. This is my moment to decide if i stay... I said i'd wait till 6. This is not bringing me joy and is taking it away from other things I like. I am tempted to go home and pack it all up. I can find something else to do.

What am i hoping to get out of these visits? Someone inviting me back to their house and we connect over other thing? Would i bring a stranger back to my house?

I could be drawing or playing elden ring. Or making my burritos.

This sucks. Im out

Today played with andrew, orion and gabrielle. Justin interrupted andrew in the middle of our game to talk spoilers at andrew and hold up our game. I don't know how there isn't social grace to not interrupt a game, even if it's casual. They later asked for a 5 man game where we tried to sweat them out but lost to a tutored time sieve.

Overall i still feel fairly lethargic, but not as bad as usual. Playing the first game was great. I like that energy. It's still largely a social game where it gets better if there is 100% card knowledge. General flow is better and keeps a long game from getting too long.

Mh3 prerelease excited me but the pricepoint of 60 dollars is rough. Luckily im in a position where that doesn't hurt me as much anymore.

I didn't spend that much today as well

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