hi !! after a long 5 and a half year run of dedicating my content, my money, my thoughts, my friends to anime, mainly my hero academia, i’ve come to know that the dorky characters that have lived in my heart since i was 14 years old, don’t really motivate me anymore. as my mutuals know, i’ve been inactive since about mid november. now that i notice the flood of newer interest and the dedication has shifted over to something else, id hate to let this blog stand without proper explanation and somewhat of a goodbye to the people ive made great connection with in the past 7 months.
that shoto fic is sitting half written, and i fear if love and ambition isn’t going into my writing, there really isn’t any point.
i love you and will always be here still reading your fics and giggling over the thought of it being true, a pierced up touya or lovesick bakugo.
i hope to allow everything ive ever loved and that teenage girl to be so proud of what she’s become. growing out of things is such a beautiful experience, especially when it continues to remain in your heart as comfort.
let this account sit in silence till the love for mha rises in leah’s heart again. again, love you all very much , mwah.
interview time!! how do you feel afterwards writing crumpled memory??? 🤩😘
uhh im glad it’s over ( was banging my head against the wall ) it took 5 days to write overall it was worth it im giggling at the love I’ve received from my idols
about ; in the midst of distraction in the aftermath, the mind lingers on one.
word count ; 3.5k
a/n : based on reccomendation from the one and only @seneon hopefully this breaks hopes and dreams idk <3
touya sought freedom, a voice, and an end to the burning hatred in his bones. when he stood down, letting the piercing ice his family enclosed him in melt. he had a selfish desire to mend.
he went home with a glimmer of childhood nostalgia in his heart. the breeze of the wind rocking the swings in the park, the ocean singing at night, and the mountains around them reminded him of you.
the winter was even quieter than the ones he’d spent alone. he knew that you were around, he could be okay with it if you thought he was dead, but the thought runs through his head, you will not allow him to atone. he knows the horror that ran through your bones watching him on that damned broadcast. each one of his decisions would haunt the view you had of the man he became.
“touya.” natsuo’s voice snaps him out, and he gestures at touya’s hands. “you alright?”
he sat clenching a photograph, the sides folding in from the pressure of his hold. he looks down and begins to flatten it out. “yeah, i was just thinking.”
natsuo speaks with sincerity. “you need to call them.”
touyas throat speaks for him, a chuckle bubbling out. “i don't know where she is natsuo.” his gaze is helpless, it's not like he hasn't tried to find you before, but so many media pages hadn't been posted on in years, he didn't think youd ever get back to him, let alone want to be affiliated.
“their mother still works at the clinic.”
you were stubborn, and determined, knew your morals, the list could go on about how well matured you were for a child. touya had known that since he met you. who had no desire to look for an idol, someone to praise. yet, you still accepted the complete opposite, it was a feeling so distinctly different from the acceptance of a peer, a parent, or a trusted adult. you who had no urge for words of approval, everything he wished he could have been.
this was different, more complex than just simple permission from a mother to speak to their child, one someone could be so proud of.
he was scared, in the midst of his thoughts to push it away, get upset at natsuo for even suggesting it. he was mature, reasonable, and allowed himself to make a gentle choice.
…
the snow hugged the mountains, and his mind could not forget how badly he wishes it was a winter day the last time he went to sekoto peak. you’d told him not to, and still in the belief his father had heart in him, he still went.
“the seasons dry touya, you can't push yourself or you'll get hurt.”
the words played in his head like they’d come from the radio, it didn't sound right, it was broken and mixed up . he had been forgetting for a long time, that when he dreamed and you were there, you never spoke, and what you've said before comes to him in his voice.
you knew that forest better than anyone, he should have listened. it's when he started going up there that he met you. a quiet child in a puffy pink jacket that bothered him to touch, too scratchy to bear. your dad was a fisherman who worked in the mountains hunting in the winter, he never let you near touya often, just to run off and make snow angels where he could see.
he didn't tell you about his power for a long time, never much of a subject considering how little involved quirks were in your life at all. your father was quirkless, and your mother had a telepathic quirk. which leads to you having a quirk that with a touch, could soothe the brain. reset mode.
it was terrible, at least that's what he wanted to think. each time touya would freak out, go on a blabber about his dad, or how natsuo didn't listen.
a tap on the hand would make his brain just, stop. he could move freely absolutely, just to form a thought was difficult. it was so quiet in his head, and for a moment, everything felt okay.
soon, he never even needed it. time with you, was time with you. he did not need to speak about the terrors at home because he simply was too indulged with how your day went, the work you had to do with your dad, or how you were scared of growing up.
“i’m going to be a philosopher, learn about the bullshit world we live in and why we do the things we do. sounds fun doesn't it?”
it's a topic that grew larger. the day he told you about his power, you told him what your dreams were. time went on, and the more he hurt himself, the more you noticed. the more you’d talk about it.
silence rang in his head as flame consumed him, the same silent buzz raged on his skin.
“touya.” when he blinks, the clinic your mother worked at sat before the car. it's worn down over time for sure, but the small trinkets still sat on the window sill. “what if she blows up at me?” he turns to natsuo, his eyes feel strained. “you’ll be fine, and if she launches anything she can get her hands on at you, you have to find them.”
he swallowed down the knot in his throat, pushing the car door open, placing his hand on handle like to open the clinics. natsuo gives a loving shove, and he decides to straighten his shoulders.
walking into the clinic, the familiar jingle rings above his head, and a woman who is not your mother sits at the front desk. she does however welcome with a warm smile, and the ends of his lips impulsively rise.
“hi, um could i possibly speak to the owner please?”
“is there an issue?”
“no ma’am.” the way he was speaking felt abnormal to him, he never even spoke this way with you. he just wanted it to work out. he didn’t care if he was thrown out, some sort of closure is all he wanted.
“alright, i'll call her up for you.”
in the next moment, she's already walking out, her smile fading slightly before rising again. he swears he's sweating like an animal. “touya.”
“hi ma’am.” again, his fallen smile raises. he tries to look her in the eye, at least her face but they are stuck to the floor.
“you know you don't have to speak to me with all that mannerism.” a light chuckle comes from her, and the weight off his shoulders slides off. he is able to look her in the eye, noticing how she's aged and how admirable she still is.
“well don't just stand there, come here boy.” her hands lightly gesture, and his boots shuffle against the floor. the gentle grip on his coat sends warmth through his hands, he’d forgotten his gloves at home. “your not mad?” a heavy cold breath leaves his lungs, and he doesn't feel suffocated for a moment.
“if i was, would they already be their way?” his hands loosened off her back, looked over to the woman at the front desk who set down the phone with the smuggest grin you’d ever see.
…
“okay please stop.”
“i can't help it natsuo!!” touya whined, he’d been waiting 35 minutes. you were up further north doing whatever it was you did in the mountains, he never really understood what jobs could be up there. your mother had offered hot chocolate, and it sat in the cup holder. he was too nervous to eat or drink.
“didn’t they say like you'd never become enemies or something?” natsuo picks the warm cup up out of the cup holder, sipping on it, and smacks his lips. “that's good as shit.”
“it doesn't matter, that was before everything you know?” his hands dug into his coat pocket, scuffling out the photograph he had crumpled. “maybe they're not as forgiving anymore, and they're on their way to slap the shit out of me.”
“they did that once too.” natsuo butts in the middle of another gulp.
“okay now you need to stop.” with a grumble, he snatches the picture back, clumping it into his pocket again.
through the clinic window, the girl from the desk points, and the rumbling starts becoming louder and louder from the distance.
“get your girl kind of moment i guess.” natsuo grins, going to nudge him in the side, but hits nothing. he was already rushing out of the car.
standing with the sunlight beaming through the clouds, he can't see you standing there, but the car door swung open, the sound of your engine. the cloud must have toppled over the sun quickly, considering your face starts coming into view. you look slightly deranged, panting like you've been running. he could chuckle at you. you still have an unshakeable determination.
when your feet begin to move toward him, he is already tensing his face. however, instead of the slap that he would have hardly been able to feel, he is slightly winded.
your arms shoving around him, and the scratchy sound of your jacket doesn’t bother him this time.
“you're a fucking idiot!” he’s taken aback when your hands push at his chest from the embrace you were just in.
“11 years too long. i shouldn't have had to find out over a stupid broadcast- over the fucking radio! i was with my dad and you said your name-!”
his arms swayed limply at his sides. “i’m sorry i-“
your fingers push back the hair blowing into your face, swallowing down the lump in your throat. “i know you are, and it’s okay.”
when touya spent his years alone. it taught him to neglect everyone around him. the words “sorry” had never been a part of him in the years rage lived in him. unless he’d accidentally thrown a ball at you too hard or made too cruel of a joke, that's the only time he’d ever found himself saying the words.
empathy only came naturally to the people who deserved it
waving from the other car door, natsuo stands waving gently. “hi natsuo.” you chuckle, and his eyes are squinted from the breeze. “been a minute huh?”
...
“you know i get it if you don't want to talk to me right?” touya shuffled through the trunk of your car, pulling a pair of tennis shoes out.
“that's not how i feel.” he kneels, unzipping your mountain boots and slipping them off. “i was upset i never tried to do anything about what you had always told me.” he looks up for a moment, your gaze lingered on his hands, he goes back to slipping on the sneakers.
“that's not your fault.”
“you know things may have turned out differently though.” he sighs, slipping off the ledge following his hands underneath your shoulders. “well, there is nothing we can do now. feel alright?”
“feels fine, thank you touya.”
he nods with a folded smile. “so the park?” he asks, tilting his head slightly and crossing his arms. “yup, lets go.” your nose scrunches at him, and he lets a sarcastic scoff out as he lets his foot hit the back of your knee.
a scoff then comes from you, your foot also hitting at the back of his. “what, you going to race me? i think you need some oil there old man”
in this moment, blood pumps through his veins with oxygen, and everything explodes and combines, he is working again. it feels he has crawled out of the dirt and bloomed. “its a block, i'll race you, and i'll win.”
“ohh okay, keep up then.” and watching your feet begin off the concrete. “hey! we could have at least had a countdown!” and he begins to run after you. your laughs run through his head, making his surroundings on the gray day brighter. a child-like filter on the world.
he does wear down rather quickly, but he expected it. he knew the truth.
watching as you roll onto the grass entrance of the park, screaming out in victory, he dives straight beside you. “i went so easy on you!”
“yeah right! considering the look on your face-” he had worked himself out for you, hadn't he? the weak smile, but the tender winces leaving his chuckles told you something else.
“you were struggling-!” an awkward laugh bubbled from your throat, and he lay sprawled on the grass with his eyes shut.
there at that moment, no matter if he had begun to heal, there was no fuel left in him. touya was dying.
“we should do some stuff, we're already here. we can go to the beach next.” staring up into the sky, your mind blends past and present, everything felt so silent when touya was gone. laying in the sun during the summer felt uncomfortable like the sun was destroying your skin and making everything troublesome. each year you'd waste away waiting for the winter for things to be okay.
“the sun is setting, maybe tomorrow? when you can be more comfortable.” touya turns his head, looking over at you. “no, today. the beach is pretty when the moonlight hits it anyway, but first, the swings.”
there at that moment, you knew, touya was dying. the sun was falling to dusk, and each time his time would be cut shorter, like the winters of the cruel world. letting the fallen smile rise again, you tug at his hand, pulling him up til he can follow you up to the swings that he had well outgrown. there was no reason to dwell on the fate everybody would find.
touya digs his hands into his pockets, sitting on the seat of the swing. it sits rather snug, but he lets his feet swing. “it's curfew by now, the parents of this neighbor aren't gonna like us very much.”
“i don't live here anymore.” you shrug.
“i do.” he chuckles. “and everything reminds me of–everything you know.”
“well, let's not get sappy. i'll push you.” shifting off your swing, your hands push at his back, giving him some motion to swing back and forth.
his head gets buzzy.
there's nothing to think about but the stars fading into the sky, and the cherished street lights that illuminate the slides. there was no thought, but like never before, the shush from your lips plays in his head like he himself is doing it.
the feeling of his body rocking back and forth goes on till there is no velocity left.
looking up, the sky has gone dark from its gray closure. “you’ve got to stop doing that y/n!!” you snort, mockingly quietly from your swing. “i wanna go to the beach, so stop staring and come back to reality.”
“i heard you that time-” he blinks, standing from the swing, it hits him in the back of the leg. he doesn't react however, just silently reaching back to stop it.
“we’ll walk?”
“yeah, why not.”
…
watching from the concrete ledge of the beach, the moonlight shines down upon the water. the tide swallows the sand, and you stand beyond letting it wash on your knees. it was too cold for touya, it felt empty again, that he couldn't stand beside you like he would, or go swimming in the middle of winter. the water almost speaks to you, splashes from afar confusing and replacing it with lost memories.
but in his mind, it is almost a blessing that he could watch you live one more time. a person of peace who found no need. he tries to wipe the feeling of nostalgia from his mind.
you run up, panting slightly from the cold. you sit on the ledge with him.
“it’s so nice, you sure you can’t go skim it?”
“could send my body into shock, rather not end it now.” he chuckles, turning his head, taking a breath, about to speak before he stops. “-you know, i want to live. i've always wanted to live.” he lets the air stuck in his lungs release, a cool cloud coming with it.
“we're all going to die anyway.” your mind fixates again on the truth.
“quote, “your body won't hold up much longer.” i guess, but i won't be kicking it anytime soon.” his hand pushes at your back.
“go, i had a good view.”
“your vile touya.”
“not like that, you're just pretty.” a small scrunch comes to his eye, his hand still patting you on.
“i might swim, who knows.” and the breeze starts to pick up. it's going to snow. you take a couple of steps before you nervously dig your foot into the ground.
“y/n?” he calls. his hands press the ledge, but he doesn't slide off, just watches as you approach.
“touya.” the crack in your voice sends his body up. “what is it?”
“i just don’t wanna lose you all over again. i can't.” his hands reach for you. his rough palms skim continuously rubbing at the side of your face. “shh, nono. don't be silly. when has my dumbass ever gone out and not come back?”
his thumbs start at the tears pinching at your eyes. it feels like years of pent-up emotion spilling from your words and from your eyes. possibly pushed underwater to choke on the salt of the sea, every landscape you shared with him had shoved its pollution into your lungs.
“the seasons dry touya.”
“please don't cry.”
his arms pull you to his chest, each shake of your body making him flinch, biting down on the flesh of his cheek. “you cold? come on, let's put your shoes back on. you've never jumped in that water and you know you won't.”
pulling from his chest, his sleeves wipe at the drying streams. he chuckles at the cold-induced redness on the pout of your lips. “you’re a dick touya.”
turning you both around, he rolls his eyes. “maybe, but i try my best to be nice to you. now sit before you get sick.” he kneels, sliding your socks on, and then your shoes. “it's gonna snow, we should go.” you sniffle, looking up to the gray hoard of clouds fogging in.
“we should, your set. let's go.” again, he slides you off from beneath your shoulders. somehow you've forgotten how habit it was for him. standing under the fire pole at the park to catch you, or helping you jump over the neighborhood walls. touya was made “evil.”
…
snowfalls. the street light outside his home illuminated its speed. by morning a light coat will rest upon the ground, the mountains covered with a tighter hug.
“those pants don't look like they are drying, i could go up and get something from fuyumi-”
“nono, i couldn't.” you shake your head, and he shakes his. “nono, you can just give it back the next time you see me. sit on the couch inside and i'll deal with it.”
“thank you touya.”
he clicks his tongue, shrugging as he pushes the door open for you. “don't have to thank me, i'd rather you not freeze.”
he brings down a pair of fleece cargos, handing them to you. “she said she doesn't even use them, bring em back whenever, or not.”
“well i can't put them on if you're staring.” he raises his brows, spinning around. “sorry.”
struggling to get the damp pants off your knees, you grunt. “i can help by the way, no peeking i promise.”
“fine, pull.” he turns around, a hand still on his eyes all while gripping the end of the pants and tugging them off, then turning back around.
“alright, heading out.” you stand off the couch and reach to hug him. his chin sits on your shoulder.
you both know it feels like you’ve shrunk, you cannot even feel the roughness against your cheek, maybe in some better place, where a father didn't choose power and heir, there could have been more time. your lips pushing against his cheek, the wrap of the embrace unraveling. “bye touya.” and his head goes fuzzy.
…
in the morning, the gray cast filled the sky once again, yet rain turned the snow to mush.
when the phone rings, you almost assume touya got your number from your mother. you pick up the number without a second thought. “hello?”
you expected the arrogant rasp, and your heart pounds a couple of beats quicker. the voice makes you set down the clothing you were folding. “natsuo? what's up?”
“you live there? i live two houses down! if you want, we could go and swim at the beach!
“it's the middle of the winter.”
“so?!”
"natsuo? come on whats up? is everything alright?"
“touya died. he’s dead.”
all over again, you'll stand before the same eyes, shared by the blood of a man you cannot bear. you won't look back to that house, you won't speak to enji or rei. the eyes of his siblings will haunt you, no matter blue or gray. summers and winters, the skies' beauty will be hidden from your eyes.
your lungs are on fire, your body hitting the concrete with each step sending blaze through your nerves till you've made it. soaked down in water, the fleece pants in one hand.
about ; you are differently stitched, no longer my husband.
haunted encyclopedia. ( halloween m.list )
every year, the lights would turn on in tokyo.
you’d wrap scarves around each other, laughs muffled from the warm fabric.
till each year, it became a day of tragedy. there was no warmth left for satoru gojo.
you watch the panicked huffs leave your lungs, you swore the air around you would freeze you soild.
there were no hands to wrap warmth around your neck, to keep your breath from turning cold.
you remember the 16-year-old who made snow angels out in the school courtyard.
he lies now on concrete, blood soaking into the light snowfall above. his fingers are purple, the wedding band on his finger sitting as if he’d be returning to his wife soon.
there is no time for mourning now, december 24th is no day of love any longer.
eyes that glittered like lights, sparkled like snow. now dark, unlit.
he had just turned 29, there was still so much left to say-
drenched in your own blood, you had to pick your feet up. looking up, a familiar figure stands in the distance. the winter is dying, snow melts before it hits the ground. why is it so cold?
the scene before you seems frozen in place, stumbling, and the ground beneath you ceases with red. time must be unreal, constant death, each day fazing by faster and faster. it has had to been a couple months. your’re dying, aren't you? that ring doesn't just come from anywhere, before light begins to build up. purple just like the alleyways of tokyo during christmas, you swear you laugh before your fighting to stay stood up.
when you die, you'll be with the satoru who was allowed life.
the heavy gulit of his death will not rest on your shoulders, you are free. no longer haunted by lingering perish.
thats not satoru. the same stitches worn by a friend, now worn by the man you married.
there is no warmth, nor love in the creature using his body.
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