22:48, 20.04.16, Wednesday evening
Yea 2016. Sorry Diary, I’ve neglected you so.
The intense title; I work in a prison now.
I have loved it, I have hated it. I’ve been there for about 18 months now. I just went permanent on Monday the 18th.
This job effects me in ways, positive ways more than negative, I never thought possible from a job. I have to be strong as to not be corrupted (like I nearly was right after the water project that I first started). I will not show weakness in front of those little scrotes.
It has caused me to grow a backbone which is always a bonus. It is however, very hard work to keep the pretense up all day every day. So when I get home I am exhausted. It grinds me down and my emotions explode ( at home) after a while.
I met a guy on POF; Alex.
He is my best friend and probably the worst person for me to have in my life. Ridiculous I know.
After reading my last post.....WOW! How I was in absolute denial about “Paddy”!!
Paddy was a manipulative controlling piece of shit and I was brainwashed right there. WOW. It’s only a matter of time before he graces me with his presence in my workplace. So glad I got outta that when I could.
But yea Alex....a completely different story. I’m actually 4 weeks pregnant with his child after living in hull with him since March last year. A mental couple of years that I’ve just come out of. Mental both good and bad. I think out downfall was our ever decreasing mental states/illnesses. I brought him up and he brought me down, through no fault of his own. Alex is a fantastic person and I came away for 2 reasons; 1. I wasn’t 100% attracted to him
2. My (what i thought was) depression was getting too much and needed to space alone to get help/sort myself out.
So here I am now, at the parents. Since the break up in January, I have hit lower than I ever thought I’d get again. I’ve refused to pick myself up in these past 3 years, seeing as I constantly get knocked down again and again. So after trying to actually top myself again, Alex got me help. I have analysed by a psychiatrist who has diagnosed me something entirely new to me and he hit the nail on head with every little thing he was saying.
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
overwhelming feelings of distress, anxiety, worthlessness or anger
difficulty managing such feelings without self-harming – for example, by abusing drugs and alcohol or taking overdoses
difficulty maintaining stable and close relationships
sometimes having periods of loss of contact with reality
in some cases, threats of harm to others
In other words, FUCKING MENTAL.
But I guess now I might get the help I actually need. I’ve coped since I was a teenager with this so I’ve not done half bad. But yes, I shall certainly try to keep up with my diary entries now, I know this helps.
So, the pregnancy thing. It’s horrible but I’m having a termination. Alex and I are toxic for each other. Whether this be forever or just because we’re both struggling with our break up; we were best mates and soul mates, and we’ll come together later in life, I just don’t know. We are agreed that bringing a baby into the world at this stage is not the right thing to do. He is to come to my termination on the 28th of this month. I am dreading it. What right do I have to take away a life? But ya know what, I’m putting the child first, cos I wouldn’t be able to care for it to my potential. It will always happen again.
I AM STRONG. I CAN DO THIS. IT’S FOR THE BEST IN BOTH OUR BEST INTERESTS. (AND THE BLOB’S)
It’s weird being preggers. I’m fat and bloated but I have more of a backbone and I want to take care of myself. As we always say,
everything happens for a reason.
I believe this had several reasons;
To give me more strength, yes more
To send me down to rock rock rock lower than owt
To make me realise that life can be changed around in an instant
To put my mind at ease; I can have kids!
So where am I at now? Good question!
I am attempting to get myself on an even keel again, and yea you know it Mitch, the running is coming back soon cos you know it helps a fucking shit load.
I am doing this for one reason, the be able to cope with upcoming trauma I am to put myself through. I need to be strong.
I have no friends to turn to (apart from Rem but she’s a mum now), which is always great as I have no one to let me down. I think I am now ready to pick myself and rebuild my life. I have to. I have nowhere to turn now, and like I’m telling the mental health woman; Jess, this is my last chance at life. If I don’t make it this time I’m gonna do it, and I’ll do it properly this time.
I am not looking for a bloke at this moment in time. It’s me and Zeb going into the world again, I need to find my independence again. And I think I will.
Look at that! Some positivity! I’m not feeling it yet but at least it’s there somewhere.
I’ve got to love myself before I can love.
I’ve got the day off tomorrow. Zeb’s at the groomers for a nail clip and a bath and I think this is the day I will begin running after my bunion operation. Yea, I had that done too! In January last year....mental! Need to screws taking out though.
So i think that’s a full 3 year entry right there. A big one!
