headyolk

humdrum murmurs

[headyolk]

new year resolutions 2026

to be messy 🫟

lose control over what cannot be controlled

more whimsies & wants 🦩

overcome scarcity mindset and constant weighing of price and practicality over true likes and items that bring joy

write more 📝

a tumblr post a day

live in the present ⏱️

look back less and look forward less. reduce the magnitude of regrets and yearning of what’s yet to come

spend resources to develop interests 🎼

happiness doesn’t always come for free and at demand - junk journaling / zither / singing

[headyolk]

day 208 of 365 ; 27.07.26

hbd bro!

what a beautiful day spent - having my family travel to a restaurant at the foot of my office tower knowing that mondays are clutch days; having a good meal with casual conversations; bonding with my niece and having a somewhat human conversation; a beautiful cake and funny photos, another memory to cherish

[headyolk]

day 207 of 365 ; 26.06.26

zombie

posting in-lieu of yesterday because we had an online discussion from basically 10pm to past midnight so i basically had 1 hour less of sleep and now i feel absolutely whacked.

it’s like being high and sleepy from alcohol but in a bad way because you know that sleep is only about another 14 hours later

[headyolk]

day 206 of 365 ; 25.07.26

weddings

not sure about how weddings are celebrated in other cultures or places but the thing about asian weddings is that there are always a lot of speeches, inviting extended family members, lots of sitting around and waiting…

don’t get me wrong, there is a symbolism and significance to doing all these things. i just feel that people always feel drained and exhausted after the event (and im talking about being a guest, let alone the bride/groom and their immediate connections)

is it just because it’s a social event and that just drains people after a certain amount of time (perhaps that the introvert reasoning)? is it because i don’t really relate that much to the newlyweds but am seated there out of obligation? is it because the format of weddings are just typically for regimented and passive?

i always think about how i would like my hypothetical wedding to be like. today i think of renting an event space and engaging booths or vendors that align with me and my partners’ interests, and then doing a stamp rally of sorts to get the people whom i’ve invited to feel involved or just provide some structure to the whole shebang. i’m thinking a caricature or sketch booth (hosted by me), a karaoke booth (you can only choose songs that i like or know and at the end i will rate whose performance was the most entertaining), and like a “goodreads” booth where people may leave their best book recommendations or their currently reading

[headyolk]

day 205 of 365 ; 24.07.26

putting on weight

i guess i have been in denial for the past few years, but especially so in the recent two to six months

if i were to chart my weight against my age and basically lifestyle, i would find that my weight has been steadily increasing ever since i hit puberty. so essentially i have been gaining weight ever since ever

over here i would like to disclaim that weight gain or loss are neutral terms. however, given the fact i have been at a steady 55kg from JC to Uni and throughout, must mean that that is my healthy weight. even then, i thought of myself as chubby

ever since entering the workforce ie living an adult life, spending adult money, doing a 9-5 office job, my weight had been increasing exponentially. if i were to round off, i am now a whopping 60kg. of course mathematically the increment is not great but i must come to honest terms that i am ageing and my sedentary lifestyle is starting to catch up with me

a slower metabolic rate, naturally non-skinny genes, an office job that makes me sigh and slump further into my chair in horrible postures, high and consistent stress, laying on my bed doom scrolling after work, and a weekend sport that counts more as intellectual rigour than exercise

that pretty much sums up the past 2 years of my life and explains why my already non-skinny arms have gotten “bloated” looking lately

it’s time to face the truth and exit my delulu era of self-consolation and complacency (honestly there was nothing to be complacent about, other than the fact that i know there are legit muscles behind my blubber of fat!!)

[headyolk]

day 204 of 365 ; 23.07.26

conditional

being raised in a somewhat morally traditionally asian household, i’m often told that the things we do and relationships we have should be non-transactional

i suppose that takes off the pressure to maintain relationships for the sake of reward or reciprocation; but that also sets you up for being a doormat and establish your socially-designated role as background character or safety net

i shan’t go into details but i shall do a list of instances that would suffice as elaboration:

i got to spend some quality time with my niece today. but i realised there was a very direct cause-and-effect going on. in a nutshell, i offered to help cut grapes for her, leading to her inviting me to play with her, leading to me drawing for her, leading to her becoming entranced by the nonsense i was drawing and effectively cuddling up to me. there, in the purest way possible, conditional! a condition was fulfilled, needs were met, and therefore a reaction was granted

the following is even more speculation but lately i’ve been thinking about why my colleagues would approach my colleague more than me. is it because i’m a bad person? an unpleasant person? definitely not. so i came to a conclusion today that “normal people” do not approach me because i’m a neutral person. you can interpret neutral as boring, uninterested, soulless - i won’t object to those descriptors though i would feel insulted. but point being, the normies would approach someone reactive and sociable - precisely because it renders an expectable and favourable response which in turn validates or comforts the approach. perfectly reasonable and honestly something i would do too - except that i would likely approach a quiet-to-mildly sociable person instead

makes sense right!

[headyolk]

day 203 of 365 ; 22.07.26

chalant

such a gen z term - which is supposedly the opposite of being nonchalant - which i suppose is to show interest, be invested, put in effort into something

the past few days i’ve been feeling very chalantly nonchalant. which is essentially NOT being nonchalant about things but pretending to be nonchalant

nonchalance is a defence mechanism

apathy is a sign of defeat

frustration is a side effect that also compounds as a cause

perhaps i am burnt out?

which led to clouded judgment, a lot of self-doubt, a huge imposter syndrome moment and an unhealthy desire and over reliance on external affirmation

i need to get myself out of this slump! and feel strength regaining inside of me

nonchalance is toxic self-denial

chalance is a resistance and unabashed acknowledgement of all things boo-boo

are you a chalant or nonchalant person?

i give a shit about things

i pretend to not give a shit about things

Voting ended onJul 23

[headyolk]

day 202 of 365 ; 21.07.26

the invisibility cloak

today an invisibility cloak has been donned on me

not entirely unbeknownst to this, i scamper around finding hiding places in the open grounds

evading eyes and questions, i failed to churn out the expected response people demanded from me

today had been a day of defeat and loserism

cast to the side of the front lines, my invisibility shown greater than my ego would allow

[headyolk]

day 201 of 365 ; 20.07.26

a packet of blackberries

at the ripe age of 27 and a half, i am as ripe as the packet of non-discounted blackberries sitting in the fridge back home

my mother, some great distance away from home, urges me via the phone to finish the fruits by myself tonight

lamely, on the long commute back home from work, i sniffle and fight back big fat tears welling up in my eyes

because i had been waiting a week for my parents to return home to eat the blackberries together, and because i had been so alone for the past week

busying myself by arranging meetups with various friends, going for my weekly classes, even staying out past midnight getting wasted with my colleagues, doing work on a weekend, playing ping-pong with the automated dispenser

i must sound like a major loser, a big baby, being so emotionally dependent on my family as i approach 30. but you must understand that my sense of normalcy and function and self stems from the stability of what happens at “home” - and that means by immediate family members

when future me revisits this post, i hope that i have successfully expanded the reach of my “home” to include my hypothetical and hopefully-emergent significant other

maybe it’s a bit messed up to want someone for the sake of companionship, exclusiveness and a promise of forever and regardless… but i am openly admitting that that is my cowardly and nascent motivation for wanting to find someone

manifest that i will find someone to go home to and share my packet of ripe blackberries with !

[headyolk]

day 200 of 365 ; 19.07.26

playing ping-pong by yourself

sounds like a strange sight, but made possible with… an automated ping-pong ball dispenser - which comes with a variety of modes, speed, spinning angles (haven’t tried that yet) and even a net with steel clamp arms to catch the balls that are successfully hit back !

i’m an ultimate novice at the sport, so this was a great opportunity for me to try out the dispenser since i had nothing better to do

apart from the obvious - which was getting more than half the balls fall on the floor or rebounded back at the net, or even worse fall down the stairwell, an annoyance that surfaced quickly was the sound

the sound when a stray ball still ticks and resonates against the floor or the table, even as the dispenser continues shooting out balls and you have to return it - which generates a new set of sounds that echoes disharmoniously with the previous stray ball sounds

that’s something that doesn’t happen when you play against a human! because either of you would be picking up the balls as there are limited balls to use

in some other sense there is a natural back and forth rhythm when rallying that is satisfying to play, watch and hear. especially when it’s a game like ping-pong where the ticks and tacks are light and fast (kinda like texting)

[headyolk]

day 199 of 365 ; 18.07.26

airing the house

a mustiness hangs around the house

days of trapped heat and moisture mopping around the furniture

with no one hustling and bustling around the house for a whole week while the sun is up, the house sits sadly by itself

it is finally the weekend and i finally have the time to do the laundry and cook

the little mundane routine brings comfort and joy

climbing up and down the stairs, drawing all the curtains and blinds, sliding open all the doors, letting the sun and air seep into the house

the house finally smells right and feels right

[headyolk]

day 198 of 365 ; 17.07.26

barbecued and wasted

(writing posthumously because i was super wasted yesterday and only got home past 2am today)

had so much fun at studio bbq yesterday - although the night was hot and muggy

it’s definitely because of the company, and how everyone is more familiar with each other compared to last year. the three of us bakertarium are a freaking chaotic trio because edelyn supplies the jokes and banter while rui jie and i keep giggling and laughing

the BIM team were the true MVP because they were so passionate in manning the charcoal pit and cooking all the food - heck they were the ones who cleaned up the charcoal too

anyway my alcohol tolerance is shit so after one cup of whiskey-soda combi which i drank over the span of 1 hour, and one cup of expired XO-whatever mixer, i was admittedly tipsy and laughing too much at everything

then after the main event ended, a few of us hopped to holland village for second round and we got a soju basket. so, the thing about soju apparently is that it’s the most value for money at getting one wasted because it tastes like fruits but has a relatively high-ish alcohol content. so regardless to say some time in, i was obviously tipsy because i couldn’t hold my bottle straight when pouring for others, my head felt so light and heavy, and the tips of my hair was wet from probably dipping into my shot of soju

anyway we gossiped about random shit and it got so funny at one point that it was my first time seeing sandra laugh so loudly. we finally parted ways and i could barely walk in a straight line

the hardest hurdle was bathing while trying to stand up straight but holla i did it!!! however i was so out of it i decided to sleep with my hair wet because tipping my head forward to use the hair dryer would probably be a horrible decision

funsies. 10/10 would do it again

[headyolk]

day 197 of 365 ; 16.07.26

pulse

the thrump of blood pumping through your vessels, felt through a thin layer of muscle and fat and skin

the regular wringing contractions of the uterus felt through the thick layers of tummy fat going on in the background while you try to focus on what is in front of you

the debilitating thwacking and humming of a headache that you have no control of, one that only went away after a painkiller and an expired coin of dark chocolate

the rush of excitement and happiness when yapping to a friend over dinner on a weekday

all the things that you can do with a pulse

[headyolk]

day 196 of 365 ; 15.07.26

plant sitter

countless of plants in the garden, on the balcony, in the front porch

three specific chemical sprays for the leaves of three pots of roses, and one one-litre can of water shared among the trio

the orchids need their special daily mist, their naked roots hanging bare in the air, hearing the water gun hiss

the bonsais and bigger plants shall wait for tomorrow, a strategic day-after hose down, left thirsty from the sun, relying on the goodness left in their reserves

meanwhile, the succulents shall stay cool in the shade, chill in their sculptural grey pots, waiting to be watered the following week

[headyolk]

day 195 of 365 ; 14.07.26

etiquette

good or bad, they form the smallest moments and points of interactions between people, sometimes culminating in larger-than-expected or deep-seated reactions

an example of good etiquette is one that befuddles me too. picture a bus interchange - there is a snaking queue in the clearly indicated metal bars which lead to floor markings. this queue extends past the markings, and the layer bus-goers form a queue near the head of the queue in the empty space ambiguously dedicated to needy passengers. the bus arrives and the first queue moves steadily to board the bus; by some unspoken rule, the excess queue waits until a certain point after the main queue boards before graciously filtering into the bus. (side note: this always amazes me because it is a very gracious sight to see, but what is interesting is that we don’t see this phenomenon happening at intermediate bus stops)

an example of bad etiquette is people doing things without your consent, even when it is a seemingly trivial matter. today, i found out by chance that my laptop had been removed from my studio’s shared photoshop account. basically the other team had kicked me out without informing me and now two people from that team are using both seats in the account. granted, it’s a small deal and i don’t need it urgently. but it creates a sense that boundaries are not recognised or overlooked, and that the carelessness of the person who overstepped this unspoken trust has caused a distrustful seed to be sown.

[somewordsarebiggerthanothers]

[headyolk]

day 194 of 365 ; 13.07.26

monday night

the evening wind blows a waft of manure into the house; carrying the pungency all the way up the third storey

a warm bowl of lotus root peanut pork rib soup; just the perfect amount of nutty fragrance and umami

sitting in front of a spoilt TV, eating the crispiest and most flavourful apples - peeled and cut and dunked in salt water

a brief moment with my family before returning to finish up work alone in the home office

walking up the stairs i see them sound asleep, snoring away

i retreat to my bedroom and get ready for the night, only for another day again