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nightmare about being alone with my rapist in my old home and him trying to subdue me n rape me but i fought him off so fiercely that even though i was smaller n weaker i managed to win. i used absolutely everything to fight him off until he ran into the basement to hide n i called mom or chech screaming that he was a rapist n i needed help. i had more to fight for than him, so i won, nor matter how size n mine, no matter his strength or mine, every attempt of his to subdue me i enraged broke out of regardless of the pain n turned back on him.

#11.3.18

healing-fumes

why do i fear sex? because i am triggered into feeling like a child in sexual situations, or because i project that trigger onto the other person n i am unable to be sexually attracted to a child? it still frightens me.

healing-fumes

it still frightens me. i still fear it could kill me. i still fear it could kill the other person (by my hand).

#11.2.18

why do i fear sex? because i am triggered into feeling like a child in sexual situations, or because i project that trigger onto the other person n i am unable to be sexually attracted to a child? it still frightens me.

#11.2.18

this transit is like my childhood being squeezed in saturn's great fist until all my fears come out and i am forced to face n finally overcome them.

#11.2.18

i want to be held and soothed and crooned to by a mother soaked in the fresh blood of my rapists she's killed. i want to watch a mother kill my rapists and then come love me. that would be a tremendous gift, that would be a mother's love -- for me.

#9.4.18

they hurt me so much

#7.22.18

healing-fumes

i may have taken in the belief that i am special, read: a savior, prophet, hero, etc., as a way to explain all the hardship and torture others inflicted upon me, and to protect me from it(s destruction of meaning). however, the consequence is a lack of empathy due to a failure to engage with this world (and everyone in it) as a part of my realities.

healing-fumes

and so when i say "i am not special," it is a call to empathy, and a call to acceptance of my past in the hopes that i can finally reconcile and heal from it.

#6.21.18

i am not a protagonist.

#6.21.18

i may have taken in the belief that i am special, read: a savior, prophet, hero, etc., as a way to explain all the hardship and torture others inflicted upon me, and to protect me from it(s destruction of meaning). however, the consequence is a lack of empathy due to a failure to engage with this world (and everyone in it) as a part of my realities.

#6.21.18

i still flinch at other places

#6.18.18

i still flinch at other people's pain.

#6.18.18

i have a deep and preverbal internalized self-hatred that i perhaps redirect onto others when trying to protect myself from it

#6.18.18

it seems like my sister treats me both as a doll she owns, is responsible for, and which has no higher purpose but to "succeed" through being puppeted by her to its highest potential, in other words no higher purpose but to act out both her ideal daughterhood and motherhood (likely for her own healing and catharsis in response to her relationship with mom); and somehow alive and willful and ungrateful for not accepting said higher purpose and possibly a belief on her part that she "brought me to life."

#6.18.18

i hope intense dream / nightmare that wakes me up at 5 am drenched in sweat and distress is not a continual fixture of my grief, because i do not think i am even close to out the other side and being afraid to sleep is an old torment of mine.

#3.17.18

dreamt these old electric lamps kept slowly catching fire no matter what you did. and i was very distressed because i couldn't put it out, just watch it keep re igniting after each attempt to put it out. i was worried everything would eventually catch on fire, including my whole house, and i'd have to just keep abandoning things important to me as they all turned out to be unsafe and dangerous and on fire, never stopping, never being able to put it out with finality, never being able to rest. mom and dad were there and both tried to put out the lamps.

everything important to me burning my fingers as i attempt in vain to put them out.

#3.17.18

dreamt i thanked my cousin for being nice to me and told him he was the only relative that was nice to me / liked me / didn't hate me on some level. he cried and said he didn't know i was treated so badly by everyone. i cried and told him that my brothers hated me and tormented me. he cried some more and maybe was gentle with me or hugged me or told me that that wasn't right. then i was on the phone with my mom for something and she basically told me to shut up and that we don't have anything important to say to each other anyway, that we're just filling the space with meaningless words and pretend, so we might as well just get over with whatever we need to do so that we can go back to avoiding each other. i was hurt and got mad and she said something along the lines of me getting mad being immature and bound to get me in trouble, then i yelled at her at hung up on her. she texted me to presumably say something mean after, but i didn't read it.

#3.16.18

i have changed, and drastically, in that i am no longer an unending progression of agonies in the seven thousand hells. but old fears die hard. i currently celebrate in each interruption of that progression, widening them more and more, until each return to the hells feels less familiar than this freedom, until the hells are the interruption of the progression of my life.

thankfully, shimmer has done this before, and i have her memories and her help.

#3.3.18

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