neither here nor there, a little bit of everywhere @heartbreakthenationalanthem - Tumblr Blog

// long live the walls we crashed though.

we might have crashed through walls, the kingdom lights may might have shone for me and you, we might have had the time of our lives fighting dragons.

but tonight was nothing of the sort.

tonight I was dancing alone, having the time of my life without you. I was alone in a crowded room.

I was dancing with strangers, finding comfort in those around me, when all I wanted was to dance for all that we've been through and I didn't want to dance if I wasn't dancing with you.

#txt post #personal #my life

// I can’t tell you I’m sorry that I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you what my life is ruled by, about the dark secrets that are always there, always in control. Usually I hide them until i’m by myself and I can’t stop them from taking over; you would never even guess there is something wrong, but sometimes, every once in a while, i’m knocked out of breath to the point where i don’t have the control to keep everything hidden, the cracks kept closed by what feels like band aids come ripping apart. in earthquake tides. thats when things get rocky, you now know that i’m not all shiny and happy like i pretend. i’m not the happy go lucky, twenty one year old who is simply sarcastic and has a funny accent. i’m broken and holding myself together with all i’ve got, but i can’t tell you that and i’ll do all i can not to show even the slightest glimpse of it either. i’m the girl with commitment issues, the one where if anyone knew the extent of how screwed up things were, i wouldn’t have a hope. i’m sorry i can’t tell you about the nights where i sit alone in my room, pitch black and with tears streaming down my cheeks, not being able to steadily breathe for hours on end, about the blood that i throw up time and time again and about the fear and panic rippling through my body so much so that i can’t help but physically shake to be able to cope, if coping is even what you would call it. i’m sorry i can’t tell you all the causes and triggers, the thoughts and the pain that runs through my brain. as much as i want to be able to talk to you, i can’t. i’m not good at talking, i don’t know what to say, but at the very same time, it’s all i want to do, i need it, i can’t have these things build up inside the way they currently are. I can’t be that vulnerable, it scares me more than anything. because what if you don’t like what you see, you’ll just be another person who leaves, and that number is already a lot higher than a twenty one year should have dealt with. i can’t let another relationship be ruled by what already rules my life. i can’t have another person look at me with the same pity and unavailability to do anything, i can’t put that on you. i’m sorry i can’t tell you about the things that help, because i know that you’d want to try and help. too many people have promised their permanence, i can’t give anyone the chance to make such empty promises again. i’m too tired, worn out. life is too heavy for that.

#txt post #personal #my life

// I've been a little lost. I've been a little lost, a little distant. I've lost friends, family and the home comforts of my wee country. I've been distant from talking, from opening up, from caring. In two days time I will have been here for a month. That's a month where I haven't seen my sisters, and that alone is something I'm struggling too much with. It's also a month where no one around me knows about the daily struggle of anxiety, panic attacks or depression, and so it's bottled up, but ready to crack. It's been a lonely, scary month. In many ways, I have loved it. But in the same way as you love going on holiday but when the time comes, your own bed, with your mum's cooking and cuddles from your dog is the only place you want to be. I love the Spanish lifestyle, and I've met some great people, but holiday's over, it should be hometime now. I haven't wanted to put into words all that I've been feeling, because in all honesty, I didn't know how and even if I had really thought about it, it was too daunting and something I couldn't face up to.

#my life #personal #txt post

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Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

Jeremiah 31:13 (via worshipgifs)

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withonefootinafairytale

“So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.” - John 16:22

With one foot in a fairy tale

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openthoughtsofkaye

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Psalm 95:6

// you used to be one of my favourite people.

i used to want to tell you anytime something exciting happened.

i would always want to have you to talk to when something bad happened.

i wanted to laugh with you when something funny happened.

i wanted you.

but you have ruined that, you have taken my happiness and energy, and two years of my life.

you used to make me feel safe. but in reality, you’re the one i was scared of.

i could have been happy, i could have been more. i could have been myself. but you controlled me, and for that you are a monster. you are one of the worst people.

you used to be my favourite, now i don’t want to see your name ever again.

/ you were the person i rang so that i wouldn’t get bored walking home. or the one i would demand to pick my outfit, and make any other decision that i just refuse to make.

you were who i would tell all my drama to.

you were who i needed, you got me through things i never even told you about.

now you’ve replaced me, and you don’t care about doing so.

you used to want to try with me, and now it’s been almost a month since you’ve even text me.

you used to make me feel better, but you’re nothing but someone else’s/ her friend.

#personal #my life #txt post