Hayne Steen, MAMFT

As a Marriage and Family counselor, I am passionately focused on helping individuals, couples and families successfully move through whatever dynamic season of challenge they might be experiencing. Counseling from a Christian world view is a process in which the counselor and the client walk together towards the full and meaningful life that God offers. In tandem with my work at Elbow Tree, I also actively serve as the Director of Counseling and Care for The SoulCare Project, a ministry dedicated to providing intentional space for rest and communion with Christ for ministry and marketplace leaders all over the world. My primary goals for therapy are 1) to "reframe" uncomfortable, distressing or perplexing situations into opportunities for healing, growth, change and restoration 2) give some real, doable, practical steps to take and 3) orient people towards a much larger story that is unfolding alongside their own.

[haynesteen]

1435 DAYS - Our Adoption Journey

In less than 1435 days…

I successfully completed four years of high school…

I completed my undergraduate degree in English changing my major 3 times…

I completed my masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy…

I dated, was engaged and eventually married to my wife Ruth Ann…

I lived in 3 cities, worked for 3 different employers and lived in 5 different houses…

I conceived and witnessed the birth of two children…

I completed 4000+ individual client hours in my counseling practice…

My 3 kids will have successfully made the journey from 5th grade in elementary school to their freshman year of high school…

It has taken 1435 days to finalize our daughter’s adoption.

From the day we first met Vanessa on October 4, 2012 to today, September 8, 2016 we have been slowly plotting our course toward the culminating event of appearing before a local judge who will legally proclaim Vanessa Selah Fleurigene Steen our forever daughter. 

When I think back to those early moments when we first fell in love with our daughter Vanessa, I am most grateful to the point of tears for the people who have been cheering us on.

For Maison Orphanage and For His Glory, and all of the nannies whose efforts brought shelter and safety for our sweet Vanessa and so many others in the aftermath of the massive earthquake in 2010.

For Christy Guenther, whose timely Facebook message met us in the exact moment of our need...and your providing us with a deep well of information that we needed for bringing this adoption to closure 

For Tony and Kari Potthoff, whose bold advocacy and sacrificial love for Vanessa preceded our own. You saved her life...and ours. We are forever in debt to you and your sweet family. 

For Shriners Hospital in Lexington, Kentucky for your generous medical care. Your provision has allowed Vanessa to successfully play 3 seasons of soccer, 3 seasons of softball, 1 season of baseball (only girl in the league), 4 seasons of basketball (scoring championship winning basket one year), 2 seasons of track throwing discus and shot put and eagerly preparing to play lacrosse this year. 

For Kelly Chambley, who called us and courageously brokered those first phone calls with Vanessa’s host parents in Arizona. 

For Jessica Fischer who sensed and shared that this beautiful girl might be the one God has set aside for our family. 

For Greg and April Seymour who were adoption pioneers in my mind as they initiated their own adoption process long before we were ready. 

For Eddie and Carly Hilger and so many other amazing couples from Lookout Mountain Presbyterian whose adoption stories left me drenched in tears as you shared your story for a stewardship film I was directing. Your stories answered any questions I might have had. 

For Bethany Christian Services for hosting a dinner for prospective adoptive families where we were able to hear from couples who were already in a process and matched with children. 

For David and Kelsey Burke whose family became a safe place for us to be vulnerable. How can we even capture the length that you have gone to love our kids? Your hospitality provided respite and refuge from a number of storms...and your departure has allowed us to take new risks in friendships. Your absence is felt...but even more than that...your presence remains. 

For Lifeline who willingly entered into the confusion of negotiating the wisest way forward. 

For Abba Fund, Sonscope and Lifespring whose generous and timely grants made a way even possible. 

For our immigration attorney, Christine Poarch, whose wisdom and clarity were critical to moving forward with competence and confidence. 

For our local adoption attorney, Mike Jennings, whose clear head and patience have been such a marvelous gift.

For Janet Jenkins, our adoption social worker from Holsten Homes, whose enthusiasm made all the difference as we negotiated our way through two home study processes together. 

To Victoria Davidson, whose wise counsel and tender care for our children brought well timed wisdom to how to love every child well in such a special sort of transition. Your insight and experience of Haitian culture helped to set our parental hearts at ease. 

For our families both near and far who have consistently taken such beautiful risks to be the kind of siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins that love every member of our family no matter what the circumstance presents. Vanessa is ours and we are hers, forever. 

For my friend and comrade, Russell Courtney whose companionship has been a sustaining force in my life as we enter into hidden and quiet places with people...you have been a safe place for me to be myself and rest in my identity as God’s beloved. You have worn your own belovedness well and have invited my own to come out and play. 

For my friend Tony Souder whose friendship has been a high tower and a safe place for savoring steak and Jesus for all they are worth...you show me what trusting God looks like. 

For our church at Signal Mountain Presbyterian whose affection we are forever indebted…you received our girl with an uncommon generosity and baptized her as a covenant child. You have been the hands and feet of Jesus welcoming in the stranger, with smiles, gentle hugs, curious questions, intentional pursuit, gracious patience, and humor…did I mention humor…her #1 love language. 

For our Saturday night church community…all of you…every single one of you…nd all of your kids…its like a mini United Nations in the pool and on the great lawn as we continue to gather and give thanks for how we are knit together from every tribe, tongue and nation. It’s a beautiful image of the Gospel at large in our midst. The splashing, sliding, standing and sitting around make for such a beautiful space for family to form…for hearts to feel safe…for souls to feel settled. 

To our Ten4 Couples Group, you have been an anchor of encouragement as we have needed a place to be ourselves with people who have known us the longest. You have invited us to come out of hiding and to risk being brutally honest. You have been such a curious bunch...listening and praying for us as we move through wherever season we are in. You have given us yourselves and allowed us plenty of room to wrestle through new opportunities and old ones. 

To my wife, Ruth Ann, whose depth of heart for the hurting leads our family and brings us into places of beauty and brokenness. I like to think that I live out on the edge when in fact, I like to play it safe. You in my life…has been God’s invitation for me to leave the shoreline and swim out into the deep…to leave the known behind and take this risk with you. Who would I be without you in my life…I would be terribly lonely and safe…which is actually not safe at all. I would not know this kind of trust…I would be content hanging out where my toes can touch. And here we are just 1435 days later and we will see this vision become reality. Our daughter will become what we already know her to be…our forever daughter. Every birth has taken its toll on your body and soul…and in this season I am grateful to see that your soul is restoring. Your recovery of self and soul are a lighthouse for me…as I have wandered in darkness and not know the way…you have shown me how to grow more comfortable with learning how to walk in the dark. You have pushed into places of pain and emerged with an even stronger voice and a tenderness that is a gift to our family. When we stood face to face 20 years ago and make our covenant vows, we were so young…so naive…just kids…and yet we have witnessed God’s enduring kindness as we have found a way forward in seasons of uncertainty. And we have not traveled here alone. You took on the primary work of cultivating our community…of being the kind of friend you would want to have…and I am beside myself that I am included in that Hall of Fame level A-list roster of friends. You are mine and I am yours. We are each other’s forever family. 

To Sam, my first child. You my son have demonstrated a willingness to set aside position and make room for your sister to step out in front. Your gentle way with Vanessa makes me so proud of you…to know that she is being treated with such an enduring sense of kindness. Your willingness to share your friends and allow her to find her own way apart from you only echoes your depth of character and servant heart. In the last 1435 days, I have witnessed you settle in as a leader who can lead from behind and among. So many will run for the platform to grab the mic and win an audience…but I witness you lighting your single candle in the midst of darkness and you are light there. Jesus has gripped you with such a sweet and genuine love for people. 

To Sadie, my littlest. You, my love, are my teacher. You have such a sweet heart and it is such a gift to see you using it in so many beautiful ways. I have watched you for 1435 days as you have offered love without requiring a return. You have been yourself, bringing laughter and art and letters and gifts and ideas and stories into our lives in moments when we really needed them. Your depth of soul has been a special treasure that I desire to protect…and seeing you speak up and grow in strength, wisdom and humility has been my greatest delight. In moments of weakness you have taken the risk to pursue being vulnerable…even when you did not necessarily know how or want to. You have been advocate for your own heart which has been a catalyst for caring so much for the hearts of others. 

And finally….To my beautiful Vanessa, whose courage I so desperately envy…whose soul I treasure. I hope you will know you are worth fighting for. I love everything about you and am grateful that I get to be your dad. In the first five minutes of meeting you called me “Daddy.” I know those moments must have been scary ones as you were preparing your own heart to leave yet another familiar place for an unfamiliar place. From the read your story in tears I knew God has gripped my heart as a father…and I have been asking God to continue to shepherd that in me ever since. As I sit and remember all you have been through…from 4 days under the rubble of an earthquake, through 5 major surgeries…I am drawn to your sense of wonder. Since you joined our family you have played 2 seasons of soccer, 4 seasons of basketball (scoring the championship winning shot one year), 3 seasons of softball, 1 season of baseball (as the only girl in the league), and 2 seasons of track and field throwing discus and shot put. I love your hunger to try new things. Just the other day, I loved hearing you describe a situation at school where you stood up for the underdog. Your strength is a gift to all who know you. Your smile and laugh light up a room. Last year you thought we were making some plans to move and I loved what you said to me…”Dad, you can move but I will stay here with Nana and Chach because this is my home.” You don’t even know how my heart leaps when I remember that…have no fear Vanessa…this place is my home too. This place is where we are known…the good, bad and the ugly…which is the only way to be truly known. So, as we drive downtown today, I could not be more glad to be your dad…because I know when you call me “daddy” now…that you are speaking those words from a place of deepening trust. And in moments when you feel afraid, may you rest in the truth that you are a beloved daughter. That is something that will never never change…ever.

1435 is a beautiful number. 

It’s the number of days it took for the world to simply confirm what God had already made evident...you are ours and we are yours. 

May we rest in our adoption as beloved son and daughters. 

“Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.” -The Apostle Paul (Ephesians 1:5 MSG)

[haynesteen]

The skill set of inner work.

There are no shallow people in the world. Every single soul is a deep well. 

Accessing the soul takes some guidance and eventually some skill to get down into the depths of things. Such a dark and scary place, like the soul, can leave many people far too afraid to explore its depths. 

Deep calls to deep    in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers    have swept over me. —Psalm 42:7

The Psalmist invites us to taste the terror of meeting God in the longing of his soul. It is not a safe place. There is risk when you enter the waters of your soul.  

Your soul is like a well. Your skills are like a rope. Not everything is visible from the surface. We all need a rope to help us access the depths of our own well. 

I love what Parker Palmer has to say about our deeper places...

“The deeper our faith, the more doubt we must endure; the deeper our hope, the more prone we are to despair; the deeper our love, the more pain its loss will bring: these are a few of the paradoxes we must hold as human beings. If we refuse to hold them in the hopes of living without doubt, despair, and pain, we also find ourselves living without faith, hope, and love.”

If we can not access the depths of our soul, we need to grow the strength and length of our rope. This will involve developing the necessary relationships and skills for accessing and attending to our soul. 

Growing the Strength Our Rope

The strength of our rope depends on the strength of the relational resources we are able to access and cultivate in the context of healthy community. These strength of our rope is directly tied to the strength of healthy emotional connections.

1. We can learn to be vulnerable and take healthy emotional risks with trusted friends, counselors, and/or spiritual directors. 

One friend shared some wisdom that I have appreciated as it pertains to how we approach expressing vulnerability. “Be generally open with everyone and painfully specific with a few.” As we discover this new found freedom in our own unique healing process, we will begin to discover that not everyone is interested or able to hold the vulnerable things you carry. We don’t need a lot of people to share in painfully specific ways but we do need a few...and a couple of those may need to be trained counselors with specific skills for walking with you in the most vulnerable places of your story. 

2. We can allow another person to “hold space” for us by sitting with us in ways that are meaningful and helpful to our soul’s flourishing. 

“You walk along with them without judgment, sharing their journey to an unknown destination. Yet you’re completely willing to end up wherever they need to go. You give your heart, let go of control, and offer unconditional support.” —Lynn Hauka

We all need someone who can hold space for us. A friend of mine and I call these kinds of men “the safe guy network.” Basically its a way of referring broken men to other men who we know can sit with them in whatever they might be going through. It’s the kind of person who does not have a savior complex but is able to boldly sit with us when the shit is hitting the fan. 

It’s a way of allowing another person to treat us the way were intended to be treated...with dignity, without judgement, with empathy and with compassion. 

3. We can risk sitting in a circle with other fellow strugglers and experience the dignity of our not being alone. 

Time and time again, I hear men share about the power of being together in ways that are so uncommon out in their everyday walking around lives. 

They say things like;

"Group has been a place where I’ve been able to connect vulnerably and authentically with other men."

“This has been a safe place to step out and discover that I’m not alone.”

“I’m learning how to become generally open with everyone and painfully specific with a few.” 

The power of therapeutic process groups lies in the unique opportunity to receive multiple perspectives, support, encouragement and feedback from other individuals in a safe and confidential environment. These interpersonal interactions can provide group members an opportunity to deepen their level of self- awareness and to learn how they relate to others.

4. We can sit with someone who is hurting and offer them the quiet assurance of our gentle presence. 

Offering people our gentle presence cultivates a safe place for taking off masks we may be wearing. When we do not run from pain but we can sit steadfastly in it and earnestly listen, we help restore people to their humanity. In turn, we are also given our humanity back. 

5. We can maintain a healthy boundary with toxic individuals or groups who hinder our soul’s flourishing. 

Knowing who you need and who you do not need are equally important as you pivot toward strengthening your skill set for caring for your soul. Toxic people do not honor boundaries, both spoken and unspoken. 

My brother in law gave me some great advice a couple years ago. “You have to teach people how to treat you.” Those words mirrored what my own therapist shared with me several years ago as I was launching into private practice. “Hayne, no one will honor your time more than you.” 

God’s number one priority is that we love him with all of heart, mind, SOUL and strength. If our soul is a well, then we will want to protect its contents. “Above all else guard the [soul] for it is a wellspring of life.” 

If there are toxic people who poison your soul, it may be time to explore some healthy boundaries with them. 

Growing the Length of Our Rope

The length of the rope has more to do with the skills we can develop for navigating the depths of our soul. 

1. We can learn to name and honor our emotions. 

The first work man was given in the Genesis narrative was to name all of the wild beasts. What an overwhelming task to name things we had never experienced before! Naming the animals brought about a sense of order into the chaos into which we were first formed. Even today, we continue on in our necessary task of naming all of the wild beasts...in our case, naming and honoring our emotions. 

Imagine adopting the posture of a generous landlord who oversees your emotional life. There are 8 tenants who live within us called core emotions; anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, hurt, guilt, shame and gladness. When they knock on our door, and they will, we can learn the skill of treating them with hospitality. Were we to run them off and refuse to listen, they will most likely mistreat the dwelling, leaving it trashed. Eventually we will have to deal with them because of the mess they make due to neglect.

If we will offer these 8 tenants genuine hospitality, then when they knock we can invite them in for a cup of coffee. Generally out feelings are coming as messengers. When we honor their commitment to us, we can discern better how to live well. When we honor our emotions and offer them room to be heard, they will develop a sense of ownership and treat the dwelling with greater sense of care. 

2. We can give ourselves permission to rest. 

Productivity and outcomes often can drive us into break neck unsustainable rhythms that inevitably lead us into significant break down. 

Sabbath rest is a critical ingredient for rehabilitating our tendency to remain stuck as a human doing. Taking a holy pause invites us back into the fullness of being human. 

Taking our hands off the plow opens us up to the opportunity for play, adventure, savoring, lingering and listening. Extended times of retreat offer us the ability to lower our rope into places of our soul that we’ve been neglecting.

3. We can learn how to work through disappointments and disillusionments. (hat tip to Stephen W. Smith) 

Expectations are a prescription for resentment. Many people carry resentment around and it leaks all over everything like melted chocolate in a hot mini van. 

The root is some form of hurt which takes courage to admit and even more to address. Unless we work through our disappointment and disillusionments, we will inevitably smear them all over the other contents of our life. 

4. We can seek out avenues for processing trauma, grief and loss.

One of the most common features among people who seek out counseling is unattended heartache. It comes in all shapes and sizes. 

Everyday we log hundreds of losses. Over a lifetime, we will experience thousands of micro-losses. All of those can add up to something in the form of trauma.

Sometimes we experience the most hellish forms of trauma. Our bodies hold onto the information gathered in these traumatic events. Without a way to be reprocessed, they will haunt us for a lifetime anytime we are in a situation that sounds like, smells like, looks like, feels like any nuanced part of the traumatic event. 

When seeking out a counselor to walk with you in trauma, find someone who is qualified and trained specifically to enter into trauma in the most gentle and ethical manner. 

5. We can learn to breathe and regulate our heart rate. 

“Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” —Genesis 2:7

On a retreat recently, one of our facilitators was teaching a few of us how to breathe. She shared that, “Most people don’t actually breathe, they pant.” 

For the next couple hours she worked with a friend of mine and re-taught him how to breathe. Our breathing is essential to the rest of our body. If we are panting then our heart rates are up. 

If our heart rates are up even just 10% above our normal resting heart rate, then we will not be able to thoughtfully enter into the work of soul care. Our brain literally can not make that leap.

Breathing opens us up to slowing down, paying attention, letting go of tension and opening ourselves up to a more soulful experience of ourselves, others and God...and we become a living being...AGAIN. 

[haynesteen]

Not having a black, muslim or gay neighbor does not somehow let me off the hook.

I live in a community that is milky white. This is where my wife grew up. It’s where her parents have lived for 40 years. It’s where our children call home and are each known by name in any store, restaurant, park, sports league, school, or church. It’s where my wife and I were married. It’s where all 3 of our children were baptized. We have lived in the same home for 12 years and we have no plans of ever moving. The door frames to the entrance of our pantry contains the growth marks of each of our children as they have grown through the years. Our adopted daughter told me recently that if we ever moved that she was going to move in with her grandparents because this place is her home. 

Other than our adopted daughter, who was born in Haiti, there is not one other person of color on our street. 

For several years my wife has been courageously advocating for some of the most vulnerable families in our city. In over 20 years of our working side by side with teenagers and their families, there has been no more strenuous work than this. It requires you to check your assumptions at the door and open yourself up to new kinds of friendship. 

Cultivating authentic and trusting relationships with urban teen mothers has most definitely expanded our definition of who our neighbors are. These special ladies are not a sideline charity for our family. They are not a service project. They are real people whose tattered stories now intermingle with our own tattered stories. 

Not having a black, muslim or gay neighbor does not somehow let me off the hook.

I am embarrassed to admit that, without my wife, I might never have risked knowing Punkin, Brittany, Cookie or Asia. Our kids might never have known the joy of befriending their children and now watching them all grow from tiny little infants into these beautiful and busy little people. They know them all by name. They pray for them at night like they do all of their own younger cousins. We tell funny stories about them around our dinner table...heck, we have eaten with them often around our dinner table. All of them have even lived with us for a short window of time as they transition into homes of their own. Ruth Ann has been in the birthing room for most of their pregnancies. She is known as “aunt Ruth Ann.” Like I said, she is the real pioneer. Not me.

Our neighborhood has expanded to include zip codes many of our white friends avoid. 

This just happens to be where our friends live. So that is why we go there. To not go now would be a betrayal of trusted friendship. My wife has been so creative in finding ways to connect with other women who are not like her. She has broken the stereotype that forms at most middle school lunch tables that subtly states, “sit with your own kind.” She rocks the boat. And she pushes through the discomfort and invites us along. Our zip code has not changed but our neighborhood now includes streets marked by trauma and violence. Our neighborhood has also stretched into places marked by beauty and potential. 

Fearless love makes you cross the boarder. 

One of my favorite songs is a manifesto for expanding my vision for loving my neighbor, regardless of their race, regardless of their sexual orientation or socioeconomic status. It was written nearly 20 years ago and is a revolutionary tune today for the times in which we now find ourselves. 

I long to become more fearless as I relate to my neighbor. So here are some fresh questions I am sitting with as I move forward in this season of life;

What societal rules will I need to break in order to cultivate lasting authentic friendships with my LGBT, black and muslim neighbors? 

Who might I need to apologize to for not advocating for them in their vulnerable experience as LGBT, black or muslim?

How have fear and people pleasing contributed to my own passivity when it comes to advocating for my neighbor? 

What in me might trigger fear in my neighbor and potentially sabotage the possibility of relationship? 

Jesus was a renegade whose life is marked by fearless love. May we be as brave to listen well and love deeply. 

FEARLESS LOVE 

Fearless love, fearless love Fearless love makes you cross the border At your church they asked for volunteers To make a presence in the park That's where the wicked planned to demonstrate And carry signs to set a spark Someone behind you heaved a stone That struck the thin man behind his ear So now there's blood upon his sign Which read, "There's nothing here to fear" "The wrath of God," somebody yelled "Will punish all of those like him But if you travel back 2000 years I swear you'd hear this all again" Back then they'd say "These soldiers walk on sacred ground This land's our history and our home They have no right to be around They are the evil force of Rome" So just how strong this change of heart must be That one that Jesus once described Kindness to your enemy Carry his pack an extra mile When fearless love, fearless love Fearless love makes you cross the border Your mind snaps back to where you stand Your church is here to fight a cause And at your feet a fallen man Whose head is cradled in his arms Though his blood contains his death And though the lines are drawn in hate You drop your sign of Bible verse And help the wounded stand up straight When fearless love, fearless love Fearless love makes you cross the border Oh yes, the high religious still will scorn Just like they did all that time back They'll say, you helped the other side They saw you haul that soldier's pack But now how could you carry that man's sign? In your heart the choice was clear You didn't join the other side The battle lines just disappeared When fearless love, fearless love Fearless love makes you cross the border

[haynesteen]

Ubuntu - An invitation into fullest humanity

One of the greatest gifts we can offer one another is permission to be fully human.

Permission to be fully human is simply permission to let our guard down, to allow another person to enter into the mess with us, to risk allowing someone to feel with us.

This is probably why I am such a fan of the work of counseling and spiritual direction. Both are deeply committed to coming around an individual to restore someone to their truest nature.

Unfortunately, many people may never have an opportunity to experience this kind of full living. Why? I suspect that a toxic form of shame gets in the way.

There are two kinds of shame;

(1) Healthy shame reminds us that we are human. We need to feel this. It is a much needed reminder that we are not God. It is lets us know that we are finite and possess the ability to make mistakes. Healthy shame allows us to feel guilt and therefore seek out forgiveness. Heathy shame equips us to cultivate community around us and to ask for help.

(2) Toxic shame, on the other hand, seeks to rob us of our humanity and the healing influences that we all need. It reinforces lies about who you really are. Not that you MADE a mistake, but that you ARE a mistake. Toxic shame drives us into deeper isolation. Toxic shame can leave us desperately lonely.

"In a world that screams negativity about dependency and glorifies self-sufficiency, loneliness is the feeling that we work hardest to avoid. The irony is that the more we work to avoid it, the more it occurs. And the more we work to hide it, the more we miss out on life." -Chip Dodd

There is another way...it's called "Ubuntu".

"In certain regions of South Africa, when someone does something wrong, he is taken to the center of the village and surrounded by his tribe for two days while they speak of all the good he has done. They believe each person is good, yet sometimes we make mistakes, which is really a cry for help. They unite in this ritual to encourage the person to reconnect with his true nature. The belief is that unity and affirmation have more power to change behavior than shame and punishment. This is known as Ubuntu - humanity towards one another." -Unknown

It occurs to me, even now, Jesus is God's dynamic expression of Ubuntu to a hurting world. Jesus, in his fullest humanity, shows us the way to our own fullest humanity. His invitation? "Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it (Matthew 11:28 MSG)." Jesus came to show us how to be fully human while living in such a tragic place. He restores us into our truest identity, "beloved".

As ubuntu restores us to our truest identity, it also restores us to one another. Everyone needs a healing community. Ultimately, it restores us to the Source of all love, all mercy, all hope, and all wisdom. Now and forever more.

What if we could begin to adopt this ancient communal practice of restoring one another into wholeness?

This communal expression of restoration seems one of the purposes of family and friendship and faith as I am understanding them. We need a healing community around us to remind us who we are. On many occasions, Jesus invites raw and unfiltered feedback from his closest friends. It's as if he invites his own community to practice Ubuntu with him, to speak to the essential nature of his truest identity. Jesus is not just exporting his humanity. He opens himself up to receive it as well.

"Who do people say that I am?" (Matthew 16:13)

"Who do you say that I am?"  (Matthew 16:15)

"Why are you looking for me?" (Luke 2:49)

"Why are you trying to kill me?" (John 7:19)

"Have I been with you so long and still you do not know me? (John 14:9)

"Do you love me?" (John 21:16)

This image of Ubuntu may be why I have loved the familiar beach scene where Jesus gathers his disciples for breakfast after a handful of major failures on their part. We are familiar with the last supper. This is the last breakfast. This is the last time Jesus will be with them in this way and on this particular morning, Jesus zeroes in on his dear friend Peter. Of all the things Jesus could do with these last few moments together, Jesus offers Peter something akin to Ubuntu. Jesus gathers his closest friends around a meal to offer Peter his full humanity back.

This is how I imagine the flow of that morning...

Little does Peter know that Jesus has gathered them for a meal with Ubuntu on his mind. Jesus has a fire blazing. Fish are already sizzling. The necessary space has been made for being together. One by one, the disciples gather in a circle around that fire, around a delicious meal, and more specifically they gather around Jesus and Peter.

When the time is right, Jesus breaks the silence...

Jesus: Peter, do you love me? (3x)

Peter: Yes, Lord, you know I do. (3x)

Jesus: Then practice Ubuntu. (i.e. feed my lambs, feed my sheep) (3x)

Jesus asks Peter the question three times, inviting Peter into this rhythm of Ubuntu. We don't just restore one another once. We offer it over and over and over again. We receive it over and over and over again.

"One African proverb states, “Ubuntu ungamuntu ngabanye abantu.” People are people through other people. In other words we need each other to be fully human and alive. It is in our interaction with others that our humanness flourishes. Our humanness at its core is good and positive, and through discovering this in ourselves we act in a way that reflects these truths." -John Kehoe

We know that after Jesus was crucified, the disciples made the decision to gather in a home and essentially commit themselves to a season of Ubuntu marked by sharing meals, listening for God, and remembering who they are. Those were moments marked by learning to rest in their truest identity. Out of that, thousands were drawn in.

People who rest in their truest identity are among the most attractive people on the planet. They are the ones who orient their lives around cultivating healing communities. It is no wonder that we are captivated by individuals who embody Ubuntu.

"Nelson Mandela is the embodiment of Ubuntu and has spoken of it often, though the term, not familiar to western ears, has gone unnoticed. He dedicated himself to the cause of his people and never stopped struggling to free the South African blacks from Apartheid. In 1993, after serving twenty-seven years in prison, he was released, and within a year was the first black President of South Africa. There was no bitterness or resentment from his years in prison, only wisdom, patience and compassion. No other leader could have unified the new country. He is an iconic figure and will be remembered, respected and admired not only by us and our children, but by our children’s children. Such is his legacy."  -John Kehoe

Nelson Mandela rescued a nation from its collective shame by lifting up a call to practicing Ubuntu. Jesus continues to rescue a world from its collective shame by lifting us into a relationship with the God of our truest identity.

Questions for further consideration:

1. How might you (in the internal tribe of who your are - i.e. parts/much-ness/many-ness) explore offering Ubuntu to yourself?

2. How might you cultivate a community of others around you who are committed to offering one another Ubuntu?

3. Who might be hardest for you to offer Ubuntu? Sit with this for a few minutes. What emotions surface?

4. When have you experienced subtle hints of Ubuntu with friends, family, or God? What did/does that feel like or stir up in you?

5. When you imagine a rhythm of Ubuntu being more present in your life, what is different about you? What is different about your community?

[haynesteen]

Our Souls Matter

“What is running your life...is your soul. Not external circumstances, not your thoughts, not your intentions, not even your feelings.” -Dallas Willard

Just one week ago I was gathered with over 2000 professional counselors in Colorado Springs for a two day conference through the theme of “Restoration of the Heart”. The lion’s share of teaching and processing was specifically related to “care of the soul”. John Eldridge drove home a simple point that, "taking soul care seriously is the most important thing we can do."

Our work at The SoulCare Project is dedicated to this. We love to link arms with other likeminded men and women whose lives echo this enduring commitment to soul care. 

Voices throughout the ages have faithfully reminded us that our souls matter. 

“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” —C.S. Lewis

“When soul is neglected, it doesn't just go away; it appears symptomatically in obsessions, addictions, violence, and loss of meaning.” ―Thomas Moore

“One thing in the world, of value, is the active soul.”  —Ralph Waldo Emerson

“The human soul hungers for transformation, for wholeness and holiness, is sick and dying without it.” —Dallas Willard

THE SOUL OF A NATION

Nations do not have a soul. But the people who inhabit those nations most certainly do. And if this round of presidential candidates is any litmus test for the state of our souls as those who make up this great nation, then we may be collectively deeply sick of soul. 

“Nothing brings out the lower traits of human nature like office seeking."     —Rutherford Birchard Hayes 

The state of American politics right now, while deeply frightening and upsetting, only emboldens the need for this most important and often hidden work - the slow and deliberate investment of care for the souls of highly leveraged leaders. 

SOUL SICKNESS - HURT, HATE AND HOPELESSNESS

The protocol for American politics seems to require repeatedly attacking the core of your opponent in an effort to smear and undermine their image. Lately we are witnessing even more disturbing attacks on the image of anyone who opposes a candidate, to the point of inciting violence. 

When the soul is sick, it leaves a wake of hurt, hate, and hopelessness. Just like the book title declares, “Hurt People Hurt People.” Here is a fantastic blog worth referencing that outlines 14 reasons hurting people hurt people. 

Hurt people often transfer their inner anger onto others.

Hurt people interpret every word spoken to them through the prism of their pain.

Hurt people interpret every action through the prism of their pain.

Hurt people often portray themselves as victims and carry a “victim spirit”.

Hurt people often alienate others and wonder why no one is there for them.

Hurt people have the emotional maturity of the age they received their (un-dealt with) hurt.

Hurt people are often frustrated and depressed because past pain continually spills over into their present consciousness.

Hurt people often erupt with inappropriate emotion because particular words, actions, or circumstances “touch” and “trigger” past woundedness.

Hurt people often occupy themselves with busyness, work, performance, and/or accomplishments as a way of compensating for low self-esteem.

Hurt people often attempt to medicate themselves with excessive entertainment, drugs, alcohol, pornography, sexual relationships, or hobbies as a way to forget their pain and run from reality.

Hurt people have learned to accommodate their private “false self” or “dark side” which causes them to be duplicitous and lack integrity.

Hurt people are often self-absorbed with their own pain and are unaware that they are hurting other people.

Hurt people are susceptible to demonic deception.

God often purposely surfaces pain so hurt people can face reality.

Hurt people need to forgive to be released and restored to freedom.

Is there a Presidential candidate that comes to mind as you read through this list? I wonder what our country and world would be like if leaders we are following and forming possessed a well care for soul. 

8 GIFTS OF A WELL CARED FOR SOUL

When the soul is well cared for, it leaves a much different kind of wake...a wake of gifts.  

“But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.” Galatians 5:22-23 (MSG)

Affection for others 

Exuberance about life 

Serenity 

Willingness to stick with things

Compassion in the heart

Loyal commitments

Not needing to force our way

Ability to marshal energies wisely

As you begin to bring your own soul underneath the benevolent care of God, may you find the many nations within you responding with a renewed sense of healing and hope. May the influence of your own well cared for soul leave a similar wake of blessing in a sea of deeply disturbed and desperate souls. Lastly, may the “8 Gifts” be a new kind of litmus test for any leader you might consider following or electing. 

Blog reference: ”Why Hurting People Hurt People” by Joseph Mattera 

[haynesteen]

HOLDING ONTO HOPE

"Optimism and hope are radically different attitudes. Optimism is the expectation that things---the weather, human relationship, the economy, the political situation, and so on---will get better. Hope is trust that God will fulfil God’s promises to us in a way that leads us to true freedom.  The optimist speaks about concrete changes in the future. The person of hope lives in the moment with the knowledge and trust that all of life is in good hands. All the great spiritual leaders in history were people of hope. Abraham, Moses, Ruth, Mary, Jesus, Rumi, Gandhi, and Dorothy Day all lived with a promise in their hearts that guided them toward the future without the need to know exactly what it would look like. Let’s live with hope." -Henri Nouwen, Bread for the Journey (1997)

Over the Christmas holiday our family spent some wonderfully long days in PJ's watching some of our favorite classic movies. Through all of the hilarity and laughter, I noticed a consistent theme in each one. There was always some person, group or situation that seemed destined or determined to ruin Christmas. AND in every storyline there seemed to be at least one primary character who is faithfully hanging on to hope.

In Christmas Vacation, Clark Griswold overcomes his odd and arrogant neighbors, a houseful of ungrateful and critical family members and a greedy boss holding out on his Christmas bonus .

In Home Alone I and II, Kevin's parents forget him both at home or at the airport and he is left to fend for himself against the "sticky bandits" and the "wet bandits."

In Elf, Buddy is faced with the traumatic news that he in fact is not a real elf. So heads off to the big city to find his dad, who so happens to be on the "naughty list" for being so mean and cruel. No one but Buddy seems to really believe that they can recover the Christmas spirit in order to power Santa's sleigh. 

In A Christmas Story, Ralphie is committed to the idea of getting that beloved Red Rider BB Gun. He overcomes negative feedback from teachers and even his own parents who all said, "You'll shoot your eye out!" 

In It's a Wonderful Life, George Bailey is faced with his own death and gets a troubling glimpse of what the world would be like if he had never existed. Just when all seems lost, his family and his community all rally around him with an outpouring of love. Hope is restored.

Christmas is the "season of hope"...right? As soon as the season begins, it seems it is already ending. Let's take a closer look.  By the time you read this;

Christmas cards will be have been designed, mailed, received and (dare we say) thrown away.

Christmas trees will have delivered, dawned, decorated, dismantled and possibly destroyed. 

Gifts will have been purchased, wrapped, unwrapped, enjoyed, returned or re-gifted.

Families will have traveled, gathered, eaten and returned home. 

Holiday decor will have been pulled down out of the attic, placed throughout the home, taken down, and returned to the attic.

New Year's resolutions will have been pondered, recorded and possibly already broken. 

What is it about the Christmas and New Year's holidays that create both the sweetest of memories while simultaneously triggering many of those sick and sore spots within us and in those relationships that matter the most to us?  When we place our trust in a season, a holiday, a tradition, or even another person we always bring a host of both healthy and unhealthy expectations that are bound to go unmet. None of these can satisfy what our hearts long for. We all long for a fresh start with a clean slate. Many hope the New Year will produce the inspiration for change that seems unlikely or out of range. Our Hope, however, is not found in any holiday or gift apart from the One who was born wrapped in a 1st century manger just over 2000 years ago. Jesus is not just "holding onto hope." He is, in fact, the very Hope of the world. When we are holding onto Him, we ARE holding onto Hope. In all and through all.  May your New Year be marked by Hope. 

[haynesteen]

Isaiah 43: 2-4 (MSG)

When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.     When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place,     it won’t be a dead end— Because I am God, your personal God,     The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you:     all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That’s how much you mean to me!     That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,     trade the creation just for you.

[haynesteen]

TRANSITION - Navigating Life in Between

The very things we now wish that we could hold onto and keep safe from change were themselves originally produced by changes. And many of those changes, in their day, looked just as daunting as any in the present do. No matter how solid and comfortable and necessary the status quo feels today, it was once new, untried and uncomfortable."                        ~William Bridges, author of The Way of Transition   

This summer, more than any I can remember, is one of significant transition for our family. It has definitely been a season of "living in between." Two of our children will enter middle school for the first time. Our dearest friends are moving to California. Our church is walking through a pastoral transition as our beloved pastor (and dear friend) retires after serving our congregation for 25 years and two of our associates (both dear friends) accept exciting new calls to serve new churches as senior ministers. There are a host of other more personal transitions that I could describe but needless to say, I feel like I am grieving many losses and at the same time celebrating newness of life. In transitions, I feel so...in between. Recently, I was watching the film Toy Story 2 with my kids and there is this one random scene that just seemed to really capture what "in between" looks like. Zig Zag (or Slink) the Dog walks casually into a room and his head shows up first. After about a ten seconds delay, his tail end walks into the room behind him. Part of Zig Zag has arrived and part of him is still in transit.  When my friend Jim Branch enters into a group, he'll say, "I'll be here in a minute." He's referring to the fact that his head and body are in the room but his heart will soon catch up.  Daily we are all thrust into many unique and familiar transitions. It just takes some time for our hearts to catch up to our bodies. We underestimate the impact these transitions will have on us. In any transition, it is totally normal to have your head in the game but not your heart. You may be heading into something absolutely wonderful already celebrating the adventure ahead...and that is wonderful. Validate your heart and you will be more equipped to arrive fully. Neglect your heart and you may never fully arrive. Pay close attention to your heart and give yourself permission to make the transition with your whole heart. Feel glad for the new adventure ahead but give yourself permission to tune into any sadness, anger, fear, loneliness, hurt, guilt or shame as they surface. Sadness and anger are normal experiences. So is feeling numb for a while. Many people experience all three feelings on both sides of the transition. There is no one "right way" to navigate transition as long as you have someone to process how you are really feeling as you negotiate your way through the messiness of it. My own story is one marked by transition. In my childhood from 6th-12th grade, I attended six different school in seven years. My father, a decorated career Naval aviator, was deployed over 3000 nights before I turned 12 (that's 8.5 years). That's a lot of coming and going. The last ten years of my life have been marked by "learning how to remain" and "allowing my roots to grow deep." In a transition season in 2004, I asked some close friends to speak into my life in some specific ways. My friend Brad wrote me saying, "Hayne, I am praying that you will allow your roots to grow deep on Signal Mountain and that you would see any new and shiny opportunity that would pull you from that community as a big fat distraction." Moving, for me, has been one way of minimizing relational or professional risk. If I moved, then I could step away before being asked to leave. Remaining, I am also learning, is more difficult than I imagined but has been one of the most substantial gifts I could ever give myself. Leaving and remaining are both marked by opportunities to take healthy risks and navigate transition in healthy ways.  I am learning how to navigate transition in a new way all over again. As our dear friends pack up their life and prepare for a cross country move, our hearts are gripped by the transition that is already occurring before our very eyes. While we have known for months, our hearts have needed time to absorb the loss. As a child, I learned how to microwave friendship as we moved so much. Thankfully my life has been marked by enduring deep spirited friendships. Still, I am grateful even now for images like "Slink the Dog" who remind me on a daily basis that I am a creature who is marked by transition. It will take my heart a while to fully grip the reality that our friends are longer just moments away. Their move is forcing us to trust God and one another in some beautiful but painful new ways. So, why does it hurt so much?  This world is in fact not my home. This life is one that is lived in the ongoing awareness of being "in between" but the beauty is that I am not alone in the transition. God has given me Himself and many dear friends, some who even move far away, to love and be loved by. And as I grieve and celebrate my way through these recent transitions, God is comfortable to allow me the space to make that journey without pressure or shame. He never said we would not feel pain. This afternoon I enjoyed a steak with a friend whose mother is dying. He tenderly shared about what some of his final moments with his mom have been like. The themes of those moments are are all steeped in transition. She is a woman whose time on earth is concluding and is sensing the Lord inviting her into His rest...for the first time possibly. Life and death seem to facilitate a more sober embrace of these beautiful truths. When someone dies, we are far more generous to those who grieve. We give them space as they live "in between." Even still it is not uncommon for some people to want to rush the grieving process along and ignore their heart's need to slow down and sit still with the loss. The truth is, the heart will not be denied the opportunity to feel. If it is not given permission, it will come out in some even more painful and broken ways.  What brings people into counseling often is not what keeps them there.Initially some pain, fear or loss usually cues up a first appointment. Eventually, many people come to view the work of counseling as a critical dimension to being a healthy person. Instead of utilizing counseling as a crisis response they begin to anticipate transitions by inviting a familiar and objective voice they have come to trust. In Christian Counseling, we also serve as a curious spiritual guide who demonstrates a dimension of warmth and empathy that can facilitate heathy transition. 

Feel free to contact me at [email protected] or 423.517.7070 if you would like set up a time to process any aspect of this article. Feel free to check out our counseling practice online as well at Elbow Tree Christian Counseling.   

  BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS FOR MAKING SENSE OF TRANSITIONS:

The Way of Transition: Embracing Life's Most Difficult Moments by William Bridges The Perfect Loss - A Different Kind of Happiness by Chip Dodd A Grace Disguised - How the Soul Grows Through Loss by Jerry Sittser Where is God When It Hurts by Phillip Yancey Good Grief by Ganger Westberg Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan A Letter of Consolation by Henri Nouwen  

FILM RECOMMENDATION FOR MAKING SENSE OF TRANSITIONS: Ed's Story When doctors told Ed Dobson that he only had two to five years left to live, at first he lost hope. But thanks to friends and family, he soon found himself on a path filled with new discoveries, fresh insights into his faith and the revelation that truly, "it ain't over till it's over." Ten years later, Ed still lives to tell his story. His touching words of wisdom will inspire you to seize the day - and make the most of every moment you still have left.  Watch the first of Ed's seven films HERE. 

[haynesteen]

THE TALK - Navigating A Critical Conversation

Recently several of our closest friends have initiated some very important conversations about sex with their pre-adolescent and adolescent children. Some of the stories are absolutely hilarious in their pure innocence and sheer honesty. One mother found her son's journal wide open on his bed with a cartoon the son had drawn depicting he and his father having the first of what I suspect will be an ongoing conversations about sex. Two stick figures standing face to face with their own thought bubbles. The larger stick figure (aka the dad) is depicted saying, "SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX," in his speech bubble. The smaller stick figure (aka that son) is then depicted with his own thought bubble of unspoken thoughts screaming, "Dear God, make it stop!" 

There is a certain hesitancy among parents to have this increasingly important unfolding conversation about sexuality. One of the questions I hear so many men ask one another is, "So, when did you and your dad have "The Talk." Many men seem to increasingly admit that "The Talk" came way too late. They report having already been exposed to sex through their own poorly informed network of friends in the neighborhood or at school.

Some men even report never having had "The Talk" with their dads and as a result were left to fend for themselves in that area like sexual orphans. They just roamed off through this forrest alone with misinformation and no real sense of understanding about this gift we have been given. I suspect that if people were given the open space to be honest, they might express the shame of navigating that time of their life all alone not feeling like they could really sit down and have a shame free conversation about sex, pornography, attraction, curiosity, desire or regret.  

There is no denying it. We are sexual creatures made for relational connection and intimacy within the context of a loving marriage in which we are able to pursue and experience a oneness that simply can not be replicated outside of that context. This truth is widely omitted and never naturally emerges for our children in the manner that the culture teaches our children about it. Never more than now should we be creatively engaging our children around these important conversations.

This morning after church a friend approached me to ask about my awareness of any helpful resources for parents that specifically address talking to your sons about sex. He verbalized his concern over a shift that has occurred in youth culture catching many parents off guard where so many of the girls are initiating a sexual dialogue with boys. As the parent myself of an eleven year old girl, a ten year old son and an eight year old daughter I am so grateful for his honest and direct question because it's one that is definitely on my mind, as I am certain it is for many other parents of pre-adolescent and adolescent children. 

Here is a link that I send him that directly addresses his specific question. 

So, I thought I would take a couple minutes to share some of the resources I have been gathering. But first here are a couple of guidelines as we begin to have these conversations with our kids. For the last 20 years I have had a first row seat in "How Not to Talk to Your Kids About Sex." The following will hopefully guide us with 

1. Acknowledge the awkwardness. 

There is just no way to avoid the fact that you will be entering into a conversation that has the potential to feel very one sided and awkward. Make room for that in the way you approach it. Even say it out loud to them and honor those feelings. That can be very disarming. 

2. Begin by asking thoughtful open ended questions. 

There is nothing better than a really great well timed question. There are lots of resources around that can help, but this text should really help you have an age appropriate conversation. 

3. Choose a location where you will not be interrupted. 

Going for a walk together or a long drive in the car can be a great way to begin as it creates space to be together without the pressure of maintaining eye contact. It puts you in a posture of walking with them side by side. This can take a lot of the pressure off getting the conversation started. 

4. Dialogue is the goal but do not force it. 

The best learning takes place in a shame free environment. Prepare yourself to create space like this for your own child as you engage them in a dialogue around sexuality. Focus on the Family has some great things to offer in this blog focused on "Talking About Sex and Puberty."

5. Engage the topic creatively and often. 

You may be even wondering when to initiate the conversation. Here is some help as you navigate that dynamic in your own family. 

6. Free yourself up from the pressure of a perfect performance. 

As you prepare for this with your own children, consider taking some time to navigate your own sexual story. Focus on the Family offers some wonderful wisdom for us in this blog as those seeking to help our children navigate sexuality in a healthy manner. 

7. Give your child the freedom to ask very specific questions. 

I love what Mayo Clinic says about this. Kids need to know that we are not simply lecturing them but authentically inviting them into a conversation where they have permission to ask any question without worry of being laughed at or critiqued for the simplicity of their questioning and clarifying. 

BOOKS RECOMMENDATIONS FOR TALKING WITH CHILDREN:

Talking to Your Kids About Sex: How to Have a Lifetime of Age Appropriate Conversations With Your Children About Healthy Sexuality by Mark Laaser

Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality by Jim Burns

Aggressive Girls, Clueless Boys by Dennis Rainey

God's Design for Sex by Stan and Brenna Jones

  RESOURCES FOR PROCESSING YOUR OWN ADULT SEXUAL STORY:

Building Intimate Marriages with Mike Systma

A Celebration of Sex by Doug Rosenau

Surfing for God by Michael Cusick

To Be Told by Dan Allender

Feel free to contact me at [email protected] or 423.517.7070 if you would like set up a time to process any aspect of this blog entry. Feel free to check out our counseling practice online as well at Elbow Tree Christian Counseling. 

[haynesteen]

RESURRECTION PRINCIPLE

by Hayne Steen, MAMFT

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss in life is what dies inside of us while we live. (Norman Cousins)."

Death is a reality that we are well acquainted with. The truth is that we spend billions as a culture attempting to deny its reality. The anti-aging industry is an 88 billion dollar industry alone (Chicago Tribune, 2010). "Arlene Weintraub, a former senior health writer at Bloomberg Businessweek, explores the subject in her new book, "Selling the Fountain of Youth: How the Anti-Aging Industry Made a Disease Out of Getting Old — and Made Billions."

We do not like death. But we absolutely love resurrection. Reality television has picked up the anti-aging baton and carried it exhaustively into several arenas. "Extreme Makeovers" have ruled the airwaves and have crushed the ratings game for nearly a decade. Different versions of this same idea continue to emerge shining light on massive weight loss tocleaning up the home of a loved one who hoards tobrand new homes built where a trash heap once stood. Regardless of the niche focus, we are infatuated with this idea of "resurrection." We love to see something that was lost be recovered. This, in many broken and beautiful ways, all points to something called "the resurrection principle." Not everything that is dead stays that way forever.  Can new life can spring up through the ashes of death and decay? Yes, but how?

"Some skeptic is sure to ask, “Show me how resurrection works. Give me a diagram; draw me a picture. What does this ‘resurrection body’ look like?” If you look at this question closely, you realize how absurd it is. There are no diagrams for this kind of thing. We do have a parallel experience in gardening. You plant a “dead” seed; soon there is a flourishing plant. There is no visual likeness between seed and plant. You could never guess what a tomato would look like by looking at a tomato seed. What we plant in the soil and what grows out of it don’t look anything alike. The dead body that we bury in the ground and the resurrection body that comes from it will be dramatically different." (1 Corinthians 15:35-58, The Message)

Our counseling office is actually located in a building that reflects this same "resurrection principle." "At the time of the founding of the Southern Saddlery company, and for many years thereafter, transportation and agriculture were dependent on the horse or mule. Southern Saddlery was ready to meet the demand, with hand-crafted saddles, collars, and other riding equipment. When automobiles became available, the company supplied leather fan belts. When the Great Depression caused families to be unable to afford the purchase or upkeep of cars, some returned to the horse or mule, and Southern maintained a steady business in saddles. (The Chattanoogan)." The space was eventually just used for storage for an extended season and then it went up on the auction block. Years later it was purchased, renovated and 7 years ago we established a counseling practice in this space which by design continues to serve as an invitation (to ourselves and our clients) to engage on daily basis in this "resurrection principle." There are things inside every person that run the risk of dying. The distressful things that bring us into counseling are often the very same experiences that can launch us into our own experience of resurrection. Admitting that something is dying or has died is a vulnerable place to be. But vulnerability is the birthplace of change, innovation and transformation...and resurrection. Whether we are describing an abandoned building, an old home, a struggling marriage, messy personal finances, or a broken friendship or business partnership - these are all opportunities for seeing the resurrection principle at work. 

We have celebrated more than a "principle of resurrection" this weekend. Rather we have worshipped the Author of it. It is more than just a phenomenon. God has woven resurrection into the very tapestry of His unfolding story we are apart of. On Friday, death. By Sunday, life. My hope is that you would sense this Easter Hope welling up within you. That you would know you were not meant for ashes but for rising up through it. 

Here's the bottom line. You are God's beloved. He longs for you to know how dearly loved you are. Yes, you are worth dying for. But even more...you are worth coming back for. Like Brennan manning says, "He is crazy about you and longs to hear the sound of your voice and be in your company." You are not alone. God. Is. Alive.

"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!" (Romans 8:15, The Message)

[simplyorthodox]

"Do not worry about your life..."

Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?

- Matthew 6:24-25

[haynesteen]

Life in communion with God sustains life in community with others and within myself.

[haynesteen]

SECRET SAUCE

SECRET SAUCE

What is your favorite “Secret Sauce” from any restaurant? You know what I am talking about? Whether you are eating with friends at PF Chang’s when your waiter appears and makes their own special blend of a spicy/hot/zesty sauce for your meal or you are sitting in the drive through line at your local Chik-Fil-A ordering a #1 Chicken sandwich meal with an extra large sweet tea. We are all very aware that it’s the secret sauce that keeps us coming back for more. There is even a web site dedicated to helping us to replicate the secret sauce from our favorite dives. [Click Here for Secret Sauces]  

What is the secret sauce in your marriage? In your family/ If you were to poll the folks in your ministry and ask them what keeps them coming back, what might they say? That would be such a fun and risky experiment. We might risk finding out that our secret sauce is not all so secret after all.

So what would YOU say it is? Small groups? Worship? Incredible teaching? Missions? Outreach events? Media and technology? Lights and sound? Relevance? 

The list could be endless. Any secret sauce is a blend of special ingredients that are carefully mixed together with just the right amount of potency - not to bitter, not too salty and not too sweet.

There is always a team of people behind the scenes who are working hard to make sure that the entire experience is a tremendous value so that when the secret sauce collides with your taste buds there is a clear connection with the great service to your palate.

Is the secret sauce in your ministry even really a sauce…or is it an ethos of loving Jesus for all He is worth and moving authentically into intentional relationships with the teenagers within your influence? When we build a team of passionate and called people who love to deliberately place themselves in the presence of teenagers we are whipping up a batch of the most lethal secret sauce known to man. This is the stuff revivals are made of.

Bible studies, worship experiences, mission trips and outreach events will flow from a well of relationship where students (a) will not only invite other students to your ministry but (b) they will be embedded as missionaries who know how to whip up a secret sauce that whets THEIR friends’ palates to see and savor Jesus as well. 

[haynesteen]

CRUMBS

This is an adapted blog post I wrote on April 29, 2011 after hosting an event for youth workers making sense of recent suicides in our community.

In March of 2011, I was on staff at the Chattanooga Youth Network and I designed my very first CRUMBS event with youth leaders in a community where several suicides had recently taken place. Our hope when we present on topics like these is that we would be helping youth leaders, parents, teachers and students to “Notice and Navigate the Evidence to Teens in Crisis.” 

Our staff had the opportunity to be invited to share “CRUMBS 2.0 - Self Injury” a month later to over five hundred Marion County middle school students and faculty members. The focus this was on Self Injury and mainly the eraser game (or as Marion County students call it…”the sissy game”) and cutting. 

Eight sessions with 50-60 students each from 9:00 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. were focused on helping students and teachers get a sense of what drives someone to Self Injury. One of the things that I spent a lot of our time unpacking was that our skin is both a boundary and a billboard.

“The psychology (what we know and understand about the mind and soul) and the anthropology (what we know about the body and people) of Self Injury Behavior (SIB) are important to consider. The skin is the ultimateboundary between the self and others and serves as “our message center orbillboard. For example, blushing, tears, cosmetics, piercings and tattoos can communicate information to others. SIB can serve as a symptomatic remedy, commemorative wound, symbolic, self punishment or cry for help and attention.”

If our skin is a boundary then it must be there to protect us or others from something. That is what a boundary is for. To protect the content within the boundary and often to protect what is outside of that boundary. We lock our doors at night to keep the bad guys out. We fence our yards to keep our barking dogs from running free and scaring our neighbors. Our skin is there to protect us.

God made us so intricately that he would also have our skin serve as a message center or a billboard for us. It is constantly announcing to the world how we are really doing. Tears, smiles, grimaces, blushing all announce to others like a billboard a message that we want or need sent. Tattoos and piercings are ways we use the skin to send a message for us. Self Injury also announces something to others that needs to be (1) noticed with confidence and (1) navigated with compassion. 

Four percent of the population is involved in Self Injury whether it is cutting, burning, hair pulling, nail biting, bone breaking, punching objects or self and more. Many would be tempted to think that “they must not care very much about themselves if they do that kind of thing.” In fact the opposite is true. It’s that they care far too much that is the real problem. 

A cutter generally struggles with deep seated self hatred, anger, sadness or frustration. Cutting becomes a means of expression and dealing with these emotions. Here is what a friend of ours who struggled with self injury had to say

“My wife and I both had personal experience with self—injury. Mine had more to do with hating my mom. My wife’s was more about hating herself. the common theme is that some how self-destruction becomes a path. Somewhere in there for all of us is a deep shame. I think those deep messages that say “not that you DID something wrong, but you ARE something wrong”—are sometimes what we are trying to dig out, or cut out.”

So how do we help someone who is struggling with Self Injury? 

1. Notice with confidence - Learn the warning signs. 

2. Navigate with compassion - Lean in with loving intent. 

The bottom line is that students and adults need to A.C.T. Acknowledge - Acknowledge that your friend has a problem. Care - Let the person know you are concerned and want to help.  Tell - Tell a trusted adult.  

To have me come speak to your group, organization or Church email me at [email protected] or call me at [phone].

[haynesteen]

ONENESS

I am actually attempting to recapture blogs I have written and consolidating those here. This one hails from June 10, 2011. 

In John 17 Jesus is recorded praying a dynamic prayer for believers and unbelievers. Our heart is to help the Church experience a dynamic oneness that will announce the reality of the Gospel.

In the 17th chapter in the Gospel of John we get to be a fly on the wall of Jesus’ prayer life. The Gospels record Jesus pulling away to be alone with the Father. This prayer flows powerfully from the well of Jesus’ deep heart for those who believe and those who will one day finally rest in the cosmic reality of God’s great invitation into holy brotherhood and sonship. 

My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— 23 I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

   24 “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.

   25 “Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me.26 I have made you[e] known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”

Last weekend I had the opportunity to officiate my fourth wedding. The words I crafted flow right from an ongoing interest of mine in the connection between Trinitarian relationship and Christian marriage. Within the personality of God we see a “oneness” that we are invited to experience when we bind our lives to another person. Speaking to the primary purpose of marriage at a wedding seems like a very relevant direction to head. Even as I was looking this young couple in the eyes as I spoke, tears formed in theirs (and mine) as I charged them to chase oneness every minute of every day. Oneness with God. Oneness with each other. During this message I was at one point very aware that I had not referenced my notes once. This message was flowing right out of my own life and marriage. Probably because this has been a place of radical challenge and change for me. 

The morning after the wedding I spoke to about fifty students at my church. All week I prayed about what God might like me to share. Lots of topics floated through my mind during daily prayer times as I considered before God what direction He might like me to head. At least ten times throughout the week I had this same recurring thought that I should speak on marriage but each time dismissed it saying, ‘What would a middle or high school student care about marriage? Isn’t it a bit premature to teach on marriage? Do you really want to encourage students to know this information when they can not or should not access it for themselves?” After the wedding on Saturday night I sensed the Lord really press me hard to teach on Oneness and specifically related to marriage. So I crafted my message preparing to dive wholeheartedly into the Biblical purpose of marriage which is “Oneness.” 

On Sunday morning as students were seated after worship I made a few introductory remarks to lighten up the mood in the room and then asked students to raise their hands if they have ever heard anyone teach on the purpose of marriage specifically to students. Not one single student raised their hand. I asked them a follow up question. “How many of you are interested in what the Bible says about marriage?” Every hand was raised. Interesting. 

Clue #1 - Teenagers care about what God thinks about marriage. 

I laid down a foundation for students to understand Trinitarian relationship. I then shared with them the words that I had spoken the night before to this young Christian couple who were surrounded by their family and friends. Here is what I shared…

Each member of the trinity exists to amplify the strengths of the other members. Were any of the other members to to exalt itself above the others it would destroy the perfectly submitted relationship that they share together. Their oneness would be compromised.

Here we have the image of God modeling for us the true purpose of marriage - Oneness. 

Each member of the one plays a critical role in the fellowship and to the degree that they are faithful to pursuing oneness, maintaining this oneness will be blessed by the experience of oneness. 

So God in His generosity, created us and He invites us into relationship for the primary purpose of experiencing perfect submission - first to Him and then with one another. 

“Perfect submission” looks very different than we would even imagine in our post modern culture today. The word submission conjures up images that have very little to do with Biblical submission at all. 

Submission is not one member being stronger and another weaker

Submission is not one member being more and another less

Submission is not one person losing their voice 

Submission is not one person making all of the decisions

Submission is not one person standing center stage while the other member lurks in the shadows. 

Remember, all of the members exist to amplify the strengths of the other members. 

Peter a disciple hand picked by Jesus writes to us about what perfect submission looks like. It has often been a text widely misunderstood and ripped out of context. The central image that Peter uses in the context of submission is “power.” 

Basically you both want the other to win. 

1 Peter 3 has this to say about “perfect submission.” 

“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands.”

Our culture supports the lie that would tell us that the strength of a woman is completely external or that a woman’s power derives in her outward beauty alone. Look on the cover of any magazine targeting women (or men) and you will see the lie being perpetuated. 

Does that mean that a woman can not be beautiful? No. Does this mean that these fine clothes are worthless or fundamentally wrong? Absolutely not. This passage simply amplifies the truth that aims at where really beauty and strength are formed in a woman. From the inside out. 

Jess, you look absolutely beautiful. Everyone is in awe of you today. But I know this about you. You are a strong woman not because of your beauty but because of what God has done and continues to do inside of you. You have heard God call you His beloved and you have allowed him to resonate and renovate every fiber of your character and your heart. That is what drew David Hutton to you. Now, your outward beauty may have made him do a double take but it is your character that leads him to stand so resolutely beside and with you today. 

Peter then addresses the husband.

Husbands in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives. Treat them as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing can hinder your prayers.

Our culture is just as quick to offer up their perspective as to where the strength of a man lies or does not lie. 

In commercials men are often portrayed something like this…a woman is standing in the forefront shaking her head saying something like, “My husband is so stupid. He doesn’t even have a brain.” In the background the husband is all wound and wrapped up in the blinds like a fool, probably because he attempted some simple home repair project that failed and he can’t seem to find his way out of the blinds.

There is no doubt a real misunderstanding where the power and lie for us as men and women. 

Men get a bad rap when it comes to these passages on submission because they were penned by the hand of man. But the next passage was penned by Paul, a single man who went on to write most of what is called the New Testament in the Bible. 

Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave herself up for her (1) to make her holy (2) cleansing her by the washing with water through the word (3) to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands out to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all noone ever hated his own body but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the Church - for we are members of His body. 

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh. 

What men are being called to as husbands is a dramatic surrender in order to amplify the holiness of their wife. It is compared to Christ and his sacrifice - which was a complete physical death to himself for his bride the church. That is an image of real power and real strength. 

David, you are an incredibly strong man. Not because of your physical stature or your ability to strike fear into the heart of another person. You are strong because of your character that is reflected in your love for Christ. It is not your brawn that attracted Jess to you, it is your character. That is why she would risk in such a substantial way to stand here and unite herself with you for the lifelong adventure of pursuing oneness. 

I concluded my thoughts with a couple of anecdotal comments and prayed for students before they departed. A few minutes later I bumped into one of the high school guys I have come to know and love as a member of our Discipleship Group. Evan is an encourager by nature but is never afraid to let us know when things do not “land” on his heart and mind. He thanked me for the message and then proceeded to tell me that he wished we spoke about this topic more often saying, “We just can’t talk early enough about it. ” What Evan is saying here is powerful. The earlier the better. The more the better. That is when and how often he would like to learn about how to prepare himself for the holiest relationship we could ever experience with another person on this planet. 

Clue #2 - Teenagers really want to know what God thinks about marriage. 

Are you teaching on this topic to students? If you are considering it, please make sure the person you elevate to communicate shares Jesus heart expressed in John 17. That as the world would notice oneness in a marriage that they would know that God is real and that God is great. 

  We do a substantial amount of teaching on abstinence. Have we really helped students see that oneness is at stake when we sin sexually. The bottom line is that your student want to hear about it. They are longing to know God’s heart on this issue. Let them know yours in the process as you lead them and love them.

[haynesteen]

Shame is Soul Crushing

Lately I have been most aware of the soul crushing power of shame. Many of the things that keep us from doing the necessary work of processing heartache are wrapped in shame. Brene’ Brown is a researcher who has devoted a great deal of time and effort to making sense of shame. She recently spoke on the TED stage saying,”If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.”

“In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness.” (Psalm 31:1, NIV)

One of the things that can make the counseling process so powerful is that, by design, it is a shame free environment. There is an explicit freedom in the counseling relationship that allows for brokenness, raw honesty and boat loads of vulnerability. Why is vulnerability so important? Because it is the gateway for real growth, insight and change. Entering into a counseling relationship demands ruthless trust and risky vulnerability.

It is my deep desire for folks I have the honor of sitting with to be offered an intentional space where they can be consistently reminded of their incredible dignity. Three ways I hope demonstrate this are through (1) a genuine warmth, (2) a holy curiosity, and (3) empathy. The first two are pretty straight forward. We all benefit from someone who is warm and listens to us. But why empathy? Brene Brown reminds us that, “shame is an epidemic in our culture. And to get out from underneath it, to find our way back to each other, we have to understand how it affects us and how it affects the way we’re parenting, the way we’re working, the way we’re looking at each other…we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy’s the antidote to shame.”

Shame has never been the sound of God’s voice. Of all the ways that God could have strategically gone about winning our hearts back to Himself, He seems most committed to the work of restoring us to our original dignity. When we experience the tenderness of Jesus, we are introduced to our dignity. Brennan Manning reminds us in this audio clip of our inherent value and worth. Not an ounce of shame can be found in the love that God has for you.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30, The Message)

[haynesteen]

Attending to Loss and Disappointment

Another election night has come and gone. America has elected herself another president. For some this is an experience of extreme relief and elation while for some others it is an experience of substantial loss and disappointment. I’d love to camp out around the experience of loss tonight as I make some sense of my own thoughts and feelings. It is so important for us to thoughtfully explore loss and seek to make sense of it. To press ahead  and suppress these real honest thoughts and emotions would betray what it actually means for me to live with a healthy awareness of how I am impacted by the world around me. 

There is something that we can all truly unite around. While we may not all vote for the same candidate and celebrate the same outcome, there is definitely one experience that remains common for every person in every state, in every country, on every continent. It is the common experience of “loss and disappointment.” No person on this spinning sphere lives above the reality that loss and disappointment will come knocking on their door at some point. For some it comes more often while for others not nearly as much. The question is not IF it will come but WHEN. How will I address and make sense of it? Will I cave into fear and anger? Will I lash out at others? Will I increase momentum? Will I avoid and reject them? Or will love and humility pave the way for an intimate encounter with loss and disappointment allowing me embrace them both as beloved old friends who have been faithful traveling companions on a sweet journey through every decade of my life? 

Henri Nouwen has been a shepherd of my heart and mind for over twenty years and he continues, even in his absence on the earth, to call my heart Home when I am needing to make sense of loss and disappointment.

May Henri’s words be of tremendous encouragement to your heart and mind as you walk through your own experiences of loss and disappointment. 

“While you may feel physically and mentally strong, you still experience a forceful undercurrent of anguish. You sleep well, you work well, but there are few waking moments when you do not feel that throbbing pain in your heart that makes everything seem up in the air. You know that you are progressing, but you can’t understand why this anguish keeps pervading everything you think, say, or do. There is still a deep, unresolved pain, but you cannot take it away yourself. It exists far deeper than you can reach. 

Be patient and trust. 

You have to move gradually deeper into your heart. There is a place far down that is like a turbulent river, and that place frightens you. But do not fear. One day it will be quiet and peaceful. 

You have to keep moving, as you are doing. Live a faithful, disciplined life, a life that gives you a sense of inner strength, a life in which you can receive more and more of the love that comes to you. Wherever there is real love for you, take it and be strengthened by it. As your body, heart, and mind come to know that you are loved, your weakest part will be attracted to that love. What has remained separated and unreachable will let itself be drawn into the love you have been able to receive. One day you will discover that your anguish is gone. It will leave you because your weakest self let itself be embraced by your love. 

You are not there yet, but you are moving fast.

There will be a bit more pain and struggle. You have to dare and live through it. Keep walking straight. Acknowledge your anguish, but do not let it pull you out of yourself. Hold on to your chosen direction, your discipline, your prayer, your work, your guides, and trust that one day love will have conquered enough of you that even the most fearful part will allow love to cast out all fear.”

-Henri Nouwen

[haynesteen]

Meeting Vanessa - Day 1

Today has been one amazing day for sure. There are only so many times in life when you see God's plan come together perfectly. The journey of adoption for the two of us, and really for our whole family, has been one of absolute trust. Every day and every little detail has been a moment of ruthless trust. At 11 o'clock this morning we drove to meet Vanessa for the first time. On the car ride over to her house both of us were feeling a little nervous. Before our day started as we were getting ready to check out of our hotel room, Ruth Ann asked me to pray for the two of us and for our day. It was a sweet time of pausing before we entered into one of the most substantial things we've ever been a part of. In many ways, as we stood together praying in our hotel room, I already sensed the Lord was going to truly bless this day. To say that God blessed our time today with Vanessa and her host family would be a massive understatement. It was fun to watch Ruth Ann move in so naturally with Vanessa accommodating all of her siblings from her host family and it was really fun to get to know her host parents who have been caring for her for this last year. The entire day was absolutely comfortable and natural. It's obvious that she's been loved well by her family here. So as we consider tomorrow with Vanessa we are so satisfied and eager to spend more time with her. She is already so curious about Sam and Sadie. She wanted to see pictures of them and understand what kinds of things that they like. This evening as we were wrapping up our time with her, Vanessa asked if she could get Sam and Sadie a gift. It was really touching and encouraging to see her wanting to get them each something that would connect them together from the moment they meet. We posted all sorts of fun pictures on Facebook today and on Instagram that speak far more intimately about the nature of our time with Vanessa today. This blog update will hopefully be a simple way of communicating to our friends and family how grateful we are for you, for your encouragement, for your prayers and your enthusiasm about this journey that were on as we invite Vanessa to join our family. We're already looking forward to the time in just a little over a week we will be at the beach with Sam and Sadie and Vanessa with nearly every member of our family on both sides. Tonight we just simply rest in the satisfaction of knowing that what we were experiencing as a call on our life a decade ago is now being confirmed by our time here so far. Stay tuned…more pictures to come!