head-ology

And though there may be some superficial similarities between a psychiatrist and a headologist, there is a huge practical difference. A psychiatrist, dealing with a man who fears he is being followed by a huge and terrible monster, will endeavor to convince him that monsters don’t exist. Granny Weatherwax would simply give him a chair to stand on and a very heavy stick.

[head-ology]

Today is weigh day and I'm feeling fat. Okay I know I feel fat most of the time but I'm feeling especially fat. I'm really worried I've gained 'too much' weight. What is too much? I've spoken to my dr and dietitian here and needless to say they have reassured me that they will not think less of me for gaining weight and are actually concerned with my weight being where it is. I still don't quite believe it though. I think people will either think I'm a greedy pig for gaining weight or else will think I'm no longer struggling. I'm definitely thinking a bit better than I was when I came in but my mood/anxiety is much worse. That's to be expected. My ED protects me from the worst of my emotions and I don't have it in here.

About messages, I'll do my best to answer but I know I have some that have been there for ages so if you really want to ask me something it might be better to resend it. Sorry, but I do find it quite difficult to respond when I'm really unwell. I'll try though! I do really appreciate all the support I get.

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hey sweetheart. i just wanted to say hi and tell you that everything is going to be okay one day. I've been where you are and i know it sucks but you're strong enough to get through it. i really hope that you have a good day when you read this and that you can remember somewhere inside you that i believe in you. you're on my mind a lot and i would be so saddened to hear of anything bad happening to you <3

Thank you <3 Will do my best to try and believe that I can get better. It means so much to me to get these words of support. xx

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Do you like Terry Pratchett? I was kinda happy when I found your blog description in one of his books :) I hope you're feeling better today, because you DO deserve to get better, dear. Still checking up your blog, hoping for a new post. Love, L.

Um I love terry pratchett!! Thanks so much L. Love to you too <3

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May I ask why they are only treating you for 2 weeks this time? With the state that you're in, it doesn't seem like 2 weeks would even be enough to ensure that you are medically stable. That's such an extremely short period of time.

Well there's two programs that run here one is two and one is six weeks and both are voluntary. The staff would like me to do a six week program but I don't feel I can commit to that. The other thing is my health while obviously not great isn't as bad as you might think. Drs are continually surprised that my bloods and everything seem stable, my obs are low but not ridiculously low(on this admission for example my bp has been around 90/70, pulse at 60). It is a short period of time in terms of changing behaviors though and I'm pretty worried about how I'll go when I leave. If I make it to two weeks!

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I am sad of you . Your weight is not good. I see you are in 2 weeks dead..

I'm doing pretty good now. I'm gaining weight. I'm stable. So don't be sad!

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I am in hospital for the next two weeks. I came in yesterday. It is hard. It is always hard. The food is pretty terrible, the boredom is overwhelming. I don't binge and purge when I'm here. So there is that. At the moment I'm struggling quite a bit with bloating and gastrointestinal discomfort generally. I've started some new reflux med so hopefully that helps. Up until yesterday things were bad. Binging and purging was as bad as it gets but as well as the actual binging/purging the amount of time I spent cooking was getting longer and longer. So basically as well as b/p 8 hours a day I was cooking for 5 or so hours. I can't really remember specifics of the last couple of months. It blurs into more or less one long sequence of binges and purges and my ability to think and communicate about anything other than food diminished to an all time low. I'm still just barely able to concentrate enough to write this post. I feel constantly disorientated. Writing this was mentally exhausting.

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please try and stay safe

I'm trying

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Maybe as a step to recovery you could start drinking electrolyte replacing drinks like Vitamin Water or Smart Water. As you start to replenish your electrolytes you'll start feeling physically better. Good luck xx

Thanks that's a good idea but I already take slow k and drink ensure plus so my electrolytes are usually okay except during b/p I guess. Thank you <3

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Randomly clicked on a recovery blog just now and it's full of lovely pictures and inspirational quotes and I wish I was in a place where that kind of thing meant something to me but tbh it doesn't. Like, I don't want to be this way, I know being thin is a pointless pursuit and I'm actually scared of losing more weight. I know all the downsides of an eating disorder, I have them right now and I want so much to recover but I'm in this really dark deep hole and I don't know where to even begin. I try so hard but keep failing and other than going to hospital idk what to do. I'm on the waiting list for flinders but what do I do in the meantime? Sometimes when I'm binging and purging I can really feel the damage I'm doing, everytime I stand up my legs almost give way and everything spins and I get random pains everywhere from nerve damage but it doesn't stop me.

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hi...you say your BMI is under 12... 1 year ago was my BMI 25,7 and 11,8 now...how is your feeling so thin?

It feels awful to me. Some days I feel so fat still and then others I look in the mirror and I think I look freakish and I find it really embarrassing.

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I hope you recover soon :) Is that photo of you measuring your thighs, in inches?

Thanks <3, and yes it is.(but it's old)

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How did your parents react to your disorder? (When you were a teen.) I was recently diagnosed with EDNOS, and I know I'm not going to stop/can't stop and it feels like they're going to be so mad at me.

Honestly, the initial reaction was they were angry because I would refuse to eat at meals and they thought it was some sort of teenage rebellion type thing. Then they got worried(or at least my mum did) when I hadn't had my period in a while and she took me to the dr. People get angry when they don't understand a problem so if you can, give them some info on eating disorders and it might help. I think it will help you to be honest. I know for myself I feel horrible keeping stuff from people. Good luck, and btw you can stop and I really really hope you can get the support you need to do that one day<33

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Hope you're doing okay. Would love an update my lovely <3 xx

I'll try to update. I'm not doing okay at all but thank you <33

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are u more bulimic or anorexic?

Well I'm diagnosed with AN b/p. Currently I spend about 10 hours a day binging and purging but my bmi is 12 or something so hence the anorexia diagnosis.

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Keep fighting to get better, recovery has lots of ups and downs and its not always easy, sometimes it seems like you're not making any progress,but you are, and I'm proud of you for wanting to gain weight back,keep at it and don't give up! Good luck!

Thanks, really need to keep telling myself this so thank you for reminding me:)

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Would you ever consider travelling interstate for treatment? I have heard Geelong Clinic takes a different approach and has a lot of positive results ♡

I'm actually looking into interstate treatment right now. The trouble is most require medical stability and min bmis of 14 and mine is just under 12 I think. I'm thinking of maybe going to flinders and trying to gain weight there and then going interstate.

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you are exhausted but deserve a chance at life. Please fight this with everything you can, i know its mentally and physically draining but imagine your recovery. You deserve better than this and dont need to live like this so please find the strength within you to do everything in your ability to become healthy. Please. Imagine the feeling of when you have achieved healthiness and you can inspire others to do the same. You have been strong for so long&fighting for your life so please continue

I'm still fighting just feeling as if I'm fighting a losing battle. A few weeks back I said to my psychiatrist "I'm doing the best I can" and he said "I know, that's what I'm afraid of".