Today was probably the last day I will ever see you.
I am feeling a very strange mixture of relief and great loss. It is very confusing. I can’t wait for you to be gone for good. You were not nice to me. You did not treat me with respect. You brought out anxieties and insecurities that I’m still working to diminish. But you were also there. You were there before anyone else was. You were there when I didn’t know whether or not I really existed. You made me feel wanted. You made me feel beautiful. You made me feel like I could be more than a fly on the wall. Like I was noticeable (when I asked how you recognized me, you told me I was the ”beauty queen of the second violins.” I don’t think I will ever forget that).
But you said a lot of ignorant and mean things to me. You called me awkward, you pointed out my physical flaws. You told me I looked like a meth head when I was having an anxiety attack. You called me a slut even though I was loyal to you (until the end, of course). You made me feel so small. And I just let it happen.
We were never “dating,” although I guess we really were. There was no communication. So when I went and found someone who treated me with respect and real, genuine interest, I had to do what I absolutely had to do. And I’m glad I did it. I mean, I wish I did it differently, severed ties with you first, perhaps. But I didn’t think we were together. I told you we weren’t. Maybe all of this guilt I feel is just an extension of the manipulation that played a key role in our relationship. I don't know.
But I hope you’ll forgive me. I just needed to be pulled out of this very dark place. You told me I downgraded because of his appearance. But I upgraded, because he is kind and generous and you are rotten.
I wish I could have fixed you. You had so many deep rooted issues. There was probably a lot that you didn’t tell me. Or lied about. I am pretty sure you’re a compulsive liar. But I still listened anyway. God, I wish I could have helped you. Maybe I was not enough. Too little, too young. Too awkward.
Sometimes you made me so angry. No one has ever brought out that side of me like you did. I have never yelled and fought full of rage like I did with you. So petty and frustrating. But I stayed anyway.
I wonder how I will remember you, a year from now. I don’t think I will remember you fondly. Although who am I to say. I will probably regret the time I spent with you. But hopefully, above all, I will look at it neutrally and as a learning experience.
Will you remember me? Be reminded of me? I feel as though you’ve already forgotten me. And maybe I am making a whole lot out of nothing in the grand scheme of things, but this is just how my brain works, I guess.
All those nights in your bed, in your apartment, in your arms... And all those times we hung out like friends... Despite all of that I didn’t think it would affect me this way. I will miss your company. I will miss the way I felt when I first met you. I will miss your warmth on my side in the middle of the night.
I think I loved you. Which is a very big deal for me. I don’t think I’ve loved anyone in a very, very long time. And maybe it’s not a conventional love, but I am pretty sure I did. I valued your company and your companionship, even after everything you put me through. It is so much easier to ignore the terrible things than it is to discredit the good times we had.
I will miss you when you’re gone, Morgan. But I am glad that today is the last day I will ever see you.
stormborns
yousharknotpass
gummygunk
titsay
dailybridgerton
origamiaround
pixelskylines
vaporwave
